49 replies to this topic

[Mr. Blofeld]

Hey, folks; gather round, gather round! Let's restart this thread!

Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella

Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella!
Bring a torch, to Bethlehem come!
Christ is born.

What? You want to burn an infant?!

Tell the folk of the village
Mary has laid him in a manger.

Why? Is that of any particular importance? Also, how the hell do you know the name of a recently-pregnant woman who just came to rest in the stables for the night?

Ah! Ah! beautiful is the Mother!
Ah! Ah! beautiful is her child!

Oh, dear God, are you masturbating over these people? Jesu Maria!

It is wrong when the Baby is sleeping,

What?!

It is wrong to speak so loud.

Oh.

Silence, now as you gather around,
Lest your noise should waken Jesus.

Why? Don't tell me you're going to kidnap the baby.

Hush! Hush! see how the Baby slumbers;
Hush! Hush! see how the Baby sleeps!
Softly now unto the stable,
Softly for a moment come!
Look and see how charming is Jesus,

Hmmmm, yes; how charming is Jesus. You know what, how the hell do you know his name, you creepy perv?

Look at him there, His cheeks are rosy!

You've lifted the blanket, haven't you?

Hush! Hush! see how the Child is sleeping;
Hush! Hush! see how he smiles in dreams!

Meanwhile, I'm sure Joseph is standing over you all with a spade.

The moral of the story: Get the pervs our of your village before there's a mass immigration.

[Bondian]

I was going to wait another week before adding anymore, my friend. Some may find it a bit early yet.

Good one, by the way.

[Mr. Blofeld]

A bit too early? My bad.

[Bondian]

A bit too early? My bad.

Not for me.

[Mr. Blofeld]

A bit too early? My bad.

Not for me.

Well, why don't you give it a try, then?

[agentjamesbond007]

Interesting, I never thought exactly what the meanings of the Christmas Carols were.

[Bondian]

White Christmas.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know

Shouldn't that be "the ones I used to have"? If you used to know them, you obviously hadn't experienced them.

Where the treetops glisten,

Please tell. Do you live in a helicoptor or something else that's higher than the trees?

and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

In the snow? It's frozen water isn't it?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

You've said "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" again. Do you work for Quantum? Maybe you're sending all Quantum members a Christmas card?

How can our "days be merry and bright" when you are dreaming that we'll have so much snow we'll be snowed-in and couldn't go outside anyway.

Moral of this Christmas song is the leader of 'Quantum' is Bling Crosby.

[Bondian]

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree!
How are thy leaves so verdant!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
How are thy leaves so verdant!

They certainly are. They bugger up the vacuum cleaner each year.

Not only in the summertime,
But even in winter is thy prime.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
How are thy leaves so verdant!

Why then do we only have them at Christmas if they do as well in the summer?

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Much pleasure doth thou bring me!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Much pleasure doth thou bring me!

Pleasure? Does a Christmas tree talk, or tell a few jokes? Does it cook the Christmas dinner and wash-up all the plates etc? No. It just sits there in the corner and dies on you. What's worse. We spend hours unscrambling the lights, spend thirty minutes or so placing them carefully around the tree, then they don't work. Funny how they worked last year - and that tree also had a smug smile on it's face.

For every year the Christmas tree,
Brings to us all both joy and glee.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Much pleasure doth thou bring me!

Joy and glee. Are you a relation to this tree, or do you find it sexually attractive? Maybe you're the fairly on the top who's impelled each year.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Thy candles shine out brightly!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Thy candles shine out brightly!

Candles on a Christmas tree? Are you nuts?

Each bough doth hold its tiny light,
That makes each toy to sparkle bright.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Thy candles shine out brightly!

Here we go again. What has someone's bowels got to do with Christmas, save for the excess of food and drink? Are you saying the sun shines out of your butt?

Moral of this one is, when buying a Christmas tree be careful when placing the fairy as she likes the sun to shine out of her butt.

[Bondian]

The First Noel

The first Noel the angels did say
Was to certain poor shepherds
in fields as they lay,
In fields where they lay
keeping their sheep
On a cold winter's night
that was so deep.
Noel Noel Noel Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!

So one day, in a field, these angels came down and informed these poor shepherds about some unfamiliar chap who was the first person to be named "Noel". Why couldn't they have waited a few years and chatted about someone they may have know, say Noel Coward.

"in fields as they lay". Are these poor shepherds in fact chickens? I take it as they are as chickens "lay" eggs. So what were they doing "keeping their sheep" in a deep hole?

"Noel Noel Noel Noel". Ah. So now we know there's four sheep all named "noel". Surely one or two could have a different name. Like "John", "Matthew", "Mark" or "Butterhook"?

They looked up and saw a star
Shining in the East beyond them far,
And to the earth it gave great light,
And so it continued both day and night.
Noel Noel Noel Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!

Let's get this right. The angels, chickens and the sheep all named "noel" all looked up in unison to this bright star in the east? "beyond them far", but then you go on "And to the earth it gave great light, And so it continued both day and night". How can this be when the stars we see now are not actually there, also stars are giant nuclear reactors. Can we see stars in daylight?

And by the light of that same star
Three wise men came from country far,
To seek for a King was their intent
And to follow the star
wherever it went.
Noel Noel Noel Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!

So these three wise men walked hundreds and hundreds of miles spotlighted by this star that wasn't even there? They wanted to find a king out of a combination of angels, chickens and sheep (all named "Noel" who're stuck in a deep hole) and carried on following the star. Wonder if they found their king, or maybe they just gave some recommended alternative names for the four sheep with the same name.

Maybe all will be revealed in the next verse.

This star drew nigh to the northwest
Over Bethlehem it took its rest,
And there it did both stop and stay
Right over the place where Jesus lay.
Noel Noel Noel Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!

So the star suddenly changed it course from east to northwest. These poor wise men seem a little unwise. If they had any sense, they could have had a load of shepherds eggs, and made a pot of tea heated by the star. Instead they walk around aimlessly (probably in a soft shoe because "Nike" hadn't been invented just yet).

So are we saying that the star anchored just above Bethlehem and said "Noel Noel Noel Noel" over this chap named "Jesus" who was also a chicken? How the hell did the star hear what the shepherds chickens had named the sheep who're in a deep hole? Couldn't the angels helped a little by telling the star (if it can talk it should be able to hear) that some other suggested names were in the hat? Would this chicken named "Jesus" be interested in the names of these sheep who're stuck in this hole manned by a load of shepherd chickens?

Then did they know assuredly
Within that house the King did lie:
One entered in then for to see,
And found the Babe in poverty:
Noel Noel Noel Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!

Are we referring to the angels, the shepherd chickens or the in the hole sheep here? If I'm not mistaken, wasn't it the three wise mens mission to find a king? So how could a king lie when they're trying to find one? Maybe they were just Estate Agent Surveyors looking to make a profit by buying land so they could build their "Nike" empire.

"One entered in then for to see, And found the Babe in poverty:" Are we talking about the sheep in the hole, or are we talking about the chicken named "Jesus"?

Then entered in those wise men three
Full reverently upon their knee,
And offered there in His presence
Their gold, and myrrh and frankincense.
Noel Noel Noel Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!

Ah. So the three unwise men who have walked hundreds and hundreds of miles without finding a king or a way to build their trainer/sneaker empire, suddenly (certainly makes "I'm a celebrity get me outta here" pale in comparison) tired and shagged fall to their knees and offer three totally useless presents. Where did they get this? Did they meet another peculiar group of weirdo's with angels, gold merchants and dry tree sap dealers?

Please note the four sheep still have the name "Noel".

Then let us all with one accord
Sing praises to our heavenly Lord,
That hath made heaven
and earth of naught
And with His blood
mankind hath bought.
Noel Noel Noel Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!

Hold on. Is this "Jack Lord"? If we assume we're talking about this chicken named "Jesus" has made a heaven and with his blood he has purchased mankind? Seems rather stringent, considering that it all started off with angels informing these shepherd's about this chap who was the first person to be named "Noel".

Moral of this one is, if you see a bright star in the sky that moves from the east to northwest with three men in Nike trainers/sneakers, please leave them alone as they're probably mentally challenged.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Ian, I did White Christmas last year! Let's not repeat ourselves...

[Bondian]

Ian, I did White Christmas last year! Let's not repeat ourselves...

Don't worry, my friend. This ones the re-boot.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Ian, I did White Christmas last year! Let's not repeat ourselves...

Don't worry, my friend. This ones the re-boot.

Do that again, and ye'll get a "re-boot" up the ärse, is what...

[Bondian]

Ian, I did White Christmas last year! Let's not repeat ourselves...

Don't worry, my friend. This ones the re-boot.

Do that again, and ye'll get a "re-boot" up the ärse, is what...

That might get rid of my piles. LOL

[Bondian]

Adeste Fideles

Adeste Fideles
Laeti triumphantes
Venite, venite in Bethlehem
Natum videte
Regem angelorum
Venite adoremus
Dominum
Cantet nunc io
Chorus angelorum
Cantet nunc aula caelestium
Gloria, gloria
In excelsis Deo
Venite adoremus
Dominum
Ergo qui natus
Die hodierna
Jesu, tibi sit gloria
Patris aeterni
Verbum caro factus
Venite adoremus
Dominum

WTF?

The moral of this one is, marry someone who knows latin.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Hey, ho; what do you know! Another year, another dollar; another reason to switch to Judaism.

So, since poor old Bondian isn't here to gayily revive this dearest thread, I'll do the honours:

Ding Dong Merrily on High

Ding dong! merrily on high
In heav'n the bells are ringing:
Ding dong! verily the sky
Is riv'n with Angel singing.

Right off the bat, we're insulting those dope smokers who are also mentally handicapped; also, what the blue hell does "riv'n" mean? Are the angels destroying the sky with their unholy shrieking?

Gloria,
Hosanna in excelsis!

Gloria? Hosanna? Who're they, and why are you referring to them as "ex"s and being "in... celsi[u]s"? Did you freeze them to death in the fridge, you sick ?

E'en so here below, below,
Let steeple bells be swungen,

And an "ingen, fingen, fargen" to you, too, Yon Yonson.

And "Io, io, io!"
By priest and people sungen.

First off, what does a moon of Jupiter have to do with death by angel-cry? Secondly, "sungen" isn't a word, you miseducated clop.

Gloria,
Hosanna in excelsis!

Again with your ex-girlfriends! Seriously, I'm beginning to wonder if you aren't secretly Ed Gein, or something...

Pray you, dutifully prime
Your matin chime, ye ringers;
May you beautifully rime
Your evetime song, ye singers.

"Matin chime", eh? Bunch o' Frenchies, the lot o'ya!

Gloria,
Hosanna in excelsis!

SHUT UP!!!

The moral of the story: More crazy- serial killers pen Christmas carols than you'd think.

[Kilroy6644]

Hey, ho; what do you know! Another year, another dollar; another reason to switch to Judaism.

Don't think Judaism will save you from Christmas. The mall I work at is owned by a Jewish guy, and we decorate for Christmas. There's no escaping it.

[Tybre]

Hey, ho; what do you know! Another year, another dollar; another reason to switch to Judaism.

Don't think Judaism will save you from Christmas. The mall I work at is owned by a Jewish guy, and we decorate for Christmas. There's no escaping it.

Revive Oliver Cromwell. The man abolished Christmas on the grounds that it was "too indulgent of the sensual pleasures".

[Mr. Blofeld]

Hey, ho; what do you know! Another year, another dollar; another reason to switch to Judaism.

Don't think Judaism will save you from Christmas. The mall I work at is owned by a Jewish guy, and we decorate for Christmas. There's no escaping it.

Revive Oliver Cromwell. The man abolished Christmas on the grounds that it was "too indulgent of the sensual pleasures".

Of course, he then died of malaria from an infected mosquito bite, which... actually, doesn't prove anything, but let's continue; anyone else want to give this a try? It shouldn't be only my cross to bear, you know.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Speakin' of bears and crosses, it's time for Christmas Carol's? '010!


The Holly and the Ivy

The holly and the ivy, when they are both full grown,
Of all the trees that are in the wood, the holly bears the crown.

What? What does that even mean? How does a tree bear a crown?

Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

Wow, random imagery... does our narrator have dementia? Also, "running of the deer"? Something like Pampalona, perhaps?

The holly bears a blossom as white as lily flower,

Okay, naturalism...

And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ to be our sweet saviour.

...but what the hell is this? Who got their religion in my naturalism, here?

Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

Joy of joys; more random imagery. Can someone supply the writer with some Adderol, please?

The holly bears a berry as red as any blood,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ to do poor sinners good.

Um... what? Blood, sinners, and babies? What kind of sick mind is this?

Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

Yeah, if you don't stop with that, I'll show you some "sweet singing" up your ...

The holly bears a prickle as sharp as any thorn,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ on Christmas Day in the morn.

Huh? First, why the fixation on thorns and pain, nutjob? Secondly, how do you know when Mary gave birth? It could've been a fifty-hour labor, for all you know, but oh, no, "sweet Jesus Christ" just has to be born "on Christmas Day in the morn"... give me a break.

Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

This is as inane as it gets, folks. You may think I'm calm, but this 's got me boiling over...

The holly bears a bark as bitter as any gall,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ for to redeem us all.

What the hell? Babies and redemption and gall? You're one sick naturalist, bub; you know that?

Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

WOULD YOU EFFIN' STOP THAT?!?


The moral of the story: Diagnose the naturalists with ADHD before they start penning crazy Christmas carols.

[Bondian]

Amen, brother. LOL