83 replies to this topic

[Skudor]

I wonder if these people are deliberately messing up their chances so that they can continue claiming benefits. Surely no one can be this dumb?

Or maybe they can?

During my first week at university I walked past a stand manned by some fellow students. Written on a board behind them were the unforgettable words: "By tickets here!". As a foreign student in England, this was a more than a little worrying.

[Jim]

Oh Lord.

Is yours not an area apropos of words, very specifically? Are you not an editor, that edits language as opposed to strips of film?

If so, there are two very obvious and lonely dots that people seem not to be connecting.

Should never have advertised in the Daily Mail.

Lesson learned.

[MkB]

Got a real winner here.

Verbatim:-

"I am intrested in this chalengeing area of work. I have always prouded myself on my deddication to any job am am involved in and my foursight in developing startgy and plans in this everchanging field".

C'mon Jim, admit it: you're just disappointed he offered you a foursight instead of a foursome.

[Major Tallon]

Then there are the people who don't like the idea of Bond going rouge.

[Santa]

I agree with them.

[Kilroy6644]

Climatic is not the same thing as climactic. Twister has a climatic scene; Casino Royale does not.

[Simon]

Yup - that's a good one.

[Jim]

Oh Lord.

Is yours not an area apropos of words, very specifically? Are you not an editor, that edits language as opposed to strips of film?

If so, there are two very obvious and lonely dots that people seem not to be connecting.

Should never have advertised in the Daily Mail.

Lesson learned.

The magic continues.

"I am very interested in all aspects of editing and copywrite work..." Copywrite? Bin bin binsy bin. Merry Christmas.

"In my current job I have had the priviledge of..." Evidently not the privilege of a dictionary.

"I am a real people person." Whilst there's nothing ostensibly wrong in the way in which this is written, it's crashingly naff and I don't want it in the house.

Thrown on the fire, along with the lists for Santa.

[Simon]

I look forward to reading more of these applications to work for you well into 2011.

Indeed, can we expect applications to continue into 2012? The current trend would seem to suggest this has the legs.

[Simon]

I think this chap has seen this thread and is challenging fate to be quoted here. There really cannot be any other explanation.

"iv desided to sell my old vintage collection of old movie posters all in very good condishion viewing wellcome but there is no buy it now . just viewing if needed thanks for looking. please view my over items"

ebay

[Matt_13]

Got a real winner here.

Verbatim:-

"I am intrested in this chalengeing area of work. I have always prouded myself on my deddication to any job am am involved in and my foursight in developing startgy and plans in this everchanging field".

cv claims this person is a History graduate from something called Liverpool University.

I believe him.

Might employ him as some sort of pet. Or a footstool.

I unfortunately do feel some sympathy for whoever sent you that CV. Clearly his heart is in the right place, even if very few of his letters are (was I supposed to end the sentence with "are?" Damn. Ah! That's appropriate, but can I use this many punctuation marks within a set of parentheses without losing the attention of the reader? No? The hell with it. What's a verbatim?). Unless he was blitzed when he crafted that, he was no doubt doing his best. Still, no prize for second place in the work force, especially Jim's line of work (check fraud judging by the contents of that fellows resume).

I'm an undergraduate attempting a BA in history. 3.1 GPA. Meh. Should I just give up? Hell if I know what I want to do once I'm out. Everyone wants to be a writer, many want to teach. What do I want? Both? Not clever enough by my standards. I guess I'll just keep playing it by year, attempt to get into Grad School to stall the process (absolutely the smart thing to do...). Man I'd love to work as a field reporter in Kabul...



Alright, alright, how about this. I'll attempt to craft my own CV for Jim, who I'm going to guess is in the publishing business. This should go well, forgive the formatting, I have no idea what a resume for you should look like:


NAME: Matthew _________

DOB: September 19th, 1990

Education:
High School Diploma Attained 2008
3rd Year Undergraduate (History) at University of Massachusetts. Graduating Year: 2012

Work History:

Stop and Shop
Position: Meat Department Clerk
Years of Service: December 8th 2008-Present

I could use this space to discuss the two years of service in the public domain that has enabled me to develop both exceptional interpersonal skills and a familiarity with the hierarchical sensibilities of the workplace. I could use this space to explain how my command of the English language has been observed and rewarded by multiple professors during my ongoing stint at the University with written recommendations to serve as a writing tutor for my fellow classmates. I could further discuss my achievements both in the work force and throughout the duration of my personal life with suitable zeal and perhaps even some conceit. Unfortunately, none of these accolades and no amount of self promotion will suitably demonstrate my preparedness for service in this particular field of work. Working in publishing does not demand a steadfast commitment to consumer satisfaction, merely trust. Both readers and writers rely on the members of this modestly engaging profession to ensure high quality, accurate product on a consistent basis. I believe that my familiarity and fondness with not only proof reading the works of others, but my own small distractions as well qualifies me as a top candidate for this position. Writing has been a tedious hobby for most of my life. I appreciate the time and effort others put in to their works, and I understand my (potential) responsibility in seeing their dream come to fruition. It is a responsibility that I would relish, and I firmly believe I would be a worthy addition to your business team.



20 minutes of work. Adequate?

[Santa]

Meh. I'd hire you.

[Matt_13]

An impartial decision no doubt...

[MrKidd]

Not sure whether your post was a joke or not, Matt_13 but on the assumption it wasn't entirely tongue in cheek then i wouldn't worry about not knowing what you want do 'be' after uni - most people have no idea even when they're twice your age! And speaking as a teacher myself i can assure you that you're plenty smart enough. You dont need intelligence, albeit a modicum of the stuff is useful, just the ability to explain concepts in a clear and helpful way (which, admittedly, is a skill i its own right).

With that said I contest your sympathy with the moron who applied for Jim's job. His/her//it has obviously not put the slightest bit of effort in ensuring his/her/its resume is in working order and that is unacceptable in a job application. Having your heart in the right place goes a long way but I ain't gonna pay you money for it.

Edited by MrKidd, 21 December 2010 - 12:36 AM.

[Matt_13]

It was partially tongue in cheek, but the faux resume I put some time into, and is a pretty accurate (albeit brief) representation of something I'd cook up for a job application. I'd love to do some form of professional writing, as well as some kind of lecturing at a university (Afghanistan has a marvelously macabre history). Working on ideas as I go, though one thing is certain: I have to get out of Stop and Shop. They are going to kill me.

[MrKidd]

It was partially tongue in cheek, but the faux resume I put some time into, and is a pretty accurate (albeit brief) representation of something I'd cook up for a job application. I'd love to do some form of professional writing, as well as some kind of lecturing at a university (Afghanistan has a marvelously macabre history). Working on ideas as I go, though one thing is certain: I have to get out of Stop and Shop. They are going to kill me.

Difficult to jump straight into a university position - you might consider starting at a middle- or high - school first. Universities like you to have done some published research under your belt so maybe that idea of grad school to get that MBA or phd on afganistan isn't such a bad idea? The job environment today is tough for someone your age that's for sure. Don't envy you but wish you luck...

On the bright side the meat department is wayyyy better than the cheese counter!

Edited by MrKidd, 20 December 2010 - 01:54 AM.

[Matt_13]

It was partially tongue in cheek, but the faux resume I put some time into, and is a pretty accurate (albeit brief) representation of something I'd cook up for a job application. I'd love to do some form of professional writing, as well as some kind of lecturing at a university (Afghanistan has a marvelously macabre history). Working on ideas as I go, though one thing is certain: I have to get out of Stop and Shop. They are going to kill me.

Difficult to jump straight into a university position - you mitt consider starting at a middle- or high - school first. Universities like you to have done some published research under your belt so maybe that idea of grad school to get that MBA or phd on afganistan isn't such a bad idea? The job environment today is ttough for someone your age that's for sure. Don't envy you but wish you luck...

On the bright side the meat department is wayyyy better than the cheese counter!

Thanks for the support

I'm sure it'll be fine.

[MrKidd]

Thanks for the support

I'm sure it'll be fine.

It sounds trite but actually I'm sure it will. And what's more the opportunity will come way out of left field. Nothing good seems to happen when and where you expect it. Good luck

[Jim]

Having entered a detachment interface paradigm scenario with the last idiot, the hunt is on again and another few weeks of receiving pleasure through my slot.

This hit home: http://www.bbc.co.uk...gazine-14201796

Will run myself a little record of how many of those appear on the applications I receive.

Hasten to add - it's not the American bit of ostensible Americanism. It's the -ism bit. Awful expressions, whatever the source (and most of them will be olde Englishe).

[00Twelve]

Had a supervisor a while back who constantly said "irregardless." Much gritting of teeth during team meetings in those days.

[Simon]

"my bad"

"Normalcy"

"...already" in place of Now.

My gun is loaded, the eyesight is good, line 'em up.

[freemo]

I / Me / Myself

"Jack and me watched THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH twice."

The mistake is obvious. Why would anyone ever watch the THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH twice? Or once for that matter?

But then people go the other way and never use "me":

"You'll never guess what happened to Jack and I"

Let's say Jack didn't exist and never did:

"Me watched THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH twice." (Dodged a bullet there, Jack).

"You'll never guess what happened to I"

The solution? Apparently to used "myself":

"Jack and myself watched THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH twice." (Misery loves company).

"You'll never guess what happened to Jack and myself"

Again let's say Jack didn't exist and never did:

"Myself watched THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH twice."

"You'll never guess what happened to myself"

All by myself.
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore.

[Dustin]

Feeling decidedly lonely after reading this...

[Santa]

Feeling decidedly lonely after reading this...

Myself shall keep you company, Dustin.

[Loomis]

Why is it impossible to watch an episode of Newsnight or something similar on the Beeb without hearing educated, middle class interviewees injecting a "you know" and/or a "sort of" into every other sentence regardless of the topic under discussion? For example:

"The problem with Libya is, you know, that the British government has traditionally always refrained from sort of recognising particular governments or parties so much as, you know, whoever happens to control the territory in question."

And:

"When these reports of hacking first came out, people, you know, felt it was something that only sort of affected celebrities, but once it became clear that it went much wider than that, you know, the British public sort of felt that they'd, you know, crossed the line."

[Jim]

Y'know, I don't know, y'know.

Some winners from this month's batch of hapless applications:-

"I very much want to enter your data".

What a nice young man. I am assuming it's a euphemism. Didn't ask for data to be entered and that's not the job, but as I get older and wrinklier, it's nice to receive such attention.


"My grade was a 2:2 but my sociology of contemporary music tutor told me I could of got a 2:1".

Could you of? Oh good. And, forgive me, old freckle, but your who of what? I refuse to believe that any credible HE establishment runs any such module. The silent argument in the tuition fees debate is that there are an awful lot of these places that are nowhere near good enough to survive and have been taking taxpayers' money on a con. Bring on the free market economy, and I never thought I'd ever write that. Onset-of-middle-age rant over.


"This role will be an important development for my knowledge of grammar and language as these are areas I was not taught at school."

I'm not employing you to teach you, sonny. I assume you oven-ready, my chicken. I pay enough school fees already. It's always someone else's fault, isn't it? If you are self-taught, you're not too bad, but if you're looking to me to teach you, who do you think I am, ing Gandalf? I'm not ing Gandalf. Now off.


"DEar honorable sir my name is Natouli Mal-Dassou and I am the son of the Nigerian minister of the environment. PlEase do not delete this email as it gives insight into the state of my nation and my father's position and I know that you can help with a charitable donation."

He'll do.

[AMC Hornet]

This is a thread well worth reviving frequently.

Most of my own pet peeves were catalogued by Santa in the initial post. And thank you, Freemo, for beating me to the 'me and I' rant. That's exactly how I explained it to my children.

What always amuses me - and this occurs more frequently in speaking than writing - are people who try to impress others with their vocabulary by using unnecessarily big words when simpler ones are not only just as good, but actually more appropriate. One fellow I know always says "utilize" instead of "use." Always. He also says "you have to actually, physically look at it to tell the difference." ?

Then there are those who are so determined to impress that they don't realize that they are making up words in their effort to increase their syllable count. Words I've heard from people whom I might have otherwise considered reliable sources include:

'Compulsorary', as in "Saturday practices are cumpulsorary." I assume that means that such practices are required, but not for very long.

'Chastisise', as in "I chastisized you about that before." I suppose that means to give someone hell while they're running on the spot.

'Referberate', as in "As you can see, the floors have just been referberated." That must mean that the floors are now so shiny that they improve the acoustics of the room.

'Vehemenence', as in "I didn't expect him to respond with such vehemenence." Such a response could only come from an angry cardinal or pontiff.

The broken rule that really gets me, however, is the awkwardly-constructed sentence where the subjective and objective noun phrases are less-than-strategically placed, as in:

"For sale: set of cooking pots, perfect for cook with round bottom for easy beating."
or:
"Wanted: man to look after cow who does not smoke or drink."

I presented a list of these gaffs to my 8th grade class one day and we all got a chuckle out of them (after a few of them were read twice). I then warned them not to let this happen in their own writing. The next day I received a composition from one of the same students wherein "I took the plastic spoon with the seahorse handle and put it in my back pocket from the mac & cheese I'd had yesterday."

Yer just can't win.

Edited by AMC Hornet, 04 August 2011 - 06:28 PM.

[Simon]

This is a thread well worth reviving frequently.

Indeed.

However, its likelihood of frequent revision seems dependent almost entirely on Jim's endeavours to 'fill a position'. Inferences notwithstanding, come on, there are people on these very boards whose livelihoods are dependent on other interests and education that can do better than the some of the chuff Jim is withstanding - gallantly.

For my part, upon receiving some of this junk, I might have had a thaumaturgical,

Then there are those who are so determined to impress

and maybe misplaced moment, and retrained as an astronaut. At least related applications might have been based more on scientific equations and numbers than a parade of silliness.

Roll on the never ending quest, Jim...

[AMC Hornet]

...And another thing:

I challenge my fellow grammar nazis to go to a restaurant - any restaurant - and find a server who won't ask you "will you be ordering any drinks at all?" or "will you be ordering any desert at all?"

I'm tempted to say something facetious like "no, I won't be ordering anything at all," then let my companion do the ordering (if I can still find one who'll put up with me).

And when did 'momentarily' come to mean in a moment, rather than for a moment? Mr. Gardner commented on that one in Scorpius, where he described it quite accurately as "the incorrect American usage."

And, finally, when did it become acceptable to begin a sentence with 'and'?

Edited by AMC Hornet, 04 August 2011 - 06:33 PM.

[Santa]

I think I could meet my soulmate in this thread.