147 replies to this topic

[White Persian]

Originally posted by Jim and the use of the severed arm is neat, albeit much funnier in Demolition Man (albeit eyeball).  [/B]

...and funnier still in Red Dwarf, from which the idea (arm and all) was shamelessly lifted.

[White Persian]

Jim, I hope you'll feel equal to resuming your alphabetical acerbity soon. Your curmugeonly wit is treasured by many of us, whether we entirely agree or not.

[Dr Niles Crane]

M: I am so glad I am not the only one who noticed that once M had found M's old liquor cabinet there was no stopping her. Stuff the brandy my predessor used to drink - pass me the burbon. I was also starting to get worried by about TWINE, when I realised I had never seen her without a drink in her hand (including the car scene in TND). This is the woman who is running MI6? No wonder her judgement is a little impaired. She is off her tree...

[iceberg]

Scarily true.... After reading Niles' post, I popped in TND, and gasped when I saw M in the limo with Bond, swilling the bourbon which she "prefers." Didn't notice that before.

Too funny. Perhaps they can explore M's alcohol dependency in a future flick.

[White Persian]

Bond 21:
M has been admitted to Shrublands to purge the toxins from her system and to allow her liver to recuperate.
MI6 is being run jointly by Tanner and Robinson, who constantly bicker and second guess each other.
Moneypenny is under her desk with Q's V.R. gizmo, only rarely emerging, clothes all awry to adjust her lippy.
Q's gone to Torquay to run a hotel.
And Bond has been completely replaced by a dodgy CGI character, voiced in a fluctuating accent by a semi-retired Pierce Brosnan.

[Dr Niles Crane]

I love it W. P. Things are looking bleak for MI6 in your predictions. Soon they will be outsourcing to the likes of Pluto Nash and xXx (er... or should that be double A?). Reminds me of a great quote Sam Neil said about Jurassic Park three: "Sam Neil isn't actually in this movie, he is just a pioneering work of computer generation".

[iceberg]

Don

[Xenobia]

Iceberg:

Somewhere up above Ian Fleming is having a good laugh.

M. a heavy drinker? Yeah, I think so. It's all because she is so damned jealous that Bond gets to have all the fun and she never did. That and explaining his expensive accounts can give anyone a cause to drink.

Having her drink in Bond 21 is simple...have her start off in the canteen with Tanner, having a working lunch, when all hell breaks loose.

-- Xenobia

[Jim]

N is for Not more of this twaddle, Surely. Yep, 'fraid so. "Soz".

N is for Norelco, Apparently Phillishave is also called. The things one learns from James Bond films. A general point about product placement, this one, so if you want a quick kip whilst I rant a bit, do. OK, not naive enough to believe that we haven't been advertised to in Bond films before - Tomorrow Never Dies is largely The Home Shopping Channel with a few whizzbangs and some cruinching deaths (anyone not think this would improve The Home Shopping Channel?), but I took its crass commercıalısm as a nuanced contemplation upon its leitmotiv, being how influenced we are by the mass media (I might be lying) - but rarely have I come out of a fillum feeling not so much entertained as exploited. I say "rarely", because Minority Report was probably worse, but at least that was trying to show us something of the future and what it's going to be like - especially if films like Minority Report and Die Another Day are allowed. Oh, a bitter irony, and a point made more concisely and coherently by the average toddler, so I'll shut up about it now. Oh, how the camera lingers over the packaging. Oh, how fourteen months of drip-fed toxins can be swept away by a quick, refereshing and tripled bladed (it says here) shave with a Norelco! Won't be getting one; firstly because I feel my integrity would be ravaged (such little that I have) and secondly because the chemotherapy has killed all my hair. Hey, and there was I thinking that my cancer had no up sides. Every cloud, huh?

N is also for Nuances, The ongoing crazed searches of the truly demented for. OK - I'll give you nuances. This is a film about our loss of identity in these troubled post-Millenial times. James Bond has his identity stripped away from him and the crucial conflict between him and the villain is not AFRICAN CONFLICT DIAMONDS but that the villain has developed dual identity by nicking one of Bond's, and Bond is striving to regain his and can only do so by killing the proto-doppelganger, Gustav Graves and his Haberdashery of Doom. Miranda Frost, we assume, has a number of indentities. M probably thinks she has a number of identities after she's had a drink or nine. Jinx could well be any number of personalities, so anorexically is the character written and Zao probably has multiple personalities but more interestingly has diamonds in his face. The South Koreans have no identity to speak of whatsoever. Bond's ego has indeed, as the "song" promises, been "Dee. Stroy(ed)" and this is his fight to recover it. Hold on, I've just thought of a much, much better pay off line when Bond kills Graves. Instead of the thing about "gravity", which I assume is a weak-ish pun on the man's surname, and which makes no sense because Graves doesn't meet gravity but is sucked by an artificial vacuum into a jet engine, why not have Bond, afore he commits Graes to a well-deserved shredding, come up with something like "Have a split personality". Well, I'd have laughed. Anyway, back to whatever the point of this one was. So...duality is the nature of Die Another Day. And that's quite appropriate, because the whole film has a dual nature - basically, cretinous from Iceland onwards. Hold on reference fans - this is Octopussy - superficially serious plot in one bit which bears no relation to the infantile jigging about in the other bit. Hmmm...anyway - split personality - several characters have them, the film has one, ergo the film is one long examination itself of the nature of identity and is therefore the most subtle of jokes. Altenatively, it's a crass whizzbang fest designed to keep the junior Broccolis in ketchup for another few days. I add the last bit because I was beginning to convince myself. or at least one of my personalities...

N is also for Nuclear bombs, Gratifying absence of. This is one good thing about Die Another Day. It does not appear to be about blimmin' nuclear bombs again. Hurrah! Bet the next one is.

N is also for Numbness, A curious feeling of. It didn't engage me whilst I was watching it. Sorry. I'm not sure whether it has added or detracted to my life, and admittedly I don't think it was really designed to do either. N is also for New Bond, Time for. I do think it's time for a change. The trouble with saying that is that I've spouted off (fnarr) too much about PeeBee in the past for folks not to believe this isn't (or is - God, double negatives, eh?) just another Peebs rant. It isn't. Trust me. I just think he's done enough now, and it would be better to go out whilst the body's still up to it. I worry that with an ageing Bond, the producers will try even more groovy and ultimately flawed tricks to get the teenage demographic to watch their film; I'm tempted to believe this is the reason behind the CGI and the baffling over-exposure of Ms Berry's non-character. Can it really get any better the older Peebs gets? Do we have to resort to the juvenilia of talking parrots, clown outfits and Gidea Park before the penny drops? Would "teenagers" not generally interested in Bond actually queue up to see a film with a middle-aged hero unless it has some sort of funky trcksterism in it? The older he gets, the more childish it will become. We've seen it before, in 1971, and 1979 onwards. We will see it again. It is time for a change before the canker really encrusts the series and it cannot, ever, be taken seriously again.

N is also for Nasty man away, take the

N is also for New Year to you all, Happy and Peaceful

[Xenobia]

OK Jim, one question:

If this film didn't engage you, how have you managed to write this much material on it, and you are just about 2/3 through the alphabet, with another third to go?

Happy New Year to you too!

-- Xenobia

[Dmitri Mishkin]

Originally posted by Jim
N is also for Nuclear bombs, Gratifying absence of. This is one good thing about Die Another Day. It does not appear to be about blimmin' nuclear bombs again. Hurrah! Bet the next one is.

N is also for New Year to you all, Happy and Peaceful

Hurrah indeed!

Ladies and Gentlemen, break out the (Bollinger, camera lingers) champagne: it appears Jim did enjoy something originating from this movie. Can you imagine?

Happy New Year Jim and CBN

[Contessa]

Thank you, Jim, for a modicum of holiday cheer. Finally, with "N: Numbness", a thought-provoking idea posited on this otherwise interminable thread about an interminable movie (the second half of the movie, to be precise. Which is more than can be said about the thread).

Casting a young Bond will=better quality, less CGI-"enhanced" flicks? Could happen, but I doubt it. Witness "XXX": an occasionally talented and charismatic 30-ish actor named Vin saddled with an innocuous script and ludicrus stunts that make the first act of DAD look like high art. Dumbing-down is the order of the day in Hollywoodland, and far be it from Mike and Babs to buck the trend.

Point to ponder: if a younger actor had been in Brosnan's shoes for DAD, would he have even blinked an eye at Tamahori's slapdash approach? Would he have said a word to Tamahori about it?

[Contessa]

A brief postscript explaining my usage of the term "innocuous" above:
I meant to convey "XXX"'s empty-headedness, not its harmlessness. I felt as if my IQ had dropped 20 points by the end of the soulless studio- product-labelled-a-movie. This is a warning to fellow posters yet to see it.

[Simon]

Countering the length of Jim's posts which have become ever more inventive, some points.

1. Location - totally agree. Mr had more of an epic feel to it because it did go outdoors more than twice in the movie.

2. Brosnan to retire, I think he is capable of a better Bond movie if properly served by script and director. Thoroughly enjoyed TCA and ToP. But to echo your points, I reckon we won't see him duly served so will have to make do with the present Bond (his portrayal is good - it's just the other stuff around him which doesn't do him any favours - let's not blame him for that)

3. I want to say more on location - but to be honest I would just be repeating myself and others - for God's sake Eon, either set the story in a country that can be filmed in or don't bother. I would prefer to see Paris than Blackpool passing for Vegas.

[Jim]

O is for Oh God, not more of this twaddle, oh sweet baby Jesus and all the little orphans, no. Oh yes. Learn to live with it.

O is also for Octopussy!, Run - it's. Schizophrenic film which cannot decide whether it's serious or stupid and plumps for seriously stupid. Tone (how to be nice) "undulates". We are fed little to no information about the motives of the leading female character (nor, dare I say it, her point). Crummy special effects. Crassly and casually racist, with dominant imperialistic attitude. Renegade Commie with unlikely side-interest in "gems" plans destruction, the result of which is his troops walking through neighbouring countries. James Bond is far too old. Erm...song's a bit odd. OK, so I ran out of steam with about a third of it to go there - bit like Die Another Day, huh? See what I did there? See? Oh, how "art" can imitate "life". I need a lie down in a darkened room.

O is also for Obviousness, The realm of crashing. So, let me get this right (as spokesperson for the last uncaptured demographic, the lobotmised amoebae); when that Mr Graves keeps banging on about what we know about ourselves "beneath the skin" and we know that he has some connection to that bloke in the clinic and he was trying to change his face and...hold on, that means that that Mr Graves is Colonel Moon. And yet it takes James Bond several more interminable minutes to work this one out. "Bit of a thickie". Suspense and expense seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum (whatever spectrum that might be - perhaps the ZX Spectrum on which they did the computer effects. I was reminded of Horace Goes Skiing at one point - can you guess which it was?)

O is also for Oliver Skeete, Inexplicable cameo by "equestrianist". Frankly, surreal. What's the point? Friend of the family? perhaps they hired him for his "look". Hardly Beckham, is he? Is he well known? What's the point of the joke? Although it does bring to mind an especially filthy comment I heard/made up about Oliver Skeete, Madonna and mounting horses, in which [A Lawyer writes: The original version of this post contained this joke. It has been removed for legal reasons and Jim has agreed to make an apology to the families of Mr Skeete and Mrs Ritchie and Master Dobbin, and a donation to the charity of their choice. If you happened to read the original version of this post, just...well...say it was for research purposes (known in the trade as "doing a Townshend")]

O is also for Orthodontics, You can tell who the villains are by their atrocious. It's a teeth thing. Mr Stephens has - what can I say - the most dramatic set of gnahsers since the Alien Queen. In a certain light, eerily reminiscent. Ms Pike, picture of pulchitrude she may be, but now and again the light of an errent arc light bounces off a toosiepeg that's not quite in line. These are British people. They are the baddies. Ms Berry has perfect teeth. She is Amercian people. She is a goodie. Mr Brosnan has fine teeth. He is..of no fixed abode...say American, unless he's got some tawdry TV movie about Oirish Orphans to promote. He is a goodie. Mr Yune has good teeth, and he doesn't appear to do anything very villainous anyway, so unless they re-edit the film and actually have him do something, then he is a goodie. On this theory. Which isn't very good. If analysed. at all. As a general rule of thumb though - big bad teeth, big bad baddie. Hours of fun.

O is also for Oracle, Let me consult the wise. So, we are promised "more of the same" are we. So, let's not have them try to tell us a James Bond story, but use - nay, hijack - nay, exploit - nay, ruin - the James Bond series for the sake of two hours of adverts aimed at demographics MGM are desparate to capture in a last pathetic attempt to shore up the studio. Spread thinly? Spread anorexically. At some point it may snap. The maxim that one cannot please all of the people all of the time is plainly not going to wash with MGM. The James Bond series is now a vehicle for a series of adverts for MGM's corporate partners to hang promotional work upon. It has nothing to tell us about James Bond. it need not. This is why we have a bland, inoffensive, plastic, corporate Starbucks James Bond with little or nothing remaining of the original character and is now a generic action hero who just so happens to be called James Bond. What was once the genre has now become the generic, what was once leading is now leeching, because MGM has been management consulted and told that they must capture all conceivably available audiences - so they look to their most widely known longest running asset, the Bond series, and shove it full of bland and render it vanilla.

It has been spoilt.

It deserved better than this.

It should never have come back, if this is its fate.

O is for Ordinary, Not terrible just.

[Xenobia]

Your oracle forgets that MGM will be sold soon, and all the plans made now will, undoubtedly, be remade by the new owners.

-- Xenobia

[General Koskov]

Oh goody. I'd buy MGM if I were a millionaire.

Hope the new owners don't keep having those loud explosions over and over again. Disturbs the peace...piece of fiction that is/was James Bond.

[stromberg]

Just to make sure that this marvelous review doesn't disappear:

The next letter is P.
P is for Please. Please, Jim, don't tell us you don't wanna bloody continue...

I highly enjoyed this (but I have to admit that I had to use a dictionary to get it all) and I hope that you somehow manage to make to Zee.

[Jim]

[Our eldest daughter died on 24th February 2003. She was 12 years old. She was run down outside her school by a woman who has since admitted she was driving too fast, as if that helps. Please

[Jim]

P is also for Pike, Rosamund. Pretty. Wasted. Far from pretty wasted. Character too obvious, bit of a shame. May have been better as Moneypenny. Obvious Moneypenny material, come to think of it. Just a passing thought. Not saying the current Moneypenny isn

[DLibrasnow]

I thought I was seeing things when I saw this thread was back. It's just like that damn Energizer Bunny. It keeps going, and going....

[Mister Asterix]

[I wouldn’t know what to say anyway.]

[Blofeld's Cat]

Jim, it's good to see you back doing what you seem to enjoy the most in these forums.

[Xenobia]

Ah yes....take note folks, if you want to attack Pierce Brosnan, do it as well as Jim does, or don't do it at all.

The Sheriff is back and town, and that outlaw Pierce Brosnan better run.

-- Xenobia

[Dr. Tynan]

He'd better run ****ing fast.

Good to see you back Jim.

[Tim007]

Glad to have you back, Jim!

[Dr Niles Crane]

Producers of Die Another Day and 'fat boy I run like a girl Brosnan Plank', take note - people will literally come back from the grave to dish your movie.

Excuse me - I am off to have hysterics - its so true, so very true

I hope you continue until you get up to zee, as in zee Cuban guys accent...

[Blofeld's Cat]

Originally posted by Dr Niles Crane
I hope you continue until you get up to zee, as in zee Cuban guys accent...

Being an English type, Jim would normally say "zed" rather than the American "zee," so when he arrives at "Z" I'm anticipating that "zee" will really refer to the comic/cartoon depiction of sleep. Which, knowing Jim, most likely occured to him during watching Die Another Day.

[Jim]

Originally posted by Dr. Tynan
He'd better run ****ing fast.

[Jim]

Q is also for Quince. Still don