37 replies to this topic

[Judo chop]

Here are some of my suggestions for improving bad P.U.N.S. (Punishable Utterances of Non-Sense) of the Bond films. To start it off I

[zencat]

You fix them by cutting them out. They are the worst. I take it P&W have never heard the expression: "Use a pun, go to jail."

[Judo chop]

You fix them by cutting them out. They are the worst. I take it P&W have never heard the expression: "Use a pun, go to jail."

Well Zencat, as you can see from my above

[Bondfiend]

These are awesome, Judo Chop.

I'll try to come up with a few of my own soon.

[zencat]

You fix them by cutting them out. They are the worst. I take it P&W have never heard the expression: "Use a pun, go to jail."

Well Zencat, as you can see from my above ‘suggestions’, I wasn’t really intent on fixing any of them. Just having a bit o’ fun with.

Oh, I know. It's a fun idea for a thread.

I just hate puns in films...and DAD...it amazes me how these made it all the way to the screen.

[dodge]

MP: "Why, James you are a cunning linguist."
JB: "Oh, for Christ's sake, Moneypenny. That hoary old chestnut again?"
MP: "What's the matter, James--afraid of a little mouth to south?" (Winks/tee-hees.)
JB: "You do know what Freud said of those who wax cute about sex?"
MP: "You can wax any part of me you please, I'm not a-freud.You can psycho my anal-ysis any old time." (Winks/tee-hees.)
JB: "I'm a icon, a legend who's gone strong for half a century--"
MP: "Not in me, you haven't." (Winks/tee-hees.)

Bond screams "Stop!" and goes mad, babbling in tongues. In the midst of all the gibberish, two words are repeated again and again:

"Call Haggis!"

[Judo chop]

Beautiful.

[ACE]

MP: "What's the matter, James--afraid of a little mouth to south?"

LOL!

[Judo chop]

Moneypenny:

[erniecureo]

If Roger Moore had done Goldfinger:

Bond, staring at Oddjob's still-sizzling corpse:
"You know old boy, I sense a certain electricity between us."

If Pierce Brosnan had done From Russia With Love:

Tatiana, staring at Rosa Klebb's corpse:
"Horrible woman."
Bond:
"I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

If Timothy Dalton had done Thunderball:

Largo: "You know something about guns, Mr. Bond?"
Bond (unsmiling): "Yes."

Hey, what can I say--I don't think anyone did it better than Connery....

[Tiin007]

[quote name='Judo chop' post='736348' date='8 May 2007 - 13:59']Here are some of my suggestions for improving bad P.U.N.S. (Punishable Utterances of Non-Sense) of the Bond films. To start it off I

[Judo chop]

Do you watch the show House M.D.? Your sarcasm sounds just like House's.

Crap. My cover is blown. It

[plankattack]

If Roger Moore had done Goldfinger:

Bond, staring at Oddjob's still-sizzling corpse:
"You know old boy, I sense a certain electricity between us."

"If my eyes don't decieve me, this is my Penfold hearts. But it looks like you've got your balls confused, Goldinger."

Edited by plankattack, 09 May 2007 - 05:37 PM.

[00Twelve]

If Dalton had done DAF:

(Bond shoots Blofeld double, real Blofeld pulls gun.)
Blofeld: Right idea, Mr. Bond.
Bond: F.

or Goldfinger:

(Kills capungo in bathtub, girl stirs.)

Bond: B.

If Moore had done LTK:

(Finds Della in bedroom, dead. Closes eyes for her.)

Bond: No more problems.

Brosnan, same scene:

(Finds Della in bedroom, dead. Leans down, kisses her full on the mouth.)

(No line, that's it.)

[Stephenson]

Craig in DAF:

"My name's Plenty O'Toole."

Craig: "Your husband's last name, I hope."

[Bryce (003)]

"Use a pun, go to jail."

It's true you know. 004 & I are still on probation.

We had to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

We've also had to pay for Joyce's physical therapy because she strained her middle fingers for as many times as she's presented either one to us and her eye strain from rolling them on other countless occasions.

[Tiin007]

[quote name='Judo chop' post='736719' date='9 May 2007 - 11:19'][quote name='Tiin007' post='736525' date='8 May 2007 - 21:08']Do you watch the show House M.D.? Your sarcasm sounds just like House's.[/quote]

Crap. My cover is blown. It

[Double-Oh-Zero]

If, God help us, Moore "did" DAD:

Jinx: Wow. Now that's a mouthful.
Bond [raises eyebrow]: You have no idea.

Jinx: Looks like we're goin' down together.
Bond [raises eyebrow]: Really? Well, best not to go off half-cocked.

Frost: I take it Mr. Bond's been explaining his Big Bang theory.
Bond [raises eyebrow]: Yes. Orally.

[Bondian]

Here's some alternative lines (by the same actors) that are probably worse.

Sean

Red Grant "...not till you crawl over here and you kiss my foot"
Bond "Sorry "old man". My training was in special intelligence and not in some kinky chiropody"

Pussy Galor "My Name is Pussy Galor"
Bond "Didn't think Octopussy was due out till 1983, luv".

Tiffany Case "Hey. You've just killed James Bond"
Bond "True. But never say never again, eh"

Bond "Do you expect me to talk?"
Goldfinger "No, Mr Bond. I expect your nuts to get toasted"

Roger

Mr Big "Did you mess with that?"
Bond "I took away her cards so she could Seymour"

Nick Nack "Kill him, and all of this will be mine"
Bond "I've heard you've been a little bit short lately"

Anya "Did you kill him"
Bond "When one is being dragged along by a truck filming me at 35mph, one doesn't always get time to be able to read the script. But. As I have now seen the film numerous times, I can confirm that I did kill him. Well, not me, but the character that I'm playing"

Draz "You missed, Mr Bond"
Bond "Did I. If I had my 'Walther PPK' (Perfect Pigeon Killer) I would have missed the wanker in the tree"

Lisl "Me nighies' slipping"
Bond (Looking at breast) "You're a right one. Pierce is going to hate me for this"

Khan "You have a nasty habit of staying alive"
Bond "Well. Your cooking stinks. But, maybe I should have had some of that "stuffed sheep's head". It would have seen me through the week"

Flex "Hi. I'm Jenny Flex"
Bond "You must be stiff competition on the saddle"

[DavidSomerset]

Timothy Dalton as Bond in:

TSWLM
Major Anya Amasova: When necessary, shared bodily warmth.
James Bond: OK.

James Bond: Where's Fekkesh?
Sandor: Pyramids!
[he falls to his death]
James Bond: (kicking him in the balls so that he falls) Compliments of King Tut!

M: 007!
General Anatol Gogol: Triple X!
Sir Frederick Gray,: Bond! What do you think you're doing?
James Bond(angrily): Why don't you wait until you're asked?


George Lazenby as Bond in AVTAK:
Max Zorin: [laughs] Ha ha, you amuse me, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: [to the camera] This never happened to the other fellow.

Restaurant guest: Qu'est-ce qu'il y a, monsieur?
James Bond: Just a slight stiffness coming on...

Q: 007 alive.
M: Where is he? What's he doing?
Q: Just cleaning up a few details.
Stacey Sutton: Where's Roger?

Pierce Brosnan in Casino Royale:
Mr. White: Hello?
James Bond: Mr. White? We need to talk.
Mr. White: Who is this?
James Bond: Ah, Mr. White. Is Mr. Black your bruther?

Vesper Lynd: Am I going to have a problem with you, Mr. Bond?
James Bond: No, don't worry, you're not my type.
Vesper Lynd: Smart?
James Bond: No, I am a master debator.

Vesper Lynd: I'll keep my eyes on our government's money and off your perfectly formed .
James Bond: Well, someone is going to have your after this is done.

Vesper Lynd: I can't resist waking you. Every time I do you look at me as if you hadn't seen me in years. Makes me feel reborn.
James Bond: I am good, aint I?

Vesper Lynd: How was your lamb?
James Bond: Oh my bleating heart...

Vesper Lynd: If the only thing left of you was your smile and your little finger, you'd still be more of a man than anyone I've ever known.
James Bond: I am a cunning linguist, aint I?

Vesper Lynd: You won't let me back in there. You've got your armor back on. That's that
James Bond: (undressing Vesper) Well let

[Judo chop]

Inspired by the “Did he say that?” thread in which the dangerous game scene of Octopussy was mostly and justly berated. I feel the problem is that they didn

[Mamadou]

[quote name='Judo chop' post='744289' date='4 June 2007 - 13:54']to the spider:

[Judo chop]

[quote name='Mamadou' post='744341' date='4 June 2007 - 15:41'][quote name='Judo chop' post='744289' date='4 June 2007 - 13:54']to the spider:

[Mamadou]

[quote name='Judo chop' post='744345' date='4 June 2007 - 15:54'][quote name='Mamadou' post='744341' date='4 June 2007 - 15:41'][quote name='Judo chop' post='744289' date='4 June 2007 - 13:54']to the spider:

[Judo chop]

Well, I'm living in Chicago, but maybe the humidity hasn't gotten to me. Or maybe it has: I should be studying for my college finals, but instead I'm here because I can't face a few hours of reading my cosmology notes. In any case, I sympathize.

Try posting a Bond PUN of your own, it'll make you feel better and is thought to have a dehumidifying effect on the cells of the brain. (Ok, maybe not, but it might make me feel better - one more post to help sustain my lowly thread.)

Good luck on your finals - study hard - but try to get out on Wednesday. It's going to be a beee-a-utiful day in Chicagoland!

[ACE]

If Timothy Dalton had done Thunderball:

Largo: "You know something about guns, Mr. Bond?"
Bond (unsmiling): "Yes."

Let's go further. Insert a pun in a scene where, thankfully, there is no joke. Let's really undo the moment.

On Tracy's Death:

Bond (to Policeman): "I wasn't too keen on the dress either but this is a tad extreme."

Bond (to himself): "We have all the time in the world. If you're a fruitfly."


To Anya (on explaining Sergei's death): "Yes, Anya, it was either him or me. And as I had a rather nice Dom Perignon '69 on ice, it certainly wasn't going to be me."


To Dr Goodhead (upon being extracted from the centrifuge trainer): "Now I know what my martini feels like."


To Max Zorin: "Killing Tibbett was a mistake. He should have steed in London where he belonged."


On Saunders death: "Sorry to burst your balloon, Saunders."

Kara (after Saunder's death): "Vere iz zat man?"
Bond: "He's just popped off."


Bond: "Call an ambulance. Better make that two."*



^{*this actually was the line in an earlier rough cut. Thankfully they, er, cut it.}


Well, none of these (with the exception of the Steed line) are really puns, are they?

Maybe PUNS are more difficult to come up with.

And what about those in-joke, irony lines.
See thread here http://debrief.comma...p...=28022&st=0

[Judo chop]

Well, none of these (with the exception of the Steed line) are really puns, are they?

Maybe PUNS are more difficult to come up with.

You're quite right ACE. My original intent was to replace the bad Bond PUN with something - anything - else. The thread really has evolved into being about the general retort. (If I knew how to change a thread title midstream, I'd do so.)

Now, to correct my pun from earlier

[ACE]

May Day: "For what he's done to Pan Ho and Jenny Flex, I'll make him apologize."
Bond: "Ah, but Zorin seems to be the hardest word..."


Natalya: "Where's Alec gone? He hasn't packed any luggage."
Bond: "He must be Trevelyan light..."

[00Twelve]

Rog in CR:

Le Chiffre: You changed your shirt, Mr. Bond. I hope our little game isn't causing you to perspire.

Bond: Yes, I was feeling a bit unsure about the night in general.
_________

Rog in GF:

Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore.

Bond: Hm. A pilot. I'd have thought you to be employed in the fur trade.

[ACE]

Rog in CR:

Le Chiffre: You changed your shirt, Mr. Bond. I hope our little game isn't causing you to perspire.

Bond: Yes, I was feeling a bit unsure about the night in general.

Oh, good one, 00Twelve. Took me a minute.