The Book of Boldman

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THE BOOK OF BOLDMAN

or

EVERY MAN HIS OWN CAPTAIN BOND

Want to be nibbled by wolves and dunked into freezing water? NO!

Want to be able to spot a quadruple-crosser with ease? YES!

Then this is the book for you…

Instant Captain Bond - how to look… what to wear, eat, drink and not smoke… what to drive - and what not to - and how to acquire an alliteratively named Bondgirl of your very, very own!

So - grab your cavalry twill action slacks and rope-soled sandals, take a bite of chicken pie and get ready for action!

THE BOOK OF BOLDMAN

An unofficial celebration of 30 years of John Gardner's James Bond

From the papers of Ms. Anne (“Q’ute”) Reilly

Coming to CBn Fan Fiction

2011

041ab.jpg 300.99KB 6 downloads

THE BOOK OF BOLDMAN

Training all in developing necessary Boldmannerisms...

Accessories

...The plastic explosive and detonators in your briefcase are very handy for blowing things up. Ants, for example...

A Bed for the Night

...Hotel Sofitel, Strasbourg, in the Place Saint-Pierre-le-Jeune. The otherwise deferential night staff can become surly if you do not leave them your car keys. Its overlarge suites for overnight stops can make you even more edgy after an already troubling day of nearly being violently murdered. As it’s a hangout for vermin-featured murderers from the New York underworld, such disquiet is probably only natural. If you’re very nice to the staff, they will give you a fruit basket. Best to ignore this and hit the minibar...

Cars

..A Bentley is most acceptable for restaurant hopping along the Cote d'Azur. Makes you noticeable and noticed; sometimes you may want this. Its bulk renders it poor at slalom-skidding through enemy roadblocks but excellent at crushing axe-wielding assailants. This isn’t mentioned in the handbook. Write them a stiff letter...

Chat

...It's an utterly legitimate expectation of you to be able to banter with villainous types about mass data storage solutions. Over dinner...

Clothes

..Albeit whilst under fire, you must be able to identify an Acquscutum suit on a hitman; estimating the value at about £500. Value of hitman: considerably less...

Culture

..You need to have a broad-brush working knowledge of Arthurian legend, albeit it’s questionable whether this is really enough to stop a determined suicide bomber out of their mind on death cults and psychotropic drugs. Probably not...

Drink

...You can afford to be choosy. The champagnes at small hotels alongside the Italian Lakes are really only fit for salad dressing. Similarly, Hine 1914 vintage is an acceptable antiseptic against dog bites but really has few other merits...

Exercise

...You are capable of bringing your knee hard up into the groin to disarm a woman. Not in that sense. Not especially gallant - brilliantly effective though. Consider the age of chivalry well dead. Along with the woman...

Flights

..You have flown or flown in anything from a Tiger moth to a Phantom jet, but an airship may be a new experience. This does not prevent you from being obliged to try...

Food

...Ostensible resignation can bring on a liking for chicken vindaloo. Accordingly, only resign when you really, really have to...

Gambling

...It is a truth universally acknowledged that a youngish man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of hanging around casinos in the South of France being distracted from his game by the sudden appearance of long-thought-dead, mad-as-a-dog-in-a-hot-car US Generals. Stuff happens...

Girls - or how to attract a Predator

...Captain Boldman, when invited to a young lady’s apartment, often scrutinises your reading material; he is interested in your mind. Really. Honest. Don't go in for paperbacks with pictures of girls sitting on large guns or astride them...

Home life

...Immaculate dress, precise pedantry and sharp wit marks a man as a homosexual; you may want to rethink how specific you need to be with your housekeeper about that breakfast. Whilst dining of a morning, scan The Mail, The Express and The Times for stories with an intelligence angle - out of duty; the chances of finding much intelligence in the first two being slim. You take all the national and the major provincial papers. Good luck with the Liverpool Echo...

Looks

...You require a mastery of accents in your repertoire. Dubliner and a Texan drawl can come in handy, although there’s a time and a place for both. Dublin and Texas, presumably...

M - or how to keep Mr Boldman in the dark

...You try to push girls of good family onto Boldman; even if she is a drug-addled ex-death cult member. You consider this a marked improvement on some of the women he’s previously known, especially that one with the…

The Natural World

...Face it; nature is out to get you. However often you feel yourself being thrown to the wolves, even Space Wolves, bear in mind that this can happen, literally, with real ones. Your usual dog-handling techniques - such as pumping Alsatians with Glaser Safety Slugs - may not necessarily work...

The Office

...You do know how a computer works but acceptable top-up training (duration: one month) can be best undertaken at the Hotel de Paris, Monte Carlo. Try not to be too distracted by the teacher, or her perfume. Bring an apple...

The Opposition

...Try to cultivate the mannerisms and personal attributes of either Lavrenti Beria or Adolf Hitler, or both. Size doesn’t matter, but calmness always wins through. By “always” read “except when Captain Bond turns up”. Vulgarity is largely required. As is being called Kolya...

Places

...At Brissago, if you’re a young man developing his Boldmannerisms, pick a hot moonlit night and make unforgettable love to an Italian countess. If your interests lie more to the spiritual than the fleshly, the churchyard is quaintly cobbled, although it occasionally boasts corpses just that inch too fresh...

Restaurants

...You must still take time to dine at Blades with M - Bennett the doorman's father was there at the time of the Sir Hugo Drax affair. You must insist upon making your own salad dressing, and if you do this without being thrown out, it’s an achievement...

Smokes

...Smoking in bed is hazardous to your mental health as much as anything, as it causes you to dwell upon memories of your dead wife, although quite how hot she was in bed is a thought better left unexpressed. Having just made love to a colleague doesn’t cause any such guilt, however...

The Book of Boldman
Sorting the Boldmen from the Boldboys

Coming 2011

#1 Jim

#2 terminus

#3 Righty007

#4 Jim

#5 Dustin

#6 George88

#7 clinkeroo

#8 George88

#9 Jim

#10 Dustin