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better than anyone else.First, your review must begin with the line: “Bond is back and he’s better than ever, and he’s going to leave you shaken (but not stirred) in...” This establishes that you are aware of the iconography of the franchise, and that - like the film makers - you possess the creativity and originality to come up with this clever play on words. THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL.
Also not optional is describing the lead actor as either:
a) Donning the tuxedo
Strapping on the Beretta, orc) Taking the wheel of the famous Aston Martin DBIII.
He is also the best actor in the role since Sean Connery.*
*Except for George Lazenby, who was terrible (more on that later.)
Whatever the plot of the film, you must describe the villain as seeking nothing less than world domination, be it by threatening NATO, trading diamonds for opium, or charging a million a shot.
The lead actress is Bond’s equal in every way. She is a Bond ‘woman,’ not a Bond ‘girl’ like all the others who came before her.
Admit that the writing and directing of the film has its flaws – and it’s important to phrase this in a way that implies that you could have done better yourself, but modesty prevents you from saying so outright. Ditto for the editing and music.
Now, for purposes of comparison:
Dr. No: You went through puberty watching Ursula Andress rise up out of the water in her iconic white bikini. No other Bond girl ever matched her sensuousness.
From Russia with Love: This is the best film in the series. It was the truest to the source material (it helps if you have not read the book). The train fight has never been equalled.
Goldfinger: This is the template for the series. Connery was at his best and Oddjob was the best henchman (N.B.: all henchmen are mute). John Barry was at the height of his powers. Did you know Pussy Galore was supposed to be a lesbian?
Thunderball: Too many gadgets, too much underwater action. Connery was great. You are the only one who ever noticed that Bond’s swim mask changes back to blue. The climactic battle was boring.
Casino Royale: A psychedelic pop-art pastiche, satirizing Bond and the whole spy genre. Peter Sellers should have played Bond for real. The film ‘boasted’ five directors and at least twice as many writers, including Woody Allen. Could have inspired Mike Myer’s Austin Powers. Burt Bacharach’s music was Oscar-worthy.
You Only Live Twice: Fantastic! The perfect 60s time capsule. Slick, energetic, high-tech. Connery was bored and his Japanese disguise was embarrassing. Blofeld ripped off Dr. Evil’s whole image. (N.B.: When mentioning OTT elements (or lack thereof), be sure to pluralize those elements (e.g.: ‘hollowed-out volcanoes, invisible cars, etc).
OHMSS: “Forgotten” entry. Would have been the best in the series if Connery had made it. Lazenby sounded like Crocodile Dundee, and was fired after the movie bombed. Telly Savalas was too much of an American thug to play Blofeld (do not say that you identify him so strongly with his subsequent work on Kojak that you can’t allow yourself – or anyone else – to see him as any other character). Diana Rigg ate garlic before the love scene. The ending was a downer and the film was utterly forgettable. If you don’t like any of the films made between 1971-1999, then they were the worst since this one. (Or: it’s an overlooked classic (despite Lazenby) that was underrated in its day.) N.B.: You do not have to have actually seen the film to make these judgements.
Diamonds Are Forever: Connery was too old, too fat, unengaged, etc. This was a poor follow-up to OHMSS, as the Tracy-revenge angle was never resolved. The tone was too ‘camp’ (you don’t have to understand what that means), villains too swishy, car chase not as good as the one in Bullit (N.B.: no other car chase ever was, or ever will be). Climax disappointing. They should have kept Lazenby (yes, this is a contradiction, but that’s alright – no one’s supposed to remember what you wrote before, they’re supposed to be hanging on your every word now).
Live and Let Die: The beginning of the end. “Blaxploitation” bandwagon (be sure to apologize on behalf of all bleeding-heart liberal racists). Moore was too ‘pretty’ and boyish for the role. His performance was indistinguishable from his turn as The Saint. Jane Seymour = the Onedin Line and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Gloria Hendry should have played Solitaire. Kananga should have won. One pointless chase after another. Buford Pepper, ignorant sheriff played by Jackie Gleason. Paul McCartney’s score an innovative change from John Barry’s usual. No martini!
TMWTGG: Christopher Lee was the only good thing in it. Low budget look. Solex plot unnecessary. Tone of confrontation should have been darker, like in Shane. Jack Palance should have played Scaramanga. AMC Javelin stunt spoilt by kazoo/whizzer sound effect (do not say ‘slide whistle’). Britt Ekland was terrible.
TSWLM: Moore had hit his stride. Barbara Bach was terrible. Movie was a frame-by-frame remake of YOLT. Stromberg was the best villain since Goldfinger. Jaws was the best henchman since Oddjob. Opening ski chase climax best stunt ever (include spoilers).
Moonraker: If you don’t like Bond films generally, then this is the one you refer to as a ‘typical’ entry. If you’re a Star Wars fanboy, it’s the best of the lot. It was either side-splittingly funny – as a Bond film should be – or a cringe-inducing embarrassment. Winking pigeons (see YOLT re: use of plurals). Drax best villain since Goldfinger. Jaws was either cute and endearing or a cartoon.
For Your Eyes Only: Refreshingly down-to Earth entry after MR (regardless of your opinion of MR). Reminiscent of FRWL. Moore acting his age for once was either a) a wonderful acknowledgement of Bond’s maturing or
evidence that he should have retired after MR. Carole Bouquet was either a) compelling or vapid. Columbo should have been the villain. The scenes with Bibi made Bond look creepy. Describe Bill Conti’s score as ‘disco.’Octopussy: A pale imitation of Goldfinger. Share with the world the little-known fact that Maud Adams appeared in an earlier Bond film in another role. Louis Jourdan should have played Bond. Aerial stunt double too obvious. Tarzan yell. Clown suit. Curry.
Never Say Never Again: Here’s the place to use all the clichés from the introduction, specifying that Connery was donning the tuxedo/strapping on the Beretta/ driving the famous Aston Martin DBIII one more time. Praise Connery’s return, but criticize the film-makers for not using the usual gunbarrel logo, title visuals and signature theme, and for recasting M and Moneypenny (although it was refreshing to see Alec McCowan play Q the way Fleming originally envisioned him). Bernie Casey as Felix – cool! Declare that Connery won the ‘battle of the Bonds’ hands down. Finish by hoping that Connery never says “never again”!
AVTAK: 1980s time capsule featuring Christopher Walken as the best villain since Goldfinger and Grace Jones as the best femme fatale since Fatima Blush. Moore too old, stuntmen too obvious. Opening snowboard chase spoilt by Beach Boys cue. Tanya Roberts as the ‘mysterious’ American, Stacey Sutton. Innovative fire-engine chase through San Francisco. How dare they kill off John Steed! Duran Duran rocks.
The Living Daylights: Conveniently forget that Brosnan was supposed to have made this one. Dalton was too serious and dour. Plot too convoluted, Kara too insipid. Confuse Mujahadin with Taliban and question having terrorists as allies. Aha (not a-ha) sucks.
License to Kill: Dalton again too serious. Tone of story about avenging brutal torture and murder should have been lighter. Compare to Miami Vice at least once. David Hedison too old to play Felix. Talisa Soto better than Carey Lowell. Innovative truck chase in Mexico. Winking fish statue. John Glen was a workman director with no style.
GoldenEye: Conveniently forget that Peirce Brosnan was welcomed wholeheartedly by audiences at the time. Lament that Dalton didn’t make this one. EON proves that Bond is still a relevant hero in the 90s. Sexist, misogynist dinosaur.
Tomorrow Never Dies: Rushed production, unoriginal henchman, rides the Hong Kong action film genre with Michelle Yeoh aboard. Same plot as YOLT and TSWLM. Carver too wimpy. Paris’ role should have been bigger. David Arnold better than Eric Serra. Cheryl Crowe’s song better than what’s her name – you know, the Canadian lesbo.
The World is Not Enough: Brosnan drama queen. Robert Carlyle weak villain. Include spoiler about Elektra, while conveniently forgetting that critics had been demanding a strong female villain for decades. Should have been Sharon Stone. PTS should have ended with Bond walking away from the bank in Bilbao. Disappointing climax. Denise Richards as a ‘nucular’ physicist? (Do not compare to Tanya Roberts.)
Die Another Day: Go to town – everyone else does. Even if you hated OHMSS, this is now the worst in the series. Bad dialogue, bad theme song, bad acting, bad directing, bad catering, Madonna. Promising beginning with bedraggled Bond in Korean prison – we should have had two hours of that. Lambaste the CGI effects, mentioning only the parasurfing scene – that will save you having to hunt through the film in vain for another example. Tamahori had no right to insert slow-mo or ramping edits in the film – he should have been more like John Glen. Film ‘falls apart’ as soon as Bond arrives in Iceland. Insist that Graves' satellite was powered by/covered with diamonds (because Blofeld's was, but you don't have to explain that). Blame the actors for their dialogue. Halle Berry worst actress ever (again, don’t mention Tanya Roberts – or Monster’s Ball). Compare to DAF, but not to Moonraker – Moonraker was a classic. Etc, etc.
Casino Royale: “Blonde, James Blonde.” Craig too short. Ears. Pecs. Armour. Little finger. Sucking fingers. Weeping blood. Parkour. Poker. Torture. Bourne. Goeffrey Wright as Felix – WTF? Too long – first and/or last half-hour unnecessary. Black & white PTS great, as was placement of the gunbarrel. Reboot (or prequel?); Bond Begins; James before he was Bond. (No matter how you felt about Brosnan you have to hate him now, and no matter how you felt about Dalton you have to appreciate him more.) Hate the Ford Mondeo.
Quantum of Solace: Conveniently forget that you’d said you wanted to see the next film more tightly edited. Hate the location subtitles. Hate the action editing. Hate the gunbarrel at the end. Despite all this, Craig is still the best Bond bar Connery. Love Keyes & White’s theme song. Keep up the comparisons to Jason Bourne. Quantum of Suckage, Quantum of So-lame, etc.
There you have it. Feel free to use any of these lines – just remember, they are not to be altered in any way. If you choose to use a * or _/10 ranking, be sure to study the rankings of the other professional critics first – after all, you don’t want to say anything controversial. A handy rule of thumb is to always put Connery at the top (except for DAF) followed by Craig and Dalton, Moore in the middle (with OP and TMWTGG last) then Lazenby and Brosnan at the bottom with DAD dead last after CR ‘67. Follow all these guidelines and you will soon be impressing your readers with your uncanny grasp of the details and nuances of the James Bond phenomenon.
As for Skyfall, the most important thing to remember is that, however good it turns out to be, it’s still just a two-hour long advert for Heineken...
I think that covers it all. Did I miss anything?
