2121 replies to this topic

[K1Bond007]

Smoking, in modern context, just doesn't work anymore. Besides, as a spy, it's dangerous. In this non-smoking world, I can smell a smoker a mile away. Be too easy to mark Bond. "Shoot the guy who stinks." Unless the book is set in China, of course.

Hey, Fleming's early draft of Live and Let Die got criticized by Jonathan Cape because Bond was always going around eating scrambled eggs. There was no variety, which isn't a bad thing, but a secret agent who goes around and always eats scrambled eggs is not very secretive and actually quite stupid. Fleming ending up changing what Bond ate. That was Fleming though. He ate scrambled eggs all the time regardless of the meal time.

[Jim]

You've been strangely quite on all this, Jim.

(In fact, I'm surprised at how few Team members have had any reaction to this news.)

Insofar as I may have the temerity to write for others, it's not as if the project needs our endorsement more than that of any other fan.

It'll probably turn out to be a good idea, but at present the prospect of a Bond born in the 1980s strikes me as a bit too distancing from what I have enjoyed of the literary character and has me contemplating the disturbing concept that he may have watched Pingu. Something doesn't chime with me on these ideas - but that's not to say others shouldn't enjoy them.

Maintaining a cautious distance, for the moment. Might turn out well, but permit me my doubts.

Many Indian maidservants throughout Britain?

Does strike one as a bit odd, that.

NB from boxofficemojo

Warner Bros. Pictures announced that Sherlock Holmes 2, the sequel to last year's hit Sherlock Holmes, is now officially scheduled for release on Dec. 16, 2011. The studio also slated the mysterious comedy known as Project X for Nov. 23, 2011.

Um.

[DAN LIGHTER]

Smoking, in modern context, just doesn't work anymore. Besides, as a spy, it's dangerous. In this non-smoking world, I can smell a smoker a mile away. Be too easy to mark Bond. "Shoot the guy who stinks." Unless the book is set in China, of course.

Hey, Fleming's early draft of Live and Let Die got criticized by Jonathan Cape because Bond was always going around eating scrambled eggs. There was no variety, which isn't a bad thing, but a secret agent who goes around and always eats scrambled eggs is not very secretive and actually quite stupid. Fleming ending up changing what Bond ate. That was Fleming though. He ate scrambled eggs all the time regardless of the meal time.

I was thinking about what was Fleming's fascination with scrambled eggs the other day. What so special about it? Maybe it had something to do with him and rationing.

Deaver has said he takes up to a year to research his books, so I guess as most of that is done, he will know where he wants to go and it will be easy to write.

[Loomis]

Many Indian maidservants throughout Britain?

Does strike one as a bit odd, that.

Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not saying it's impossible - indeed, I'm certain that there must be some Indian "maidservants" in Britain, but I contend that the new May (or whatever Deaver will end up calling her) would be much more likely to be eastern European or a Filipina.

Not that that matters, of course. Deaver is free to make the character any nationality he pleases. "May" can be Indian if that's what his little heart desires. And being as how this is a work of fiction and ol' Jeff happens to be the author, he's also at liberty to give Bond, say, a Turkish butler or, heck, a personal doctor from somewhere in upper Burma.

Still, if he's going to airily claim that Britain is stuffed with domestic help of Indian origin, it does make me wonder how well he knows Bond's home turf, and whether PROJECT X will contain howlers along the lines of "Sir Havelock".

[zencat]

Bah, it's the England of dreams, not reality.

And with that I bid you, Cheerio!

[Doctor Shatterhand]

Many Indian maidservants throughout Britain?

Does strike one as a bit odd, that.

Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not saying it's impossible - indeed, I'm certain that there must be some Indian "maidservants" in Britain, but I contend that the new May (or whatever Deaver will end up calling her) would be much more likely to be eastern European or a Filipina.

Once again I think many here have misunderstood what I was pointing out. May, a Scottish housekeeper, is someone that is not as common in today's England. We Yanks have many hispanics in our country who will do any low wage job to get by. Many maid services here in America are populated with Mexican, Cuban or Puerto Rican females who show up at homes once a week to do housekeeping. The service is not too expensive either. A person on a middle income could afford to hire a maid service without emptying their bank account.

I can only assume that Deaver has done some research and concluded in his talk Wednesday night that Indian and Pakistani females are more prominent in services that provide maids in England than an Anglo-Saxon or African-European female. It would be interesting to find out by checking England's census bureau. Any takers?

[Quantumofsolace007]

You've been strangely quite on all this, Jim.

(In fact, I'm surprised at how few Team members have had any reaction to this news.)

Insofar as I may have the temerity to write for others, it's not as if the project needs our endorsement more than that of any other fan.

It'll probably turn out to be a good idea, but at present the prospect of a Bond born in the 1980s strikes me as a bit too distancing from what I have enjoyed of the literary character and has me contemplating the disturbing concept that he may have watched Pingu. Something doesn't chime with me on these ideas - but that's not to say others shouldn't enjoy them.

Maintaining a cautious distance, for the moment. Might turn out well, but permit me my doubts.

Many Indian maidservants throughout Britain?

Does strike one as a bit odd, that.

NB from boxofficemojo

Warner Bros. Pictures announced that Sherlock Holmes 2, the sequel to last year's hit Sherlock Holmes, is now officially scheduled for release on Dec. 16, 2011. The studio also slated the mysterious comedy known as Project X for Nov. 23, 2011.

Um.

hmmm Perhaps Wb will buy MGM and the mysterious comedy will turn into bond 23.


Stranger things have happened.

[Santa]

Many Indian maidservants throughout Britain?

Does strike one as a bit odd, that.

Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not saying it's impossible - indeed, I'm certain that there must be some Indian "maidservants" in Britain, but I contend that the new May (or whatever Deaver will end up calling her) would be much more likely to be eastern European or a Filipina.

Once again I think many here have misunderstood what I was pointing out. May, a Scottish housekeeper, is someone that is not as common in today's England. We Yanks have many hispanics in our country who will do any low wage job to get by. Many maid services here in America are populated with Mexican, Cuban or Puerto Rican females who show up at homes once a week to do housekeeping. The service is not too expensive either. A person on a middle income could afford to hire a maid service without emptying their bank account.

I can only assume that Deaver has done some research and concluded in his talk Wednesday night that Indian and Pakistani females are more prominent in services that provide maids in England than an Anglo-Saxon or African-European female. It would be interesting to find out by checking England's census bureau. Any takers?

I'm with Loomis and Jim. I understand what you're saying but as another English person, I find it unlikely his housekeeper these days, whether live-in or otherwise, would be Indian or Pakistani. Many people in England do have domestic help of some kind as you lot do, I don't think anyone is saying otherwise, it's just the Indian/Pakistani thing that sounds all wrong. As Loomis says, Eastern European, Filipina or Thai maybe would all be far more believable. I gulp at the phrase "many Indian maidservants throughout Britain". 30 years ago, possibly, but I really hope the rest of Deaver's research on English people is more accurate. I'm not saying it's a dealbreaker or a disaster but it certainly strikes a discordant note among the English people here straightaway.
I'm also unsure at this stage about the reboot but then I'm a huge fan of the floating timeline, it suits me perfectly and I don't really want to be able to date Bond to any period. Knowing when he was born takes me out of his world, adds an element of realism I'm not interested in as I like my Bond romanticised. But I realise that's just me. I do also prefer my Bond a bit mature and the idea of Bond being born in the 80s makes me squirm. 37 is my absolute minimum age for Bond. Although when I'm 37, Bond's minimum desirable age will become 38, and so on until Bond and I are 71 & 72 .
I realise I seem to have nothing but complaints about the whole thing but I am really looking forward to reading it. I so looked forward to Devil May Care for what turned out to be all the wrong reasons so I really hope my misgivings this time turn around and bite me on the bum.

[Bryce (003)]

Liked his other works. Just get the flavour and the tension spot on.

Details....details.

Looking forward to this.

[Loomis]

Once again I think many here have misunderstood what I was pointing out. May, a Scottish housekeeper, is someone that is not as common in today's England.

True. And I never disputed that. And I'm not calling for Fleming's May to appear.

We Yanks have many hispanics in our country who will do any low wage job to get by. Many maid services here in America are populated with Mexican, Cuban or Puerto Rican females who show up at homes once a week to do housekeeping.

Indeed. But the point I'm trying to make is that most Brits, when asked about the U.K. equivalent of America's famous Latina maid (known to the entire world via Hollywood movies), would not immediately picture a woman from the Indian subcontinent. They'd picture - well, if I may presume to speak for most of my countrymen - an eastern European, or maybe a Filipina.

I mean, it's as though a British author were writing a book set in Los Angeles that featured an Australian housekeeper and said "Well, as I understand it California is full of domestic helpers from Down Under." Sure, there are probably some, but there'd certainly be raised eyebrows from many Americans who know full well that Latinas have cornered that particular market.

But, still, Deaver is, of course, perfectly free to make the character any nationality he darn well pleases.

[quantumofsolace]

Once again I think many here have misunderstood what I was pointing out. May, a Scottish housekeeper, is someone that is not as common in today's England.

True. And I never disputed that. And I'm not calling for Fleming's May to appear.

We Yanks have many hispanics in our country who will do any low wage job to get by. Many maid services here in America are populated with Mexican, Cuban or Puerto Rican females who show up at homes once a week to do housekeeping.

Indeed. But the point I'm trying to make is that most Brits, when asked about the U.K. equivalent of America's famous Latina maid (known to the entire world via Hollywood movies), would not immediately picture a woman from the Indian subcontinent. They'd picture - well, if I may presume to speak for most of my countrymen - an eastern European, or maybe a Filipina.

I mean, it's as though a British author were writing a book set in Los Angeles that featured an Australian housekeeper and said "Well, as I understand it California is full of domestic helpers from Down Under." Sure, there are probably some, but there'd certainly be raised eyebrows from many Americans who know full well that Latinas have cornered that particular market.

But, still, Deaver is, of course, perfectly free to make the character any nationality he darn well pleases.

I agree with this. Eastern European would be the best fit , I think.

[[dark]]

This is all quite exciting - Deaver certainly sounds like a true James Bond fan, which why Charlie Higson's books just work. Faulks' lack of appreciation for Fleming's books is largely to blame for the lacklustre Devil May Care.

While I'm not quite sold on a Bond in his early 30s (born just a few years before me!), perhaps it's to cement Project X as a long-running series. The thought of it spanning several authors is also quite exciting - I'd rather look forward to a brand new take on Bond every other year than see a single author grow bored with the character over time.

I've also got faith in Deaver (and IFP) to determine what's necessary and what's not in respect to a reboot, but so far, he's making all the right noises about how to update Fleming's world for the 21st century. Roll on Project X!

[Doctor Shatterhand]

While I'm not quite sold on a Bond in his early 30s (born just a few years before me!)...

Welcome to old age, friend!

[[dark]]

While I'm not quite sold on a Bond in his early 30s (born just a few years before me!)...

Welcome to old age, friend!

I'm in denial.

[Zographos]

The prospect of a Bond born in the 1980s strikes me as a bit too distancing from what I have enjoyed of the literary character and has me contemplating the disturbing concept that he may have watched Pingu.

He'll have been just in time for Spicemania

Chew

On

That

[K1Bond007]

Smoking, in modern context, just doesn't work anymore. Besides, as a spy, it's dangerous. In this non-smoking world, I can smell a smoker a mile away. Be too easy to mark Bond. "Shoot the guy who stinks." Unless the book is set in China, of course.

Hey, Fleming's early draft of Live and Let Die got criticized by Jonathan Cape because Bond was always going around eating scrambled eggs. There was no variety, which isn't a bad thing, but a secret agent who goes around and always eats scrambled eggs is not very secretive and actually quite stupid. Fleming ending up changing what Bond ate. That was Fleming though. He ate scrambled eggs all the time regardless of the meal time.

I was thinking about what was Fleming's fascination with scrambled eggs the other day. What so special about it? Maybe it had something to do with him and rationing.

Yeah, it was post-WW2 rationing. Bond eats a lot of breakfast foods though if you've ever noticed.

[Jim]

I can only assume that Deaver has done some research and concluded in his talk Wednesday night that Indian and Pakistani females are more prominent in services that provide maids in England than an Anglo-Saxon or African-European female.

I suspect that's probably true.

There may be a "united by a common language/divided by what it means" thing going on here. If asked, I suspect that someone who turns up once a week to clean would be described by folks round these parts as a cleaner, rather than a maid. Maid has a different connotation I think, something like a slightly more permanent member of the household. Slightly antiquated expression, really.

Our cleaner is from Slovakia. Initially, anyway. I think. Now lives in Didcot. Our maid (although I wouldn't dare call her that because she scares me to death), who lives on site and provides for the children by making their breakfasts etc. (wouldn't dare ask her to make mine) and sorts out the tedious domestic arrangements, comes from Naples. She hired the cleaner.

Would a bachelor 2010 in his thirties have a maid? Would probably have/need a cleaner to come in. At least to wash the sheets.

Still, true, it's fantasyland. Bachelors in their thirties tend not to fend off giant squid in subterranean lairs, either.

[Byron]

This is all quite exciting - Deaver certainly sounds like a true James Bond fan, which why Charlie Higson's books just work. Faulks' lack of appreciation for Fleming's books is largely to blame for the lacklustre Devil May Care.

While I'm not quite sold on a Bond in his early 30s (born just a few years before me!), perhaps it's to cement Project X as a long-running series. The thought of it spanning several authors is also quite exciting - I'd rather look forward to a brand new take on Bond every other year than see a single author grow bored with the character over time.

I've also got faith in Deaver (and IFP) to determine what's necessary and what's not in respect to a reboot, but so far, he's making all the right noises about how to update Fleming's world for the 21st century. Roll on Project X!

I am also optimistic that Project X will be a better novel than the very
disappointing DMC. However i remain cautious. IMO it would have been better if Bond had been born in the 70's rather than the 80's. I would like to think of Bond as someone older than in his 20s. And with Goodnight being 21 i get a feeling this novel will be pitched more to the key marketing demographic of teens and early 20s (the Twilight crowd) rather than older fans.

Secondly i am concerned about a possible Islamic terrorism/terrorist plot. It seems way overdone. I would like to see something along the lines of Bond infiltrating underground channels distributing WMD parts and materials to states like North Korea and Burma. As the last Stalinist stronghold N Korea and the generals dictatorship in Burma would make for more interesting settings and characters. Also South Africa - a great opportunity was missed, having Bond operate a mission in pre-1994 apartheid South Africa so why not include it in some uranium.tritium smuggling plot-line.

Time will tell if this nu-Bond 2.0 will go down well with purists like myself.

[clinkeroo]

The prospect of a Bond born in the 1980s strikes me as a bit too distancing from what I have enjoyed of the literary character and has me contemplating the disturbing concept that he may have watched Pingu.

He'll have been just in time for Spicemania

Chew

On

That

We go from a Bond who wanted earmuffs for the Beatles (yes, I'm well aware it's from the films,) to a Bond who would be too young for Duran Duran, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Depeche Mode, and Oasis in their primes.

[Brisco]

Deaver's actual quote in Shatterhand's interview is, "The James Bond character I'm envisioning will have been born roughly in the early 1980s." He doesn't say that he is going to specifically list this Bond's birth date. Why would he? Fleming certainly never did, though IFP later ascribed that 1920 date because it sort of made sense. Deaver only says that that's how he's envisioning the character, and it's awfully kind of him to open up with fans about that kind of thing! Taken in the context of the interview, though, I kind of doubt we're going to get the kind of specificity that might ruin various readers' personal ideas of EXACTLY how old Bond is. So if you're picturing him being born in the late Seventies as opposed to the early Eighties, I'm guessing you're going to be alright. But we'll see!

[Trident]

The prospect of a Bond born in the 1980s strikes me as a bit too distancing from what I have enjoyed of the literary character and has me contemplating the disturbing concept that he may have watched Pingu.

He'll have been just in time for Spicemania

Chew

On

That

We go from a Bond who wanted earmuffs for the Beatles (yes, I'm well aware it's from the films,) to a Bond who would be too young for Duran Duran, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Depeche Mode, and Oasis in their primes.

Bond will not just have learned skiing, but also snowboarding. He may ride a motorcycle and perhaps play squash for 'casual' training (hand-eye coordination, reflexes, general stamina).

[Aris007]

While I'm not quite sold on a Bond in his early 30s (born just a few years before me!)...

Welcome to old age, friend!

Is 30 considered an old age?

[Trident]

You've been strangely quite on all this, Jim.

(In fact, I'm surprised at how few Team members have had any reaction to this news.)

Insofar as I may have the temerity to write for others, it's not as if the project needs our endorsement more than that of any other fan.

It'll probably turn out to be a good idea, but at present the prospect of a Bond born in the 1980s strikes me as a bit too distancing from what I have enjoyed of the literary character and has me contemplating the disturbing concept that he may have watched Pingu. Something doesn't chime with me on these ideas - but that's not to say others shouldn't enjoy them.

Maintaining a cautious distance, for the moment. Might turn out well, but permit me my doubts.

I must say, as a seasoned lit-Bond fan myself, for a long time I would have downright detested the idea. Until 2008, that is. I really think DMC has opened my eyes as to how much the whole Bond-heritage has turned into a burden for the series as a whole. And I'm not talking about the period setting here, that's not what I mean.

It's about everything Bond has already been through, that whole 'floating timeline' or whatever you want to call it. Each adventure's supposed to see Bond with the entire backstory of Fleming (and he was inconsistent himself) and whatever the present continuation writer chose to take (or leave) from his predecessors. It couldn't hold water forever.

That's not to say there cannot be very worthwhile efforts in period settings and/or in a 'classic' timeline/sense (for lack of a better expression). But the series as a whole (if it was to stay an ongoing series) has to break away from the monument that has become so overwhelming.

Since then I took a closer look at Gardner's continuations. And I have to concede that many things I didn't like about them initially, would have been much less of a bother to me, had those been within an 'official' reboot. In fact, the longer I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of regarding them as a reboot of sorts. And indeed I feel that would have given Gardner a welcome chance that might have seen him so much more at peace with his work. And us fans too. Alas, the time hadn't come for a reboot in the 80's.

I know we share some doubts about prolonging Young Bond from that last page of By Royal Command further into the Fettes years, as the character development was so successful and leaves little space for further evolvement there. I honestly think the same holds true for continuations of the adult Bond. If we want to see something fresh, we'll have to say goodbye to something old in the bargain.

If Deaver succeeds to transport the basic idea of Bondness (instead of the ashes of the previous adventures) into the present day, then he'll have opened a new universe for Bond to live on.

Just what Bond needs in my book.

[[dark]]

If Deaver succeeds to transport the basic idea of Bondness (instead of the ashes of the previous adventures) into the present day, then he'll have opened a new universe for Bond to live on.

Just what Bond needs in my book.

Amen.

[Jim]

If Deaver succeeds to transport the basic idea of Bondness (instead of the ashes of the previous adventures) into the present day, then he'll have opened a new universe for Bond to live on.

Just what Bond needs in my book.

Amen.

Not untrue, but embracing it comes down to what one perceives as the basic idea of Bondness. Which may differ to each individual reader.

[Loomis]

I really think DMC has opened my eyes as to how much the whole Bond-heritage has turned into a burden for the series as a whole. And I'm not talking about the period setting here, that's not what I mean.

It's about everything Bond has already been through, that whole 'floating timeline' or whatever you want to call it. Each adventure's supposed to see Bond with the entire backstory of Fleming (and he was inconsistent himself) and whatever the present continuation writer chose to take (or leave) from his predecessors. It couldn't hold water forever.

A big reason, I think, why the Eon films have always been much more successful and satisfying (for me, at least) than the continuation novels. The movies have never tended to make heavy weather of all the backstory and baggage.

[Trident]

If Deaver succeeds to transport the basic idea of Bondness (instead of the ashes of the previous adventures) into the present day, then he'll have opened a new universe for Bond to live on.

Just what Bond needs in my book.

Amen.

Not untrue, but embracing it comes down to what one perceives as the basic idea of Bondness. Which may differ to each individual reader.

Also true. As it is we have little option but hoping for the best here. But I really feel optimistic, as IFP could have chosen certainly worse than Deaver and personally I wouldn't have dared hoping IFP could even muster the energy for such a bold step in the first place. Now I keep my fingers crossed for Deaver and the Project X series.

Yes, we've had let-downs in the past. Still, shouldn't impair our optimism for the future. After all, we've also had some pleasant surprises.

[Trident]

I really think DMC has opened my eyes as to how much the whole Bond-heritage has turned into a burden for the series as a whole. And I'm not talking about the period setting here, that's not what I mean.

It's about everything Bond has already been through, that whole 'floating timeline' or whatever you want to call it. Each adventure's supposed to see Bond with the entire backstory of Fleming (and he was inconsistent himself) and whatever the present continuation writer chose to take (or leave) from his predecessors. It couldn't hold water forever.

A big reason, I think, why the Eon films have always been much more successful and satisfying (for me, at least) than the continuation novels. The movies have never tended to make heavy weather of all the backstory and baggage.

Likewise true. But I suspect our demands on the art of storytelling, on plot and character development have changed somehow over the years. There is a pressure on films today to be realistic/relevant/memorable/entertaining/meaningful/sophisticated/continueadinfinitum that perhaps was less defined in the 70's/80's and before that. It's partially the event-culture we've wrapped ourselves in, every next new film a 'major' superlative, a milestone, that has lead us to interpret more into the thing than it's really worth in the end. Which is perhaps why the entertainment sector, where Bond plays his game, has had a harder time recently. Not sure if it's over yet.

[Jim]

Project Codename

Hiding his irritation as best he could, M. stared at the spreadsheet again, willingly it to tell him something he wanted to know. Or could understand.

He hated this sort of thing. Accepting that the decision ultimately came down to him only made him hate it all the more. He turned to look at the younger man, who was absent-mindedly fiddling with a multicoloured charity bracelet on his left wrist. Help for Heroes? Possibly. Equally possibly Gay Pride. Whilst he did not assume the man opposite to be homosexual, despite the appalling over-grooming and good teeth, he would have preferred it to having to tolerate the lazy irony and sneering cynicism so evident in youthery of his type.

“So,” he barked, “apparently you’re the best of a bad lot.” The young man nodded and M. noted with some distaste the faux-Maori tattoo on his neck. Dear oh dear. As if the diamond stud in his left ear and the fashionably outdated fin haircut hadn’t been enough.

He appears to be wearing jeans.

M. turned back to the screen and pressed it, opening - after five minutes of rebooting - a new window. ing Vista. Reboot, he thought. What the hell sort of word was that? Probably emanating from the same crazed mind as “functionality”, or - God help us all - “intel”. Still, that had been the word used by the Human Resources junta as to what this exercise involved. Who, M. wondered, put the Re into Boot? Probably the same person as put it into Gurgitate and Tard. Both of which, he considered, applied to this idiot opposite him, and the prospect of going through with this sorry pantomime.

The file was even more depressing. Gulshan Cavill, apparently. Hmm. Born 29 February 1980...

M. wrinkled his nose. He could remember precisely what he was doing that day, and to whom. Lord, this was depressing. He read on, obliged to. The remaining details bored him. Looking back at the young man, whose posture depressed him marginally more than the way he had turned up the collars of his SEA ISLAND COTTON POLO SHIRT, he growled “There are things you need to know, and some things I will tell you anyway because that keeps me talking and the thought of your talking to me depresses me intensely.

“Firstly, you take on a distinguished mantle. The first man using this number was the original James Bond. Eton-educated, war- and heart-scarred, sixty-a-day man and nearly as many cigarettes. A legend. Went a bit bonkers and tried to kill one of my predecessors. Not the woman, although can’t say she wouldn’t have deserved it. Had to make it all a bit hush-hush so when we replaced him with Captain Boldman and have him take the name and number, we thought we were doing the right thing, and it sort of worked early on but he developed a liking for chicken pie, sandals, an inability to spot an obvious traitor and recognising poetry and was, in truth, all a bit grammar school it has to be said. Bit of a pleb. Bit too interested in the minutiae of weaponry to be healthy. Or interesting. Then there was his replacement, strange man who thought he was in an action film and kept looking at himself in the mirror when not blowing things up and, oh I forget, something about Union trouble I think. Before my time. Then there was the thing with the teenage boy…erm…

“And now, I get you. Hm. You are my James Bond.”

“S’right, Chief.”

M. rolled his lips back over his teeth, revealing them to be sharp and black-gummed. “For a start, Bond, do not refer to me as Chief. Your chief I might be, but please dispense with the casual, but sarcastic, deference so common in men of your indolent, well-fed generation, high on blue WKD and low on conversation beyond reciting the jokes pages in Nuts and Zoo and, according to this, The Lady.”

“In touch with my feminine side, innit, Squire? Birds go for that.”

“Please cease this mockney laddishness and grow up, 007. There will be plenty of…um…birds if you do.”

“Sorted.”

“And given that you were expensively privately educated alongside a clutch of Tobys with surnames lasting longer than this feeble skit, drop the patois. But not your Hs.”

Bond nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Better. Now, our vetting has brought up a number of… matters that need to be dealt with before you can be assigned to the 00 Section. The first appears to be your cleaner, Ekaterina Khan.”

“She’s more than a cleaner, sir. She’s my maid.”

M. sniffed at the preposterousness of a thirty year-old preening yobbo, however monied, having a maid. True, the original Bond had employed a housekeeper, but then he had been from a wartime generation - and a family - that did employ domestics. This Bond’s father - born in 1962 - had been trade. How vulgar. M. suspected that this young idiot had probably read in GQ that a maid was a cool thing to have. In every meaning of the expression.

Bond adjusted his crotch and sat back. “She does all sorts, not just cleaning, yeah? Know what I mean?”

M. looked back at the monitor, woggling the mouse to remove the catastrophically pørnographic screensaver. “Says here that she makes your breakfast. Tiptree Little Scarlet and Norwegian heather honey?”

“Nah; can of Red Bull, spliff and an Egg McMuffin.”

“Not scrambled eggs?”

“I’ve scrambled hers.”

M. snorted. “Yes. So I understand from your Facebook profile. From now on, you stop uploading films of your depraved exploitation of this woman for the delictation of your braying friends, yes? Any more recording on your phone of her sad face as you spray your grimy manfat onto it and then force her to wipe it off with a fifty pound note, must stop. Understood?”

The hairs on the back of Bond’s neck stood up. Largely because he had gelled them that way. “Alright,” he sneered, vowing to change his privacy settings.

M. continued. “Actually, we’ve had our eye on her for some time.”

“You dirty old bastard. Sorry. You dirty old bastard, sir.”

“Not like that. Much. Given her surname, she’s obviously Pakistani and is therefore bound to be in Al Qaeda and kidnap you and get you involved in some scheme involving the nuclear arms race between India and Pakistan and it’ll all probably be marginally less convincing than Octopussy.”

“Cool. I like Octopussy.”

M. sighed. “Is that because it has the word pussy in it?”

“Anything with pussy in it is well whack, chief. Sir. Sir chief. And I was three when I saw it. Just right for a three-year-old, ing Octopussy. Y’know, not complex like Pingu. Or cress.”

M. sighed. “You do realise that when Alexander the Great was your age he had conquered empires?”

Bond shrugged. He genuinely did not care. Nor understand. No-one had taught him that, so that was their fault.

“Tell me, “ said M., “how you spend your days?”

“Well, I gets up, probably about noon, not really a morning person, throw a sickie, yeah? Hang around a bit, couple of hours downloading Scarne’s How to Cheat at Call of Duty XVII, sometimes a bit of “internet based research”, know what I mean?, then few bevvies with the lads before getting down to Shalimar’s, see what the action is, get lagered, yeah? Sometimes they play the vintage stuff, that’s ing funny, yeah?”

“The Ink Spots?”

“The what-now? Nah, mate. Stuff me dad likes. Trance, yeah? Acid-jockey-ambient-noise-thrum. Sometimes they dig out the sort of thing my gran used to listen to. U2. Duran Duran. Bombalurina ft. Timmy Mallett. Y’know, the really old-fashioned stuff. On cassettes. Well weird.”

Depressed, M. turned back to the screen and continued reading. “Don‘t you think you‘re a bit old for this sort of adolescent rubbish?”

“Nah. Free world, innit?”

“Says here that you have an in-depth knowledge of modern history. That’s always useful in a 00, so that you appreciate the political impact of what you do. Tell me, what was your reaction to the reunification of Germany and the demolition of the Berlin Wall?”

“The what?”

“The Berlin Wall. Surely you’ve heard of it?”

“Is it like a club or something?”

M. growled.

“Only joshing, mate. But chillax. Anyway, I was nine, so I dunno. Was it a good thing? No-one ever taught me that at school, so it‘s their fault.”

“What about the Rwandan massacres?”

“Nothing to do with me.”

“No…I mean…oh, forget it. Fine. Good. What would you say is the direst threat against the word today?”

Bond, in thought, twirled his blingtastic necklace. “Well, it’s like the environment and everyfink, yeah? It’s like that’s a bad thing and people should just share a fat one and sit round and say “stop”, you know what I mean?”

“Stop the environment?”

“Yeah.”

Satisfied that Bond could successfully elucidate Anglo-American resource policy, M. moved on. “Is that a real Rolex?”

Bond shifted, uneasily. Probably due to the waist of his trousers being somewhere around his ankles. “Er…yeah?”

M’s eyes narrowed. “What’s the serial number then?”

“Who gives a , man?”

M. nodded. “Is the right answer.” He scrolled down the file. “Says here that you have been caught on surveillance camera on more than one occasion. That has to stop.”

“Yeah, well I was only doin’ fifty, and the Beemer looked sweet that day, so…”

“It’s not appropriate for agents of Her Majesty’s Government to be seen anywhere near a BMW. Captain Boldman especially had an aversion to them; always seemed to be tailing him down country lanes in Surrey. For pages. And pages. And pages…oh God, will it ever end? Anyway, hand over the keys.”

Bond sullenly slapped them down onto the shatterproof glass desk. Shame. He’d ing loved that car. “What do I get then; a Bentley?”

“A thirty-year-old in a Bentley? No; you’re not a footballer. I’ll decide what you and the other 00-agents are issued.”

“Y’mean there are more of us? I get, like, an entourage?”

“Being a 00 isn’t some sort of unlicensed drinking and shagging club, 007!” barked M. “Well, not much, anyway. Tell me,” M. continued, hastily changing whatever the subject had bothered to be, “have you ever been in a war?”

“Like the WAR ON TERROR? Sir, Yes Sir!”

“No, I mean a real war.”

“War on Terror’s a real war, Sir!”

“Stop shouting. You’re not an American. Unless you are. No, I mean a war that has a start and a probable end.”

“War on Terror started in 2001 Sir! There were no terrists before then, Sir!”

“Brushing that outrageously offensive observation aside, I’m taking the answer to be probably not and probably never.”

Bond did not respond. He frowned, trying to avoid the thought that this M. guy was probably some gook-hugging homo. Half-hour on the waterboard would sort him, towelhead-lover.

M. reached the end of the profile. Yes, the man was an idiot, and yes, typified the worst of the generation of indulged man-children whose twenties appeared to have passed them by and now spent their better salaries on the sort of toys they wished they had had when the time had been right - when they had been eight years old - and, yes, exactly the sort of man he would have no qualms about sending to his death, a death that he hoped would be very, very painful and very, very soon.

“As you know, 007, there’s been a reorganisation of this department. We have to be brought up to date, apparently, don’t know why, and you are the ostensible means by which this will be achieved. So, from now on, no lager…”

“ing joking there, mate.”

“…instead, martinis.”

“A thirty-year-old single man drinking a martini? Where are you sending me - Canal Street?”

M. ignored this tremendously good idea. “No more online poker…”

“. I was making a mint.”

“I don’t care. From now on, Canasta, Roulette and Bridge.”

“They ing solicitors or somefink?”

“From now,” M. continued, “your previous identity - such as it was an identity and not some sort of generation-typifyingly depressing morass of prejudices and overprivileged tosspottery and Sunday League football - will simply be referred to as Project X.”

“Cool.”

“And I can promise you,” said M., “we’re certainly in for some changes to some preconceived notions of how all this works. Some real twists and turns.”

“Yesh,” said Bond. “After all, I’d never have expected M. to have been a talking labrador.”

M. unlolloped his tongue, and commenced licking his own anus.

SOMEONE CALLED JAMES BOND WILL RETURN

[zencat]

There may be a "united by a common language/divided by what it means" thing going on here. If asked, I suspect that someone who turns up once a week to clean would be described by folks round these parts as a cleaner...