172 replies to this topic

[danielcraigisjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a bullet crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

James Bond woke from sleep.

"What a silly dream, May,"

"Please, come back to sleep."

"Sure, let me call M."

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a bullet crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

[agentjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a bullet crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How did a cow fall

[danielcraigisjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a bullet crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How did a cow fall

was inconcievable to Bond.

"Turducken"

[BlackFire]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a bullet crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How did a cow fall

was inconcievable to Bond.

"Turducken"

Bond seemed to be amused

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a bullet crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond.

"Turducken!" Bond seemed to be amused by this prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

[danielcraigisjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a bullet crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond.

"Turducken!" Bond seemed to be amused by this prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"
"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, James."

(As an offside, here's the definition from dictionary.com: "an obscure term ostensibly referring to a lung disease caused by silica dust." I couldn't resist using the word! )

Edited by danielcraigisjamesbond007, 21 March 2009 - 03:56 AM.

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

[agentjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"Please, May. It already hurts"

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

[agentjamesbond007]

"Can't we do something else?"

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

[danielcraigisjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"
"I've got to see M!"

[agentjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"
"I've got to see M!"

I'm you're M. Now come

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

[agentjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

"Why do you treat me

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector seat and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts enough." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

Why are you treating me like this? It's not warranted at all!

"Yeah? Tell that to M!"

BLAM!

... *thud*

"Yeah, I think that's taken care of him. Show me around, will you, Moneypenny?"

"Yes; the scene's right over there, James. Go down that hall, and... you know the rest."

"Will do."

[agentjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector seat and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts enough." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

Why are you treating me like this? It's not warranted at all!

"Yeah? Tell that to M!"

BLAM!

... *thud*

"Yeah, I think that's taken care of him. Show me around, will you, Moneypenny?"

"Yes; the scene's right over there, James. Go down that hall, and... you know the rest."

"Will do."

Bond walks where moneypenny said

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector seat and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts enough." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

Why are you treating me like this? It's not warranted at all!

"Yeah? Tell that to M!"

BLAM!

... *thud*

"Yeah, I think that's taken care of him. Show me around, will you, Moneypenny?"

"Yes; the scene's right over there, James. Go down that hall, and... you know the rest."

"Will do."

Bond walked to where Moneypenny pointed and came upon the scene.

"Bloody Christ," he muttered.

[agentjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector seat and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts enough." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

Why are you treating me like this? It's not warranted at all!

"Yeah? Tell that to M!"

BLAM!

... *thud*

"Yeah, I think that's taken care of him. Show me around, will you, Moneypenny?"

"Yes; the scene's right over there, James. Go down that hall, and... you know the rest."

"Will do."

Bond walked to where Moneypenny pointed and came upon the scene.

"Bloody Christ," he muttered.

It's all over! What happened?

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector seat and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts enough." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

Why are you treating me like this? It's not warranted at all!

"Yeah? Tell that to M!"

BLAM!

... *thud*

"Yeah, I think that's taken care of him. Show me around, will you, Moneypenny?"

"Yes; the scene's right over there, James. Go down that hall, and... you know the rest."

"Will do."

Bond walked to where Moneypenny pointed and came upon the scene.

"Bloody Christ," he muttered. "It's all over here. What happened?"

"Me!" shouted Q, from over in the shadows. "I happened!"

Bond turned his head. "What?"

"Erm... well, I mean, I happened upon it, you know? Terrible thing to happen like that, poor chap."

[agentjamesbond007]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector seat and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts enough." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

Why are you treating me like this? It's not warranted at all!

"Yeah? Tell that to M!"

BLAM!

... *thud*

"Yeah, I think that's taken care of him. Show me around, will you, Moneypenny?"

"Yes; the scene's right over there, James. Go down that hall, and... you know the rest."

"Will do."

Bond walked to where Moneypenny pointed and came upon the scene.

"Bloody Christ," he muttered. "It's all over here. What happened?"

"Me!" shouted Q, from over in the shadows. "I happened!"

Bond turned his head. "What?"

"Erm... well, I mean, I happened upon it, you know? Terrible thing to happen like that, poor chap."

"What did you do to

[Mr. Blofeld]

It was a cloudy day, and Bond stared gloomily at the withering body on the tropic sands below. It seemed that the torture had been intense, as it was covered in thumb screws and hot coals.

Bond knew something was wrong when he saw the missile creep towards the horizon. "Gads, you're a bleeping idiot, sir!" Bond said, after realizing that he'd left his PPK behind; instead, he had grabbed his P99. Bond returned inside and shot at people, heading for what appeared to be a blue Jaguar... Mr. White was getting away with the money.

He ran to his Aston and flicked the Invisibility switch that instead launched the ejector seat and flew so high that he intercepted the missile, just in time to save the apple from falling off the top of Miss Moneypenny's sunhat. White's Jaguar was speeding away, however, so he decided to grab his bazooka, but it was broken. "Rats!" yelled Bond. He took a man's keys and hit him right in the nose, then he climbed into an Alfa and sped off.

In London, Miss Moneypenny was on her merry way to Q-Branch when a man came and said, "What would you say if I asked you out?" Blushing at such, she looked him right in the eyes and said, "Sorry, but I'm waiting for a certain Double-0 agent to arrive and help delete my expletives." At this, he took a large Q lapel pin and bloodied her eye with it.

"That was my eye, you wanker! I shall send 007 to Canada with Corrine," but if he was to fail, he would get the beating and beatings are no fun, especially when around the balls, which swell horribly when perforated. Moneypenny then licked them better, relishing the sweet salty tang. She then started rubbing them and the man screamed, "My taters!"

Elsewhere, Sir Miles Messervy was playing with the rather big model-sized ship on his desk. Suddenly, a cannonball crashed through the window of his office!

"What the hell was that?" he screamed at his pet rooster, who got scared and jumped on top of the bookcase.

James Bond ran into the office with his PPK out. Unfortunately, it was jammed, so remembering his training he transfered all his strengths to his footwork and not being seen...

Sir Miles looked about. "Bond!"

"Don't call me Bond, sir; call security to evacuate the building; it's going to blow into little, tiny pieces of concrete, steel, and window, sir!"

Sir Miles Messervy quickly grabbed the phone to call bomb squad, but the line was dead.

"Damn! The line's dead."

"Then use the telegraph, sir!"

"We don't have time, 007!"

"We have six minutes left!"

"Why, did you set the bomb?"

"I didn't set any bomb! It's Trevelyan, sir; he's betrayed us!"

"Who the fruck is Trevelyan?"

"Sir, that bomb is going to explode in less than five minutes! Get out, now!"

"Wait, it's three minutes, remember?"

"Does it really matter? Now, run, dammit, run, or we're all frucking dead!"

They both headed for the door, but the bomb went off just as they were about to jump, and then, all hell broke loose!

"Monkeys! Those damn dirty monkeys; they've set off a bomb before, and they've done it again! Trained monkey bombers are the most vilest bunch of lunatics--"

"That's bad grammar, 007! I'm docking your pay for that!"

"While I appreciate the gesture, let's just focus instead on the monkeys!"

MONKEY IS CODE FOR TERRORIST.

"What? Who said that?"

"Oh, it's just little ol' me , Miss Honeypenny..."

"Moneypenny, is that you?"

I'M HER EVIL ALTER-EGO, YOU SILLY TWÄT.

"So, you set off the bomb!"

I SEE YOUR SENSES WORK.

"Wait, but Moneypenny's sister's name is Funnypenny!"

"Shut up, Bond! She's not."

"Oh, grow up, you two!" said Major Boothroyd across the room.

"What room? I thought we were out of the building!"

"Well, that's my point. If I may, I will now show you how Admiral, er, M's house was reconstructed inside... Oh, what the hell! Look around you, chaps; we're inside a huge hollow volcano, and look there," Q pointed to the far end, "the hot magma is gaining on us. We'd better hurry and run if you don't want to become a roasted meal for our host..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you realized, Bond? I'm sick of your shenanigans! That's why I, Major Q. Boothroyd, formed Quantum! Payback, beeyotches!"

Suddenly, the in-FAMOUS R came in to rescue the day.

"Yes, kids. It is I, the world famous John Cleese, and I--"

"Fetchez la vache!"

"What?"

"That means, get the cow!"

"You're all crazy," said Sir Miles, as a giant cow squashed him.

"Aaaaah!" screamed John Cleese. "Potty potty, veer mah potty?!"

OH, LOOK, IT'S INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU.

"This must be a dream," Bond muttered. "I want a vodka martini."

"First, put on some clothes!" cried Q.

Bond looked down. He was now entirely naked.

"What the devil?" he grumbled.

With a start, James Bond woke from sleep.

"Oh, May, what a silly dream I've had!" Bond put his head in his hands and
rubbed his eyes.

"Please, come back to sleep." May's comforting, wrinkled hand lay on his shoulder. Bond turned and smiled at her lined, Scottish face.

"Sure, let me call M." He reached for the phone and dialed the number for Regent's Park. There was a tone, then "Hello, Admiral's office, how may I help you?"

"Moneypenny, cut the chatter; it's Bond. Is the Admiral in?"

There was a pause at the other end. "James, there's a situation. Bill's cordoned off the whole building!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"M was squashed by a falling cow during the night."

Bond sat up stark straight in bed, eyes wide open.

"WHAT?!"

How a cow had fallen onto M was inconceivable to Bond, save one explanation...

"Silly duck!" Bond seemed amused by what he figured was a prank. "Piss off, Moneypenny!"

"Sorry. It's the pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis I've contracted, James; I've been in this damned volcano office too long..."

Bond leapt up again.

"WHAT?!"

"James, come back to bed, you bonny wag!" May was now tugging at his scrotum.

"May, please, stop! It already hurts enough." Bond felt down there for lumps; noting there were none, he leaned back to the phone.

"Moneypenny, I'll be at the office in an hour. Tell Tanner--"

CIR-CHUH. The twin barrels of May's shotgun were now aimed directly at his groin.

Bond gulped. "Better make that two."

Now, bonny James, or I'll spank ye're bottum!"

"Um, darling," Bond mumbled desperately, "Can't we do something else?"

"No! Now!"

"Oh, May, but I've got to see M!"

"I'm you're M; now come, or else I will!"

Bond sighed. He had no choice. With one lean thrust, he squirted whatever sperm was left in his scrotum straight up May's wrinkly diddly-pockets.

"Ooh!" May giggled. "That tickles!"

"Good, now I'm off!"

With a deft twist, he jumped out the window of his flat and into a waiting car below.

"Hey, what are you doing? This is my car!" The driver reached over to grab Bond by the neck.

"Not anymore." Bond kicked the driver's door open, simultaneously spilling the driver onto the street with it. He reached over, shut it, and drove off, gleefully shouting "Wanker!" as he rode off into the distance.

On the pavement, our driver lay in a fit of melancholy. But never mind about him.

Bond turned the street corner and came to the light, all while his famous (and cool) theme played behind him. Yes, dear readers, this is James Bo--

Bond looked around, confused. "What's that music playing?"

It's your theme, James. It's only the one you've been using for 47 years.

"Oh, right." He thought for a moment, then: "Well, who the bloody hell are you?"

What, me? I'm the narrator; I'm paid to speak the deeds of your adventures.

"Adventures? What, am I a fictional character?"

Well, erm, I wouldn't quite put it that way--

"Hmmmph. I thought not." Bond hit the gas, steadily driving away from-- hey, where are you going?!

"WANKEEEERRR!!!"

Arrrrgghhh! I'm not paid to deal with this tripe!

Anyhow, Bond pulled up to the Regent's Park office, where the whole area was cordoned off. Moneypenny met him outside.

"James, why are you naked?"

"Long story, 'penny; could you deal with this wanker first?" Bond jerked a thumb behind him. "He's been following me around ever since that incident with Heinkel on the tropic sands."

"My pleasure." Moneypenny took one look at me, and-- OOF!

"Now, piss off!"

Why are you treating me like this? It's not warranted at all!

"Yeah? Tell that to M!"

BLAM!

... *thud*

"Yeah, I think that's taken care of him. Show me around, will you, Moneypenny?"

"Yes; the scene's right over there, James. Go down that hall, and... you know the rest."

"Will do."

Bond walked to where Moneypenny pointed and came upon the scene.

"Bloody Christ," he muttered. "It's all over here. What happened?"

"Me!" shouted Q, from over in the shadows. "I happened!"

Bond turned his head. "What?"

"Erm... well, I mean, I happened upon it, you know? Terrible thing to happen like that, poor chap."

"What did you do to the crime scene?" Bond pointed to the pink doilies drapped over M's blood-spattered desk.