The Random Thread of Randomness

OBSERVATIONS BY PETER KAY

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
Thyroid
problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go
swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get
on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it
was
sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
Said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a
fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. .

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

11) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am ...

#3571 bill007

#3572 00Twelve

#3573 Qwerty

#3574 Santa

#3575 Qwerty

#3576 killkenny kid

#3577 Blofeld's Cat

#3578 Qwerty

#3579 killkenny kid

#3580 mrsbonds_ppk

#3581 Qwerty

#3582 Santa

#3583 bill007

#3584 Santa

#3585 Qwerty

#3586 Johnboy007

#3587 Qwerty

#3588 Johnboy007

#3589 Qwerty

#3590 killkenny kid

#3591 mrsbonds_ppk

#3592 Qwerty

#3593 killkenny kid

#3594 00Twelve

#3595 Judo chop

#3596 00Twelve

#3597 Qwerty

#3598 killkenny kid

#3599 Santa

#3600 Qwerty