95 replies to this topic

[Nicolas Suszczyk]

The only exception is when he kills Lieutenant Orso (who he does shoot in cold blood)

Bond's cold blooded murder is Carlos, the Bolivian Chief if Police (Fernando Guillém Cuervo). Lt. Orso (Jesús Ochoa) is shot down by Camille before she confronts Medrano.


Another B23 nightmare...

MGM logo. Then Columbia logo... fade to black...
....
.......
..........
............

Fade in: First scene of the film.

[Nicolas Suszczyk]

TITLE: Cartes Blanches et Roses Rouges
JAMES BOND: Matt Damon
DIRECTOR: Dan Bradley, Marc Forster and Paul Greengrass.
BOND GIRLS: None
GADGETS: None
CAR(S): None
MI6 STAFF: Will Smith (M), Dwayne Johnson (Q), Jada Pinkett Smith (Moneypenny)
TITLE SONG: Don Omar (A reggaeton singer)
SCORE: The one from the "Cow and Chicken" cartoon.
WRITTEN BY: Someone who hates James Bond.

PLOT: Matt Damon gets up at 6.00 am. He has breakfast and he's proud of himself. Until his cellphone rings. He awnsers the call and hears M's voice: "007, report in one hour". He enters in shock, and replies: "I'm not 007. I'm Jason Bourne. I hate 007". Q is also listening the conversation, and says: "Oh, grow up 007. I haven't time for that adolescent antiques." An indignated Damon shouts "I'M NOT JAMES BOND DAMMIT!!!" and cuts off the call and starts perspiring and crying. The phone rings again. He awnsers and it's Moneypenny: "James! You're supposed to take after your children! our children. They're all the time asking for his father."
He hangs up again, shouting and punching and kicking everything he sees (all this filmed with the shakey cam thechnique). He checks out his wallet and finds an ID card with his photo in it reading JAMES BOND, AGENT 007. He shouts even louder and finds his Walther PPK. He puts the gun against his head... and pulls the trigger.

GUNBARREL: In this scene we get the barrel. A CGI bullet flying in slo-mo flying through it and reaching Damon/Bond/Bourne's head.

Last scene of the film: M, Q, and Penny on Bond's funeral. Q and Penny give a speech saying things like: "He was a good boy", "he was irresponsible but funny", "I'll miss him, even when he destroyed all the equipment". M, in contrast, says: "Spare me the sentimental rubbish! He was an agent like any other, dammit. Now get another one!!!"
Credits roll.

[Goodnight]

You are welcome. Something has just occurred to me. The famous line uttered by George Lazenby at the start of OHMSS - "This never happened to the other fella" - seems to aptly sum up Clegg's first few unhappy months in office!

Haha, wonderful

I think George Osborne would actually make a good villian, I could imagine him being a bit like Elliot Carver.

George Osborne walks into a cabinet meeting in a black Kenzo suit.....

"Good morning my golden retreivers. What kind of havoc shall Her Majesty's Treasury create in the world today?"

[coco1997]

'DIAMONDS ARE 4 POOFS' AKA 'OCTOBOOEY'

ROBERT TWATINSON as James Bond 007
KANYE WEST as BryanHerbert
DARREN CRISS and CHRIS COLFER as Wint and Kidd, Jr.
MEGAN FOX as Pearly Gates
KE$HA as -Hardy
ASHTON KUTCHER as Felix Kelso
RUSSELL BRAND as Q/Major Hemorrhoid
KEITH OLBERMANN as M(SNBC)

BOND CAR: Hummer H2 that transforms into a Pontiac Aztek

TITLE SONG
sung by
The cast of "GLEE" featuring JUSTIN BIEBER featuring SOULJA BOY featuring and produced by KANYE WEST

DIRECTED by SEAN PENN

[Goodnight]

Hopefully none of the following will ever emerge....



Bond's new car, laid with lots of (useless) gadgets.

[DR76]

A return to the cartoonish style of the 60s and 70s Bond films.

[univex]

Die Another Day 2, nuff said

[Bondian]

TITLE: The Spy Who Blinded Me (bastard)
JAMES BOND: Sarah Palin (in full slap)
DIRECTOR: Stevie Wonder
BOND GIRLS: Shirley Connery, Georgia Lazenby, Randy Moore, Tammy Dalton, Pat Brosnan and Daphne Craig
GADGETS: Wheelchair (with built-in contraceptive), Bifocal Glasses, Colostamy Bag (with built-in contraceptive) and two nuns with exploding nipples
CAR(S): Wheelchair (with built-in contraceptive), Bifocal Glasses, Colostamy Bag (with built-in contraceptive) and two nuns with exploding nipples. Oh, and a bicycle that actually has lights
MI6 STAFF: (M) Michael G. Wilson (Miss Makeapenny) Barbara Brocolli (Q) Dale Winton
TITLE SONG: Death is in The Eye of The Beholder
SCORE: Liverpool 1 - 0 Arsenal
WRITTEN BY: Muammar Gaddafi

[Binyamin]

TITLE: 007 1/2
JAMES BOND: Charlie Sheen
BOND GIRLS: Madonna, Lady GaGa, and Justin Bieber
GADGETS: Solex Vibrator, A hairpiece, and a fatsuit
CAR: Smart Car
TITLE SONG: Like A Virgin
PLOT: Bond is sent undercover, disguised using the listed gadgets, to recover the mysterious Solex Vibrator, a powerful device that harnesses vast energy and focuses it on one precise point.

[Turn]

Mine would be the following headline:
Pierce Brosnan to Return to James Bond 007 Role

Eon welcomes back former 007 for unfinished business.

Nothing against the Bros, but he over for what I considered a more interesting actor in the role following a lengthy hiatus once, and if that were to happen again it would characterize a nightmare for me.

[solace]

TITLE: 007 1/2
JAMES BOND: Charlie Sheen
BOND GIRLS: Madonna, Lady GaGa, and Justin Bieber
GADGETS: Solex Vibrator, A hairpiece, and a fatsuit
CAR: Smart Car
TITLE SONG: Like A Virgin
PLOT: Bond is sent undercover, disguised using the listed gadgets, to recover the mysterious Solex Vibrator, a powerful device that harnesses vast energy and focuses it on one precise point.

Spot on.

[mttvolcano]

This thread always kills me! I wish I could think of this stuff!! LOL

[RJJB]

As horrible as all these suggestions are, would they be enough to keep you from seeing an EON Bond movie? I'm sure I would see whatever they would produce. Would probably regret it, but I'm sure I'll still go see it.

[MkB]

My nightmare Bond film?

Bond has a child.

[Pussfeller]

My nightmare Bond film?

Bond has a child.

There's a good reason never to let Spielberg direct a Bond film, since he would almost certainly feel the temptation to cram some freckle-faced brat into it. But your nightmare does raise a question: How has Bond not had a child? Does MI6 sterilize their agents as a routine precaution against paternity suits? Has Bond been shooting blanks all these years?

My nightmares:

Someone creates a clone of Bond. You know, a "clone" in the Hollywood sense of a perfect duplicate that's precisely the same age as the original, and also evil and psychopathic. It's ridiculous, but it's also just the sort of thing they might attempt if they were ever to take the sci-fi element a little too far, as in MR and DAD.

Any action scenes set underwater.

Cybernetic Felix Leiter.

Broad, farcical comedy.

[Binyamin]

Any action scenes set underwater.

Actually, it's time for another good underwater diving sequence.

[The Shark]

Any action scenes set underwater.

Actually, it's time for another good underwater diving sequence.

Agreed. The THUNDERBALL underwater finale is one of the most breathtaking fight sequences in the entire series. Revolutionary and very well choreographed. Must have been a nightmare to edit.

[Pussfeller]

Any action scenes set underwater.

Actually, it's time for another good underwater diving sequence.

Agreed. The THUNDERBALL underwater finale is one of the most breathtaking fight sequences in the entire series. Revolutionary and very well choreographed. Must have been a nightmare to edit.

Are we discussing the same scene? The scene where a bunch of anonymous frogmen wriggle around in slow-motion for seven days and seven nights? The scene where you can't even tell which guy is on which side? Where nothing happens and nothing whatsoever is at stake? The scene that lasts long enough it ought to have its own intermission? The scene so boring that the film itself begins to fast-forward?

That scene is tedious even in comparison to underwater sequences in other Bond films. Those in For Your Eyes Only and The Spy Who Loved Me are vastly better, chiefly because they are shorter and more to the point. Hell, I even prefer the "underwater scene" in AVTAK - you know, where Bond is breathing from the tires - to the melee in Thunderball. Underwater scenes may occasionally be useful for conveying tension and mystery, but once overt action breaks out, it's like watching paint dry.

[Safari Suit]

My nightmare Bond film?

Bond has a child.

Especially if he had one Junior-style

[jaguar007]

I think my nightmare Bond movie just happened.

[The Shark]

Any action scenes set underwater.

Actually, it's time for another good underwater diving sequence.

Agreed. The THUNDERBALL underwater finale is one of the most breathtaking fight sequences in the entire series. Revolutionary and very well choreographed. Must have been a nightmare to edit.

Are we discussing the same scene? The scene where a bunch of anonymous frogmen wriggle around in slow-motion for seven days and seven nights? The scene where you can't even tell which guy is on which side? Where nothing happens and nothing whatsoever is at stake? The scene that lasts long enough it ought to have its own intermission? The scene so boring that the film itself begins to fast-forward?

They're not anonymous (apart from Bond). They're good vs. evil. Manichean logic. And yes, while they're moving slowly (as expected), they violent editing and Barr's music keeps everything on its feet, at a brisk pace.

The fate of Miami's at stake, if you were wondering. The Disco Volante could easily do an atomic kamikaze off the coast.

And if you can't tell which man is on which side, then you should give me the name of your oculist. Colour blindness is a terrible thing.

Red = US Coast Guard.
Black = SPECTRE.

What's so heart about that?

That scene is tedious even in comparison to underwater sequences in other Bond films. Those in For Your Eyes Only and The Spy Who Loved Me are vastly better, chiefly because they are shorter and more to the point. Hell, I even prefer the "underwater scene" in AVTAK - you know, where Bond is breathing from the tires - to the melee in Thunderball. Underwater scenes may occasionally be useful for conveying tension and mystery, but once overt action breaks out, it's like watching paint dry.

Comparison to those sequences is useless, because of they're not of that ilk. The THUNDERBALL finale is of the gypsy camp raid, volcano assault, battle at Piz Gloria, oil rig attack and Liparus breakout. They're epic struggles, pure pulp. Not short to-the-point skirmishes or plot devices.

Personally I find the FYEO scene far more laborious and plodding (a lot down to the fact that they're slowed done even more, by diving bells and bathosubs!), and Hamlisch's disco pørn score for the TSWLM scene doesn't help at all.

[jaguar007]

One must also remember the era of the Thunderball battle v/s the era of FYEO. Thunderball was one of the very first movies to use underwater photography of that scale. It was much more breathtaking in 1965 than it is today.

[The Shark]

One must also remember the era of the Thunderball battle v/s the era of FYEO. Thunderball was one of the very first movies to use underwater photography of that scale. It was much more breathtaking in 1965 than it is today.

Exactly. Our ADD generation forgets how cutting edge that footage and choreography once were.

Arguably even more so than Willy Bogner's work on OHMSS, which was already prefaced (if only just) by Stefan Zürcher's concurrent work on DOWNHILL RACER (which my dad did some of the ski stunts on).

[Satorious]

I appreciate the finale of Thunderball on a visual and technical level - especially considering when it was made. A lot of work clearly went into this. However Young stated repeatedly that he wasn't happy with it himself as "it slowed down the pace way too much". This said I find some of the occasional bursts of brutal spear-gun action gives it some edge. I also rather like the FYEO scene too, these are both the "underwater highlights" of the series so far as I'm concerned. So long as it's not just another underwater scene shoe-horned in and it has something new to say or is integral to the plot - then I'm happy to see Bond underwater again. The underwater scenes in TND is the nadir of the series. I can't even recall what happens it was so unmemorable. These and the submarine scenes in TWINE.

Back on topic - anything with the words Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer would generally whip me into a mad frenzy if associated with Bond...

[0077]

LADY GAGA having to do the theme song or making an appearance in the film. I don't care if 23 turns out to be the greatest Bond movie of all time; I will skip it and never ever watch it on that basis alone.

I'm so sick and tired of Gaga to the point where I'm wishing she was never born. Roger Taylor should sue her for a blatant plagiarization of a good Queen song

Edited by 0077, 28 March 2011 - 07:04 PM.

[Chief of SIS]

I had a nightmare once that Bond went back to space...SPACE I TELL YOU! What logical super-villain, even a fictional one, would plan their world domination from a satellite or some other doomsday device in the sky. We have plenty of things on earth that can be exploited. No one needs to spends one trillion dollars to put a diamond satellite in the sky (I'm looking at you Gustav). Besides that, why would Bond go up there even! Send a few rockets. And do not tell me this satellite/mini-planet thing can protect itself from every possible assault besides from a single man. 'Moonraker' had its purpose, I understand that but could you imagine the horror of putting Daniel Craig's Bond in space? Space; the worst frontier.

Edited by Chief of SIS, 28 March 2011 - 09:17 PM.

[0077]

Cross pollinate Bond with The Avengers.....1998

Edited by 0077, 28 March 2011 - 10:24 PM.

[Nicolas Suszczyk]

Albert R Broccoli's EON Productions in asociation with MARC FORSTER presents a MARC FORSTER film from a MARC FORSTER production starring DANIEL CRAIG as Robert Ludlum's JAMES BOURNE 007 in 

"QUANTUM OF SOLACE 2"

Jennifer Aniston / Halle Berry / Ralph Gorgory / Cristina Kirchner / and Abe Simpson as M

Editors MATT CHASE & RICK PEARSON assisted by MARC FORSTER

Music by MARC FORSTER

Director of Photography ROBERTO SCHEAFFER assisted by MARC FORSTER

Costume design LOUSE FROGLEY with dresses worn by MARC FORSTER

Production Design by DENIS GASSNER aided by MARC FORSTER

Written by MARC FORSTER aided by NEAL PURCIS, ROBERT WADE & PAUL HAGGIS

Produced by MARC FORSTER who kicked out BARBARA BROCCOLI & MICHAEL G WILSON

Directed by MARC FORSTER


The film begins (without the gunbarrel) with Yusef Kabira's interrogation, held by Bourne and M. He is actually an innocent boy who gave a cheap love knot imitation to her girlfriend Corrine. The necklace was apparently bought on Argentina, so Bourne follows the lead to Buenos Aires to find out who the author of the fake is. 

At the same time, M learns that a personal friend of his, leader of the Argentinean Government opposition, has been killed. He was also Vesper's father. So Bourne forgets about the necklace and he finally finds out that Cristina Kirchner is actually a member of Quantum, who, aided by the late General Medrano, has taken the power of the government. She was behind the fake necklaces and the assasination of Vesper's father.

Bourne finally shots her down and all the people start praising him, proposing him to go for the Presidential Election. He doubts at the beginning, but Jinx and Miss Wetpussy (Jen Aniston) "convince" him to do so in a shakey cam filmed sex scene.

The film ends with Bourne winning the elections. "James Boune Theme" plays as the end credit rolls.

There is no gunbarrel in the whole movie.

JAMES BOURNE WILL RETURN in...
Another MARC FORSTER film

[AMC Hornet]

SONY PICTURES
presents
a MENAHEN GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS production
of a PAUL VEERHOVEN film
Starring JASON CONNERY as KEVIN McCLORY's James Bond 007
in
WARHEAD 2012
with Teri Hatcher, Denise Richards, Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen
with Jerry Springer as Felix Leiter
Tanya Roberts as 'M'
and Cuba Gooding Jr (in drag) as "Blofeld"
Written by EDWARD NEUMEIER
Based on a screen treatment by Jack Whittingham and KEVIN McCLORY
Music by Michel LeGrand and Eric Serra
Title Song "Another Way to Copy SPYMAKER" written by Jack White & Alicia Keyes
Performed by PINK

[00Twelve]

Just thought of the prospect of a Ke$ha title song. Gah.