37 replies to this topic

[The Next Bond]

In a similar vein to the 'Describe your ideal Bond 21 thread', I thought it be a fun idea to outline our very worst fears for Bond 21. Mine are as follows...

TITLE: Never Die Again Tomorrow
BOND: Orlando Bloom/Heath Ledger
OTHERS: Joe Don Baker as Jack Wade
DIRECTOR: Paul Greengrass
SCREENPLAY: Purvis and Wade.
SCORE: Eric Serra.
PLOT: On his first ever mission, James Bond must use extreme sports and his youthful exuberance to defeat an evil rock band.

[Janus Assassin]

This wasn't really a nightmare, but I was thinking about a scene in which it was taken from the GoldenEye game in which Bond is in the egyptian level in which Bond has to step on the correct tiles to not get the GoldenGun... but rescue the girl that is tied up on the table there suffocating underneath the glass. And if he steps on the wrong tile... the guns will activate. Not a nightmare but a cool idea I had.

[Loomis]

BOND: Hugh Jackman.
OTHERS: Judi Dench, Samantha Bond, Colin Salmon, Joe Don Baker as Wade, Robbie Coltrane as Zukovsky.
DIRECTOR: Guy Ritchie.
SCREENPLAY: Purvis and Wade.
SCORE: David Arnold.
PLOT: Something to do with an anguished James Bond joining forces with an American "buttkicking babe" to take down a villain who just happens to be married to a woman 007 was once in love with. Plenty of scenes of confrontation between Bond and M, as well as wall-to-wall unnecessary so-called comic relief from Moneypenny, Q, Wade and Zukovsky, and colossal action scenes and explosions every two minutes.

[Qwerty]

Title: Anything with too many 'dies'
Bond: Orlando Bloom/Heath Ledger
Others: The MI6 staff having more screentime than ever before.

That's really all I can think of at the moment, I'm hoping we get a terrific film.

[ComplimentsOfSharky]

http://debrief.comma...topic=19980&hl=

It's the second to last post on this thread.

[Pussfeller]

TITLE: From Tomorrow With Death (or Die Another Day 2)
BOND: Robbie Williams
OTHERS: Joe Don Baker (Jack Wade), Judi Dench (M)
VILLAIN: Ice Cube (T-Bone)
HENCHMEN: Seth Green (Ratzo), Horatio Sanz (Fat ninja)
DIRECTOR: Lee Tamahori
SCREENPLAY: Purvis, Wade, and Eszterhaz.
SCORE: Eric Serra and the cast of STOMP
PLOT: After being brainwashed by evil agents during the pre-title scene (and following a title song by Aaron Carter), James Bond is dressed down by M, who now carries a bullwhip and calls herself "the mistress of discipline". Using only Q's magical invincibility serum and a highly publicized BMW, Bond must defeat the nefarious T-Bone, who is attempting to sell radioactive cocaine disguised as conflict diamonds--oh, and also, he's trying to take over the world using some sort of missile launching satellite thing. Anyway, he throws a lot of coke parties. Meanwhile, Bond must romance T-Bone's girlfriend Lacy Panties (name provided by Purvis), and use an atomic bomb to defeat an army of computer-generated James Bond clones (who all have hilarious high-pitched voices --Wade). In the spectacular all-CGI climax, Bond and Lacy escape T-Bone's burning sky fortress by hitching a ride on the villain's pimped-out winged motorcycle (which, coincidentally, also happens to be a BMW). Following a harrowing mid-air shootout, we find Bond and Lacy inexplicably sitting on an iceberg enjoying beluga caviar and champagne. Bond says something juvenile to provide closure, and we leave them to ostensibly have sex. As the credits roll, Eric Serra belts out a country-western song.
NOTES: Throughout the film, Bond will frequently consult his Seiko watch and repeatedly order vanilla-flavoured Skyy vodka. The tag of his Italian suit will be sticking out of his collar, so we can always tell what off-the-shelf Brand he's been stuffed into. Later in the film, he will use his Sprint mobile phone to text-message HQ, thus updating his stodgy image. Also, he will refer to this device as a "cellphone".

Edited by Pussfeller, 30 December 2004 - 08:23 PM.

[hrabb04]

Must See TV on NBC

David Schwimmer as James Bond.

[ComplimentsOfSharky]

Pussfeller, may no man ever dispute your comedic genius.

[Johnboy007]

TITLE: Death Dies Tomorrow
BOND: Hugh Jackman, Rikki Lee Travolta, or any of the other nonsense "candidates"
OTHERS: Madonna, Britney Spears
DIRECTOR: Lee Tamahori
SCREENPLAY: Neal Purvis and Robert Wade
SCORE: Eric Serra
PLOT: James Bond is sent to uncover a mysterious plot which has left several Double-Ohs dead, and could easily compromise Her Majesty's Government.

or

Some acronymed terrorist organization is going to steal the crown jewels, and assassinate the Queen, Prince Charles, Prince Harry & William at EuroDisney (Walt Disney is brought back from his rumoured cryogenic freezing to save his theme park).

[DavidSomerset]

Movie Title: Die Bond Die
Bond: Hugh Grant
Babe: Britney Spears (Bad babe-Czech), Mandy Moore (Good babe-Wholesome Midwestern)
Moneypenny - Terri Garr
M- Barbara Streisland
Villian - Rupert Everett
Script - Akiva Goldsman ( B& R)
Director - Paul "Soldier/AVP" Anderson
Music - Robbie Williams
Title Song - Britney Spears
Q-David Letterman

[zencat]

This time it's personal...

[Righty007]

Nightmare

Title: Live Another Year (2006)
Director: Lee Tamahori
James Bond: Orlando Bloom
Bond Girl: Halle Berry
M: Somebody other than Judi Dench
Moneypenny: Somebody other than Samantha Bond
Q: N/A
Chief of Staff: Colin Salmon as Robinson
Title Song Performer: Madonna
Screenplay: Neal Purvis and Robert Wade
Score: Eric Serra
Plot: Madonna returns as Verity.

Dream

Title: Casino Royale (2007)
Director: Martin Campbell
James Bond: Pierce Brosnan
Bond Girl: Somebody other than Halle Berry
M: Judi Dench
Moneypenny: Samantha Bond
Q: John Cleese
Chief of Staff: Micheal Kitchen as Bill Tanner
Title Song Performer: Shirley Bassey
Screenplay: Bruce Feirstein
Score: David Arnold
Plot: Based on Casino Royale.

[luciusgore]

Title: Die After Tomorrow

Star: Heath Ledger IS James Bond
Villain: Judi Dench IS M and the villain too
Director: Vic Armstrong
Score: David Arnold
Title Song: 50 Cent
Screenplay: Purvis and Wade

Storyline: DJ and extreme sports addict James Bond has just been recruited to become a "00" by M (Judi Dench) who is impressed with his extreme sports abilities. After being hired, he runs into conflicts with his new boss, M (played by Judi Dench), we aren't sure if he can trust her. He falls in love with another "00," but also has a thing going with a CIA agent. Bond learns in the last act that he's been betrayed by both his love interest "00" and it turns out that his boss, M, is also trying to set Bond up.

[Kristatos]

Title: Anything with "Dies"
Bond: Heath Ledger, Hugh Jackman,any US-Boy
Bondgirl: Madonna, Sharon Stone, Kim Basinger
Director: Martin Campbell
Composer: David Arnold
Plot: Atombombs, Laser, Satelites, Diamonds

Edited by Kristatos, 31 December 2004 - 12:57 PM.

[Jim]

Title: As with almost everyone here, anything with any variation on "die" or "dead" or "Wankel rotary engine".
James Bond: Pierce Brosnan
Villain: Anthony Hopkins
Woman: "She's just like a female Bond and can really hold her own; she has character development and [etc]" Character name: JewSee Kunntt (Swedish macromicrobiologist)
Plot: Oh, the usual rubbish but Anthony Hopkins' character is revealed to be Bond's father. That would be terrible.
M: Judi Dench. Joke's over.
Moneypenny: Thingy Bond. Joke never started.
Q: At all.
Token Black Man: Dame Kelly Holmes.
Weird cameo by "major" star bereft of acting talent: Pierce Brosnan.
Gadgets: Invisible one-man aeroplane and telescopic nose.
Music by: Thingummy, bloke they have churning them out at the moment. Time for a bit of a break.
Written by: The current apes.
Directed by: That french bloke what done Catwoman.
Produced by: The gruesome twosome.
Watched by: Easily impressed fourteen year-olds, spinsters and pederasts. And us.
Aimed at: The terminally moronic, and those dependent on lithium and blue Gatorade.
Cars: BMW carboatplanesubmarinehelicopterlawnmower
Product placement: Fison's Miracle-Gro TopRose.
Locations: Whatever they can make Pinewood "look like" this time. So, somewhere outside London. Again.
Pointless extreme sport sequence aimed at the young 'n' groovy with large disposable incomes and little artistic discrimation: Jenga.
"Real world" political issue used cynically, and with colossal ignorance, as backdrop to big explosions 'n' coooool stuff, like: Cornish independence.
Last line: "Spray me with your sticky white love piss!"
Tagline: "About as subtle as a good hard fisting".

[hrabb04]

Jim's love affair with all things Pierce Brosnan continues.

[Double-Oh-Zero]

Title: DADD (Die A Different Day)
Bond: Orlando Bloom and Hugh Jackman
Villain: Sean Connery (I don't care what anybody says, it'd be awful)
Bond Girl: Anyone who's won an Oscar; anyone who wants to be Bond's Equal
Other characters: Jack Wade, Felix Leiter (in a wheelchair), Judi Dench (swilling a pint of Guinness-more product placement), Tanner, Moneypenny, Robinson, and Damian Falco all appear in obligatory "Situation Room" scene, along with, oddly, Zukovsky.
Plot: A Godfather Part II approach of having a prequel within the film, with Bloom as the young lad and Jackman as today's Bond. Throw in some rubbish about a giant phallus-shaped space weapon from, I dunno, Alaska, and have Bond trundle around some dreary European city for no discernible reason, which is really the Pinewood backlot.
Writers: The No-So-Dynamic Duo
Director: Brett Ratner (not that I don't like the bloke, but keep him away)
Demographic: People with the combined attention span of a peanut
Car: That new car-boat thingie. Egads, that thing is horrid looking.
Gadgets: Golf ball that turns into an invisible helicopter, electric razor which doubles as a gizmo that shoots out darts, numbing the part of the body at which the darts are shot. Comedic follies ensue when one baddie tries to use it and gets a dart in the mouth. And one in the groin later on.
Locations: Alaska, and a dull city somewhere in Europe. Doesn't matter where. It'll be destroyed soon anyway by the reckless driving of Bond and the villain.
Title Song: Oh hell, just pick one of those nu-rock bands or cookie-cutter pop-singing birds who all sound identical and sing about the same drivel
Score: A joint "effort" between David Arnold, Eric Serra, and whichever idiot it was that collaborated with Madonna on her regrettable track
Release Date: 007/007/2007 Oh, come on, you know they'd just do it to death.

[00-FAN008]

DEATH DOESN'T DIE

Colin Farrell as James Bond 007

Britney Spears as Fektoria Velquest

Kevin Spacey as Lord Turner von Stallcock

Quentin Tarantino as Bradford Mach, CIA

DIRECTED BY UWE BOLL

Plot Summary:

On a secret dodo farm in the middle of Zombie Island, USA, Lord Turner von Stallcock is experimenting with nanotechnology! oooOOOhhh!!! I GIVE a ! He has a sinister plot to place LITTLE TINY ROBOTS in every COUNTRY KITCHEN BUFFET!!! After senior citizens ingest the robot-laced nourishments, the microbots will DESTROY the inner colonic wall. And with 1,000,000,000 senior citizens seeking proctological assistance at the sAmE tImE... the United States' PROCTOLOGY UNION... ... will go BANKRUPT!!! wOOOhOOOhHOOO!!!! And America's will be at the mercy of LORD TURNER VON STALLCOCK!!!

Alerted on vacation in a Taiwanese brothel, 007 has found a RASH!!! He cures the rash, and then he walks 500 miles to Q, where he finds out that his turnip farm is in grave danger. It seems the anally-fixated microbots have decided to use the farm as a TESTING GROUND for von Stallcock's nefarious scheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme!!! 007 grabs Russian agent Fektoria Velquest, and a Jackal 357 from GoldenEye: Rooogue Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagent, and hops in his Porsche Cayenne from Gaylord Everything Or Nothing to save octogeneric intestines from fibral abrasion!!!

Interesting SCENES...

There is a funny scene where 007 takes his Walther PeePeeKay and shoots at bullet proof glass with TWO HANDS... and Willem Dafoe turns around and says in a phony Russian accent, "You're going to have to try better than that!!! It's bullet-proof!!!"

In this film, Q (played by oh... oh... oh... oh let's say Carrot TOP yes!) introduces 007 to a new device called a rappel, which Bond uses more than several times in the film. In fact, half the flipping fudging film is that of Farrell himself figging down a skyscraper like a figgy with an MP-figK!
!!!WhOO-pAh-dee-DOOH!!!

Britney Spears plays an "exotic" Russian spy... even though she has an AMERICAN ACCENT. She has very bad one-liners like "I am a spy!" and "I am a Russian spy! *Giggle*! "

In the end of the movie

/spoiler.gif

Bond shoots Stallcock in the head! And that's it! That's all! Best movie ending ever!

/gen_line.gif

TITLE SONG "INVADING YOU" PERFORMED BY JOHN LOUGIE AND THE BASTARDS

[sidney reilly]

[quote name='The Next Bond' date='30 December 2004 - 18:01']
In a similar vein to the 'Describe your ideal Bond 21 thread', I thought it be a fun idea to outline our very worst fears for Bond 21.

As you wish...

Title: Tomorrow Is Another Day
Director: Simon West
Bond: Billy Bob Thornton
The Producers: Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick

In short there

Edited by sidney reilly, 03 January 2005 - 12:47 AM.

[ComplimentsOfSharky]

[quote name='sidney reilly' date='2 January 2005 - 23:35']


Bond Girls: Moonbeam McSwoon / Jailbait DeFlower (Lindsey Lohan/ Hillary Duff)
With special appearance by Sandra Bernhardt as Labia Menorah, Colonel Sandhurst

[M_Balje]

Title: Gremlins 3
James Bond: John Travolta
Directer: Joe Dante
Villain: The Talking Gremlin who look like on Roger Moore from Gremlins 2
Woman: Uma Thurman,Michelle Pfeiffer,Halle Barry
M: Michael Madsen
Moneypenny: Phoebe Cates
Q: Danny DeVito
Tanner: Zach Galligan
Robinson: Samuel Jackson
Henchman: Gremlins
Cameo by: K3 & Mr Bean
Title song: The Prodegy,Ramstein & Gremlins
Gadget: Talking Shrunken head
Music by: The official music from Gremlins(Jerry Goldsmith)& K3
Written by: Chris Columbus
Produced by: Quentin Tarantino
Product placement: K3,The Talking Gremlin & Gremlins

[Sam Fisher]

Title: "Kill Bond until He dies, and if he doesn't die then he can die another day because tomorrow never dies so says Dr. Goldfinger who knows the world isn't enough when you can die die die on the moonraker."

James Bond: Adrian Paul

Villains : Sean Connery reprising his role in The Avengers
The governor of California as the terminator who freezes people
William Shatner as mirror mirror James T Kirk
Drunken chain smoking kung fu monkies
Disgruntled postmen and two fat women.


Theme song: Duet by David Hasselhoff and WIlliam Shatner


Bond Girl: Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake

Same extra cast as usual.

Plot: James Bond is a sword weilding maniac who thinks he's immortal and he has to defeat the badguys to save the world involving satellites, cheesy villians from other movies who jump ut of movie screens and take over the world with drunken chain smoking kung fu monkies and salmon with laser beams attached to thier heads

and I HATE Adrian Paul, anyone who wants him as bond doesn't really understand Bond.

Edited by Sam Fisher, 03 January 2005 - 07:49 AM.

[spynovelfan]

Title: Casino Royal (final 'e' dropped because it sounded too French to US test audiences)
James Bond: Adrian Paul, Skeet Ulrich, Corey Haim and Jennifer Jason Leigh share the role
Villains: Norah Jones (playing May Day's daughter), Uma Thurman and Jewel
M: Roger Moore, in an hilarious cameo
Moneypenny: Sienna Miller
Director: Paul Thomas Anderson
Screenplay: Purvis and Wade
Title song: Limp Bizkit
Gadget: Invisible Bonds

[KPDQ]

TITLE: Never Say Die Twice Tomorrow in the Casino Royale: The Musical
JAMES BOND: Rikki Lee Travolta and Hugh Jackman play a singing, dancing Siamese Twins version of James Bond
VILLIANS: Nathan Lane as a cross dressing reincarnation of Goldfinger and Meatloaf as Odd Job

[HawkEye007]

TITLE: Never Die Today Or The Next Day
JAMES BOND: David Hasselhoff
VILLAINS: Robin Williams as Dr. NoNo and Nathan Lane as his, uh, 'partner' Octavius (roles very similar to their roles in "The Birdcage").
GIRLS: Pamela Anderson as Goldi Licks, and Monica Lewinsky as Ivana Blowe.
M: Jerry Lewis as Judi Dench's wacky twin brother and replacement.
Q: Adam Sandler
CAR: VW Beetle
DIRECTOR: Adam Sandler
SCREENPLAY: Purvis and Wade
TITLE SONG: something by Britney Spears and Lyndsay Lohan (a duet!!)
GADGET: Inflatable swim trunks.
MAIN PREMISE: 007 goes undercover as a lifeguard to stop Dr. NoNo and Octavius from taking over South Beach with their Fabulous Cronies.
LOCATIONS: All over South Beach (which could be simulated in Pinewood.)
TAGLINE: Bond has never been more fabulous!

[hrabb04]

Richard Grieco as James Bond in If Looks Could Kill

(looks at TV Guide listing and slaps himself over the head)

[Bon-san]

Title: The Bond Ultimatum; any permutation of "Die"; or any of John Gardner's titles.
James Bond: Any performer out to make Bond hip or edgy; likewise anyone who wants to "take it back to Fleming"
Villain: No Brits this time, eh?
Birds: Lets give the Americans a rest. Unless it's Amanda Peet (who has my permission to slap Bond around a bit before she herself gets a little spanking)
M: James Villiers
Moneypenny: Cate Blanchett
Q: For Heaven's sake, please no outfitting 007 in the field, OK?
Tanner: James Villiers (just making sure)
Music: If you continue to avoid the brassy stuff, I'll hunt you down and kick your @$$.
Theme Song: Please avoid using anyone under 30 years of age.
Teaser: No more than 10 minutes. Firm.
Tone: For duck's sake, be consistent. Make a romp, make a thriller (that would be nice, wouldn't it?), make an homage, even. But stay in one bloody genre, please!
Plot: Heed the aforementioned, and I really don't much worry about the story. But it might be nice to hire someone new. Purvis and Wade, well they've had their kicks, and it's time to take a nap now boys.
Fadeout: The double entendre is a perfectly acceptable iconic gesture. But if the dialogue is cringeworthy even to 12 year old boys, brainstorm some more.

[David Schofield]

For These Trees We Die


Young military intelligence officer James Bond (Colin Farrell) is recruited from the deck of a floating-bar off Ibiza where he has been relaxing after the war in Iraq and forced by M (Edward Woodward) to join the British secret service to investigte the west shortaage of paper. Bond meets in Marrakech (why not, its a stone grove?) Sting (who also conributed the theme song and his fee to Native South Americans who promptly bought houses near Vegas) as agent Timothy Nigels who is on the trail of American paper billioniare Zach Xavier (Billy Bob Thornton). Nigel - naturally - is killed and Bond and Nigel's naturally CIA undercover contact (Kestrel Blazer?) follow the trail to Xavier's rainforest escape in Brazil where, afer a game of monoloply and special cigarretes Bond confronts Xavier in the rainforest in a deadly came of prat and bigger prat. Kestrel meanwhile is in an unbelievablly escapable situation from which she cant esacpe. Ultimately, Bond defeats Xavier and is relaxing in a glade with Kestrel when Jim (yes, Jim) Wade (Tom Arnold) arrives with the entire US army. Or so he thinks.

Edited by David Schofield, 05 January 2005 - 09:35 PM.

[MI-6 Director]

Film Title: The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies Another Day Of The Jackal
Title Song: Courtney Love
Bond Girl: Anna Nicole Smith
James Bond: Daniel Radcliffe
Bond Villain: Andy Dick
Moneypenny: Britney Spears
M: Elizabeth Taylor
Film Location: Wyoming and only Wyoming (anybody here from Wyoming? )

[Pussycat]

You're cracking me up MI-6

LOL

Love your casting!