http://www.guardian....eme-susan-boyleForget Susan Boyle for the Bond theme, let's lose it altogether
We've got a new kind of 007 in Daniel Craig, so why not a new kind of Bond film opening sequence, with no silly silhouettes slinking around to a some spurious song?
Not much is known about the new James Bond film yet, especially since there hasn't been a new Bourne movie for it to shamelessly ape since Quantum of Solace was released. But there is one thing: if reports are to be believed, the theme tune to Bond 23 will be performed by Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent, on the basis that she's got "a sweeping voice".
But hold your horses. Although it's easy to get caught up in the rumours – especially if it leads to Susan Boyle getting a Madonna-style cameo in the movie as an assassin or, better yet, as 007's red-hot love interest – it's worth remembering that nothing has been confirmed yet. And for good reason – the new Bond movie isn't out until 2011, by which time everyone will have undoubtedly forgotten about Susan Boyle in favour of whichever balladeer Simon Cowell decides we have to like that year.
But the rumours are interesting for another reason: they suggest that Eon plans to stop tinkering with the formula and churn out a great big old-fashioned number, the kind that Shirley Bassey wailed into infamy in the Connery days. And I don't think that's such a good idea.There hasn't been a genuinely good Bond theme tune since GoldenEye 14 years ago, and that loses points for being a Bono song performed by Tina Turner. Since then the songs have flip-flopped between plodding anonymity (see Sheryl Crow's dreary Tomorrow Never Dies and the Casino Royale theme, which was almost Eurovision-esque in its profound forgettability) and hapless stabs at modernity (such as Madonna's embarrassing Die Another Day and the Quantum of Solace theme, which sounded like a witch screaming for help underneath an upturned metal dustbin).
So here's a plan – why not just do away with the Bond theme altogether? Daniel Craig was meant to usher in a new iconoclastic era of 007 film-making, with invisible cars replaced by punching, and smart-alec one-liners replaced by punching, and nice tuxedos replaced by silly blue swimming trunks (and punching). Yet, we still have to suffer through what's perhaps the most tedious Bond trope of them all, the endless opening sequence and theme song. Nobody goes to see a Bond movie for the bit where everything stops to allow a load of naked silhouettes to fanny around with pistols while an unsuitable pop star bellows the word "die" every six seconds. It's silly, it's unsexy, it's at least three decades out of date and it's mind-bogglingly annoying. Getting rid of it wouldn't just be an act of common sense, it'd be bordering on public service.
I had a fantasy when the last James Bond film was released that, following the opening car chase, the film would simply cut to a black title screen reading "Quantum of Solace" in white Times New Roman – preferably followed by a full stop – and that'd be it. Daniel Craig could have got on with punching foreigners in the face and we'd have all got to go home a few minutes earlier. It's unlikely that my fantasy will come true in Bond 23 but, lord, I wish it would.