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[Matt O'S oo4]

Meanwhile, back in the cabin.....


M, sipping at a frozen glass of JW pure malt: How are you doing, old man?

B: Not bad at all. Neat trick.

M: What's that?

B: Your airial stunts a few hours ago.

M: Ah. You liked that, did you?

B: Hmmmm. Not half as much as getting the girls to do all the "driving."

M: Not bad, mate! I didn't think you would fingure that one out.

B: I didn't at first until you very bad acting at getting kicked in the groin. I am surpirsed you're wearing a cup. You don't usuall do that, do you?

M: Usually? No. Only when 002 tags along with us. She tends to insite Joyce a bit.

B: You know, they didn't do a half bad job of tieing us up.

M: Half bad still means only half good.....you know...

B: No, really...I do!

M: Anymore of those quail eggs left?

B: A few. Why?

M: Just want to make sure I have a few morsels for the lady....you know....smooth things over...

B, sitting up: You didn't?

M: I damned weel did.

B: Sheesh. You must be in love.

M: Don't rub it in TOO much, ol' man.

B & M: No...REALLY!

B: Uh, huh. I know.....

M: We must be getting close to the airbase.

B, checking his watch: Hmmmm....about a half hour or so. Not sure how fast the, uh, "ladies" have been driving.....

M, turning on cabin monitor. Matt activates the SAT-NAV system: Forty minutes. Not bad. *Looking at Bryce* Not bad at all. That deserves another glass....in your honor of course.

B: Of course! What are we drinking this time?

M: Hmmmm. It looks like....

B & M: SCOTCH.

M, pouring the drink: You know.

B, nodding: No, really.

M: Ice?

B: Uh....lets keep it short this time.

M: Right!

Matt tosses John the entire bottle of JW Pure Malt and pulls out another one from the freezer. Matt opens a near-by drawer and pulls out two items wrapped in plastic. He offers one to Bryce.

M: Silly straw?

B: Why not.

Both men begin to sip at thier favorite food group....

When suddenly...

The doors to the cockpit beging to move and then shake as if stuck.

Matt looks slowly at Bryce: Did you......?

B, wide eyes and filled with mock innocence: ME? What ever could you possilby be insinuating, old friend?

M: Nothing. Perish the though. Cherry?

[Joyce Carrington]

J: (from behind the cockpit door) I heard that.

M: Uh-oh.

J: Cherries are only to be offered to me. You know that.

M&B: Right.

J: Now open this bloody door. We may be in some trouble.

*003 opens the door*

J: Thanks, Johnny. Now listen up. It appears we have a small welcome committee waiting for us.

M&B: *grinning* Girls?

J: Unless men with long beards and AK-47s are in the category 'girls' nowadays.

B: Yes. Yes they are. But they have a special title.

J: And what is that?

B: Sissy-boys.

J: Ah, that's a good one.

*004 and 003 look at each other*

B: Beretta?

M: Walther?

B: Quite.

*they move to the back to get their guns loaded*

[Xenobia]

*Joyce returns to the cockpit*

J: They chose the walthers. Pay up!

X: There's a tenner in my purse. Feel free.

J: Thanks. *opens purse* You want your walther?

X: Sure, I can fire it as I am landing. *rolls eyes* No, I believe you and I shall be generous and provide cover for the boys as they greet our welcoming committee.

J: You mean...

X: The AK-47's are in the closet

J: And we fire them?

X: From the door of course.

J: And they...

X: Get messing.

J: You are a genius.

X: I know.

-- Xenobia

[Matt O'S oo4]

004 and 003 move to the back of the jet and begin "packing."

M: Okie, dokie....One Baretta for you....one Baretta for me....one Walter for you....one Walter for me.....grab you fill of techna throwing knives, stars spears, darts or whatever you prefer.....

B: Ah, smorgasboard, eh?

M: Quite.

B: Grenades?

M: Several....shock, smoke, shrap, flash/bang....this one is my favorite....I call this one a Jello granade.

B: Excuse me?

M: Yes, you heard right....

B: And it does what, exactly.

M: Rahter an innocent sounding name for a small hand held little bomb that melts everthing in about a six to eight foot radius.

B: I'll take three of each.

M: Be careful of the white ones thogh.

B: Phosphorous?

M: Yes, sir. A bit hard on the eyes, those.

B: Right. Never look where I throw it.

Matt looks at John who looks at Matt.

M & B: Indeed.

B: You didn't tel the girls did you?

M: About....

B: The plane.

M: Why, she'll land just like any other lear, perhaps better. After all this IS a company place.

B: That's what I am talking about. Would you land THIS particular jet at a strip loaded with hostiles? What would YOU do?

M: You already know that answer....they wanted to fly and be in charge....let them. They've done alright so far...

B: True enough...however, just guessing by the number of gents waiting to empty a clip into us....what do you think our chances are of leaving the same way we arrived...

M, finishing his sentence for him: ...In one piece? *Matt drives clips into hear handgun, punching his statement up* Above average.

B: Figured you'd say that.

M: Besides, old man. This little innocent Lear is armored like a tank and loaded like one as well. Alfer all, when is the last time you went out for a little "target practice?"

B, a grim smile crossing his face: Never too much proactice.

M: Right. ready?

B, pointing to 004's boombox: You actually brought that thing?

M: I never go anywhere overseas without it. I've had it upgraded a bit. Tell you all about it - sometime.

B: Ready. You?

M: Lets punch the clock

[Xenobia]

*over the speaker system*

X: Strap yourselves in boys. I am going to try and give the gang a buzz cut before we land.

*The boys strap in*

J: That is inspired. A buzz cut?

X: Sure. If you press this button *Xen presses* instead of wheels coming out, a set of horizontal saws come out. It's handy if you need to land in a forrest and make a runway for yourself.

J: Why not just look for a clear patch.

X: Because sometimes there isn't one.

J: And sometimes Xenobia would prefer not to land where she might step in cow --

X: Don't say it.

J: Because it's true.

X: No, because the producers would like us to get a PG-13 rating, and if we start swearing, we go straight to R.

J: Oh....

X: Ready for your auditon at Vidal Sasson?

J: Snip away!

-- Xenobia

[Matt O'S oo4]

Matt looks at John.

Hmmm. I just usually use the .60 machine guns and staif the ground forces prior to attmepting to land. Q must be hitting the sauce again. Cicular say blades instead of loanding gerar?

B: More scotch?

M: Thought you'd never ask.

B: It's been almost fifteen minutes.

M: Oh, God! The humanity!!! POUR! POUR!!

B: Finished yet?

M: We've just gotten started.

B: That's true.

*They raise their glasses together*

M: Cheers

[Joyce Carrington]

As Xenobia activates the buzzsaw and takes the plane into a dive, Joyce bites her lip nervously.

J: Hey, Xen...?

X: Yes?

J: Since we are going for the PG-13 rating... do you think it would be terribly wise to uh... possibly decapitate and/or mutilate our enemies with buzzsaws? Um... there'll be a lot of blood involved.

*quickly adds her fiancee's line, smiling nervously*

J: You know...

[Xenobia]

X: You assume they will see us. The audience will be listening to our playful banter, and watching the apes get drunk.

J: My fiancee is not an ape!

X: You are absolutely right. He is an Orangtange!

J: Xenobia!

X: Joy....uh-oh!

J: What?

X: It looks like this base is under new ownership. *points to the flag* Instead of mints, I think we are going to get catnip on our pillow. Go tell the boys. I'll loop around and see how bad it is.

J: Right.

-- Xenobia

[Joyce Carrington]

009 walks into the cabin, where 003 and 004 are just lining up a few empty Scotch bottles.

B: Ten quid?

M: Twenty.

*they look at each other*

B & M: Fifty.

*003 aims his Walther at the first bottle, but 009 stops him*

J: This is no time for games!

M: Or is it...?

J: Have you two been drinking?

*003 and 004 look at the empty Scotch bottles*

*009 rolls her eyes*

J: Try to be less like me, please. We have a situation. Blofeld's cat has taken over the base below. I'm getting Pepe so he can drop the four of us off.

*009 walks over to the loo, but the door is locked*

J: Pepe! Come out of there!

*chimp noises from behind the door*

In subtitles: Forget it, you silly human being!

J: Pepe, don't make me come in....

B: Excuse me, luv, but let us take care of this.

*003 and 004 nod at each other*

M (in loud drunk voice): So John... have you seen my rifle?

B: You mean the one you used to hunt gorilla's with?

*the bathroom door opens and Pepe steps out*

J (smiling at 003 and 004): Thanks.

B & M: Our pleasure.

J: Get ready.

*009 takes Pepe back to the cockpit*

X: Ah, Joyce, Matt... come up with a plan yet?

*009 slaps 002 in the face*

X: Correction: Joyce, PEPE...

*009 scowls at her*

J: Pepe is taking over so we can parachute out of the plane.

X: Right.

*they leave the cockpit together*

[Xenobia]

X: I was thinking about using Pepe you know?

J: As a sex toy?

X: JOYCE! The movie rating!

*Enter the director, Steven Speilberg*

S: Xen's right. CUT. Places....take two!

X: You know I was thinking of using Pepe.

J: *ponders her next words very carefully* How?

X: By having him come out of the plane first. I figured that would shock the troops and give us an edge.

J: Until they shoot him dead, and the animal rights people sue us.

X: Ergo why I was thinking of plan B when you walked in.

*Addressing the boys*

X: Which one of you two taught Pepe how to land?

B&M: To land?

J: Oh dear....

[Joyce Carrington]

J: Right. Honey, you get into that cockpit and teach Pepe how to land.

M: But...

J: You've got two minutes. Go!

*004 runs off, but comes back*

M: (to 003) She is NOT the boss of me.

B: Whatever.

*004 enters the cockpit*

X: Then we had best get our parachutes ready.

[Xenobia]

B: Sure...and while you are at it, why don't you just put a target on your chest and make it really easy for them!

X: Oh yeah...

B: Oh yeah. *turns to Joyce* And she thinks I am an idiot?

X: I never said that you were an idiot. Just a drunken ape.

B: Oh right. *beat* Carry on.

X: My plan is, whoever we didn't take out with a buzz cut, we take out with the guns, as soon as we hit 100 feet.

J: And we shoot them how?

X: Through the windows, of course.

J: Of course.

-- Xenobia

[Matt O'S oo4]

Cen...NO!!

Now stop that.

You are REALLY stating to sober me up.

This is a pressurized cabin the windows are not now nor are they ever going to open.

*Matt trudges toward the cockpit.*

*Looking back* Ladies and my good sir, who I believe already KNOW that you are flying in a COMPANY jst.

B: No......REALLY?

M: YOU KNOW!

B: Right.

M: Which means we have guns.....

B: As part of the jets standard equipment...

M: Quite right (Looks at Bryce and nods)

B: Ah, yes, more fun...

M: With a straifing run!

*They both go to the cockpit together.*

004

[Xenobia]

J: Guns on the plane. *beat* They can shoot people down.

*Xenobia hangs her head*

J: Did someone forget to read the manual.

X: I read it...parts of it...but you do realize if they shoot the monkeys, the ratings are out the window.

J: I always wanted to be an R....

X: Tell that to John Cleese.

*Gunshots are heard from below deck*

X: Show time gang!

-- Xenobia

[Matt O'S oo4]

Okaay Bonzo.

You've done okay up to this point....now I'm afraid tis my responsibility.

John...*motions to co-pilots seat*....let's play!

004

[Genrewriter]

*008 wakes up in his office, rumpled and disheveled looking. He looks up to see M in the doorway.*

M: Another hangover, 008?

008: I hope so, if I was drugged for a period of several months thean I should probably retire. Where are the others?

M: Not sure. Get yourself cleaned up and report to Shrublands at once.

*008 groans as he stands and straightens his tie.*

008: The things I do for England.

*008 takes out his cell phone and dials quickly.*

008: Hello, Q? You wouldn't happen to know where I've been the last few months would you?....Ask 006? Well, alright.

*008 goes to 006's office only to find him sleeping with one arm stretched out, holding a shaving cream pie that is red with tabasco.*

008: Bryce. Well, I suppose it's wqorth it for the laughs.

*008 leaves, making sure to slam the door shut as hard as humanly possible. A scream is heard from within.*

006: WANKERS! AHHH, MY EYES!

*008 smiles and heads for the carport.*

[Matt O'S oo4]

003 and 004 take their positions in the pilots seats only to hear a wet squihy should from the floor.

Both look down.

Both look at each other.

003: Though you said he was hourse borken.

004: Thought he wqs....or....

003: The little bastard did it on purpose.

004: Uh, huh. Could be. No, really.

003: He's paying for these handstiitched Itilian loafers.

004: Never wear your good shoes on a mission....

003: Blah, blah, blah.

[Xenobia]

009: Do you think those boys will ever figure out it is Hershey's chocolate?

002: Nope.

009: You ever going to tell them?

002: Nope.

009: You are evil.

002: Yep.

*sounds of gunfire from outside the plane*

002: Oh joy...company's here!

-- Xen

[Joyce Carrington]

J: Okay... so how about this? I get out there and climb on the wing of the plane, armed with my gun to shoot some of those wankers down.

*002 frowns*

X: Joyce... are you sure you've had enough Scotch?

[TheREAL008]

Welcome 004. We've all heard a little about your exploits. Keep 003 out of trouble will you. We don't want 008 to have to be called in from Micronesia or wherever in the hell he is these days.

For all of you martini drinkers out there, keep the vermouth away from my Stoli. Just the whisper of the word vermouth is enough for me. I prefer a very dry martini with a twist, shaken until a layer of frost forms on the outside of the shaker.

I raise my glass to you 004.

Seattle. I'm in Seattle for the moment.

[Bryce (003)]

TO THIS VERY DAY....

STRANGEST, MOST RAMBLING CBn THREAD....


EVER.

I blame Pepe.

[Genrewriter]

Can't find it in myself to disagree there, my friend.

[Joyce Carrington]

TO THIS VERY DAY....

STRANGEST, MOST RAMBLING CBn THREAD....


EVER.

I blame Pepe.

Poor Pepe.