7111 replies to this topic

[Gabe Vieira]

I know that this is bad timing, but this pic is freakin' funny as Hell.

[Gabe Vieira]

The Democratic Party: The party of no ideas.

The Republican Party: The party of bad ideas.

[Tanger]

Zorbees.

[Gabe Vieira]

Zorbees.

I don't know why "zorbees" is so funny, but I just broke out laughing. Thanks for that, Tanger.

[Tanger]

Pleasure.

[Tanger]

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Matt O'S oo4]

Hmmm.

Not random enough.

004

[Gabe Vieira]

I you ever touch me again, I will kill your face so hardcore and punch your throught right the Hell off your body. Now go get me some friggin' bagels, Phil!

[Gabe Vieira]

The official rules for Wedding Crashing.

Rule #1 - Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.
Rule #2 - Never use your real name.
Rule #3 - Never confess.
Rule #4 - No one goes home alone.
Rule #5 - Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher.
Rule #6 - Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Rule #7 - Blend in by standing out.
Rule #8 - Be the life of the party.
Rule #9 - Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
Rule #10 - Invitations are for pussies.
Rule #11 - Sensitive is good.
Rule #12 - When it stops being fun, break something.
Rule #13 - Bridesmaids are desperate - console them.
Rule #14 - You're a distant relative of a dead cousin.
Rule #15 - Fight the urge to tell the truth.
Rule #16 - Always have an up-to-date family tree.
Rule #17 - Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
Rule #18 - You love animals and children.
Rule #19 - Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
Rule #20 - Always have an early "appointment" the next morning.
Rule #21 - Definitely make sure she's 18.
Rule #22 - You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime.
Rule #23 - There's nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there's enough women to go around.
Rule #24 - If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run.
Rule #25 - You understand she heard that but that's not what you meant.
Rule #26 - Of course you love her.
Rule #27 - Don't over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
Rule #28 - Make sure there's an open bar.
Rule #29 - Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
Rule #30 - Know the playbook so you can call an audible.
Rule #31 - If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow Crashers know.
Rule #32 - Don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
Rule #33 - Never go back to your place.
Rule #34 - Be gone by sunrise.
Rule #35 - Breakfast is for closers.
Rule #36 - Your favorite movie is "The English Patient".
Rule #37 - At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
Rule #38 - Never hit on the bride! It's a one-way ticket to the pavement.
Rule #39 - The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
Rule #40 - Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you're "sweet."
Rule #41 - Never hit on the bride -- it's a one way ticket to the pavement
Rule #42 - Try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.
Rule #43 - At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.
Rule #44 - Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after. But don't talk about it.
Rule #45 - Always remember your fake name! Rehearse it in advance and make sure you know your fellow Crasher's code-name as well!
Rule #46 - The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don't sully them by "improvising."
Rule #47 - You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
Rule #48 - Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fianc

[Gabe Vieira]

[Dalton's Wendy]

The official rules for Wedding Crashing.

Rule #10 - Invitations are for pussies.

Rule #19 - Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.

Rule #38 - Never hit on the bride! It's a one-way ticket to the pavement.

Rule #43 - At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.

Rule #49 - Always work into the conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?"

Rule #58 - The Ferrari's in the shop.

Rule #60 - No "chicken dancing" - no exceptions.

Rule #83 - Don't let the ring bearer bum your smokes. His parents may start to ask questions.

Rule #97 - Catholic weddings - the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony - horny girls.

Rule #98 - The newspaper Wedding Announcements are your racing form. Choose carefully.

Rule #114 - 3-4 months to wedding crash--funerals are year round!

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!!! -- and the kind of thing that makes me very happy I woke up this morning! Have been ROFLMAO for past hour!

My cousin and I were pro wedding crashers for ages -- years before the movie came out! Trouble was, he and I were always the best-looking couple at the wedding.

Our career came to a somewhat inglorious end, however, when, one night, my cousin broke your Rule #38 above . . .

[Agent 76]

[Tanger]

Isn't ham nice.

[Gabe Vieira]

Do you think Qwerty's ever been intimate with a lady?

That depends on one's definition of "intimate".

But I'm sure that he has.

[Gabe Vieira]

Donald Duck never wears pants. But when he comes out of the shower, he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that!?

[Gabe Vieira]

What, like the back seat of a Volkswagen?

[Gabe Vieira]

Isn't ham nice.

Uh, what happened to - never mind.

[Tanger]

A guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit. Lime coloured trousers,a puff sleeved lavender shirt, an ascot, etc. So he asks his friend, "What in the world is wrong with you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears and buys me c*cksucker suit."

[Gabe Vieira]

A guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit. Lime coloured trousers,a puff sleeved lavender shirt, an ascot, etc. So he asks his friend, "What in the world is wrong with you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears and buys me c*cksucker suit."

Bloody brilliant!

[Gabe Vieira]

Bond's Drink of Choice a.k.a. The Vesper

Three measures of gin (Gordon's is preferred)
One measure of vodka (Russian or Polish is preferred)
and half a measure of Kina Lillet aperitif
Shake until ice-cold
Add a large, thin slice of lemon peel

[Bon-san]

David Letterman giving a rashion to Bill O'Reilly on The Late Show. Priceless.

[Gabe Vieira]

Go search "difficult schedule" on Google, and notice the frist thing that Goolge finds. And I'm from Pittsburgh!

[Agent 76]

[Dalton's Wendy]

A guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit. Lime coloured trousers,a puff sleeved lavender shirt, an ascot, etc. So he asks his friend, "What in the world is wrong with you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears and buys me c*cksucker suit."

What is really funny about this story is that there actually was a mens' wear store called "Cox' Mens' Wear", owned by a guy named Jim Cox, in Erie, Pennsylvania.

[Dalton's Wendy]

David Letterman giving a rashion to Bill O'Reilly on The Late Show. Priceless.

Everything Letterman says is priceless!

I loved, a few months back, when one of his Top Ten Lists included the reason that "The President was speaking into the wrong end of the telephone at the time." If anyone remembers the beginning of this list, I would be very grateful.

[Judo chop]

I was curious to see what the definition of an "internet troll" was. (CBN is the first and only chatroom I participate in, so I wanted to make sure I understood the rules of 'netiquette'.) From my search I found this excerpt and it (particularly the 2nd sentence) totally reminded me of a line from the Terminator!:

Trolls are utterly impervious to criticism (constructive or otherwise). You cannot negotiate with them; you cannot cause them to feel shame or compassion; you cannot reason with them. They cannot be made to feel remorse.

I had no idea. Scary .

[Gabe Vieira]

Some facts about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are the trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word "hunt" infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn

[Bon-san]

John Roberts =

Sam Alito =


Coke =

Pepsi =


Ice in my drink =

Ice on the road =


Ted Kennedy = (c'mon, for the comedy value, at least)

The Kennedy Compound =

[Gabe Vieira]

George H.W. Bush =
George W. Bush =

Jack Bauer =
Kim Bauer =

McDonalds =
Burger King =

Jerome Bettis; one more year =
Jerome Bettis; exit stage left =

Matt Damon =
Ben Whofleck =

Dr. Weird =
Spacecataz =

[Agent 76]