95 replies to this topic

[Zorin Industries]

Leona Lewis singing the title tune.

[The Shark]

Michael Bublé singing the title song.

[Royal Dalton]

Michael Bublé and Leona Lewis singing the title song, written by Gary Barlow.

[DaveBond21]

Bond vs Bourne (2012)

[The Shark]

Bond Does Bourne (2013)

[A Kristatos]

2-hour long Moon Buggy chase set to "Do You Know How Christmas Trees Are Grown?"

Oh man! That killed me!

Title: "YO MAMMA"
James Bond: Vin Diesel
Director: Michael Bay
Bondgirl: Halle Berry
Villain: Vin Diesel (Bond's evil twin)
Allie: Vin Diesel (Bond's good twin)
Car: Lamborghini Murciélago (it can fly)

Plot: As it's a Bay film, things explode, the rest doesn't matter.

That may be the funniest "bad" Bond title I have ever seen!

Michael Bublé and Leona Lewis singing the title song, written by Gary Barlow.

Miley Cyrus singing the title song. Enough said!

[B. Brown]

Another generic Bourne-esque plot.
More insufficient Bond girls, with little to no breasts.
James Bond strangling, maiming, or blowing away everyone he meets.
Bond breaks into his superior's flat, again.
Paul Haggis, Bob Wade, Neal Purvis.
David Arnold.

[tdalton]

My nightmare Bond 23 would be a film that resembled the films that came before Casino Royale. I like the direction that they've gone with Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace, so I'd like to see them continue on in that direction. My nightmare Bond 23 would also be in 3D.

[Mr. Somerset]

My nightmare B23 is filmed in or later than 2015 with Taylor Lautner or someone equally young as Bond.

[ChrissBond007]

Title: "YO MAMMA"
James Bond: Vin Diesel
Director: Michael Bay
Bondgirl: Halle Berry
Villain: Vin Diesel (Bond's evil twin)
Allie: Vin Diesel (Bond's good twin)
Car: Lamborghini Murciélago (it can fly)

Plot: As it's a Bay film, things explode, the rest doesn't matter.

That gave me a good laugh.

Even though I think Halle Berry is far from the worst possible Bond girl.

Edited by ChrissBond007, 05 March 2010 - 12:56 AM.

[B. Brown]

My nightmare Bond 23 would be a film that resembled the films that came before Casino Royale. I like the direction that they've gone with Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace, so I'd like to see them continue on in that direction.

There were a couple of Bond films in the 60's worth checking out.

I believe the titles were "Dr. No" and "From Russia With Love". Both included some great direction.

[Bondian]

Title: Licenced to Quantum of Living Buggery Daylights
James Bond: Rolf Harris, Rodd Hull or King Henry VIII
Director: Shakeycam Crapper (jnr)
Bond Girls: QE2, Ethel Merman or some old bird from Calcutta
Gadgets: Electric fire, gas cylinder, metal detector and foot odour-eaters
Car: Robin Reliant, Ford Anglia or a fork lift truck without the fork
MI6 Staff: M (Minge) Gordon Brown, (chief of baller[censored]e) Cecil B Demille and (head of wardrobe)Rab C Nesbett
Title Song: "I wish I was dead" (sung by someone who's obviously dead)
Score By: Obviously not England FC
Written By: Pervert and Wanker
Produced by: Dansact
What's it all about: James Bond is sent to infiltrate EON Productions to find out why the first twenty movies where so successful, and to find out how to make them even more successful by making crap attempts of reboots.

[Guy Haines]

My nightmare Bond 23 would be a film that resembled the films that came before Casino Royale. I like the direction that they've gone with Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace, so I'd like to see them continue on in that direction.

There were a couple of Bond films in the 60's worth checking out.

I believe the titles were "Dr. No" and "From Russia With Love". Both included some great direction.

To which I would also add "Goldfinger", "Thunderball" and "OHMSS". What I liked about CR and QoS - even though like some I have issues about a couple of QoS's action scenes -is that although modern in tone, they actually took me back to my enjoyment of those early Bond films.

[Captain Tightpants]

TITLE: Deathly Dying Wishes of a Dying Unicorn's Deathly Autumn Death Slumber. Death.
JAMES BOND: Robert Pattinson
DIRECTOR: Uwe Boll and Michael Bay
BOND GIRLS: The Olsen Twins, Gabourey Sidibe, Susan Doyle, Eddie Murphy
GADGETS: a pineapple that contains a hidden sword, industrial laser hidden inside a rubber chicken
CAR(S): Lada Niva, Reliant Robin
MI6 STAFF: Ryan Reynolds (Q), Zac Efron (M), Will Ferrell (Tanner), Paris Hilton (Moneypenny)
TITLE SONG: The Jonas Brothers featuring the Black-Eyed Peas
SCORE: Seasick Steve and My Chemical Romance
WRITTEN BY: Dan Brown
REWRITTEN BY: Stephenie Meyer
RE-REWRITTEN BY: Michael Bay
RE-RE-REWITTEN BY: Uwe Boll
UWE BOLL BITCH-SLAPPED BY: Michael Bay
MICHAEL BAY SCRIPT REVIVED BY: Michael Bay
FINAL DRAFT BY: one thousand monkeys sitting at a keybaord for one thousand years (so, really, a Brown-Meyer-Bay-Boll collaboration, then)

PLOT: A villain attempts to flood a pipeline with gravy, using exploding horses to distract everyone's attention while he replaces the world's supply of condoms with car mufflers. James Bond must protect a z-grade celebrity and socialite who has become trapped on the set of a reality television show (think "Survivor" meets "Iron Chef" and "Takeshi's Castle") because she alone can exploit the villain's fear of an army of plastic pink lawn flamingoes.

I win.

James Bond strangling, maiming, or blowing away everyone he meets.

Watch QUANTUM OF SOLACE again. Take note of what happens when Bond kills someone: he always does so in self-defence, and usually because they attack first. The only exception is when he kills Lieutenant Orso (who he does shoot in cold blood) and Elvis (but Bond is not in the same room and he never set the explosions off with the intention of killing him - Elvis is so minor that Bond does not even register his presence).

[O.H.M.S.S.]

JAMES BOND: Robert Pattinson
DIRECTOR: Uwe Boll and Michael Bay

That is awful, haha.

[Captain Tightpants]

JAMES BOND: Robert Pattinson
DIRECTOR: Uwe Boll and Michael Bay

That is awful, haha.

All of itis. The only way you could understand the plot would be if you're on LSD.

[DominicGreene]

TITLE: My name is Bond James Bond: The movie
JAMES BOND: John Candy or Matt Damon
DIRECTOR: Michael Bay, Chris Columbus or Uwe Boll
BOND GIRLS: Paris Hilton, Kim Kardasian
GADGETS: A Halo 3 case that turns into a surfboard while playing Halo

CAR(S): 1899 Horsey Horseless
MI6 STAFF: NVM
TITLE SONG: Ive Got a feeling by the Black eyed peas
SCORE: Danny Elfman
WRITTEN BY: The writers for the young and the restless

Edited by DominicGreene, 12 March 2010 - 12:00 PM.

[Goodnight]

TITLE: Live and Let Tomorrow Die Another Day
JAMES BOND: Aston Kutcher, Seann William Scott, Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler, Michael Winner, Darren Day, Kanye West, David Cameron, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, John Mayer, Spencer Pratt, Silvio Berlesconi, Russell Crowe or any other prick that I don't like.
DIRECTOR: Richard Curtis
BOND GIRLS: Kerry Katona, Girls Aloud, anyone from 'The only way is Essex', Peaches Geldof, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, any one of the Kardashians, Jodie Marsh, Taylor Monson.
GADGETS: Universal TV remote, Jack in the box, glow in the dark underwear, a slinky.
CAR(S): Any of the ty boy racer cars, Ford KA, G- Wiz, any silly little two seater girly convertible (I won't go on forever )
MI6 STAFF: Jeremy Clarkson, Bruce Forsyth.
TITLE SONG: Jedward.
SCORE: Simon Cowell

Edited by Goodnight, 04 January 2011 - 07:15 PM.

[Bryce (003)]

If any of these schemes come to be, I'd appreciate a moment to reflect, a full glass of good scotch and a cigarette followed by a 7.65 round from a PPK in the back of my head. Make it count please. That's all I ask.

[Sebastian Tombs]

Quantum of Solace II: Electric Boogaloo

[SPECTRE ASSASSIN]

I believed my nightmare Bond was released 36 years ago with "The Man with the Golden Gun"

If the producers can somehow convince M. Night Shamalayn to direct, then maybe this can top that.

[Guy Haines]

TITLE: Live and Let Tomorrow Die Another Day
JAMES BOND: Aston Kutcher, Seann William Scott, Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler, Michael Winner, Darren Day, Kanye West, David Cameron, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, John Mayer, Spencer Pratt, Silvio Berlesconi, Russell Crowe or any other prick that I don't like.
DIRECTOR: Richard Curtis
BOND GIRLS: Kerry Katona, Girls Aloud, anyone from 'The only way is Essex', Peaches Geldof, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, any one of the Kardashians, Jodie Marsh, Taylor Monson.
GADGETS: Universal TV remote, Jack in the box, glow in the dark underwear, a slinky.
CAR(S): Any of the ty boy racer cars, Ford KA, G- Wiz, any silly little two seater girly convertible (I won't go on forever )
MI6 STAFF: Jeremy Clarkson, Bruce Forsyth.
TITLE SONG: Jedward.
SCORE: Simon Cowell

Re your extensive list of potential James Bonds, may I add "Mr 20%" himself, George "Gideon" Osborne? Or the entirely agreeable Nick Clegg? As for a title, how about "Tomorrow Is Never Enough"?

[mttvolcano]

HAHAHA, man this thread killed me!!!!

Title: The spy who shot me
James Bond: Taylor Lautner or Rob Pattinson or anyone else like that.
Director: Woody Allen
Producer: Disney
Bond girls: Megan Fox, the olsen twins, Miley Cyrus, Katy perry from.
Gadgets: Blow up slinky, a flying mercury sable (this is funny since I own one that doesn't fly and it sucks), time travel
Villian: Taylor Lautner or Rob pattinson (whoever isn't bond)
Song by Justin Beiber
Score by: Eminem

Edited by mttvolcano, 05 January 2011 - 01:08 AM.

[00Twelve]

TITLE: Die Of The Tiger
JAMES BOND: Bill Paxton
DIRECTOR: Uwe Boll
BOND GIRLS: Snookie, Janice Dickenson
GADGETS: Airbrushed front license plate that rotates among 3 NASCAR racing numbers.
CAR(S): Pontiac Aztec
MI6 STAFF: Russell Brand, M. Night Shyamalan (cameo in M's window reflection).
TITLE SONG: Kanye West.
SCORE: Toby Keith

[pgram]

James Bond in New York: a flavor of love, a flavor of hate

Bond girl: Tiffany Pollard...

[Joey Bond]

"Die After Tomorrow"
Gonna go with the obvious choice of Justin Bieber singing the title song

[Goodnight]

TITLE: Live and Let Tomorrow Die Another Day
JAMES BOND: Aston Kutcher, Seann William Scott, Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler, Michael Winner, Darren Day, Kanye West, David Cameron, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, John Mayer, Spencer Pratt, Silvio Berlesconi, Russell Crowe or any other prick that I don't like.
DIRECTOR: Richard Curtis
BOND GIRLS: Kerry Katona, Girls Aloud, anyone from 'The only way is Essex', Peaches Geldof, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, any one of the Kardashians, Jodie Marsh, Taylor Monson.
GADGETS: Universal TV remote, Jack in the box, glow in the dark underwear, a slinky.
CAR(S): Any of the ty boy racer cars, Ford KA, G- Wiz, any silly little two seater girly convertible (I won't go on forever )
MI6 STAFF: Jeremy Clarkson, Bruce Forsyth.
TITLE SONG: Jedward.
SCORE: Simon Cowell

Re your extensive list of potential James Bonds, may I add "Mr 20%" himself, George "Gideon" Osborne? Or the entirely agreeable Nick Clegg? As for a title, how about "Tomorrow Is Never Enough"?

Oh yes indeed, how could I forget 'The Arful Dodger' himself Mr Osborne, or the other one.


I have to admit that if I were to write a list of all the male celebrities that I hate, and definitely don't want to be Bond, the list would be endless!


'Tomorrow is Never Enough' sounds great but in a kind of awful way, if you get my drift


Thank you Sir.

[dodge]

This just in: Marc Forster will return in the role of consulting director. The script, with Purvis and Wade writing alternate pages, will be certified free of laughs, thrills and entertainment value. Lady Gaga will sing the title song. This film, "a thinking man's Bond", will feature a prolonged central dream sequence that pays double-jointed homage to Fellini and Artaud. Daniel Craig will coast on auto pilot as no Bond before him has coasted.

Aieeeeeeee! Nooooooooo! It's only a nightmare.

Marc Forster will be banned from the set. The script won't bark, no, it will soar on the wings of both eagles and angels. Amy Winehouse will sing the title song. The film will find exquisite balance between the glories of CR and the best Bond films before it. Daniel Craig will fulfill the astonishing promise he showed in CR.

[Captain Tightpants]

TITLE: Inception Dreams Of Death's Dying Dreamers Dying In Death's Dying Dream Domain
JAMES BOND: Sam Worthington (wearing blackface)
DIRECTOR: Steven Spielberg Steven Spielberger (non-union, Mexican); failing that, Stewart Raffill
BOND GIRLS: Ke-dollar-ha, Sarah Palin, Lindsay Lohan
GADGETS: A gun disguised as a mobile phone and a mobile phone disguised as a gun
CAR(S): Cadillac Escalade, Nissan R32 Skyline
MI6 STAFF: None, though an extra changes his name to "Shawn Konnary" at P. Diddy's request
TITLE SONG: "This Is My Dancefloor, And You're Just A Guest On It, Bitch"
SCORE: P. Diddy, Ke-dollar-ha
WRITTEN BY: Joss Whedon P. Diddy
PLOT: Bond has to get close to an international arms dealer, who secretly wants to start a career as an international pop sensation. Bond does this by going undercover as a record producer (by wearing blackface) and riding jet-skis in a tuxedo and gambling on-board a luxury yacht. After sleeping with the international pop dealer (she describes herself as "international" at every opportunity), Bond agrees to produce her debut record using nothing more than drum machines, synthesisers and auto-tune. The album goes on to be universally considered better than Abbey Road, Exile on Main St., London Calling, Highway 61 Revisited, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and The Dark Side of the Moon combined. After lots of international success and international sex, the international pop star writes a protest song against the international arms trade, which makes Imagine look like Lady GaGa (who the international arms sensation holds an unusual international grudge against).

[Guy Haines]

TITLE: Live and Let Tomorrow Die Another Day
JAMES BOND: Aston Kutcher, Seann William Scott, Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler, Michael Winner, Darren Day, Kanye West, David Cameron, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, John Mayer, Spencer Pratt, Silvio Berlesconi, Russell Crowe or any other prick that I don't like.
DIRECTOR: Richard Curtis
BOND GIRLS: Kerry Katona, Girls Aloud, anyone from 'The only way is Essex', Peaches Geldof, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, any one of the Kardashians, Jodie Marsh, Taylor Monson.
GADGETS: Universal TV remote, Jack in the box, glow in the dark underwear, a slinky.
CAR(S): Any of the ty boy racer cars, Ford KA, G- Wiz, any silly little two seater girly convertible (I won't go on forever )
MI6 STAFF: Jeremy Clarkson, Bruce Forsyth.
TITLE SONG: Jedward.
SCORE: Simon Cowell

Re your extensive list of potential James Bonds, may I add "Mr 20%" himself, George "Gideon" Osborne? Or the entirely agreeable Nick Clegg? As for a title, how about "Tomorrow Is Never Enough"?

Oh yes indeed, how could I forget 'The Arful Dodger' himself Mr Osborne, or the other one.


I have to admit that if I were to write a list of all the male celebrities that I hate, and definitely don't want to be Bond, the list would be endless!


'Tomorrow is Never Enough' sounds great but in a kind of awful way, if you get my drift


Thank you Sir.

You are welcome. Something has just occurred to me. The famous line uttered by George Lazenby at the start of OHMSS - "This never happened to the other fella" - seems to aptly sum up Clegg's first few unhappy months in office!