7 replies to this topic

[iexpectu2die]

Hi guys,

 

I'm about to enter a pretty prestigious stand-up comedy competition. Throughout the act I remind the audience that I'm a huge James Bond fan.

 

Towards the end, I tell the audience that I'm going to try out a new genre of comedy called 'James Bond Humour'. The intro goes something like this:

 

I'm about to try out a new genre of comedy, invented by myself. I might have mentioned that I'm quite a big James Bond fan. This new genre of comedy is called 'James Bond Humour'. It's still in its early stages. but as you seem a nice audience so I thought I'd try it out tonight. It's aimed mainly at James Bond fans, specifically members of online web forum commanderbond.net but anybody can enjoy it. Have we got any members of commanderbond.net in tonight? No? Okay. Well anybody can enjoy it, you don't have to be a Bond fan, I've tried to keep it accessible. Here goes:

 

And at this point I want to tell some 'jokes' that ONLY the most hardcore Bond fans would get. Ridiculously obscure references, facts, things guaranteed to be met with silence. It basically needs to be terrible - it needs to fail. I need to stand at the front, laughing at these geeky references by myself. That's where I need your help! Can you think of any ridiculous 'jokes' that only Bond fans would understand? I could come up with some myself but I thought, as I mention CBn in the set, maybe you guys could help me come up with the jokes!

 

Thanks guys, I'll let you know how it goes!

Edited by iexpectu2die, 02 June 2013 - 02:07 PM.

[Hansen]

You could have a blank there and then ask : Do you expect me to talk ?

[iexpectu2die]

You could have a blank there and then ask : Do you expect me to talk ?

 

 

Superb. 

[jmarks4life]

How bout referencing "You know nothing Mr Bond" also by Goldfinger?

[AMC Hornet]

Which is the only Bond theme song to mention an American beer by name?

"From Russia With Love, I fly to you. Budweiser since my goodbye to you..."

 

Who's this pregnant Minerva that a-ha sings about in The Living Daylights?

"Hey driver, where we going? I swear Minerva's showing..."

 

(More top come, if you can stand it.)

[Dustin]

"The name is Aitken. Harry Aitken." Few people will get that.

[AMC Hornet]

Will 007 ever go grey?

"No, Mr. Bond - I expect you to dye!"

"I guess I'll dye another grey, it's not my time to go..."

[Dan Gale]

Who's Roger Moore's favourite classical composer?
Oct-Debussy.

If someone shouts out 'Oct-Debussy' before you get a chance to say it (unlikely, I know), you can say 'No, Bach. Barbara Bach."

Either punchline is guaranteed no response - apart from the sound of people getting up and leaving.

Which actor do you get if you mix lyricist Don Black with tycoon Willard Whyte?

Charles Gray.

Because Black + White = Grey.

It's a cracker.

Where will James Bond go when he dies?
To the Double 0's Heaven.

At this point, you may want to put on some Kevlar before returning on stage.

How does the Queen like her naughty midnight snacks given to her by her butler?
On her majesty's secret serving tray.

Arf.

Edited by Dan Gale, 03 June 2013 - 03:49 PM.