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Joe Bob Briggs Review of LTK


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#1 ChandlerBing

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 01:17 PM

And speaking of world-famous hair, my close personal friend, Wayne Newton, a/k/a Big Wayne, a/k/a "That guy that always sings MacArthur Park one too many times," has been Donka-Shaning all over the place, and is so multi-talented that he just became the first person in film history to have two "motion picture debuts" in one lifetime. "License to Kill," the new Bond movie, has Wayne in his "motion picture debut," even though we all KNOW that Wayne's first motion picture debut was in 1969 in a flick called "80 Steps to Jonah," where Wayne played an orphaned migrant worker in trouble with the cops. Of course, it didn't do great box office, because it opened the same weekend as Rowan and Martin in "The Maltese Bippy."

Anyhow, "License to Kill" is the second one with Timothy Dalton as James Bond, even though they already ran out of Ian Fleming novels, Ian Fleming short stories, and Ian Fleming comic books. The last three James Bond movies were based on Ian Fleming recipes, but they ran out of those, too, and so this one is based on an Ian Fleming letter to his Grandma.

What they did, really, is horn in on Charles Bronson's territory and make a revenge flick. A South American drug dealer who likes to cut people's hearts out for fun decides to feed James Bond's best friend to a shark on his wedding day. It's not THAT big a deal, because he the woman he was getting married to is Priscilla Barnes, but James is p.o.ed. Pretty soon, he sets out on his unauthorized mission to kill Mr. Big, and 148 death-defying stunts later, he kisses the girl--and it's Carey Lowell, star of five or six super-low-budget drive-in specials like "Dangerously Close" and "Downtwisted." They don't have the sheer volume of quivering female flesh they used to, but they do have a gal named Talisa Soto, the drug dealer's girlfriend, who gets slapped around a little bit and purses her pouty lips. She was good. They've got some highly entertaining airplane, helicopter, and Mack truck stunts. And, of course, they've got Wayne, as the evangelist head of a South American meditation institute that's a front for a factory that mixes cocaine and gasoline together so it can be transported in tanker trucks. Not since Liberace played the undertaker in "The Loved One" has a Vegas veteran turned in such a memorable performance. Also, an outstanding villain--Robert Davi, the guy with the lizard-skin face, as the world's most powerful drug dealer.

No breasts. (Never are in Bond movies.) Thirty-one dead bodies. Two exploding drug dealers. Two shark dinners. One guy forklifted to death. Three motor vehicle chases. Heart ripping. Groady froth-mouth cyanide pellet. Armored-van dunking. Gratuitous iguana. Kung Fu. Maggot Fu. Electric eel Fu. Harpoon Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Timothy Dalton, especially for the scene where he's caught RIFLING THE MAGGOTS;

Robert Davi, for actually uttering the line "Drug dealers of the world, unite!"; and, of course, Big Wayne, as Professor Joe Butcher, the evangelist who gets a gun pulled on him and says "Bless your heart."

Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

#2 Safari Suit

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 07:07 PM

What a dude

#3 Mr. Somerset

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Posted 22 March 2010 - 11:31 PM

Nice!!! That was classic!

#4 Revelator

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Posted 23 March 2010 - 04:02 AM

Thirty-one dead bodies. Two exploding drug dealers. Two shark dinners. One guy forklifted to death. Three motor vehicle chases. Heart ripping. Groady froth-mouth cyanide pellet. Armored-van dunking. Gratuitous iguana. Kung Fu. Maggot Fu. Electric eel Fu. Harpoon Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Timothy Dalton, especially for the scene where he's caught RIFLING THE MAGGOTS; Robert Davi, for actually uttering the line "Drug dealers of the world, unite!"


Now see, if they'd put that on the poster the film would have raked in a billion dollars. Come to think of it, they should put it on the back of the DVD cover.

#5 Safari Suit

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Posted 23 March 2010 - 06:54 PM

A billion dollars? Are you aware of the kind of films for which Mr. Briggs is quoted on the cover?