5 replies to this topic

[triviachamp]

Warning: This is supposed to be funny.

Judging by the reaction to QOS it looks like we might get some levity at some point so if you want goofy OTT Epic Bond that tries to outdo each other then I'll give you some goofy OTT Bond. So Here I go:

The Pre Credits Sequence opens with a shot of a nuclear power plant in an unnamed Middle Eastern Country *cough* *cough* Iran *cough* *cough*. Armed guards are on a perimenter patrol outside of the electric fence and suddenly one of them spots something coming over a hill. the men raise their weapons and aim only to see it is....a cow! The men then laugh and lower their weapons and disperse. The cow continues on its merry way unnoticed and a walks up to a guard. The guard decides to yank the cow's udder only to get sprayed in the face by a torrent of white...fluid which causes him to choke and collapse. Another guard notices this and runs to help his fallen friend. He suddenly turns to see the cow standing on its hind legs and he gets whacked by a hoof and is knocked out. The hooves then lift off the head to reveal...James Bond! He smirks and then quips "I hope I didn't behoove you with an improper welcome?" He looks at the man he knocked out first and adds "Your friend was an udder disgrace!" He walks up to a control panel and shuts off part of the fence and then shoots a piton gun to climb over the fence.

Inside the facility he takes off his cow disguise to reveal a tuxedo underneath. He takes out one guard and steals his clothes, but not before adjusting his tie, allowing his access to some giant explosive tanks of some liquid. He sets his bombs only to captured by the guards. Just as the guards are preparing to execute him he takes out his cufflink miniature explosive and throws it, causing a big explosion. Bond then runs away and takes a machine gun and starts blasting some guards. After a lengthy gunbattle Bond finds himself in a parking lot with several mobile missile launchers. He fires a missile and jumps on it, escaping from his captors. The missile heads toward a convenient fighter jet squadron. Bond uses his legs to prevent it hitting a jet and jumps onto the wing of another one. The missile peters out and begins to fall back down on the nuclear power plant wherein it explodes massively.

Back on the fighter jet Bond adjusts his tie and climbs toward the cockpit. The pilot engages in several barrel rolls and other maneuvers to shake Bond off but fails. Bond succeeds in ripping off the cockpit covering and has a fight with the pilot. As Bond is removing the pilot's straps, the pilot takes out a gun an attempts to shoot Bond but fails. Eventually the two are fighting the plane's wing and Bond knocks him off and the pilot falls to his death with that scream effect used for Gobinda and Necros. Bond climbs into the pilot seat and destroys the other planes only to find that he is running out of fuel! Seems in the gunfight the pilot ended up hitting the fuel tank. After running out of fuel the plane falls to the ground and explodes massively!

Is Bond dead?

Psych!--Bond is alive, and not even a hair is crisped. He climbs out of the wreckage and adjusts his tie and takes out a martini shaker and glass and pours himself a drink. Some serious looking woman runs up to him and radios in "Exercise complete, Bond okay, over." So it was all a training exercise! Bond looks at her lustily and she smiles back. Bond takes her radio and says "This is Bond, James Bond. I'll report in an hour." He looks at her again and then says "Make that three!" They embrace and Cut to credits.

[triviachamp]

And now the film proper:

Open on a museum in London where some thieves are stealing some artifacts. Cut to London where Bond walks into M's office but not before saying "Hi Moneypenny" and then "Bye, Moneypenny" to Moneypenny just before he walks in. M (Dame Edna) informs him of the theft of these rare artifacts which were to be sent to China and that he must find the culprits. The artifacts were donated to British Goverment by a wealthy Continental European named Evelyn (pronounced Evil-en) Deville. After meeting Q and getting his Aston Martin that also turns into a submarine and airplane and boat he heads off to meet Evelyn Deville despite having no evidence of him doing anything illegal.

He first meets up with Felix Leiter (played by McLovin from Superbad) who greets Bond by shooting him with a blank gun and Bond responds by beating him up before the two realize that they are old friends having some fun. Leiter informs him that Deville is clean and is an expert curler. Bond goes to Deville's lavish estate which filled with priceless art treasures and immediately Bond finds himself almost killed by a falling chandelier. He runs into Deville's executive secretary (*cough**cough*) Miss Goodthighs (Lady Gaga) who wears a different bizarre costume in every scene she is in. The first thing on Bond's mind is Deville's famous curling skills. And Goodthigh's breasts:

Bond
I see I have won the booby prize.

Goodthighs (looking down)
You're a mouthful aren't you?

Bond
Provided the cuffs and collars match.

Goodthighs (pointing to some ancient guns on display)
Do you carry any weapons?

Bond
Why yes I have powerful weapon.

Goodthighs
Does it have a...big...bang?

Bond
Yes, so long as it doesn't go off half-cocked.

Goodthighs
Do you like your chickens strangled or not?

Bond
I prefer an early riser myself

Goodthighs
Does getting up so early pump you?

Bond
Exactly when I need it.

Goodthings
I hope I'm up to your breast expectations.

Bond
Well my Favourite Dickens novel was Hard Times

Goodthighs
I thought it would be Little Dorrit?

Bond
The Pick-wick Papers is quite good.

Goodthighs
Not Martin Chuzzlewit?

Bond
Not even Barnaby Rudge.

Goodthighs
Not even Dom-bey and Son? or Oliver Twist?

Bond
Well Our Mutual Friend would make thinks interesting wouldn't it?

She attempts to sit him in some ancient chair but he refuses. Deville (Ben Stein) shows up in a limousine driven by his chauffeur Mr. Murder (Tony Cox) and accompanied by his bodyguard, a bleachblonded henchman named Pete (Topher Grace). Goodthighs informs him that James Bond is here. "Make sure our guest is inconvenienced," he tells her.

Deville informs Bond that he has priceless art treasures and is having them studied. Bond meets one of these experts who is named Letitcia Cummingwell (Megan Fox). "You do your work well?" Bond says to her. Deville offers Bond to play a game of curling tomorrow at his private rink. Bond accepts.

That night in his room he is attacking by some guy, this leads to a fist fight involving the destruction of much pricless artwork and ends when the guy is knocked onto the previously aforementioned chair and is crushed by some steel claws. "Stings doesn't it?" He quips.

[Captain Tightpants]

I stopped reading when you had Bond dressed up as a cow.

[triviachamp]

I stopped reading when you had Bond dressed up as a cow.

Well he has pretended to be a bird, a crocodile and a clown so why not a cow?

Perhaps I should have made it clear that this is a joke on the thread about goofy OTT Bond Epics?

[Safari Suit]

I don't know if writing this sort of thing is a good idea to be honest. But it is funny.

[triviachamp]

Continued:

The next morning Bond goes to Deville's private rink for a curling match. Since this is a Ken Adam set it will be really elaborate and huge. He orders a vodka martini and they play their match. During the match Bond notices that Deville's stone is unusually accurate. After losing the match he bets Deville...One million dollars if he they switch stones. "My stone is bigger than your stone," says Bond.

Anyway Mr. Murder is controlling the stone's trajectory with a giant magnet underneath the ice and Deville nods to Mr. Murder to set the house to explode when Bond's stone reaches it. Bond realizes this somehow and uses his electromagnet watch to counteract the magnet, err somehow. Boring curling match continues and Bond uses sends his stone to hit Deville's stone which then explodes.

"Shocking," deadpans Deville.

"I'm afraid that violates House Rules," responds Bond.

Deville writes Bond a check for a million dollars. "I hope you spend it all very fast Mr. Bond, your time is running out."

"Well I always enjoyed a little run."

"Mr. Bond your comebacks are about as effective as a Pauly Shore Revival."

"I enjoy my girls spicy."

Bond leaves and Deville says to Pete "Let Mr. Bond leave the grounds then kill him. I want him as dead as Carrot Top's career."

Pete replies "Do you think he is a British agent Boss?"

"No, I just find him unbearably annoying and he has extremely bad taste."

"Well you could just shoot him."

"Your logic is about as sound as the Smoot-Hawley Tariff." He walks away.

"That wasn't a response!" says Pete to the empty room.

Meanwhile Bond is searching around the office of Deville and access his computer. He uses some Q gadget to unlock encrypted messages and download them. Just as he is leaving Miss Goodthighs shows up. Bond asks why is called Miss Goodthighs in a really smutty conversation. They have sex and she tries but fails to suffocate him with her breasts. Bond gets away.

Bond leaves the Deville estate in his Aston and is persued my baddies. The usual stuff occurs, he drives the car off a cliff and turns it into an airplane and flies off.

Bond lands and is captured by a group of mysterious men and taken to some compound and he meets a man in a chair petting a cat! The chair swivels around to reveal...Leiter! Bond wonders what the meaning of this. Leiter has an important question to ask Bond: How do you ask a girl out? "Just press your lips and..blow!" Soon he reveals the real reason for abducting Bond, Leiter's Boss wants to meet Bond. His Boss Col. Smalltinkle (played by William Shatner) asks Bond "What...the.....hell....are....you...doing?"

"Well not at this time. I found that Evelyn Deville is a world class cheater at curling! And his liquor cabinet leaves much to be desired. That and he tried to kill me several times."

"What did you do Bond, steal his girlfriend?" asks Leiter.

"I wish!"

"But Bond," says Leiter. "I thought you were supposed to be investigating the stolen artifacts?"

Smalltinkle interjects to say "Sto-len....arti...facts? What...does....that...have..to do...with...Deville?"

"He donated them Colonel," responds Leiter.

"Which....means....what....exactly?"

"The Curling association must hear of this so he can be properly censured," replays Bond.

"Curling?" asks a befuddled Leiter. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"It means that Deville is a true montebank to cheat at curling."

"Montebank?" Leiter whispers to Bond. "Is that like the missionary position or something?"

Smalltinkle speaks up. "CommanderBond...have...you...found...any...thing...at...all...prov-ing....that.....Mis....ter....Dev-ille....is....do-ing....any...thing....un-usu-al?"

"Why Yes," Bond smirks. "That secretary of his. She has some very large and well rounded figures that are to die for!"

"Come on Bond, get to the meat!" says Leiter

"Well whatever floats your boat," smirks Bond.

Smalltinkle bursts in "E....nough....with...the...doub-le...en...tend...res...Com...man...der...or....should....I...say....-mander?"

Bond looks pissed. He takes out the gizmo he used previously on Deville`s computer. "This shows that Deville has the blueprints of a new rocket engine design."

"Wait," asks Leiter. "Rocket engines? What does that have to do with the stolen artifacts or cheating at curling?"

Smalltinkle adds "And...what...does....that...infact...prove?....Rock-et....en-gynes....are....not...il-legal!"

"Well it gives us a lead," says with a smirk.

"A lead on what?" says Leiter.

"It shows that he has interests in Dubai and I shall head there to investigate further."

"Well Bond good luck on your vacation," says Leiter who backslaps an an embarrassed looking Bond.