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006 First Assignment - Previews

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#1 Sanji Himura

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Posted 13 December 2009 - 07:14 AM

I don't know if this is allowed, but I need to have someone look at this fic and tell me what is wrong with it. You can catch the first two chapters of this story here while you can read the sequel fic, witch will contain spoilers to the first story, here.

This is the chapter 3 preview.

Two Days Later
Tokyo-3, Japan

The train stopped at the train station in quick order. Putting on his shades, Shinji stepped off the platform at the station and looked around. It was quiet, too quiet Taking the note and a photograph out of his breast pocket that he managed to get out of the briefing folder in London, he saw the familiar kanji that adorned the note. Putting the paper in the back, he paid careful attention to the photograph. The woman in it was wearing a tank top and cut off shorts. The flowing black hair framed her face beautify. The woman in the picture was bending in a provocative manner. An arrow pointing to her cleavage with the kanji for look at this was written in pen. Flipping over the photograph, Shinji finds a phone number on the back.

An elderly gentleman walked up to him. He wore a uniform of a rental car company, Hertz, and carried a clipboard in hand. “Mr. Ikari,” the man asked.

“Yes,” Shinji asked. The elder man was un-phased at the tone of his response.

“I need you to fill out some paperwork for the new car that you signed up for.”

“Oh yes. The joys of being in charge. The paper work.”

“Will you need collision coverage?”


“Fire protection?”


“Property damage?”


“Personal injury?”

“I hope not, but accidents do happen. Well that covers the normal wear and tear. Is there any other protection that I need?”

“Only from me, Mr. Ikari, unless you return the car in pristine order.”

“Naturally. Well, should we be off to see the new car?”

“Right this way.”

The man led Shinji to the Hertz parking lot where it was vacant of any other cars, almost as if it were the parking lot of the station. A crate the size of a car was sitting on the lot. Men were at the sides opening the crate.

“Mr. Ikari,” the man stated, “may I present to you the 2010 Aston-Martin DB9 with the usual 00 modifications. Bullet-proof glass on all windows. Machine guns hidden into the grill, and rocket launchers hidden in the headlights. Now pay attention, 006. Inside this console here, is the switches for your defensive mechanisms, oil slick is the switch on the upper left. The oil is discharged from these cartridges in the rear of the car. Naturally, the cartridge is refillable so that you only have enough oil as your supply. The middle switch will release a water stream cannon capable of firing water for a range of thirty meters. The upper right switch will release triangle spikes like this.” The man showed him a triangle spike and continued, “Naturally, this will take out the tires of enemy cars and cause them to flip on the road. You only have one shot at it. The bottom row controls your missles and machine guns.”

The man also handed Shinji a cell phone. “This is a Motorola Droid 5 cell phone. It comes preloaded with a remote control app for the car. Just load the app and take your finger and touch the screen like so,” the man took the phone and tried to drive the car out of the crate as if he was a rookie driver taking drivers education for the first time.

When it was halfway out of the crate, Shinji asked for the phone. Shinji then drove the car out of the car out of the crate and around the parking lot, completing left and right turns. When the car is aimed at Shinji, he pushed the accelerator to move the car right at him. At the right distance, he pushed the brake. The car slowed to a halt a few inches away from Shinji's legs. He smirked and said, “I think that we understand each other.”

“Oh, grow up 006,” Q said, defeated. Shinji smiled as he took the phone and dialed the number on the back of the photograph, allowing it to ring a few times.

“Hello,” the person on the other end asked.

“Hello, my name is Shinji Ikari and I just wanted you to know that I am at the train station right now,” Shinji told the person.

“Well, you are early by at least a day. I'm on my way to pick you up.”

“Don't bother. Just give me your address and I can drive there.”

“Very well.”

#2 Jim


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Posted 13 December 2009 - 09:42 AM

I don't know if this is allowed, but I need to have someone look at this fic and tell me what is wrong with it.

OK - could be more positive to tell you what is right with it, but here goes:

More than half of it is directly lifted from a James Bond film called Tomorrow Never Dies that was released in 1997 and I suspect that you have seen. I have no idea what the purpose of doing that is.

You also flip between past and perfect tenses for no apparent reason.

It's not much of a cliffhanger, is it?

Since you asked.

#3 Sanji Himura

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Posted 13 December 2009 - 03:35 PM

Well what do you suggest? I wasn't finished with the chapter, and I could stand to take a few days to get this part right.

The whole intention of the portion of the chapter is that I wanted to have a Q/Bond type of relationship in the old movies with Q and Shinji. I will admit that I've lifted half of it from the movie because I believe that it fit the situation. I don't want to be accused of plagiarism here.

Edited by Sanji Himura, 13 December 2009 - 03:36 PM.

#4 Sanji Himura

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Posted 28 December 2009 - 03:07 AM

Chapter 4 teaser. I'll have a full preview in the next couple of days.

Inside a darkened room, twelve monoliths were the only source of light in the room. They were called the twelve pillars of SEELE, and they were responsible for everything that goes on in the world from terrorists attacks, financing, and even outright control of the UN military. 'To those who have the gold,' as the saying goes.

The reason behind this particular meeting, according to the only man in the room at the moment, was the shock that the third child, Shinji Ikari, had arrived to Tokyo-3 a year earlier than expected. After assuring the men that the early arrival meant nothing to the scrolls, the pillars decided to let the man go off and do his own thing. The man left the room as the monoliths remained lit to discuss something between themselves.

“So,” monolith 1 began to speak, “Anyone would want to tell me why the third child arrived earlier than was foreseen in the scrolls?”

“Sir,” pillar 6 responded in Latin, “the more pressing matter is what the third child was doing in England before his draft into NERV.”

“I may have the answer to that,” monolith 3 said in German, “I had the German NERV branch MAGI hack into the British mainframe for British intelligence, and I've found his profile. Shinji Ikari, born June sixth, two thousand one, aged thirteen. Spent four years of his life in Japan before moving to England. Apprenticed under Commander Miles Messervey of the Royal Navy in intelligence before moving to full duties in MI6. Recently, achieved “00” status by assassinating our secondary accountant and drug kingpin in Brazil and a bodyguard.”

“And the price of this information,” pillar 6 pressed.

“Only a minor annoyance, a techie who doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut about the Dead Sea Scrolls.”

“So the rumor was true then,” monolith 3 said, “we lost a copy of the scrolls to some no name thief.”

“Sadly, yes,” monolith 1 confirmed, “When pillar 12 was assassinated a few days ago. Chinese officials confirmed the kill.”

“What are we going to do about the third child,” pillar 10 asked.

“Nothing for now. Right now the thief is having money troubles and risking the scrolls at a casino in Tokyo-3 will be our best chance of recovering them. This meeting is over.”

One by one the monoliths shut off as the display of light ended in the otherwise dark room.