RIP James Bond: killed by political correctness and an overdose of oestrogen.
The trailer for the new Bond movie Skyfall has landed– and it looks rubbish. Sorry, but Bond ain’t Bond unless he’s flying into space with a Russian minx called Tatyana Innerthigh on a deadly mission to kill a fat bald man with a cat.
-Okay, so by his standards, they must cast Dr. Evil, I mean Ernst Stavro Blofield again in order for it to be a true Bond film when this has already been done several times in the older films. Sorry multi-nominated cinematographer Roger Deakins work on Skyfall has not impressed him by his own standards.The rot set in with the casting of Daniel Craig. Things had been going a little haywire since the late 1980s, when the producers first caved into the non-existent popular demand for political correctness. But being the 1980s, they interpreted that to mean people would like to see beautiful ladies with big chests occasionally firing a gun (Hell, yeah!). Then along came Pierce Brosnan and things returned to their campy natural order. “I thought Christmas only came once a year,” etcetera, etcetera.
-So casting Craig has contributed to what he believe is it's "Downfall". He must be someone who regularly goes on danielcraigisnotbond.com.But Craig was all wrong for the part and signalled the intention of the moviemakers to turn Bond into Raymond Chandler without the laughs. They fail to pull it off because the pressure to sell theatre tickets means they have to betray their own vision. So, on the one hand we have Bond going to psychiatrists, emoting, feeling pain, getting angry, breaking fingers, pulling out a man’s spleen with his teeth, yada yada. On the other hand, we have him leaping 30 foot chasms, turning cars upside down, or sinking half of Venice. Through it all there’s the mawkish “family” of MI6, headed by Judi “Brave But Fragile” Dench. Bernard Lee’s “M” was a gruff Head Boy. Dench is a prissy school mistress with a crush on one of her pupils – Grazia Magazine’s idea of a strong woman.
-So tickets have a hard time selling because of Craig. Both his films have grossed well over $550 million. 'Nuff said. The fact he's now redirecting himself to Judi Dench proves he just wants his fame and does nothing more than to troll.As for Craig himself, his body is all wrong. Roger Moore’s body was always that of a slightly overweight middle-aged man with a taste for brandy and cigars. He probably required a stunt double for strenuous walking. Connery, whilst lithe to begin with, was a hairy bread pudding by the early 1970s (hairy everywhere but his head). There’s a scene in Diamonds Are Forever where the delicious Jill St John (who also bedded Henry Kissinger) looks at the naked Connery and says, “Why James, there’s more to you than meets the eye.” Yeah, about 4 stone I’d imagine.
Connery and Moore played their parts in an age when character trumped looks and women were encouraged to find a man attractive well into his seventies. They might have had prostate trouble, but they also had wit and charm. And we, the heterosexual men for whom these movies are made, could watch them and aspire to be them. For the price of a safari jacket, at least.
-Someone tell Daniel Craig he must grow chest hair and that he can no longer work out for Bond films. He can no longer have a lean body type because of the characters military background. Sure who here wouldn't want to be Bond? When Craig's bond isn't hunting down bomb makers and having stairwell fights wit Ugandan terrorists he could be a charm(no joke either).By contrast, Daniel Craig is the Bond for the Men’s Health Magazine generation – an absurd body that no human being could replicate squeezed into a pair of orange trunks. Gentlemen, Bond has been stolen from us and redesigned to appeal to women. In order to keep the men glued to their seats, the producers throw in lashings of sadistic violence. Without innuendo, Bond has thus become violent feminine pørn. It’s not much fun unless you’re into hard pecs and snapped necks.
-Daniel Craig is in shape not to better himself, he could give a damn if wanted to. He got thin for Cowboys & Aliens because real Cowboys weren't bulky ripped men, they were skinny men who can drink and shoot up your saloon. Once he gets into Bond, he means it by working his ![[censored]](https://debrief.commanderbond.net/topic/61487-official-skyfall-teaser-trailer/style_emoticons/default/censored.gif)
off to get into top shape and to be physically able at his age to do the things he can. It's not hard, but it's not easy to get the body he had. Weather its being very muscular in Casino Royale, slightly thinner and less built in Quantum Of Solace, or lean and toned in Skyfall. There's nothing wrong with taking a man having him appeal to women, women have begun to like this new Bond because of its realism and how it's a real man being thrown into real dangers. To this day, there hasn't been a single blood pack used in shootouts for Bond films. The reason Bond is violent is because of who he is. While his methods are extreme, He saved lives by stopping a terrorist who was planning on taking out an airplane at Miami Airport. Craig's Bond is leaning more towards the way Fleming had envisioned him. Cold blooded, trained killer, spy.How to rescue the series, if we must? Follow this simple formula.
1) Replace Daniel Craig with a slightly older, arthritic actor with a twinkle in his eye. Frankly, I think Roger Moore could still do it.
-See my previous post about Liam Neeson2) Think big. Have Bond save the world from a giant death ray on Mars. And make sure the villain goes waaaay over budget on uniforms.
-Sorry, this isn't a Michael Bay film.
3) Give the evil mastermind a strong foreign accent and a parrot.
-An evil pirate in a Woody Allen film? Better cast Vincent Cassel for the part!4) Don’t forget that beyond all this War on Terror stuff, Britain’s nemesis is always Russia. So lots of blonde women in KGB uniforms.
-I'll make sure to tell Mikey G to order extra crates of blonde wigs.5) Replace the unfunny John Cleese with Rolf Harris.
-John Cleese was replaced, a little late on that one.6) More girls, more guns and a piranha tank
-Let's have the entire budget dedicated to that and not focus on plot or character development.Modern moviemakers increasingly don’t understand what the movies are for. They’re about the creation and nurturing of myth. Folks buy movie tickets to see Johnny Weissmuller swinging through the trees, Raquel Welch fight a pterodactyl, or Beatty and Dunaway evaporate in a hail of bullets. They don’t pay to watch someone else’s idea of what is clever or “zeitgeist defining.” We want magic and mystery. We want invisible cars and Union Jack parachutes. We want Roger Moore. We want the biggest, we want the best, we want Bond. And beyond.
-In that case, I don't go into a movie wanting a Christmas list to be fulfilled with it. I go, forget about all outside business, and get sunken into the film and enjoy it. I haven't walked into a film with low expectations since Fast Five and came out entertained as hell. The biggest, the Best, The Bond we all know and love is coming. November 9th/October 26th.Aside from this, how about those coffins TheCasinoRoyale?
Edited by x007AceOfSpades, 23 May 2012 - 03:43 PM.
