65 replies to this topic

[Hitch]

I was brought up to be a fluffy bunny. And so I have been, all my life. But I've had a thoroughly crappy day and now I'm monumentally drunk, and sick and tired of being shy and retiring.

To business: Qwerty, the moderator of this beautifully kept fanfic forum, has suggested that I might get some, nay ONE, response re. To Whom It May Condemn if I left a reminder in this thread. My crappy fanfic appeared eight months ago. The response? Nut'n. Nada. Zip. (Lazenby880 is excused because at least he took an interest.)

There's a lot I could say:

1. TWIMC, in all honesty, isn't very good. If I use the word "Bond" once, I use it a thousand times. Dreadful. The plot sags like a poor souffle.

2. But I've spent a LOT of time and energy contributing to CBn's and MI6's fanfic sections, by writing feedback, promoting competitions and events, taking part in interviews, and generally being an eminently huggable person. I've encouraged people as much as I can.

3. I think I've subjected Bond fandom to almost 20 Bond stories/paragraphs. I'm a sadist and an egotist.

Yet here's the rub: I've written over 100 pages of a Bond story set in the 50s/60s (a rare thing in Bond fan fiction) and I've had one response from CBn, MI6 and JB&B respectively from people who have done more than glance at Icephoenix's wonderful cover.

I didn't and don't expect an avalanche of posts, memos, newspaper headlines and television interviews. But it would be nice if ONE person wrote ONE sentence about ONE aspect of TWIMC. My story might well be bloody awful, but I won't know unless someone tells me that it sucks.

TWIMC was written specifically for fans of Fleming, though there are some cinemaBond jokes too. It certainly couldn't be described as a convincing story, but I tried very hard to imitate Fleming's voice and to cram in lots of Fleming in-jokes and riffs on famous scenes. And, a small point, just about everything mentioned in my preposterous story is fully researched. The ghost of Fleming insisted on it, even though I couldn't afford a researcher.

Whatever. I hold my hands up. This post is cantankerous. But it would be wonderful if someone castigated/appraised/tolerated a sentence or paragraph from TWIMC so I could learn from your comments. TWIMC is in limbo and I have absolutely no idea whether any of the ideas I used in it actually worked.

And I'm still a fluffy bunny. Except when I decide to curl my lip. Then all yo' bitches best get out my way.

*Revs Harley-D, burns rubber, the desert reverberates to lone leather-clad biker piercing the night*

[/drunken rant]

[TortillaFactory]

You're right, of course, and I've been horribly negligent for many reasons:

1) I have no attention span. Reading is hard work.

2) ...little time. Bad excuse.

I have read probably the first half of TWIMC. It's very good. The writing is very good. I've enjoyed it. It made me smile. I'm sorry I can't think of anything more insightful to say, but there it is! I find no fault with your beloved story.

And I can't imagine why you've been largely ignored, but...c'est la vie.

[Lazenby880]

(Lazenby880 is excused because at least he took an interest.)

Please Hitch, I do not deserve to be excused. I feel terrible, I remember banging on at you in almost every topic in which you left a reply to get the thing finished and posted and I don't even respond to it! That was very poor of me, and I apologise. Moreover, given the contributions you made when you were here more regularly you do deserve better.

Many moons ago I read a lot of it, and I have begun re-reading it tonight. I suspect you know it is much better than you are letting on, if not you are ludicrously modest. Yes, from what I have read the plot does sag *a little*, but the quality of your writing ensures that I throughly enjoy the adventure you create. You are irritatingly good at conveying atmospheres and crafting tension, as well as writing some exquisite prose in general (I especially like the opening paragraph - brilliant). Most of all it is thoroughly fun to read. I will hold back before posting in more detail until I have finished it but rest assured, it is possibly one of the finest pieces of lengthy fan fictions out there (so far, obviously. It could all go horribly wrong, but I doubt it will). From what I have thus far read it deserves *far* more recognition than it currently receives.

I have my excuses, but they are boring. In any event, I promised I would reply and I should have honoured it regardless. Plus it is good to see you back Hitch; visit more often. To conclude, you will receive some detailed thoughts very soon. Those thoughts will probably be entirely incoherent, nonsensical and pretty worthless, however they will hopefully prompt others more erudite than I to post.

Keep writing. Fail not.

[Hitch]

Thanks, TF. You haven't been negligent at all. I'm merely puzzled as to why TWIMC hasn't had a SINGLE response. It may be because that, as Joyce Carrington pointed out to me, at the halfway point TWIMC sinks like Spain's prospects at the World Cup. Though it picks up rapidly afterwards.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and that it made you smile. I like to have that effect on people - even with a crappy fanfic.

[Joyce Carrington]

It may be because that, as Joyce Carrington pointed out to me, at the halfway point TWIMC sinks like Spain's prospects at the World Cup.

*gasp* I never said that.

Okay.

I may have said something like that, but not in those words.

The thing is, the plot isn't such an issue because your style is brilliant.

[Hitch]

But Joyce, I was trying to make your pertinent comment about TWIMC's structural failings faintly elegant and amusing.

[/evil Hitch]

[Joyce Carrington]

You silly, silly British man.

[Lazenby880]

The thing is, the plot isn't such an issue because your style is brilliant.

Very true Joyce. Hitch, like his namesake, got style.

[Scrambled Eggs]

Oh FFS,

Half an hour ago I made a pot of tea and settled down in front of my pc, hoping to complete some more of my fanfic novel. First I thought I'd browse CBn and MI6.... then I clicked on this thread...

I feel bad Hitch, because I remember telling you that I ws planning on reading TWIMC. I will. Not out of guilt but because I like your writing, I like your style and I like your mind.

Also, I OUGHT to read it because my own effort is also a Fleming pastiche. It should be full of pointers, and ideas to steal .

[Lazenby880]

The world of fan fiction can be ghastly place. Promises of finishing dates usually go unmet, the writers can very often be rather prickly customers and much of it

Edited by Lazenby880, 02 September 2006 - 04:55 PM.

[Hitch]

Curses, I can't spare the time tonight for a proper reply. Laz, thank you so much for the above post. I'll try to burble about it tomorrow. Whilst using too many emoticons.

[Lazenby880]

Curses, I can't spare the time tonight for a proper reply. Laz, thank you so much for the above post. I'll try to burble about it tomorrow. Whilst using too many emoticons.

Do forgive me if some of it does not make a great deal of sense, I did write it in a spring of enthusiasm. You may need to concentrate when reading to understand the meaning behind my awkward phraseology.

It was a pleasure both to read such a sophisticated and entertaining novel and to write a 'review', although the lastmentioned is probably too generous a term for my rambling notes above. Nonetheless, I look forward to reading your thoughts on To Whom It May Condemn as it is always most interesting to learn a writer's views on different aspects of his own work.

Most importantly, however, thank you for the read.

[Kilroy6644]

I read TWIMC several months ago, and I remember almost nothing about it. That's not a reflection on the story; that's just how my head works (or doesn't, I guess). I do remember that I liked it very much. It had a great style, and a good story. I guess that's about as good a review as you'll get from me, since I hate reviewing things, and I'm not very good at it. The fact that I read the story at all says a lot. I normally avoid fan fiction because, like Lazenby880 said, most of it is awful. So, more than my words could, let the fact that I actually read it, and read it in my least favorite format (on the computer, as opposed to on paper), serve as my review. I wouldn't have bothered to finish it if I didn't enjoy it a great deal.

[Hitch]

Kilroy, reading lots of prose off a computer screen is rotten work, I know, so I'm pleased you enjoyed TWIMC. Thanks for your comments.

*deep breath*

Anyone who spends time in this dank corner of CBn knows that Lazenby880 puts in a lot of effort to make it a friendly place. He's written long and cogent reviews of Tortilla Factory's and Jim's stuff and I'm very flattered and grateful that the Lazmeister should turn his magnifying glass in my direction. It's fascinating finding out what someone thinks of TWIMC.

But first: though your enthusiasm for, and enjoyment of, what I affectionately call "my crappy fanfic" is wonderful, I must ask you to temper your praise. TWIMC is the intermittently competent work of a fanboy (I like that word because it implies yours truly is still Bambi-like), which compensates for its many flaws by appealing specifically to Bond/Fleming nuts who know far too much about the world's favourite superspy. If TWIMC was a motor vehicle it would be a kit car; it does the job, it's fun (I hope), but it's really not very good.

But I'm touched that you felt it worth reading and discussing.

Now, those awkward bits you mentioned:

[quote]

[Lazenby880]

Anyone who spends time in this dank corner of CBn knows that Lazenby880 puts in a lot of effort to make it a friendly place. He's written long and cogent reviews of Tortilla Factory's and Jim's stuff and I'm very flattered and grateful that the Lazmeister should turn his magnifying glass in my direction.

Seriously, that is far too kind. There are plenty of other people here who could afford you a more sophisticated analysis than my lacking intellect will allow. Nonetheless, it was my pleasure to provide my thoughts as I did, genuinely, enjoy your novel greatly.

But first: though your enthusiasm for, and enjoyment of, what I affectionately call "my crappy fanfic" is wonderful, I must ask you to temper your praise. TWIMC is the intermittently competent work of a fanboy (I like that word because it implies yours truly is still Bambi-like), which compensates for its many flaws by appealing specifically to Bond/Fleming nuts who know far too much about the world's favourite superspy. If TWIMC was a motor vehicle it would be a kit car; it does the job, it's fun (I hope), but it's really not very good.

I never thought I'd find myself in the position of having to convince a writer that his novel is *far* better than he seems to judge. Despite the few flaws I tried to identify, it is really, really good indeed; far above what most people (including me) can produce. I am honestly perplexed at how anyone could describe To Whom It May Condemn as a 'crappy fanfic'

Edited by Lazenby880, 03 September 2006 - 01:55 PM.

[Scrambled Eggs]

In many ways, I am rather old fashioned. This tendency toward antediluvian values largely manifests itself in my placing great importance on things like being genuine and keeping one's word.
Of course, sometimes letting such abstract values guide one's actions can confuse other people as to my intentions.
Here is a case in point. You might think that my failure to read and give feedback on TWIMC after twice stating that I would do so indicates either that I'm a lazy bastard or that TWIMC is unreadable. It might also indicate that I'm in the business of not keeping my word.
But all these assumptions would be gross misinterpretations of the truth. I have been reading TWIMC and am here to resurrect the discussion thread. By rebooting the TWIMC thread in this way I hope to be of mmuch more use to you now than I would have been a year (and a bit) ago.

Anyway....

The chief criticism of TWIMC, as has been noted elsewhere, is that fifth chapter. It's overlong and I get the impression that you spent an awful lot of time tearing your hair out over it. There's much time spent detailing things we aren't particulalrly interested by (like the wires and cables on the roof, the laborious act of drilling the hole...)and not enough time spet developing some good ideas. In particular, I thought the moment where Bond is fooled by a bust of Lenin could have been developed a bit more. Some time spent gently raising the suspense before Bond discovers it's just a statue would've worked really well. That said, some of the writing which follows that moment is top notch stuff. I like the touch of sadism and twisted sexual overtones that accompany Bond's grapple with the guard.
Your characters are terrific. Price is a clever creation and the buildup to his death is cleverly handled. Ver clever actually. We begin to know him as a washed up, past it alky, then we're suprised at his heroic intervention, then shocked again by this newly redeemed character being taken from us so suddenly. It's smart stuff.
The sense of place also impresses. Evoking the interior of an airliner and making it interesting isn't easy. Doing that in a period piece even more difficult and making it into an instantly engaging start to your novel is a neat trick indeed.
I was particularly taken with the Garbo interlude. This might just be my own personal taste because I like the concept of "Bond in WWII" and I hope Gildrose sees fit to commission someone to write about it. This is exactly the sort of thing I'd hope for as well. I've been reading Eric Ambler and this little section of TWIMC would fit neatly into Ambler's world, particulalrly the buildup to Bond's first meeting with Garbo. "Noone but an englishman sits with one foot resting upon the knee." I love that sort of stuff and find myself imagining Peter Lorre in the Garbo role. Evocative stuff Hitch.

You might have noticed that, thus far, all my thoughts concern the first 5 chapters. This is, quite blatantly, because that's as far as I've gotten. But, I thought it best to give feedback as I went rather than read the whole thing and struggle to pick out moments from earlier in the novel.
I'll be adding to this post. Honest.

Edited by Scrambled Eggs, 13 April 2007 - 02:24 AM.

[Lazenby880]

I look forward to reading your further cogent thoughts on To Whom It May Condemn Scrambled Eggs, as Hitch's novel is an enormously enjoyable novel which avoids the mistakes found in most stories labelled as 'fan fiction'. The fact that it does not read like 'fan fiction' at all is perhaps one of its strongest features, as well as the wit and sophistication evident in the writing.

That the novel holds the reader's interest until the very end sets it apart from 95 percent of other fan fiction novels, and the calibre of the writing elevates it further.

I've been reading Eric Ambler and this little section of TWIMC would fit neatly into Ambler's world, particularly the buildup to Bond's first meeting with Garbo. "Noone but an englishman sits with one foot resting upon the knee." I love that sort of stuff and find myself imagining Peter Lorre in the Garbo role. Evocative stuff Hitch.

I am a *huge* Ambler fan; which novels have you been reading? I can see your point about that part of TWIMC fitting into Ambler's world. Incidentally, I think Uncommon Danger is Ambler's best, followed by Cause for Alarm.

Edited by Lazenby880, 16 April 2007 - 09:14 PM.

[Hitch]

In brief: Fervent thanks for disturbing this fog-caressed grave, heartfelt apologies for wearing out the word "Bond", open-mouthed admiration for pointing out literary crimes, and announcing a recently discovered Sherlock Holmes tale, "The Problem of the Fifth Chapter". More to come once I've sobered up.

[Scrambled Eggs]

I am a *huge* Ambler fan; which novels have you been reading? I can see your point about that part of TWIMC fitting into Ambler's world. Incidentally, I think Uncommon Danger is Ambler's best, followed by Cause for Alarm.

Thus far only "Mask of Dimitrios" and "The Night Comers". The order I'm reading them in is determined by what I find in second hand bookshops. If I don't come upon either of those two titles I'll certainly order them.

Bond's spell in wartime Lisbon as outlined in TWIMC did remind me of Latimer's wanderings around pre war Europe in MOD.

[terminus]

Didn't ever finish this, so it's being printed off alongside Nobody Cheats Death for me to read on the bus to college.

[MattofSteel]

Haven't read it yet, but I love the title

[Joyce Carrington]

Hitch always says it's crappy, but honestly it's great stuff (and I think secretly he knows it).

[Hitch]

Hitch always says it's crappy, but honestly it's great stuff (and I think secretly he knows it).

Busted.

No, JC, I honestly think it's a bit crappy - but that never stops us Bond fans, does it? TWIMC is for Bond geeks who don't mind ploughing through drab stuff as long as the words "James" and "Bond" keep appearing. Anyway, never mind the words - Icephoenix's excellent wraparound cover is enough reason to download the pdf.

Terminus, you're a brave man. Mind you don't nod off and miss your stop.

MattofSteel, the title's the best bit.

If anyone's looking for fan fiction, you could do worse than start with Joyce's stuff, and anything by Clinkeroo and Scrambled Eggs. Be sure to try Jim's The Heart Bleeds Ice to get you in the mood for his stellar Just Another Kill.

*inserts Paypal icon to receive payment from the above*

There's plenty more good stuff that I'm too lazy to list. And I can't wait to see what everyone's written for the impending short story collection.

Edited by Hitch, 24 January 2008 - 01:25 PM.

[terminus]

Oooh, I read Mightier Than The Sword and HITFA years go. I have got Joyce's stuff downloaded, but the page count daunted me when I was considering what to print off.

And I never did finish this when I tried to read it the first time round, for reasons I don't know. I will finish it this time.

[Helgi Briem]

Hello all.

I'm new here and this is my first post to the forum although I've browsed a bit. I've been a Bond fan since I read Dr. No at 10 (1972).

I wanted to say that I've just finished Hitch's story, TWIMC and I really, really liked it. I find it hard to convey how much I liked it.

The thing is, over the years I've read many Bond stories by Amis, Gardner and Benson and I'm sorry to say, I've never been impressed. They're OK light fodder but they just don't measure up to Fleming and after the first one or two I've never bothered to get hold of more of their books.

TWIMC really reads like Fleming and a good one at that. Not up to his best to be sure, but better than some of the weaker ones. I caught a few minor mistakes, but none of them detracted from a gripping story.

I will be re-reading it for a more detailed review, but I just had to give you my most since congratulations. I will be looking for more of your stuff as soon as I finish this.

One minor complaint though. This has to do with the PDF packaging, not the story itself. It may be just my setup, but I found the PDF nearly unreadable until I bumped the font size up to 125% and even then the font was fuzzy.

Cheers for now,

[Scrambled Eggs]

Well well, G

[Hitch]

No, it's not. Where's the cash?

Helgi, thank you so much for taking the time to post your thoughts about my crappy fanfic novella. You've made a not-so-young man very happy. The whole point of writing TWIMC was to amuse myself and to give Bond book fans some fun; I achieved the first (I'm easily pleased) and it seems that I've achieved the latter - in Iceland at least.

I'm sorry if the pdf text is a little fuzzy. It seems to read clearly in Adobe Reader, but computers are a mystery to me.

For your next fanfic foray, I suggest Jim's Just Another Kill. TWIMC is the hairy prophet to JAK's deity. And don't forget to try Joyce Carrington's two novels if you want an exciting read that explores Fleming's world in an original fashion.

Edited by Hitch, 31 January 2008 - 01:10 AM.

[Icephoenix]

No, JC, I honestly think it's a bit crappy - but that never stops us Bond fans, does it? TWIMC is for Bond geeks who don't mind ploughing through drab stuff as long as the words "James" and "Bond" keep appearing. Anyway, never mind the words - Icephoenix's excellent wraparound cover is enough reason to download the pdf.

Terminus, you're a brave man. Mind you don't nod off and miss your stop.

MattofSteel, the title's the best bit.

I'm with Joyce on this one - Hitch is far too modest and one of these days someone's going to have to serve him with one to the gut! In fact I'm waiting for a sequel to TWIMC.

Looking back I'm quite pleased with the cover I whipped up for TWIMC (see how it's done Hitch ) and would love to create another for any intended sequel!

[Helgi Briem]

I agree that Hitch is far too modest. His "crappy novella" is hands above all of the official Bond follow-ups as well as all of the movie treatments. It lacks a couple of elements, a real Bond villain and a real Bond girl, to name just two. That it succeeds despite this speaks to its quality.

I'm lying in bed sick today. Usually a sick day would find me reading a lot but I can't even find the energy to do that.

I won't be reading "Just Another Kill" until it's finished. I read much too fast (100-150 pages per hour) and I prefer to read the whole thing at a sitting. Anything else people would care to recommend? I prefer Bond set in the 50s or thereabouts. I don't really care for an updated Bond although I'll put up with it in the movies. I'm primarily into the literary Bond and I don't really connect him with the Bond(s) of the movies.

[Hitch]

Herein an entirely unforgiveable but, since drink-sodden, an entirely understandable bump.

Grammar is my natural enemy in the jungle.