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[triviachamp]

This is my somewhat tongue-in cheek look at what Bond 24 should be.

Edit: Erm have to highlight the text for some reason...?

THE HILDEBRANDT RARITY


The gunbarrel will iris out on to the desert of some unnamed Middle Eastern Country. *cough* Iran *cough* At a desert facility the security guards patrolling the perimeter (one of whom will be played by Miguel Sandoval) will become suspicious when they hear a jingle in the distance. With their guns ready they see the noise is coming from a cow. They guards start laughing while the cow moves closer to them. Suddenly a human arm comes from the cow and starts punching the guards out. The ‘cow’ removes its head to reveal: James Bond! He quips “Sorry to beHOOVE you!” while punching another guard. While fighting the other guards he will make more quips (“I’m just inspecting your MOOcular facility”, “Can you STEER me in the right direction”, “Gird your SIRloins”, etc.). After knocking out the last guard (Sandoval’s character) he takes off his costume to reveal what else but a tuxedo. He then quips “You are an UDDER disgrace.”

Using his piton gun he sneaks into the nuclear facility where he sets a bomb. The guards spot him and a firefight breaks out. Eventually he runs onto an airfield and hijacks a jet fighter that is taking off by running up to it. The plant guards fire a SAM at Bond who also sees that there are four fighter jets coming at him from both directions. In addition he sees that he is running out of fuel since the firefight punctured the fuel tanks. He blows off the canopy and jumps on the missile. The other fighter jets crash into each other and blow up. Bond is able to aim the missile at the plant and jumps off it. The missile strikes the plant and blows it up. Bond is in freefall until he lands on a cloud. A hatch opens and he goes down to reveal that the cloud is in fact an MIA craft. The operator Fellatia Titzase (Dakota Blue Richards) berates Bond for being late. Bond prepares a vodka martini and talks about how he set back the uranium enrichment process by several years. He then gets her in an embrace. Cut to the titles sequence. The title song “Hildebrandt Rarity” will be sung by Lady Gaga.

After the titles the film cuts to Rome. In the streets a man played by Warwick Davis is running through the streets in a panic. He eventually runs into an opera house when he covered by a swarm of bees.

In London Bond flirts with Miss Moneypenny (Helen Mirren) before going to meet M (John Hurt) and the Minister of Defence (Ian Holm) and is informed of the agent’s death by Africanized Honey Bees. Bond of course knows everything about killer bees. Said agent was investigating the effects of gamma rays on man-in-the-moon marigolds.

Bond meets Q (James Cromwell) and is given a car with missiles, oil slicks, etc. He is also given a bear costume with protection from bees and is equipped with a poison stinger and a gun. Other gadgets included a moose costume with antlers filled with missiles, a laser watch and a special form of “protection.” Q is exasperated by Bond’s antics says “If you keep this up my barely repressed hostility will soon EXPRESS itself.”

He then goes to his flat and meets his housekeeper May (Maggie Smith) before leaving for Rome, but not before going to the casino to play baccarat.

Cut to Rome where he meets Interpol agent Aubergine (Jean Dujardin). He goes to the opera house and finds that the only witness to the death was a British expatriate played by Deanna Durbin. Bond meets her at her apartment and, what else, has sex with her. He finds a dead bee in her apartment. With Aubergine he finds that the bee was bred at an African bee hive run by Rimsky-Korsakov Industries (RKI).

In Africa he goes to the beehive, an all female facility, run by Miss Cummingwell (Leelee Sobiesky) and sleeps with her. Suspicious of the beehive he sneaks into it by using his bear costume. He finds designs for a giant wicker man to be used for human sacrifice. Then the bees are released and attack a group of wouldbee (haha) investors, among them Nic Cage. Still in his bear costume Bond beats up the female guards. He then confronts Cummingwell and dropkicks her several times. He quips “I’m still pretty MAD ABOUT YOU,” “This is AS GOOD AS IT GETS”, “people who live in GLASS HOUSES shoudn’t burn WICKER MEN.” “I’m going to COME and get you soon” etc. He uses the poison stinger to hit her in the mouth when she pulls a gun on his him. Turns out her open mouth is the right size for him…

He gets a new tip that leads him to the old heiress of RKI in Dussedolf (Luise Rainer). He sleeps with her, obviously. Turns out she sold the company to a multi-billionaire Evelyn Deville (Ben Stein). An attempt is made to kill Bond at Oktoberfest by a man in drag with poisoned breasts. He beats him/her up with a giant pretzel. He then is abducted by CIA agents dressed in lederhosen. At the safehouse (an unused sausage factory) he meets Felix Leiter (William Shatner) and Bond informs Leiter of his plan to confront Deville, annoy the out of him and hope that Deville will try to kill him which will prove that he is in fact evil.

Bond goes to Deville’s giant estate in the Brazilian rainforest. A giant party is being thrown for Deville as he announces his new social media device TWITBOOK. There Bond meets Deville’s henchpeople: his chauffeur Hans (Peter Dinklage), his fashion consultant Avon Calling (Lady Gaga, providing her own costumes), his body guard Redrum “Red” D’Eath (Elle Fanning) and his personal trainer Mr. Kyl (John Kyl). Bond calls the last Mr. Kill. Also he meets one of Deville’s business partners Miranda “Randy” Sloot (Kiera Knightley) who is at first standoffish towards Bond. Bond informs her that his favourite TV show is the BIG BANG theory and his favourite Book is Dickens’s HARD TIMES and he hopes to one day read GREAT EXPECTATIONS.

Bond starts to annoy the out of Deville, mentioning bees and such and showing off his knowledge of rare Brazilian plants and of course wine. He flirts with Avon Calling and Red D’Eath. He has sex with the former. Other guests include Snooki and the Situation.

Eventually Bond agrees to join Deville’s euchre game. Bond wins a lot of money from the high stakes euchre game. Deville says “I hope you spend your money wisely Mr. Bond, it may be your last.” Bond gives up the money in exchange for a dance with Sloot. She informs him that she is an undercover reporter and that Deville is secretly planning to change TWITBOOK all the time in order to annoy people and to distract people from the fact that he is going to buy the Hildebrandt Rarity. Deville informs Calling and D’Eath that he wants them to let Bond and Sloot return to their hotel and kill them. Kyl asks if he thinks Bond is British Secret Service. Deville says he is but he wants Bond dead because he is extremely annoying and has very bad taste. They retire to her hotel room and have sex when Sloot is killed by Red D’Eath through a poison custard pie to the face. She also releases a giant platypus to kill Bond. Bond kills it though.

A chase scene commences with Bond’s car destroying his pursuers. He meets Leiter and tells him that his plan worked and that Deville is evil. Bond then asks Leiter about the Hildebrandt Rarity. Turns out it is a rare meteorite found in Australia a century ago and its ownership is disputed by the two daughters of the finder.

Bond travels to Australia to find the estate of the Allcrooke (pronounced Ah Crikey) sisters (Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine). There he encounters Randy Sloot (Natalie Portman)! Turns out that the woman he thought was Randy was her sister Katharine “Catty” Sloot going under cover. The real Randy Sloot is also trying to buy the Hildebrandt Rarity for the FSB. Bond has sex with her. Then there is a scene where Bond boxes several kangaroos sent to kill him. He disguises himself as a moose to defeat an attempt the steal the Hildebrandt Rarity

He meets the bickering Allcrooke sisters and has a threeway with them and they agree to let him have the Hildebrandt Rarity. After this victory he goes to his hotel to find Red D’Eath naked in his bed. Turns out she really wants Bond. He agrees and they have sex. During that act his penis is trapped in a device. Turns out Red D’Eath has prepared her own Vagina Dentata! Thanks to Q’s “protection” Bond’s manhood is saved. Alas D’Eath has also drugged his vodka martini and Bond collapses.

Bond wakes up to find that he and Randy Sloot have been captured by Evelyn Deville. At a lavish dinner with Deville, Bond and Sloot are informed of Deville’s sinister plan: he is funding his own lunar flight so he can write his own name on the Lunar Surface. With his name of the lunar surface the Earth will be too distracted twitting it on TWITBOOK that he will be able to take over the world.

For his lunar flight Deville has been able to get two famous guests to join him: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin! Michael Collins doesn’t count.

Deville leaves Bond and Sloot to be killed by being forced to watch the Quantum of Solace endlessly. They escape because Bond uses his laser watch. He has a fight with Kyl and kills him by throwing him into a piranha pit.

The two of them sneak on to one of Deville’s spacecraft. He of course wears a tuxedo beneath his spacesuit. Of the lunar they find that the moon in fact has a breathable atmosphere. Aldrin and Armstrong admit that they never knew because they were on a soundstage in Nevada and that a British secret agent stole their moonbuggy that they had just repainted.

Going underground Deville then meets the Selenite King (voiced by Edward Fox) and his Field Marshal (voiced by James Fox). This insectoid race lost their crown jewels in a meteorite centuries ago. That was the Hildebrandt Rarity and Deville acquired it so he can return it to Selenites in exchange for their cooperation. Also he brought Armstrong and Aldrin to the Selenites so they can be punished for their phony trespassing on the lunar surface.

Bond and Sloot sneak to the radio station and send an emergency message to Earth but are captured.

They are taken to the Selenite King and Deville. Turns out Deville in addition to writing his name on the name also is league with the Selenite King to use their Death Ray to blow up the Earth. The crown jewels are needed to power the weapon. The Selenite King is upset that the Earth blocks his view of Venus. The remaining humans will be used as slave labour.

While the Death Ray is being prepared to fire, Avon Calling begins to have doubts. “Earth has all my stuff!” she complains. Deville points out that she knew everything so why is she now having doubts? Then the Space Marines are launched and being to approach the lunar surface. The Selenite King orders his men to open fire.

She lets Bond and Sloot go and Avon Callings blows herself up which also causes the Selenite defenses to blow up. The Space Marines arrive and a big battle happens. They are lead by William Hung and Leiter and Aubergine are with him.

Leiter has a fistfight with the Selenite King, getting his shirt torn, before killing him. William Hung’s character uses his space laser to kill a bunch of baddies. Aubergine shoots a bunch of Selenites and their Field Marshal. Armstrong and Aldrin kick .

Bond follows Deville, with the death ray controller and button to set off the explosives to write his name, aboveground. A big low gravity fight occurs at the Apollo 11 landing site. The two jump in the air and through dust at each other, etc. Eventually Bond kills Deville by impaling him the American flag from Apollo 11.

Red D’Eath and Randy Sloot also have a big low gravity fight at the Death Ray. Eventually Sloot kicks D’Eath into the self-destruct mechanism, causing the Death Ray to blow up.

However before dying Deville has set a timer for the explosives that will write his name on the lunar surface. Bond finds the mechanism and beats up Hans when he attacks Bond. With 007 seconds left the timer is defused by Randy Sloot. The two embrace and Hans to jump them but misses and falls to his death in a crater.

Back on Earth, M, Moneypenny, the Minister of Defence and Q are listening to the reports of the Space marines returning back to earth. One craft is missing…

Bond and Sloot are busy making out in a spacecraft. Sloot informs them that they are running of oxygen and should call for help. Bond prefers sex.

Mission control has managed to get a worldwide internet hookup to the missing craft and see Bond and Sloot naked. Sloot throws her bikini top on the camera. M cringes and says “You can forget your pension” while Bond and Sloot disappear under the covers. Cut to credits.

For the end credits William Hung and William Shatner will sing a duet.

Edited by Mharkin, 04 July 2012 - 01:13 AM.

[x007AceOfSpades]

This has to be a joke right? (Hope I'm not trying to come off as a harsh )

[triviachamp]

This has to be a joke right? (Hope I'm not trying to come off as a harsh )

Obviously.

[x007AceOfSpades]

I thought it was thoroughly funny though after I gave it another read, change it up and you got Austin Powers 4

[DominicGreene]

Was this a leaked concept for Roger Moore's 8th Bond film?

Edited by DominicGreene, 04 July 2012 - 10:37 AM.

[SecretAgentFan]

It sure is leaking.

[Odd Jobbies]

My Bond24 would be FRWL with Angelina Jolie as Tatiana Romanove dominating the first 15-20 minutes being briefed about Bond, as in the novel. The agency briefing Tatiana claim to be the FSB, but are in fact Quantum out for revenge on Bond. We've seen in CR & QOS that Quantum likes to use Honey-Traps (this is how they manipulated Vesper), so now they're creating one for Bond.

The film would end with Bond's death scene cliffhanger pretty much as Fleming skilfully wrote it.

Then in Bond25, we finally meet the head of Quantum - the new 'Blofeld' (or whatever they wish to rename him for copyright reasons). After his near death at the end of FRWL, Bond25 begins with 007's recovery in a health spa, where he learns of a plot involving a fake RAF pilot.

This could be the start of a new arc a'la the Blofeld trilogy, so Bond25 would be an adaptation of Thunderball (Blofeld blackmailing the world with stolen nukes).
Bond26 would be OHMSS, beginning with Bond hot on the trail of the new 'Blofeld', but falling in love Teresa along the way; we know the rest....
Bond27: YOLT - Bond hunts down Blofeld for the final confrontation, ending as the book did with amnesia and a misguided trip into enemy territory.

I'd use the original titles, but if they wanted less association with the original movies that bare these titles then i'm sure there's plenty titular inspiration to be had in the pages of the novel finally being adapted more faithfully.

Nothing new here, just Fleming's inspired, never before filmed story arc of James Bond. If Craig wanted to come back for one more, then they could do Bond28: TMWTGG properly, including Bond's dramatic unannounced return to the double-O HQ in London, and his attempt to assassinate M.

Then, the recovery from his brainwashing, in which his mental fitness is tested, is almost a reboot in itself as we find out how different this returning Bond is - is our James Bond still in there?

Hence - and rather neatly - this film would also work to introduce a new Bond actor, if necessary. The re-learning of who he was - and indeed who he now is after the brainwashing trauma - would make a great vehicle to rebrand the character with the new face (and no, i won't go as far as to suggest the new face is due any plastic surgery that went with the brainwashing )

This would make the role of Bond an attractive prospect once more - not easy after Craig already seems to have perfected it.
Post amnesia therapy he's a slightly different, perhaps even edgier, character. So instead of trying to add o something that's already perfected, a new actor could genuinely see a chance of making it his own, which frankly, after the amazing Daniel Craig is already looking an impossible mission.

It's not unlike the way Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman used time-travel and an altered timeline to make a reboot of Star Trek seem fresh and plausible. In Bond's case it's amnesia - the character has to reinvent himself on screen - sounds exciting to me.

If there's a movie every 2 years then that's a ten year plan...

Edited by Odd Jobbies, 04 July 2012 - 07:04 PM.

[AgenttiNollaNollaSeitsemän]

Angelina Jolie as Tatiana Romanova? Ugh!

Thunderball has been done - twice in fact - and I am certain EON will never take a remake/readaptation route with the films series. Perhaps one day we might see a period piece television miniseries adapted from Flemings novels but contemporary remakes won't happen.

What is left in novels and what I would like to see is the Garden of Death.

Edited by AgenttiNollaNollaSeitsemän, 04 July 2012 - 11:53 PM.

[S K Y F A L L]

Bond 24 should be out by 2014 for crying out loud.

[Odd Jobbies]

Angelina Jolie as Tatiana Romanova? Ugh!

Thunderball has been done - twice in fact - and I am certain EON will never take a remake/readaptation route with the films series. Perhaps one day we might see a period piece television miniseries adapted from Flemings novels but contemporary remakes won't happen.

What is left in novels and what I would like to see is the Garden of Death.

Yes, TB isn't the strongest of the novels (a good first half, like the movie), so i wouldn't mind if it was only elements that are used here: Starting at the health spa so there's continuinty with the previous movie (if Bond24 were as i suggested FRWL). Mainly i'd like it to be our introduction to the head of Quantum as the Emilio Largo's puppet master. The stolen nuke plot is fine - at this stage in Craig's tenure it would be nice to give him an epic world threatening plot on the big stage. I like the current realistic plots, but the escerlation would be great for Bond25.

However, i think the FRWL, OHMSS and YOLT novels have much to offer that remains un-filmed.

Whats so impressive about the novels, which is totally missing from the movies until Craig's, is continuity between the stories. This is what creates the grand character arc that shows Bond's slow disintegration spurred by the constant killing and the death of his two loves, Vesper & Theresa. The amnesia at the end of YOLT is ironically just what Bond needed to give him a fresh start, one we may have seen develop if not for Fleming's premature death. You could say that Bond's amnesia may even have been self-imposed on a subconscious level as a means of escape from his personal tragedies.

This 'grand-arc' is something that could really work now with Craig in the role and the calibre of writers & directors he's attracting. You're probably right that Eon will never take on such a 'ten-year plan', but this thread is not about what Eon will make happen, but about what we would like to see happen.

As for Jolie as Tatiana, well, you can't please everyone, i guess!

IMO she's ideal, if perhaps a little too old now to play a character naive enough to be duped by Quantum in to believing they are the FSB, but she's talented enough i think to pull it off. It's 100% plausible that Bond could be lured into a honey-trap by Jolie on first sight (even by a picture of her), and the chemistry between Jolie and Craig is already proven in the first Tomb Raider movie.

Edited by Odd Jobbies, 05 July 2012 - 10:33 AM.

[AgenttiNollaNollaSeitsemän]

What is there in TB, FRWL or OHMSS what wasn't used? Nothing of substance, besides those films have already been done and could not be improved. So no thanks. I think EON should and by all the reports availabe will use original stories and might use whatever there is left in Fleming novels (Spang brothers, Garden of Death, etc) within those. I would love to see a proper story arch about Quantum with a blofeldesque main villain but simply remaking the old films would be pathetic.

I pray Jolie will be kept far far away from Bond franchise, she is simply a terrible actress and not half as hot as people claim she is. Gimme Eva Green every day of a week instead of that yank-skank.

Edited by AgenttiNollaNollaSeitsemän, 05 July 2012 - 10:57 AM.