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[Bondian]

Hi Gang.

Have you ever thought that there could be additional meanings behind the lyrics of the most popular Christmas Carols.

This topic's meant to be light hearted and non offensive to the author/composers of these wonderful songs.

Now. Let's examine the Carol 'Good King Wenceslas'.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring winter fuel

A few points here. Now. This blokes looking out of a window at a huge pile of food. A beatnic passes by all the food, and is searching for clothing. What a nice King he was. He could have shouted out. "Hey Mister. "There's a huge pile of food on that roundabout over there if you bothered looking". Although street lamps have not been invented yet. But. it's such a brightly lite moon, I'm surprised you hadn't seen the food instead of poncing around looking for something to keep you warm".

Hither, page, and stand by me
If thou know'st it, telling
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?
Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the mountain
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes' fountain.

"Hither, page, and stand by me If thou know'st it, telling". Bloody hell. Now we have Elaine Paige joining the scene. Maybe she's joining in with the cat's chorus!!!.

Now. The King's asking Elaine who this beatnik is, and where the hell is he living. He's a beggar for hell's sake. He has no home, clothes, food and cannot claim social security because it hadn't been invented yet. But hang on. Elaine suddenly remembers that the beatnik lives underneath a mountain right against a forest fence. How tall was this fence?. And not only would he find better things to keep him warm (he could kill a sheep and use the wool to make a bed) there's a flaming water fountain that he could drink the water and wash.

Bring me flesh and bring me wine
Bring me pine logs hither
Thou and I will see him dine
When we bear him thither.
Page and monarch forth they went
Forth they went together
Through the rude wind's wild lament
And the bitter weather

"Bring me flesh and bring me wine". Well at last the King sees fit to feed the poor bloke. (maybe it was Elaine's singing that made him feel sorry for him). However. Off they go to offer raw meat, wine and pine logs. And why they're doing this they're breaking wind. Maybe it's a ploy to put the chap off eating so they don't have to give anything away?.

Sire, the night is darker now
And the wind blows stronger
Fails my heart, I know not how,
I can go no longer.
Mark my footsteps, my good page
Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter's rage
Freeze thy blood less coldly.

Now they're breaking wind like crazy. And knowing this. Why would the beatnik want to eat this apparently gas producing food stuff. Obviously by now their stomaches have fallen out because they have to stop. The King asks Elaine to "mark his footsteps" and to tread on them "boldly". Now why?. The poor beatnik is still standing on the roundabout waiting for permission to get stuck into the uncooked fatty farty food. It's alright for Elaine and the King as they've just come out of their house.

In his master's steps he trod
Where the snow lay dinted
Heat was in the very sod
Which the Saint had printed
Therefore, Christian men, be sure
Wealth or rank possessing
Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing

So. Elaine goes back to the house and prints out a picture of the King. She takes it to the beatnik and this warms him up.

So the essence of this story. If you see a beatnik outside your window begging for food and clothing. Just take him a picture of Good King Wenceslas and all will be well.

Cheers,


Ian

[Bondian]

Deck The Halls

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Well. This has got to be the sickest Carol ever written. Obviously this Carol would fit quite nicely in such films like 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'. This poor girl 'Holly' in this one is cut up, and her bowels are scattered all over some hall whilst everyone laughs and jokes. Now. We need to ascertain where this halls stands. Maybe we'll find out when reading the rest of this ghastly blood fest.

Don we now our gay apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Now. They're not only murderers they don't even find her sexually attractive.

"Troll the ancient Yule tide carol". Well.It's the first time I've ever seen that certain cow who trolls these boards (and others) referred to as "Old Carol" floating on logs.

See the blazing Yule before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the harp and join the chorus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Now they've set fire to "Old Carol" who's floating on logs.

Follow me in merry measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While I tell of Yule tide treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

"Merry Measure". Is this some kind of sex aide that'll help find treasure on the flaming floating log containing "Old Carol"?.

Fast away the old year passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Poor "Old Carol" has been floating on that flaming log now for 12 months. And since then, many new babies have been born and have grown up. (no wonder why they didn't need that sex aide).

Sing we joyous, all together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Heedless of the wind and weather,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Now they're all singing in the wind, rain and snow.

So. Holly's been massacred, "Old Carol" died on a flaming log. They've forgotten about the treasure they could have got hold of off of the log, and now they're just having a good old piss up over the whole affair.

So in essence. When you purchase a 'Yule Tide Log'. There's a good reason why it's brown.

[moorebond82]

You sure know how to put a twist on things.

[Bondian]

Ding dong merrily on high

Ding dong merrily on high,
In heav'n the bells are ringing:
Ding dong! verily the sky
Is riv'n with angel singing.
Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!

Bells up in the sky?. Bells up in heaven?. Gloria Hosanna Estafan?.

Ah. I can see that this Carol is based on Cockney Rhyming Slang. "Gloria" (Glorious), "Bells" (Dell's) and "Excelsis" (A Company).
So we actually have "Glorius Machines Made by Dell".

E'en so here below, below,
Let steeple bells be swungen,
And "Io, io, io!"
By priest and people sungen.
Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!

"Let steeple bells be swungen". This verse explain that you should forget other companies, and buy from Dell.

"And Io, io, io! By priest and people sungen". This verse explains that you should not let your local Priest or Friends who may tell you to purchase from anyone else.

"Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!". This verse is a remind that you must purchase from the Glorius Excelsis Dell Website.

Pray you, dutifully prime
Your matin chime, ye ringers;
May you beautifully rime
Your evetime song, ye singers.
Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!

Obviously. This verse is praising their customer support department. "Pray you, dutifully prime" (if you), "Your matin chime, ye ringers" (find your sexy machine doesn't work, give us a call), "Your evetime song, ye singers" (you can call after 6 as we're open in the evenings) and "Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!" (our Glorious Excelsis Dell Website).

So in essance. Don't be a 'ding dong'. Buy from Dell.

[Bondian]

The Twelve Days of Christmas!.

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree.

WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

Ah. At last a decent present. But five. I only have one finger that I can put them on.
Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

What the hell am I to do with pregnant geese?.
Ah. At last a decent present. But five. I only have one finger that I can put them on.
Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

Again. How the hell am I to retrieve my present?. Supposedly I have to roll up my trousers and wade through the frozen water to catch the blighter's?.
What the hell am I to do with pregnant geese?.
Ah. At last a decent present. But five. I only have one finger that I can put them on.
Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

What dirty cows. Do they live in a nunnery of something?. Again?. What a useless present.
Again. How the hell am I to retrieve my present?. Supposedly I have to roll up my trousers and wade through the frozen water to catch the blighter's?.
What the hell am I to do with pregnant geese?.
Ah. At last a decent present. But five. I only have one finger that I can put them on.
Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

Have we got enough turkey, Darling?.
What dirty cows. Do they live in a nunnery of something?. Again?. What a useless present.
Again. How the hell am I to retrieve my present?. Supposedly I have to roll up my trousers and wade through the frozen water to catch the blighter's?.
What the hell am I to do with pregnant geese?.
Ah. At last a decent present. But five. I only have one finger that I can put them on.
Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

Conservative or Labour?. I think a divorce is in order here.
Have we got enough turkey, Darling?.
What dirty cows. Do they live in a nunnery of something?. Again?. What a useless present.
Again. How the hell am I to retrieve my present?. Supposedly I have to roll up my trousers and wade through the frozen water to catch the blighter's?.
What the hell am I to do with pregnant geese?.
Ah. At last a decent present. But five. I only have one finger that I can put them on.
Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

Oh. So we're announcing the divorce are we now?. Bitch!!!.
Conservative or Labour?. I think a divorce is in order here.
Have we got enough turkey, Darling?.
What dirty cows. Do they live in a nunnery of something?. Again?. What a useless present.
Again. How the hell am I to retrieve my present?. Supposedly I have to roll up my trousers and wade through the frozen water to catch the blighter's?.
What the hell am I to do with pregnant geese?.
Ah. At last a decent present. But five. I only have one finger that I can put them on.
Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

Right. That's it. You can shove this marriage right up your bottom.
Oh. So we're announcing the divorce are we now?. Bitch!!!.
Conservative or Labour?. I think a divorce is in order here.
Have we got enough turkey, Darling?.
What dirty cows. Do they live in a nunnery of something?. Again?. What a useless present.
Again. How the hell am I to retrieve my present?. Supposedly I have to roll up my trousers and wade through the frozen water to catch the blighter's?.
What the hell am I to do with pregnant geese?.
Ah. At last a decent present. But five. I only have one finger that I can put them on.
Even more frigging birds. And this time their prostitutes.
More birds. But it's even worse. Not only do I have to fetch them, they don't even speak English.
Flying sodding turtles. Surely their shells would weigh them down?.
WOW!. That's very much. A)I don't like Partridge's. B)How do I get the bastard down?.

The essence of this Carol is - do not marry anyone who knows the lyrics to this lackluster broken marriage fest.

[Bondian]

Winter Wonderland!

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight.
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Are you sure that's sleigh bells and not another notification that some poor passer-by hasn't slipped and broken their necks because the council's neglect to salt the pavements?.

"Winter Wonderland"?. Is that the name of the hospital?.

Gone away is the bluebird,
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song,
As we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Maybe it's the 'Town Crier' shouting out "bring out your dead for the folk who've slipped and broken their necks because the council's neglect to salt the pavements".

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

Ah. That'll be a lot of comfort won't it? "Oh. My wife's just died, but lets build a snowman".

Who the hell is Parson Brown. And why the hell is there a Pop Group there?.

He'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
When you're in town.

Okay. Okay. So I take it that 'Parson Brown' is a Priest?. (either that or he adorns a very long nose). His name comes up in several Christmas songs so he must be a man of authority. Let's say for arguments sake that he's a Priest.

So. Parson Brown (the Priest) asks everyone (even a small group of people) who visit his town if their married, and it's okay to have a gang bang in front of everyone.

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Conspire?. (breathe with) and fall asleep by a fire.

Instead of erecting signs to prevent people slipping on the ice, they're now plotting what other plans to surprise the people of this town with. How about a few road signs?.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman,
Until the other kids knock him down.

Hmmmm. Maybe this town's a no go area for anyone who's not insane. To get joy, some folk want to build (not make out of snow) a snowman knowing fully well that it'll get destroyed. Now. What's the use in that?. First there's no road signs to warn people of slippery pavements, but now a snowman is to be erected with a view to it's termination.

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Ah. Now I've got it. Now they're going to lift a few man hole covers and are going to try to catch some fish. Maybe they'd catch crabs if they invited a few of their weird friends along.

The essence of this Christmas tune is that it's based on a funny farm wherby the loonies have taken over the running of the place, and the doctors/psychiatrists have been terminated.

[Bondian]

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas!

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Ah. Okay. Obviously this is after the dumbest presents that you gave to me in that song 'The Twelve Days of Christmas', innit?.

If so, then why did you have to ask Bing Crosby to sing it?. A letter would suffice, but you always were difficult weren't you?.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Pardon Me!!!. Hell. I could just go an get another girl, ya know. And you keep mentioning "our troubles" don't you?. (and I still cannot believe that you got Bing to sing it). It was ALL your fault. I knew that snowman we bulit with our own bear hands would come between us. I kept saying that it would melt, but you wouldn't have it. Trying to warm him with that blow torch was a rather silly thing to do.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Mean to tell me that you've made more snowmen, and you're now wanting to include me?. Looks like I have some stiff competition, and obviously their frozen 'assets' are of some interest to you.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Well. I'd come home if you got rid of my stiff competition, and you were nice to me again. Maybe we can make a fresh start of things.

The moral of this story is. If you're a snowman yourself, why get over heated about things. It can shorted your lifespan.

[Bondian]

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
down the stairs to have a peep;

Holly crap, Batman. Now we know why this guy has red cheeks. He bones yer wife, and under that mistletoe that daddy has spent some time drilling that drawing pin threw that pine door frame.

She thought that I was tucked
up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;

Now my mother's jiggling away at his genitals. WOW. This is going to be a cracking Christmas. Cannot wait to tell daddy.

But, wait...

Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

No wonder the SOB never gives me any good presents. He's too busy waving his sack at my mom.

Now I'm wondering why the 'tooth fairy' leaves me some dosh just for removing an erroneous tooth from under my pillow. I bet he and mommy knocked it out on purpose so they can get together.

Guess we kids are not the only 'turkey' at Christmas.

And as for the stuffing...


The moral of this Carol is not to let mommy know it Christmas. And if you teeth fall out, just let her know she can stick them to Santa's sack the next time he visits.

[DaveBond21]

I always used to sing this variation on "While Shepherds Watched":-


While shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching BBC
The Angel of the Lord came down
And switched on ITV

[Bondian]

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
On a one-horse open sleigh,
Over the fields we go,
Laughing all the way;
Bells on bob-tail ring,
making spirits bright,
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh

So. What do we have here?. A dead horse these sick bastards have sleighed. Bells have been tied on it, and now they're dragging it through the snow singing. And what's even worse, they're riding on it.

Do things get better?...

A day or two ago,
I thought I'd take a ride,
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side;
The horse was lean and lank;
Misfortune seemed his lot;
He got into a drifted bank,
And we, we got upsot.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
What fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.

No we have a Fanny Bright spread eagled over this dead beast. They feel sorry for it, and blamed a bank manager for his demise. Then they decide to break into some idiotic song that still does not make any sense. Are these folk on some brain inducing drug?.

A day or two ago,
the story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell;
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh,
He laughed as there
I sprawling lie,
But quickly drove away.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
What fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.

What a genius. Now we find out that he'd fallen on his back, and this idiot had driven past him on his dead horse and pissed himself laughing.

And this was before 'The Simpson's'.

Maybe the last verse has evidence of the demise of these very strange folk.

Now the ground is white
Go it while you're young,
Take the girls tonight
And sing this sleighing song;
Just get a bob-tailed bay
two-forty as his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! you'll take the lead.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
What fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.

Unfortunately not. Now things get even more bloody. The ground is frozen and as you're still young you should pork them, then show how good you are at riding that dead horse. But now, you need to drag the horses body to "two-forty" eighty miles per hour. Now. Crack the horses spin, and you'll be the winner.

The moral of this one is. If you own a horse. Keep him inside. Otherwise you'll get some sickos.

[Bondian]

I always used to sing this variation on "While Shepherds Watched":-


While shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching BBC
The Angel of the Lord came down
And switched on ITV

LOL. We used to say...

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on the ground
The Angel of the Lord came down
And charged them half a crown.

Yeah. I know it's not funny. Even worse if you can remember the sterling rate. LOL

Here's another.

Let It Snow!

Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Fair enough. It's freezing cold. There's an open fire.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
And I brought some corn for popping;
The lights are turned way down low,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

So. You want to pop your corn, and the lights are low. Are you sure you don't want to leave because it's cold out there?.

When we finally say good night,
How I'll hate going out in the storm;
But if you really hold me tight,
All the way home I'll be warm.

Ah. Now we're getting to the crux, eh?. If she doesn't respond to your sexual wants you're going to face the "storm"?. But hold on a moment. In your first verse you mention that that you have no place to go?. Are you taking the piss or am I just going to be your one night stand?. Or. In your case. Horizontal?.

The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still good-bye-ing,
But as long as you love me so.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

All I can say is, "You are weakest link. Goodbye".

The moral of this one is, never invite Anne Robinson to your place when it's cold outside.

[Bondian]

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

You know Dasher and Dancer
And Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid
And Donner and Blitzen.
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?

No. Who the crap is he?.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
(reindeer)
Had a very shiny nose
(like a light bulb)
And if you ever saw it
(saw it)
You would even say it glows
(like a flash light)
All of the other reindeer
(reindeer)
Used to laugh and call him names
(like Pinochio)
They never let poor Rudolph
(Rudolph)
Play in any reindeer games
(like Monopoly)

So. These animals could actually read, could they?. Can play games?. Not only that, they speak English?.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
(Ho Ho Ho)
Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Then all the reindeer loved him
(loved him)
And they shouted out with glee
(yippee)
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
(reindeer)
You'll go down in history!"
(like Columbus)

Fog at Christmas?. Are you nuts. Are you sure it wasn't a frozen blizzard?.

"All the other reindeer" (shouldn't that be reindeer's?). They're all now happy with Rudolph because he's sleighed the rest of them.

The moral of this story is. If you have a sore nose, you've probably got herpes. But don't worry. Chris Columbus will make a movie of it, and you'll go down in history.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Mind if I join in, old chap?

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

[quote]God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Saviour
Was born on Christmas Day
To save poor souls from Satan's power
When they had gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy[/quote]

Well, this is just great; right off the bat, rampant sexism. Also, I think we all know what day the bearded guy was born on, so don't remind us, Song!

[quote]In Bethlehem, in Jewry,
The humble Christ was born
And God sent us salvation
That bless

[Bondian]

ROFL.

Mate. Have been waiting for a twosome. ROFL

I started this off last year, and was determined to wait until now to carry-on.

Thanks for your support, mate.

Let's get the blasphemy out of these seedy proceedings.

Cheers,


Ian

[Mr. Blofeld]

ROFL.

Mate. Have been waiting for a twosome. ROFL

I started this off last year, and was determined to wait until now to carry-on.

Thanks for your support, mate.

Let's get the blasphemy out of these seedy proceedings.

Cheers,


Ian

Thanks, very much!

Sorry about the blasphemy, though...

[Bondian]

LOL. It's not you, my friend. Please read this..."Let's get the blasphemy out of these seedy proceedings.". I mean, out of the Carols lol

Will post a few more soon.

Cheers,


Ian

[Mr. Blofeld]

Ohhh; dear, oh, dear.

Well, I'll give it another go:

What Child Is This?

What Child is this who, laid to rest
On Mary’s lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

What, do you expect us to know? Hey, here's a hint: Don't ask stupid questions.

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing;
Haste, haste, to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

Oh, so now you know who it is? Also, "laud"; is that like laudanum? Are you trying to get Christ to steal a moonstone?

Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.

Well, how should I know? Also, how can an feed? Is that like that episode of South Park? Also, how can the Word plead if it's silent?

Nails, Spear shall pierce him through,
The Cross be borne for me, for you;
Hail, Hail the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

Oh, lovely imagery; what will the children think?

So bring Him incense, gold and myrrh,
Come peasant, king to own Him;
The King of kings salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.

Why do we have to bring him all that crap? We're not the Magi, you know! Also, how can we own Jesus? Is he like a Wii or something?

Raise, Raise, the song on high,
The Virgin Sings her lullaby;
Joy, Joy for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

Oh, sure: "Raise the song on high", but ssshhhh! Mary's singing her baby to sleep. What tosh!

The moral of the story: Don't rip off the tune from Greensleeves, or the ghost of King Henry VIII will haunt you for all eternity.

[Bondian]

LOL.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

[quote]We Wish You A Merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year.
Glad tidings we bring
To you and your kin;
Glad tidings for Christmas
And a happy New Year![/quote]
Sounds very nice. But who are "we"? And why say it three times?. Sounds like a load of "we" to me.

[quote]We want some figgy pudding
We want some figgy pudding
We want some figgy pudding
Please bring it right here!
Glad tidings we bring
To you and your kin;
Glad tidings for Christmas
And a happy New Year![/quote]
What the hell. It's gone from "we" to constipation.

[quote]Figgy Pudding
Serves 4

300ml (

[Mr. Blofeld]

You're a smeggin' genius, you know that?

Again:

White Christmas

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know

What, before them Negros moved in? Gosh darned, it shore was nice! Pffft; what a load of KKK propaganda.

Where the treetops glisten,
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

Shortly followed thereafter, I presume, by the terrified cries of the black people they've hitched to the back of their sleighs.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write

Sent to the local Grand Dragon, eh?

May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Yep; just like a racist to tell me that.

The moral of the story: Don't hire white supremacists to write your Christmas carols.

[Bondian]

Sleigh Ride

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you,
Outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling "Yoo hoo,"
Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

Make up your mind. Are we inside or out?. I hardly call falling snow "lovely weather". Unless of course I want to go for a walk. But you're asking me to ride on a sleigh with a chap who I've never met. Well, besides on the shopping malls/centres. Is he a good driver?. I've never heard of having a sleigh drivers license.

"You hoo" They're hardly friends because that isn't my name.

Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
let's go, Let's look at the show,
We're riding in a wonderland of snow.
Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
it's grand, Just holding your hand,
We're gliding along with a song
of a wintry fairy land.

Hold on here. "Giddy yap"?. Hold my hand?. Fairly Land?.

Our cheeks are nice and rosy
and comfy cozy are we
We're snuggled up together
like two birds of a feather would be
Let's take that road before us
and sing a chorus or two
Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

Well. This so called sleigh is bum numbing, and I'd appreciate it if you remove your hand from my hairy nest. Big boy.

There's a birthday party
at the home of Farmer Gray
It'll be the perfect ending a perfect day
We'll be singing the songs
we love to sing without a single stop,
At the fireplace while we watch
the chestnuts pop. Pop! pop! pop!

Who the deuce is "Farmer Gray"? Is he a friend of Parson Brown?. Gray?. Brown?. And you want me to sit close to the fire and let my knackers get toasted?.

You like things brown, don't you?.

There's a happy feeling
nothing in the world can buy,
When they pass around the chocolate
and the pumpkin pie
It'll nearly be like a picture print
by Currier and Ives
These wonderful things are the things
we remember all through our lives!

More brown, and now you want to add some "pumpkin pie".

Currier and Ives!!!. Do they work for Kodak?. Or maybe in your case, some bum company?.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you,
Outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling "Yoo hoo,"
Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

Just to let you know, I have reported your proceedings to the local police. I'm sure they'll arrest you for not having a sleigh license, and all of your bumming around.

Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
let's go, Let's look at the show,
We're riding in a wonderland of snow.
Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
it's grand, Just holding your hand,
We're gliding along with a song
of a wintry fairy land

Ah. Now we're on some kind of 'coda', eh?. And this time, it's not my hand you're holding. It's the gearstick of my car. I'm running you in myself you weird sicko.

Our cheeks are nice and rosy
and comfy cozy are we
We're snuggled up together
like two birds of a feather would be
Let's take that road before us
and sing a chorus or two
Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

Here's the police report on your misdemeanours.

Sergeant Brown (oh, no)

"You have the right to remain Santa. If choose to waive that right (or want to hold hands with Sergeant Brown), anything you say can be used against you in a court of brown. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney the state will refresh your reindeer's of their duty, and you'll be able to fly back to whence you came. However. Sergeant Brown is most impressed with his newly toasted chestnuts".

The moral of this Carol is, when Santa's riding his sleigh, police watch your behind.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Erm... should you be talking about Father Christmas, as you fellows call him in the U.K.?

[Bondian]

Erm... should you be talking about Father Christmas, as you fellows call him in the U.K.?

Nope. It was Santa who caused the trouble. LOL Father Christmas is just an old with nothing better to do than to cause road traffic accidents.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Erm... should you be talking about Father Christmas, as you fellows call him in the U.K.?

Nope. It was Santa who caused the trouble. LOL Father Christmas is just an old with nothing better to do than to cause road traffic accidents.

Making people drive on the right again, is he?

Anyway, here again:

The Christmas Song

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos.

First off, they're not Eskimos; they're called Inuits. Secondly, what freakishly-sick man would want to roast his nuts over an open fire?

Everybody knows a turkey
and some mistletoe
Help to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

Why, are their parents arguing? Did Pa come home from the pub drunk again?

They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of toys
and goodies on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer
really know how to fly.

"Every mother's child"? I've got to admit: Not really a message of love you're spreading to orphans, there.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said
many times, many ways
Merry Christmas to you.

"Kids from one to ninety-two"? Don't leave out the centenarians, you ungrateful bastard!

The moral of the story: Cocaine is a helluva drug.

[DaveBond21]

Here's another one we changed at school. We Three Kings.



We three Kings of Orient are,
One in a taxi, one in a car,
One on a scooter, beeping his hooter,
Following yonder star.
Ohhhhh.....
Star of wonder, star of light,
Sit on a box of dynamite,
Pull the trigger here we go,
On our way to Mexico!

[Bondian]

Excellent, gentlemen.

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

What's the matter with having an elephant or a rhinoceros?. They're both fat and stink. Or maybe you could save space by purchasing a skunk?.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door,
that's the easy thing to do

Wouldn't mind?. How on earth is he going to export the blasted thing all the way from the north pole?. Have you thought about the logistics of suck a feat?.

You mean you still have a working chimney?. Need the hippo to collect the coal, do we?. Haven't you ever heard of 'free delivery'!!!.

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I would have thought you could smell the bastard first. Not only that, Santa would need to smash down one of your walls to get it in, and that would have woken you up.

Are you sure that skunk wouldn't suffice?.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too

Ah. So the rhino is out, and the croc. But I can see what you mean about the croc. Shouldn't imagine you and it getting on that well. However. Maybe 'croc' is what your talking.

(Short Music Interlude)

Maybe the turd facilitating song?.

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian

We can only hope the former.

(Short Music Interlude)

Back to the turd facilitating song I guess.

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage

So, where are you going to park the cars?. Maybe you could build another garage with all of the turd that must be building up?.

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

Have you heard of illegal drugs, or are they freely available in your area?.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Well. Christmas has come and gone, so what did you get?.

"a shovel"

The moral of this Carol is, stop posting this crap until you can think of something worthwhile.

[Bondian]

Auld Lang Syne

Now. This is one that's been bothering me for years. We've all sung it many many times, and we all know it's usually sung on New Year's Eve. But, have you ever studied the lyrics?.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

Come on, Own up. Who sings "Should old...".

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

"Tak a cup of kindness"?. Is alcohol kind?. I suppose it can be.

Champagne. It tickles your nose like an Eskimo. Eskimo's kiss that way, so their being kind. So Champagne is a kind drink.

Whiskey make you frisky. You touch a girls bum, she slaps your face. And you say you were just being kind. Whiskey is also a kind drink.

Brandy makes you randy. You grab a females breasts. She slaps your face. You say, sorry, but they were a little out of whack. I just just being kind and adjusted them so you looked more attractive. Brandy is a kind drink too.

Gin (mothers ruin). Easy. You give her vodka and she's not ruined anymore. You've been kind to her to get her off the gin. Gin is a kind drink.

Beer. 21,000 England supporters start trouble at some European country after losing. When interviewed. Some balding overweight 18 year old says "we were just trying to re arrange the place. Thought it needed some improvement". Beer is a kind drink, and it can be a good 'Bud'.

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine,
And we'll tak a cup o kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

So you're saying, when I finish my pint you'll look like a pint of beer?.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine,
But we've wander'd monie a weary fit,
Sin auld lang syne.

Now you've lost me. But I'll take a stab.

So after you've turned into a pint of beer, we're going to run around some bra?. But the rest of the gowns are fine?. We've spent all of our money and are feeling tired.

Are you sure we've been drinking beer or some other concoction?. Maybe a little Smokey poky?.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

We've paid for a burn?. Ah, yes. It's a joint isn't it?. So we have a smoke, then jump into the roaring sea?.

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne

Now a huge hand of fire comes out of the sea and guilds my willy.

And this is what we sing about on New Year's Eve???.

The moral of this traditional verse is. Make sure you hold hands with others whilst reciting this hogwash as you could get dragged to an untimely demise. Oh, wait. We do that don't we?.

Joking aside. Here's the true meanings and definitions.

Meanings

auld lang syne - times gone by
be - pay for
braes - hills
braid - broad
burn - stream
dine - dinner time
fiere - friend
fit - foot
gowans - daisies
guid-willie waught - goodwill drink
monie - many
morning sun - noon
paidl't - paddled
pint-stowp - pint tankard
pou'd - pulled
twa - two

Source http://www.hogmanay....ry/auldlangsyne

[Mr. Blofeld]

Lordy, Lordy; that Robert Burns sure was a wackjob.

[Vauxhall]

Lordy, Lordy; that Robert Burns sure was a wackjob.

Or, in fact, a genius.

Forgive my Scottish hereditary.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Forgive my Scottish hereditary.

Oh, I'm sorry; it was only a joke.

[Vauxhall]

Not to worry. I apologise, I was in a bit of a tetchy mood last night.