Based on your post above, Loomis, you'd hate THE DA VINCI CODE. It's essentially a shaggy dog story, and the suspense come almost entirely of the Now we must find A, okay we've got it, where is B, perhaps it's over at C, let's get there quick variety. It's so simple, but it does work for about half of the book, by which point you don't care, are laughing at the characters, have solved all the terribly difficult puzzles they're taking pages to get to, and so on. At least I was. I'm glad I read it, though - it did teach me something about mass-market thrillers.
For superior and exciting beach reading, I'd recommend:
Anything in the Quiller series by Adam Hall: www.quiller.net for a list of the books. Hands down the most exciting series of spy novels ever written.
Anything by an Austrian writer called Johannes Mario Simmel, especially THE CAIN CONSPIRACY, THE CAESAR CODE, I CONFESS, THE BERLIN CONNECTION. Those aren't the original titles - they were translated and repackaged in the 70s to appeal to the Ludlum market. This guy has sold trillions of books in the German-speaking world.
SEVENTEEN MOMENTS OF SPRING, also called THE HIMMLER PLOY, by Julian Semenov (sometimes spelled Semyonov). Russia's answer to Bond. Again, has sold trillions - the TV series from it is still so popular that the streets of Moscow tend to be deserted when it's on.
ROGUE MALE by Geoffrey Household. Still exciting now, even though it was written in 1939. You know that scene where Owen hunts Bourne at some farmhouse at the end of the BOURNE IDENTITY? This book is like that, only 1300 times better.
For starters.

All are probably out of print (though easily found online - try abebooks.com), but what they all have in common is that they're very well-written but will have you reading them until dawn.