[quote name='kneelbeforezod' post='843496' date='27 February 2008 - 00:53']this thread is ridiculous[/quote]
I agree. I think it's time for the 'Man turns into a Scotsman' sketch.

[quote]Newsvendor's Voice: Read all about it! Read all about it! Man turns into Scotsman!
(Mix through to Potter's front gate. His with is being interviewed by obvious plainclothes man.)
Inspector: Mrs Potter - you knew Harold Potter quite well I believe?
Wife: Oh yes quite well.
Inspector: Yes.
Wife: He was my husband.
Inspector: Yes. And, er, he never showed any inclination towards being a Scotsman before this happened?
Wife: (shocked) No, no, not at all. He was not that sort of person...
Inspector: He didn't wear a kilt or play the bagpipes?
Wife: No, no.
Inspector: He never got drunk at night or bought home black puddings?
Wife: No, no. Not at all.
Inspector: He didn't have an inadequate brain capacity?
Wife: No, no, not at all.
Inspector: I see. So by your account Harold Potter was a perfectly ordinary Englishman without any tendency towards being a Scotsman whatsoever?
Wife: Absolutely, yes. (suddenly remembering) Mind you he did always watch Dr Finlay on television.
Inspector: Ah-hah! ... Well that's it, you see. That's how it starts.
Wife: I beg your pardon?
Inspector: Well you see Scottishness staffs with little things like that, and works up. You see, people don't just turn into a Scotsman for no reason at all... (goes rigid with Scots accent.) No further questions!
(The words are hardly out of his mouth when he turns into a Scotsman and spins round and disappears up road in fast motion. Pan with him. Cut to bus queue: man in a city suit and bowler hat suddenly changes into a Scotsman with beard, twizzles round and speeds out of shot. Cut to street.' policeman pointing way for woman with a pram. Suddenly he changes into a Scotsman and scuffles out of shot. She looks aghast for a moment and then she too changes into a Scotsman and hurtles off after him. The baby suddenly develops a beard and the pram follows her. Single shot of black jazz musician in cellar blowing a blue sax solo. He changes and whizzes off. Squad of soldiers being drilled. Suddenly they all change into bearded Scotsmen and race off in unison. Pan with them past sign: 'Welsh Guard'.)
(Quick animated shot of flying saucer disappearing over city skyline. Cut to big close-up of passionate kiss. It goes on for some moments. Foggy lens... romantic music. Keep on big close-up as they talk. She is none too intelligent.)
She: Charles...
Charles: Darling...
She: Charles...
Charles: Darling, darling...
She: Charles... there's something I've got to tell you...
Charles: What is it darling?
She: It's daddy ... he's turned into a Scotsman...
Charles: What! Mr Llewellyn?
She: Yes, Charles. Help me, please help me.
Charles: But what can I do?
She: Surely, Charles, you're the Chief Scientist at the Anthropological Research Institute, at Butley Down - an expert in what makes people change from one nationality to another.
Charles: So I am! (pull out to reveal they are in a laboratory; he is in a white coat, she is in something absurdly sexy) This is fight up my street!
She: Oh good.
Charles: Now first of all, why would anyone turn into a Scotsman?
She: (tentatively) Em, for business reasons?
Charles: No, no! Only because he has no control over his own destiny! Look I'll show you...
(He presses a button on a control board and a laboratory TV screen lights on with the words 'only because they have no control over their own destinies '.)
She: I see.
Charles: Yes! So this means that some person or persons unknown is turning all these people into Scotsmen...
She: Oh, what kind of heartless fiend could do that to a man?
Charles: I don't know ... I don't know ... all I know is that these people are streaming north of the border at the rate of thousands every hour. If we don't act fast, Scotland will be choked with Scotsmen...
She: Ooh!...
(Zoom in on her face. Cut to as many bearded Scotsmen as possible, hurtling through wood in fast motion. Follow than, ending up with skyline shot as per 'Seventh Seal'. They all still have the arm outstretched in front of them and as always they are accompanied by bagpipe music. Shot of border with large notice: 'Scotland Welcomes You'.)
American Voice: Soon Scotland was full of Scotsmen. The over-crowding was pitiful.
(They all dash across harder and then stop abruptly once they're ever. They stand around looking lost.)
American Voice: Three men to a caber.
(Cut to three Scotsmen tossing one caber. Cut to Scots wife in bed with bearded husband. Pull back to reveal five other Scotsmen in the bed. Short but brilliant piece of animation from T. Gilliam to show England emptying of people and Scotland filling up, ending with a till sound and a till sign coming up out of England reading: 'Empty'. Track into England. Film of a deserted street. Wind, a dog sniffing, newspaper blowing along street. Close-up sign on shop doom 'Gone to lunch' ( lunch is actually crossed out) Scotland'. Close-up another sign on a shop door.' 'McClosed'. Shop sign: McWoolworths & Co '.)
American Voice: For the few who remained, life was increasingly difficult.
(Man suddenly folds up newspaper and runs round comer. Re-emerges driving bus. Drives it halfway to stop and then leaps out with bus still moving. Runs to stop, and puts out hand. Bus stops. He leaps on, rings bell, runs round to front and drives the bus off again. As bus drives out of. flame we just see a couple of Scotsmen flashing past camera with arms outstretched. Pan slowly round empty football stadium. Eventually we pick up a solitary spectator, halfway up and halfway along in stand opposite where the players come out. He suddenly leaps to his feet cheering. Cut to players' tunnel and one player emerging and a referee with ball. They kick off. Player goes straight down field and scores.
Spectator disappointed.
A quick shot of flying saucer again.
Studio. the laboratory again. Charles is looking through microscope, when the door flies open and she bursts in.)
She: Charles! Thank goodness I've found you! It's mummy!
Charles: Hello mummy.
She: No, no, mummy's turned into a Scotsman...
Charles: Oh how horrible... Will they stop at nothing?
She: I don't know - do you think they will?
Charles: I meant that rhetorically.
She: What does rhetorically mean?
Charles: It means, I didn't expect an answer.
She: Oh I see. Oh, you're so clever, Charles.
Charles: Did mummy say anything as she changed?
She: (with an air of tremendous revelation) Yes! she did, now you come to mention it
(A long pause as he waits expectantly.)
Charles: Well, what was it?
She: Oh, she said ... 'Them!' (thrilling chord of jangling music and quick zoom into her face) Is there someone at the door?
Charles: No ... It's just the incidental music for this scene.
She: Oh I see...
Charles: 'Them' ... Wait a minute!
She: A whole minute?
Charles: No, I meant that metaphorically ... 'Them' ... 'Them' ... She was obviously referring to the people who turned her into a Scotsman. If only we knew who 'They' were ... And why 'They' were doing it... Who are 'Them'?
(Crashing chord... cut to a small still of a Scottish crofier's cottage on a lonely moor. Slow zoom in on the cottage.)
American Voice: Then suddenly a clue turned up in Scotland. Mr Angus Podgorny, owner of a Dunbar menswear shop, received an order for 48,000,000 'kilts from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda.
(Mix to interior of highland mens wear shop. An elderly Scottish couple are poring over a letter which they have on the counter. Oil lamps etc.)
Mrs Podgorny: Angus how are y'going to get 48,000,000 kilts into the van?
Angus: I'll have t'do it in two goes.
Mrs Podgorny: D'you not ken that the Galaxy of Andromeda is two million, two hundred thousand light years away?
Angus: Is that so?
Mrs Podgorny: Aye ... and you've never been further than Berwick-on-Tweed...
Angus: Aye ... but think o' the money dear ...