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[Jim]

Casino Royale vol 1. 2006

Hey, you too cool mothers, I'm Quentin Tarantino - y'know, like, cool - and welcome to the Director's commentary on the DVD blu-ray thing for my Casino Royale vol. 1, my Bond film, from my 2006. It was just too ing cool to get Bond and do cool with it. Y'know it had all got a little stale and the sort of thing Jean-Jacques Rousseau would have called f'in meh, homie, so it needed a ing injection of cool , y'know?.

Anyway, coool.

Chapter 1: Absinthe make the heart grow fonder, and s up the brain pretty good.

OT commentary: We open in black and white - yeah, black and white! First change, no gunbarrel yet and black and white is art, yeah? Christ melonfarmer, I could eat myself up alive and frequently want to do exactomondo f'in that, ya dig? Anyhoo, black and white - and shades of deep, deep f'in grey, it's like an art film, y'know? Like a DW Griffith or Un Chien Andalou by that dead french guy and that dago fag with the moustache.

It is night in the city, an old city. A car draws up to a building from screen left and halts at the door. The building is evidently a bar in a side street somewhere in Eastern Europe. A middle-aged white dude gets out and walks to the door. This is DRYDEN, he is a British agent and very probably a fag.

Caption: PRAGUE.
Caption: THE CZECH REPUBLIC.
Caption: LIKE, DUH.

OT commentary: Y'know, I wanted to play about with the audience's expectations and that would get a f'in big laugh and how many other prickin' Pragues are there?

CUT TO:

The inside of the bar.

This is shot at a series of weird angles to make it look like a cross between The Cabinet of Dr Caligari and Polanski's Macbeth and some crazy stuff like The Haunting or and any mother that's seen films will get that, y'know?

The bar is almost empty. DRYDEN passes the camera as cooly as Liberace at a jamboree. As the camera follows him, we see that the only other occupants appear to be the transvestite barman and the band, more of which in a mo-mo. The room has many alcoves, is dark and smoky and strutting up and down the wide bartop, part of which appears to be on fire, there is an all-girl band of barefooted mulatto Koreans singing Neil Diamond cover versions, poorly.

QT commentary: You don't see this until the DVD but I called the bar the Zzzingnt Zzgroby, which is like f'in Czech or Slav or some such for The Titty Twister, like that's a homage to me, y'know.

DRYDEN walks away from the camera towards the barman. We suddenly hear a click, offscreen.

QT commentary: That motherin' click I took from the soundtrack of Das Boot or probably The Lion King or Bagpuss; anyway, anyone who has seen films will know that ing click; it's those little things, those little details that make me absolutely scrumblenumpkinly de-f'in-licious, yeah?

Camera whirls round and in mid-sorta close-up thing just like that bit in The Battleship Potemkin and The Rockford Files, we see a gun looming out of the gloom, followed by a face. This is the face of some washed up character-actor on his last hurrah, a sorta Robert Forster or Pam Grier. This is the man who is playing JAMES BOND.

QT commentary: Y'know, it was obviously Pierce Brosnan for Bond, y'know - obviou-lutely. Coolest mother on the planet. We had a sorta chat before filming, I think it was me talking mostly, and we hit on this new angle to play Bond, y'know 'cause everyone thinks they know Bond but they really f'in don't, y'know, so we decided on Bond, at the start of the story, being washed up and out of the service due to that last film, whatever it was called, and having to earn his f'in stripes back for England or whatever and also to play him as a washed up American hero because that resonates, y'know? No-one knows about the Queen and china cups and like that any more, yeah? Everyone wants an Irish-American hero, y'know - he's just this regular guy who happens to work for the Brits. And Brosnan saw that and got the accent down absolute, yeah? A-f'in-mazin.

BOND is sitting at a table. Behind him there is a poster of the Czech version of Kiss Me Deadly, like that's too sorta out-there, yeah? In front of him, a glass of absinthe: this shines out in green.

QT commentary: Such a cool thing, they drink absinthe those Czech guys - I mean, how cool is that? I see Bond as an absinthe sorta guy, like Erik Estrada in CHiPs or Ching Chang Choller in Dragon Master Death II, that sorta cool, he just bleeds it.

BOND

That bitch M doesn't mind you earning money on the side, Dryden. She'd just much prefer it, ya dig, if you didn't do it by selling mother ing secrets, yer .

DRYDEN sits at the table. The green absinthe still glows like that scene in The Magnificent Ambersons (probably).

DRYDEN
(faggily)

Ah, Bond. A very much unsurprise to see you here. You appear with the tedious inevitability of your next drink.

Close up on BOND: get it so he looks like Elvis in Fun in Acapulco. Get it like that or I walk, yeah?

BOND

Yeah, nice line, Marciano. But I'm the one holding the gun.

DRYDEN

Good gun? You like that gun, Bond? Looks like the sort of gun a real man would have, like Sonny Chiba or Walter Mondale.

BOND

You bet your motherin' a-hole, mongtard. Walther PPK. When you absolutely, positively gotta kill every last mother[censored]er in the room. So look around you bandito; you are that last mother[censored]er.

DRYDEN

One of the advantages of being station chief; I'd know who had been reinstated as a double-oh, wouldn't I? Last I heard of you, you were in disgrace.

DRYDEN removes his gloves in what can only be described as a homosexy manner.

BOND
(Unsmiling, like Jack Palance or Chewbacca)

Au contraire mon frere - I was in f'in Korea.

DRYDEN

Too bad it all has to end. I was just getting to like you, Bond.

BOND

Can it with the fag talk, hombre.

BOND shoots DRYDEN in the left arm, the bullet passing through the glass so that DRYDEN is soaked in green RATHER THAN RED. Too ing cool or what?

BOND

Did Greedo shoot first?

Suddenly, DRYDEN pulls out his gun, and fires it at BOND. The click of empty. A different click, this time - take this one from Taste the Blood of Dracula.

BOND

Beretta. Nice and light. For a lady's handbag.

DRYDEN

I have a man bag.

BOND

What is it with those man bags, bro? Me, I just have a money clip, yeah? Is it a European thing? Mother[censored]er - I just don't see why a man would want a bag. Bag, bag, bag, bag, bag. Just like fag, fag, fag, fag, fag.

DRYDEN

How exceptionally droll.

BOND

"Droll". I just love that; you don't get anyone other than a faggy Brit sayin' things like mother[censored]ing droll, it's one of those things that I sorta notice, yeah, one of those little details, yeah?

DRYDEN

How many of those absinthes have you had, Bond?

BOND

Too damn few, Magoo. Anyway, who needs the green fairy when I have a big soon-to-be-hugely-f'in-dead fairy right here?

DRYDEN

Oh, riotous applause. Anyway, your file shows no new kills since you were thrown out of the section. To become a double-oh again, you need...

BOND

'tude.

DRYDEN

Two.

CUT TO: Interior, bathroom, day, still black and white. BOND, looking m-f'in sharp, and THE GUY wearing ironic clothing (but without irony) fighting. Still in black and white but each punch that draws blood, the blood is red.

QT commentary: It's like Raging Bull, yeah and I am the new Scorsese but without the substance. Me saying that is like irony, yeah?

There are teeth flying at the screen - film this bit in genuine Andre de Toth 3-D, will look too cool for school, especially when the blood spurts out at the audience, bits of urinal fly out of the screen and BOND, using a sharpened splinter of smashed cubicle door, rips the THE GUY's left arm out of its socket and gushes of gore douse the screen in that old red juice. Before we cut back, we see BOND and THE GUY slippering and slappering around on the tiled floor which is running with type-AB, internal organs and bits of ing toilet.

CUT TO: The bar in Prague. This scene will be directed by Rodriguez and in defeating the audience's expectations, in exactly the same way I would have filmed it so you can't tell.

QT commentary: This is my observation on the rent-a-directors the Bond series has always has when you just don't know who the hell filmed them, y'know?

DRYDEN

How did he die?

BOND

Your contact?

DRYDEN

Mm-hm.

BOND

Like Ed McMahon in a mother'ing blender.

DRYDEN

Being British, I have no idea what that cultural reference means.

QT commentary: I wanted that to be a homage to Fleming. I mean, you read the Fleming books now and there are all these references that we - that's me speaking for all of you - don't get, like World War II, London, playing Bridge, and good manners. So I decided to have a reference Fleming wouldn't get and I know for goddamn sure he would have liked it and if he didn't who cares 'cause he's a dead mother, yeah?

BOND

Oh sister, it was real bad. Bad bad. I mean, whatever is bad bad, baddest of the bad, the badmost, the badmeister. Bad. Not at all well.

CUT TO: Interior. Bathroom. Day. THE GUY is lying on the floor in a lake of his own viscera and BOND is attacking him with a bust faucet. When this only results in mild bruising, BOND rethinks his strategy and uses THE GUY's own severed arm. Again, despite huge amounts of splatter, the er still won't die - it's like that scene in Torn Curtain for a media-aware and jaded audience - so BOND rips a towel dispenser off the wall and starts hammering away with that.

CUT TO:

DRYDEN

No matter. The second is...

BOND shoots DRYDEN in the HEAD and the HEAD explodes in fabulous Technicolor. Like Scanners, y'know, just like f'kin Scanners. Cooliscious.

BOND

Con-ing-sinderablomondo, cupcake.

CUT TO: Interior. Bathroom. Day. BOND is walking away from the camera to pick up his gun. He is covered in red. He merely flicks some of the blood away and it all drops off - y'know, so cool, this is James Bond, yeah? Cool.

Suddenly, THE GUY rises from the floor, his head a bloody pulp but raises his gun...

POV shot from the inside of the gunbarrel: BOND turns and fires. The screen fills with blood and we segue into

THE THEME SONG

QT commentary: Which is sung by Gary Glitter because that would be too ironic and I may just in' explode or retreat into licking myself all over because I want to and no-one else will, sob.

[Jim]

Hey, y'know, it's like Quentin ing Tarantino here again, ing cool man and I'm still ing doing a ing Bond film I can't believe how ing lucky I am and neither can you, new shmoo.

Chapter 2: Somewhere in not ing Buckinghamshire

QT commentary: OK, so song over, what ing happens next I hear you axing? Actually I ing don't but give me a ing break.

CUT TO: Guerilla camp, Uganda, day. It is ing raining. They've never had ing rain in a ing Bond moofee before and only four ing words into mine and it's ing raining already. ing visionary. Suitable mise-en-scene for those of you who speak French like me 'cause I go to Cannes, ya dig?. Some armed kids running around, maybe a coupla deformities 'cause they're ing cool, like that deleted scene from the bootleg version of Tom's Midnight ing Garden I stole from Topeka Joe the Killer and presented at the Venice Beach Festival Of ing Cool Stuff, that's the actual name - how motherin' cool is that, bitch? I want this to look like that bit in Sonatine or The Scarlet ing Claw but as if filmed by a Ugandan - is that an Ugandan, weird - in fact, when I film it, I will be ing chanelling Idi Amin Dada, shouldn't be too ing hard. Anyhoo, here comes one bad mutha and he is definolutely gonna be played by Sam L Jacksy. If SLJ is not in this I will burn the ing negative. And he must play him as if it was Samuel L. Jackson impersonating Charles Hawtrey impersonating Samuel L. Jackson. We is going to ing call his character OBANNO and that's cool, y'know, 'cause that's the name of a weird character in Louis Malle's 1977 version of The Seagull and I know I can ing say that 'cause it's not as if you're going to check and that's how I get away with this tired old .

OBANNO

So how do I ing trust this N-word with my ing money, hot lips?

CLOSE IN on MR WHITE, who is obvio-dingdong played by Harv Keitel. This is funny. This is a joke. Sundance will ing love it. People will ing love me for it. Please.

MR WHITE

Hey, don't be doing bad ing karma at me, you dig?

OBANNO

Not ing hugely, no.

CUT TO a top of the mothering range Hummer (do I get one?) drawing up. Out gets a guy who looks like Max Shreck and he is played by Michael ing Stipe and he must not ing say anything and under no circumstances may he sing. He is allowed to have a blue stripe of war paint across the bridge of his ing nose or whatever fruit he wants. Colin McCool. He is followed by LE CHIFFRE - need a bit of gi-tar here, for this is another bad mutha. He can be played by anyone as long as it's me.

LE CHIFFRE

what a hole. knows what ing ly Tamworth Castle . Jesus H Bitch.

OBANNO

Oh, hello. You tell me, N-word, whether I should trust your N-word , ya kapishing me?

LE CHIFFRE

Show me the ing money, N-word

SUDDENLY! Guns. Absolutementally loads drawn. Mehiocian stand-offskiness, and only five minutes in. Woo!

OBANNO

You don't ing N-word me, N-word. That's racist jive, you ing N-wording N-wordly N-word.

LE CHIFFRE

So you can ing N-word me all you like but I can't N-word you?

OBANNO

Got it in bullseye, I-Spy.

LE CHIFFRE

me, why not?

OBANNO

I only say this ; you ing wrote it.

LE CHIFFRE

Time to get back into ing character, homie.

OBANNO

Tell me, Mr Le ing Chiffre, do you believe in the Silver Surfer?

LE CHIFFRE

I tell you, I tell you, I tell you, it's like so ing cool and fascinating and , I never dug the Silver Surfer - I mean, I dug him, what sort of assed fag would not dig Silv? - but I have to set my ing stall out on The Green ing Hornet, like he was the rat's cock and if I had to choose, y'know, to sleep, like ing sleep, like a cartoon character, it would be The Green ing Hornet, not in a ty fag way but y'know, it would be so ing cool, 'cause he's so ing slick and and I'd get rid of that ing fag Bruce Lee sidekick and he'd have to butt ing out, y'know, and it would be like that thing that ing Queen sang about when it was all about the ing Invisible Man and they start ing screaming "John Deacon, John Deacon" like, man, I would be screaming "John Deacon, John Deacon" and I have no idea what I'm talking about now but EMPIRE magazine will probably ing love it.

OBANNO

It's yes or ing no, pimhole.

CLOSE UP on MR WHITE, chanelling The Brotherhood of Man and Zelda from Terrahwaks in his Zanussi squint, deciding which of these two ing inept a-holes to kill first and just steal the money, thus mercifully ending the film, did I really write that?

LE CHIFFRE

Call it a ing slam-dunk finger-lickin' I'm lovin' it flame-grilled vorsprung durch yes, bitch.

OBANNO

Please have all of my money. I have no ing idea why.

LE CHIFFRE opens the case. We do not see what is in it, but it shines gold at him. Goddam shee-it , I'm good.

LE CHIFFRE

Bing ing - o, Dorothy. Now, listen up Jafar, You just off for an hour - I'm goin' to do some bitchin' plot.

MR WHITE

'Bout ing time.

LE CHIFFRE pulls out the biggest mutha telemophone you ever did see. This is ing not, repeat not, just so that you can see it behind my chin. Any ing chin jokes and I'll slap you like that guy in that restaurant that time or was that allegedly I don't ing know or care.

CUT TO: Interior, London (England), day. All very tea at ing three and ing sponge cake. BANKER sits at DESK.

BANKER picks up his faggy Britphone. BANKER MUST BE PLAYED BY TOM CHADBON.

QT commentary: No-one else can ing summon up the raw ing manliness of BANKER like The Chad, The Chaderoonie, he who ing gave the world - and the world have better not ing forget it - his definitive Lenny Monk in Crown Prosecutor, I loved that show as much as I love a nice egg, but probably not as much as ing Pulaski. You dig? Dug.

BANKER

Have you noticed that there have been precisely no women in this at all, so far?

LE CHIFFRE

Shut yo' white-bread bitch flab flaps, N-word.

BANKER

So if you call me N-word, that's ... not racist?

LE CHIFFRE

I don't ing know! Stop picking on my half-dozen ing word vocab-u-lar-y, vocabulary bitch, unless you want me to mention Jean-Luc Godard and Captain Kangaroo, whatever either of those are.

BANKER

Hm. So, quick exposition amidst the swearing and showing-off; you've unbelieveably quickly diddled a terrorist out of his money...

LE CHIFFRE

Diddled, yea me I love that ing word. Is that a Brit fag bitch slap of un mot, y'know?

BANKER

...and now you want to invest it against some airline or other oh why do I have to do the dull bits? May I, perchance, presume as to assume as to enquire why?

LE CHIFFRE

No, you may mothering not.

BANKER

Und warum?

LE CHIFFRE

Because they're going to die! I mean ing die! Die! Die! In a ing bad way! Real scary , man, like die! Die! And not die in the German word for "the", I noticed your mothering German just then Erich von Stroheim, no, not a Klaus Kinski "Die" but a full-on, headed in your head face like Princess Di "Die", all gonna die, and it's gonna be ing bad.

BANKER

And that's the plot, is it?

LE CHIFFRE

off, honky white man non-cool mother.

LE CHIFFRE turns his telephone off and looks over at MR WHITE who is picking his teeth with a machete or whatever is lying about. He is evidently drinking a Dr Pepper through a bendy straw, 'cause that's cool. His stare is now slightly ing more Colchester.

LE CHIFFRE

We sure ing diddled that dumb N-word, yeah?

OBANNO

I'm still ing here, dead bitch.

MR WHITE gently burps through the fruity ing loveliness, drains his drink - we stay on him until we hear the last ing gurgle, it has to take ten minutes of uninterrupted take - and then sighs at the incompetence of it; I want him ing lit like Jean Cocteau did that bit in whatever, some crazy French . At this point the scene must ing end - I know the audience will ing want more and want to ing know what happens next but I'm not going to ing tell them. This is why I am QT Hot and

U
R
Not.

[Loomis]

It is night in the city, an old city. A car draws up to a building from screen left and halts at the door. The building is evidently a bar in a side street somewhere in Eastern Europe. A middle-aged white dude gets out and walks to the door. This is DRYDEN, he is a British agent and very probably a fag.

Ah, I wondered what that line about M thinking Dryden was "bent" was all about.

[Jim]

Heyheyhey, melonfarmers: Q to the Q of the N to the T here again, back in the box ing seat of the Director’s Commentary of this, my Casino Royale with Pierce Bronson based on some ing book by a dead guy; guess I won that ing one, yeah? OK, so, on with the show, Moe.

Chapter 3: Rundown Africa. Well, it ing is, bitch.

CUT TO: Somewhere around the corner, pretending to be Madagascar or somewhere like that, somewhere foreign, yeah? Like full of weird . ‘Kay, so here’s an arena and they’re all watching a big ing fight between a snake and a goose. An actual ing goose. Bit one sided, but who gives a ? Anyhoo, there’s two other guys, one of them is BOND and the other is some other a-hole, who has two lines tops. He is DEAD.

DEAD

Shee-it; looks like our guy there, in the mother[censored]ing crowd, standing out like a guy with a hedge in his eye.

BOND
(Standing to one side, observing from above like a Jesus on stilts or a disappointed giraffe)

What you smoking’, bro?

DEAD
(Finger to his ear, some ing spy thing, coolio doolio)

He’s on the ing move, the terrorist .

BOND

Take your white bread mother[censored]ing finger out of your mother[censored]ing ear or I’ll kick your teeth so far down your mother[censored]ing throat that the next time your fag boyfriend s you they’ll bite his dick off.

DEAD

I cannot comply for I have no more lines.
(Falls over; is eaten by goose)

BOND

ing holy Jesus mother[censored]ing Gil!

(Proceeds to chase after bomber. The bomber is called MOLLAKALAKKADINGDONG and this is no way freakin’ racist and that’s because I say it isn’t, it’s bionic iconic and ironic and to proooove this, he is done played by Captain Caveman, so swivel on that, cockmuncher)

(Chase ensues: BOND, dressed in a bright yellow ing tracksuit, leaps from building to building with really coool industrial strength wirework help and s up a building site real damn good)

QT commentary: Yeah, well, we knew Pierce might have been a little nervous, a little edgy y’know about being in a skin tight yellow Game of mother ing Death jumpsuit, ‘cause, y’know, he ain’t no ing springly chick no more but we had this so cooooool idea it was hot, to get this whole sequence animated by Bob mother ing Godfrey, yeah? Him what drewed Roobarb and Custard and everything goes all ing wobbly so you don’t notice Pierce’s fat pensioner so much. Yeah? I’m so good. Listen to that? That sound effect as Pierce leaps from that crane? Yeah, know what that is? Pop quiz, mother[censored]er. Know what it is? No? ha! I win! I’m so much ing better than yous. That, hombre, was the sound made by the one-armed ing bandits in the background in the arcade when Ro-Land found Zammo smacked out of his tiny skull. Look, I’m writing about a ing British icon, so there had to be some reference to the defining point of British popular culchur of the past thirty years, yeah? Yeah? Remember? I had to give you a ing clue though, yeah? So I’m so much more ing cleverer that you. Goddamn, look at the wobble on that!

BOND chases MOLLAKALAKKADINGDONG on a crane. MOLLAKALAKKADINGDONG hurls his club at BOND, who catches it and throws it back! Freakin’ a-may-zing.

MOLLAKALAKKADINGDONG

Uh? CAPTAIN CAAAAAAAVEEEEEMAAAAAN!

(They fall off the crane. MOLLAKALAKKADINGDONG lands safely; BOND lands in a big wobbly yellow heap. CUSTARD THE CAT sits on the fence, and laughs)

BOND

Oh, you are so going to ing pay for that, cartoon mother[censored]er cromagno-bitch.

BOND chases MOLLA… oh, it, CAVEY into AN EM-BA-SSAY and proceeds to shoot gooks and create some real and blows up and he ends up as cornered as that guy in that bit in that movie.

EM-BA-SSAY GUY

Let him go, in French.

BOND

You want me to let him go in French? How the do I do that? Put a nuke up his and send him to the Pacific? Go Oh--de-lah-lah and go Tintin on his head?

EM-BA-SSAY GUY

Tintin’s ing Belgian, fag. In French.

BOND

Cool. But any more weird and I get totally Obelix, ya dig?

EM-BA-SSAY GUY

I dug. In French.

BOND

So, let’s get cool here. You want me to let him go in French?

EM-BA-SSAY GUY

No. I’m saying let him go, in French.

BOND

No you’re mother[censored]ing not. That was English, or the nearest we’ve had written for us.

EM-BA-SSAY GUY

[censuré].

BOND

Giscard D’Es - ing - tang, mother[censored]er.

(Proceeds to blow up; shoots CAVEY, disappears)

CUT TO: BOND hiding, opening MOLLAKALAKKADINGDONG’s manbag. Sudden - ing - ly a pigeon flutters out! This is my homage to other Bond films and not just the absence of an original ing idea. Tied around the bottom of the carrier pigeon’s leg is a slip of paper. On it is written “EPILEPSIS” or some such . BOND looks thoughtful / moody / constipated / does that weird ing thing with his jaw.

[Jim]

Chapter 4: Fag Land

CUT TO: Londinium. The Palace of Westminster, which is where the Queen lives with the King or she should because I ing said so.

QT commentary: I wanted a new M. Y’know, Jooooodie Dench was cool but was getting a bit Mickey ing Rooney so we had to get someone who could convey equally ing well that sense of female authority and, in later scenes, be flirtatiously maternal with Pierce B. No doubt, one shoo-in. Lee Majors. Hell, we wanted him, he needed the cash and he hadn’t yet realised that the reason I get these washed-up guys in my films isn’t for irony, it’s so I can dangle greenbacks in front of them and they ing dance for me while I patronise them and I ING WON THAT ONE, MAJORS, ya . Unknown ing stuntman? Unknown ing last twenty years of your ing career, that‘s the triple truth, Ruth. And he looks ing humiliated in a dress. Touchdown, ho-down, for Kew Tee.

M

. Bond’s gone ing ape. And those bastards in there are all a bunch of faggy Brit politicians like that Thatcher dude or Lord Churchill or whatever crazy it was.

QT commentary: M walking with her assistant, a skinny white British guy. When we wrote this , we didn’t have a name so just called the character “Elvis”, ‘cause Elvis is the King, ya know? But we had to change it because keeping it as a character name for the film isssself, that’d be just , yeah? So, he ended up being called PHAGGE.

PHAGGE

Tsk!

M

Yeah, motherin’ tsk, Phagge. on a saucer, I miss the mother[censored]ing Cold War. 99 Red Balloons and all that Nena , yeah? ing Scorpions ers. And anyway, where's Miss Honeybunny?

PHAGGE

We had a bitch-slap mother ing smackdown over who loved James more and I ing beat the ho, so I now have her locked in my closet and I feed her dog biscuits and asparagus and I get high on the wee. It's like a faggy Baby Jane thing.

M

Hooooo-kay. That's... good.

[Jim]

Chapter 5: It's Quentin ing Tarantino time, bee-atches!

CUT TO: A yacht. ‘Bout time this ing film got back to MEEEEEEEE. There’s this nearly nekkid ho walking past me while I play cards and I feel positively heterosexual and just like James ing Bond. . I cast myself in the wrong ing part! .

QT commentary: It‘s ‘kay, over it now. ‘Kay ‘kay ‘kay, here I am playing cards with some sinister dudes. Now, we done had ourselves a think about what sort of card games we’d use, ‘cause it is sorta called Casino Royale, yeah, so we weren’t going to have Horace Goes ing Skiing, not after the third re-write anyway. So, card games. ing picked the right ones. Ob-vio-lutely.

LE CHIFFRE

Snap! Mother[censored]er!

ALMOST MUTE ASIAN HO, CALLED “HO”

See? Told you he was quick.

ALMOST MUTE LATINO CHARACTER ACTOR

me, you’re sooo cooool, Le Chiffre. No-one’s cooler than you and I bet everything you do is cool.

LE CHIFFRE

You’d win that bet, stick. [Audience laughs. They‘d better ing laugh]

ALMOST MUTE LATINO CHARACTER ACTOR

Urr - what’s happening to your face, man? That’s so ing gross, man.

LE CHIFFRE

Fret not, pig. It’s nothing ing sinister.

INCREASINGLY UNMUTE LATINO CHARACTER ACTOR

Course it’s ing sinister, ya crazy ! Your chin’s sweating Dubonnet. Grossarama.

LE CHIFFRE

Stop talking about the ing chin!

CAN’T SOMEONE SHOOT THIS ING GUY?

You should be called ing Le Chin.

LE CHIFFRE

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it BITCH!

DEAD MEAT WALKING

Says it’s not ing sinister. Says it’s something OK. Says it’s nothing to worry about. Sister, you are one mad ed up .

MICHAEL STIPE
(Intervening, before I slap this back to the future)

Come and have a look at something on the televisulator, Massster!

LE CHIFFRE

Ok, cool.

MY ENEMY

…if you can see past the chin.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE and MICHAEL STIPE looking at televismolophone device. We see BOND doing bad , in a cool way.

LE CHIFFRE

OK, so that s up the plot no-one yet knows about and when they do, they won’t ing understand. ‘Kay, it’s cool. Not ing panicking. ‘Kay. Need my inhaler! Need my inhaler!

HIM AGAIN

You really are a sickly ing child, aren’t you? No wonder you’re so insecure, with all this ing swearing and violence and showing off.

LE CHIFFRE

You’re not even meant to be in this ing scene! Get the out! Raus! Raus! You, there, Stipe, throw him overboard!

A DEVOTED FAMILY MAN AND A MUCH MISSED FRIEND

We’re on a set in Prague.

LE CHIFFRE

Ooh, you are so ing dead.

[Jim]

Chapter 6: Loveshack, baby

CUT TO: Bond ripping the carrier pigeon apart in a voodoo ritual, to try to find from whence it mother ing came. “Whence”. So cool. Background music: the theme to Scarecrow and Mrs King. We added that in ing post-production to honour Pierce, ‘cause he was in that in the ing 80s, yeah? Wasn’t he? Ah, who gives a .

BOND

Hmm. Hmm. Huhhhhh. Hmmm. (Tastes blood of pigeon). The Bahamas. Unmistakeable.

(Gnaws shoulder of dead bird; emoting. , I’m welling up here).

M
(Sashays in, hot ing minx)

Whaddya ing doing here, Bahnd? You got yourself a ing cheek, you ing cheek gotting .

BOND

Chill, bitch. Next time I’ll ing shoot myself, yeah?

M

You do that, er. (Throws down copy of The Times of Londinium: headline “CRICKETBALL MATCH GOES INTO FINAL DECADE”) You were supposed to arrest that er, not him so deep he’s got your cock for a tongue. And who the shoots up an em-ba-ssay? Makes me want to shoot something else up, you irresponsible double-o . And how the did you get in here?

BOND

Same way I found out your name. I always though M was a randomly assigned letter. I had no ing idea it stood for Jane.

M

Yeah, the M's ing silent.

BOND

I wish you ing were.

M

Enough of this crazy man talk, ya dig? People are listening. Um… me, mainly. Ya dig?

BOND

Double dug. So, you wan’ me to be half monk, half hitdude and half … um… just those…?

M

No. This may be too much for a dumb like you to understand, but you’ve got to be a blinger with a slick trigger finger for Her Majesty.

BOND

And what the does that even ing mean, crazy talking in tongues man-bitch?

M

Look, Bahhhnnnd, just off out of here. Go sit on a bitch and think about your future. Don’t go thinking about your past. Don’t be a past-thinkin’ mother er dude, verstanden? If you do that, I will promise you that I will get all eggy on your . Oh, and Bahhhnnnnnnd?

BOND

Yeah, man?

M

Don’t you ever ing break into my trailer again. Or I’ll rip off your ing fingers and feed them to you, anally.

BOND

Sure, dude. But where else in Londinium am I going to find a voodoo temple, man?

M

This is a ing point. Look at the big brain on Bahhhnnnnnddd. But off anyway.

BOND

Okey dokey, smokey pokey

M

Are you ing off yet? Are you being the ing off guy?

BOND

I'm gone man, solid gone.

M

No you're evidently ing not. Get out.

BOND

Tony Grealish, baby. I'm Tonally ing Grealish.

M

Now you're being a ing idiot. off!

BOND

You bet your bippy, honeypie

M

OFF!

[Jim]

Chapter 7: Ba - ing - hamas, for about an hour

CUT TO: The Bahamas, day.

QT commentary: OK, so here’s Bond hiring a car. Yeah, product ing placement; hate it, man, hate it. ‘Bout as much as I hate intel - ing - lectual property lawyers. What’s ing intellectual about Sonny Chiba mooovies? But no, can’t copy them because they’re all so ing intellectual; yeah, like they‘re ing Jean Eustache or Olivier Panis. So, anyway, we got sponsored by Dodge and I wanted Bond in a vintage orange Charger, so we did because I get my ing way, yeah, and we put a Unionay ay Jackay on the roof; suck my , Boss Hogg.

BOND
(Sniffing his fingers, the remains of the pigeon blood. Looks whistfully into distance, runs over some ing gooks, da-da-da-da-dalalah-lah-lah-lah)

I know that ing smell… I love the SMELL of pigeon rigOR mortis.. in the… morNING.

QT commentary: Jus' freakin' lovin the way Pierce does that actin'.

CUT TO: Some hotel or other, full of rich Joes and slinky Hos.

BOND
(Leaps from the General Lee… the General Gordon (will this do? QT) and starts sniffing the steps of the hotel. Self-satisfied smirk appears on his face, but he also appears to have found what he is looking for. Behind him, marginally fatter German man appears. he is called GER MAN)

GER MAN

Deutschland uber alles and all that mother ing Eurotrash ! Hey, du, man who is much too old and well groomed for me to plausiblisch mistaken for ein valethund, taken Sie mein AUTO nicht wahr und be quick or I vill annex you.

BOND

Hold on a mo-fo mo, ho. So we’ve barely had a woman say anything so far…

GER MAN

…Vell, zere VOSS der voman, M

BOND

As I ing said, barely a woman. And you weren’t there. Shut the up, Kaiser Jim. So, hardly a peep from a ho and yet you get lines and this is the best that the dialogue gets?

GER MAN

Iss ironic

BOND

Is a ing terrible excuse

GER MAN

Look, are you goink to take zer ferkink KARRR or not, Englander pig-dog running hound scumschwein?

CUT TO: BOND looking at the car - it’s a ing Panzer tank. Huge ing laughs from audience.

CUT TO: BOND mashing every ing thing with the tank, thus creating a diversion. He’s so cool.

CUT TO: BOND doing something with security DVDs. When’s he going to kiss a lady and do something ing interesting? Finds bit of film he’s looking for - an evil dude we will come to know as DIMITRIOS, like that’s so ing Ambler, yeah?, none-more-Ambler than me, letting the pigeon loose. BOND does that smile thing and the lips/finger one as well. No ing clue why.

CUT TO: Reception desk

BOND

G’day. Me want room. Here card.

FIRST ACTUAL WOMAN TO SPEAK AND THE FILM’S ONLY BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT A WEEK; I KNOW I DON’T WRITE WOMEN WELL BUT THIS IS ING RIDICULOUS

Yes.

QT commentary: , she really labours that line.

BOND

Oh yes, while I remember to completely make something up on the spot that’s about as ing transparent as that blouse of yours: I was here last week and I’m afraid I nicked the door of a rather mother ing fingerlickin’ cool February 10th 1964 Arrston Marrtin with my… um… tank.

SHE GOT A SECOND LINE!

Yes.

BOND

I was wondering if I needed to make a ing apolo-gee, to whom I ing should?

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

That would be Mr Dimitrios. He’s a cruel and bad mother er with a pretty wife. Even as I say it, I know where this is going. So much for starting this ing series afresh. Lives along the beach. He’s like a surf dude, but an evil surf dude, yeah? A surf Nazi.

BOND

Surf Nazis must die!

WILL HAVE A THEATRE NAMED AFTER HER

Yeah, right. Sure. It’s like Point Break but without Keanu and instead with, um, you.

BOND
(Sobs)

CUT TO: Londinium. PHAGGE is deep in the bowels of someone… somewhere and he’s doing computer . I’m bored, mom. I want an explosiononey. He is gluing a message to M to a pigeon’s leg, and then ing hurls it out the goddamn window.

QT commentary: No ing animals were hurt in the making of this picture. Quite a few of the ers killed, though. It’s ing kinder that way, y’know.

[Jim]

Chapter 8: Still mainly The ing Bahamas, bit of Fag Land, no real plot

CUT TO: Beach, The Bahamas. SOLONG is riding along the beach, chased by a number of children ing fascinated at the sight. Well, it’s not every ing day you see a woman riding a horse, is it? Not at Video Dungeon, any ing way. Loads of films of horses riding women, though.

BOND splashes upwards out of the sea in a pair of ing tiny trunks. As he walks to the shore and makes hot-mama here’s-grandaddy eyes at SOLONG, Greenpeace run into view and try to roll him back into deeper water.

DIMITRIOS looks on, like one bad dude of a mother[censored]er. He knows what’s going on. He knows about SOLONG and all those ing bellhops. He’s never understood why he keeps finding hay in the bedroom, though. No, wait, the way she’s ing stroking that horse… Oh man, she’s so ing dead.

SOLONG obviously hasn’t said anything. Y’know.

CUT TO: M in bed, with a guy.

QT commentary: Given that M is played by a freakin’ man, I thought it would be mother ing cooler than ing radishes to have this guy played by a woman and someone equally ing ironic but I hit a real ing problem when I ing found out there weren’t any ing ironic people left. I’d run that ing joke dry. Days I ing wasted in the casting of this, in they all came - Charlene ing Tilton, Winnie Mandela, Hana Mandlikova, all the ing greats - and they just weren’t ing ironic enough. So, I thought, what the , did it myself. Doesn’t write, the .

CUT TO: Pigeon smashing through bedroom window, smashes into back wall showering M and QUENTIN TARANTINO THE FIRST with guts and gore and feathers and beak. Or more of them; hey, it is a ing voodoo temple, remembery?

M
(Reading message: raises eyebrows, starts writing out own message; voiceover by Judge ing Reinhold and we were too damn lucky to get him, I ing tells you)

Okay, so like why the are you telling me he’s in The Bahamas? You wake me up to tell me his holiday… , running out of room to write. RSVP. M. xx

M pulls open her bedside cabinet to reveal a cleverly hidden pigeon coop; all the birds look ing terrified. She picks one out, nails the message to its leg and then hurls it offscreen like the quarterbackingest quarterback you ever did see, I swear. A lot. And will swear a whole ing load more if anyone alleges I stole this from Harry ing Potter.

CUT TO: The Bahamas, still. BOND is sitting at a laptop operating on Hollywood ing broadband when you get no pop ups and it’s all ing instantaneous. I invented that. He is on the MI6 website (no, not that ing one) and it’s telling him all sorts of mad about bad dudes. He is particularly frowny when it comes to a photo of me. Not a bad photo, if I say so my mother[censored]ing self. Chin looking jutty. Cool. Message across photo reads “THIS IS ONE BIG BAD MOTHER[censored]ER AND YOU PRONOUNCE IT SHIFFRRR, NOT CHIFFER, DICKWAD”

CUT TO: Londinium. PHAGGE whacks the pigeon’s head against the corner of his desk (possibly a euphemism), reads M’s message, writes his own. Due to anti-fag laws, his voiceover lines are spoken by Gerry Adams.

PHAGGE

Yeah, dude, I know, bitch, but he’s in our website pulling off all sorts of information and using your ing password and , and then leaving messages on the ing blog like “What choons are you listening today to?” and “Whoopi Goldberg smells waxy”. , I’ve managed to write a lot on this little bit of…

PHAGGE picks up a fresh pigeon, welds the message onto its beak and then drop kicks it into a Londinium pea-souper. He then has a cup o’ tea and starts smoking on a fag.

CUT EXTREMELY RAPIDLY TO: The Bahamas. Bond is propping up the bar, probably ing wondering when something’s going to like, ing, happen.

BARMAN

To drink, sir?

BOND

JD slammer and a whole bucket o’ Bud. [QT: please translate into English drink; I dunno, ing Horlicks or something. Just do it. Do it now]

BOND notices GER MAN. They exchange glances.

BOND

Sieg Heil, face.

BOND wanders over to the gaming table where DIMITRIOS sits. He has won a lot of little plastic money stuff.

BOND

Mind if I join in and, like, win?

DIMITRIOS

Can you not see all the plastic I have? I think it means I’m winning. I think.

BOND

Whoopee-do. Have a ing badge. No, wait, a ing trophy. And let me get it ing engraved for you. How many Is in that? No, not your name. In the word “”.

DIMITRIOS

Well, even though you’ve given me no reason to be, I shall now be inexplicably hostile to you and also to my wife. Hey, bitch, over here! You’re late, pig. Where you been?

SOLONG

Oh, just at the stables.

DIMITRIOS

Mutha[censored]er!

CUT TO: M’s bedroom. M sits up in bed, looking at her watch, waiting for the ing pigeon to arrive. You can tell that she’s wondering if there’s an easier way to ing do this.

CUT TO: The Bahamas. It’s a high stakes ing game now. Ooh. Bond has quite a bit of the plastic stuff in front of him as well; some of it’s red which is probably hugely ing meaningful.

DIMITRIOS

OK, another twenty thousand.

TROLL

Sorry Sir, table stakes only

QT commentary: Really ing good work there as The Troll by Judi Dench

DIMITRIOS

(Picks up car keys) OK, these were uncannily on the ing table, wife-swapping thing probably, so…

BOND

Are you telling me that a 1964 Arrrrrrrrston Marrrrrrtin DB5 is only worth $20,000? , that’s some credit ing crunch.

DIMITRIOS

Yeah, well, it just doesn’t have enough horsepower

SOLONG

I find one horse powerful enough for me

DIMITRIOS

You’re really deserving this highly ing obvious death of yours, you ing know that? Anyway, meanwhile, back at the ing plot, or what’s ing left of it, let’s see if you can match my bid…

BOND
(Pushes all the little plastic things across the table. Like ing Lego)

I see you and match your car with mine. Not that it’s technically mine but that. Not that it’s actually mine, but that too.

TROLL

Ok, Mr Dimitrios, it’s your call. Call. Call. Come on, say ing something. Hello? McFly?

DIMITRIOS

I've played all my cards. And that's what you've done too.

TROLL

Nothing more to say?

DIMITRIOS

No more ace to play

GER MAN
(Sitting at bar, melancholy, nursing a bourbon, singing softly into it)

Zer Vinner takes it all. Zer loser standing schmall.

BOND
(Enthusiatic, but rampagingly amateurish)

BeSIDE thurrrr VICToreeee. That's herrr desTINY!

TROLL

ing Jesus, that was terrible. Let's get on with the ing film, yeah? Some people have ing babysitters. Those that aren't ing the babysitters.

DIMITRIOS

I say it was Reverend Green in the Library with the ing candlestick.

BOND

The was it. Ha!

DIMITRIOS

Oh ing hell. Troll?

TROLL

It wasn’t. He sunk your battleship, wit.

DIMITRIOS

Customer service is going really ing downhill here.

BOND

Keys please, Louise. And the valet ticket. And your wife. Oh, , what a ing giveaway.

BARMAN

Mr Dimitrios, There’s a message for you. Like there always ing is in films like this. (Holds up mangled, maggotty crow. This means it is an eeeeeevil message)

DIMITRIOS

(Reads message). Ah. (Throws crow over shoulder) Must… um… fly. [Audience will laugh, on pain of a savage beating]

CUT TO: M’s bedroom. M is tackling a really hard Sudoku and whistling the theme to Falcon Crest. She seems content.

CUT TO: Still the ing Bahamas. Wait, was that it - was that the Casino Royale? That was a bit ing crap, wasn’t it? Oh no, my ing mistake, here comes yet more film. For us to "enjoy".

BOND and SOLONG watch the mechanics roll the 1964 Aston Martin into view: keeps breaking down, the er.

BOND
I used to have one a bit like this.

SOLONG

Of course you ing did.

BOND

Did too. It was invisible.

SOLONG

Rrrright.

BOND

Your place or mine?

SOLONG

For… just a drink?

BOND

Just a drink. And maybe a roll in the hay.

SOLONG
(Faints, exploding with lust)

[Jim]

Chapter 9: The plot begins to take shape. 'Bout ing time. Hard to say what shape it is. Is that a rhombus? I don't really know shapes. Who am I, the ing shapeman?

CUT TO: Londinium. PHAGGE is reading a long message from M, and has some trouble extracting it from the extremely uppity ostrich. M’s voiceover by whoever it ing was.

M

How on Earth does he know these ing things? And how on Earth have we suddenly ing jumped to you receiving a message when it was all about me receiving a message from you? me, the editing on this film is too ing quick for me and I have absolutely no idea what’s ing going on any more and I am an expert on films because I’ve seen loads rather than going outside and ing living and I am going to go onto message ing boards the world o’er, even though part of this laboured joke is that I have no ing computer so it’ll have to be at work like everyone else does. and tell similarly tragic cases that this whole ing enterprise is ing doomed because of the editing and when the editing in the next one is better because I like it more and it spoonfed my moronic intellect, it will be because of what I said, it ing will, bitch, and they listened to me which makes me more of a watcher of films than you and more important and you can’t say any different. And, Phagge, don’t try to this ostrich. It’s not as submissive as the last one. Love, Mmmm.

PHAGGE shrugs, pours a bucket of ing acid over the ostrich and *leaves the ing chatroom*.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE’S yacht. About ing time, frankly. I need to be in this film much ily more.

LE CHIFFRE

Hey, dude. Don’t dick with me, dude. What went wrong in Mada - ing - gascar?

DIMITRIOS

Your chin’s bleeding.

LE CHIFFRE

Is so not. Now, stop avoidily ily doiding the subject under dicksuction.

DIMITRIOS

It’s my plan. You found me the man, it was your fault.

LE CHIFFRE

Hold on a gosh darn ing hour there, hombre. If it was your plan, does that mean that… you’re actually the villain?

DIMITRIOS

…ulp

LE CHIFFRE

Au contraire, . My plan, your man. Who was being watched by the British Secret Service who suddenly decided to become the British Very ing Obvious Service. I think I’ll blame you. I’m finding that to be the soothing choice. The choice of winners.

DIMITRIOS

What is this, a ing infomercial?

LE CHIFFRE

No; they have a plot. This is more of a gentle ing meander through some random . Bit like being in bed with a ing pensioner.

CUT TO: Bond’s suite. Sweet. Bond is having sexy ing time with a lady. I am unsure how to direct this. Eww. They’re kissing. After all, the only sex scene I can remember ing directing was a ) in manga and b ) involved a paedophile and this is a) live action, or as near as game old Pierce can manage, and b ) Bond is not a paedophile, albeit the woman is half his ing age.

SOLONG

You like married women, don’t you James?

BOND

Yes.

SOLONG

Why?

BOND

They have less guilt about ing me than the married men do.

SOLONG

Oookkkayy… not ing creepy. Why am I so attracted to bad men? My husband, you… Where have all the good men gone? Where are all the gods?

BOND

Where’s the streetwise Hercules, to fight the rising odds?

SOLONG

OK, you can stop ing singing now. That was ing terrible.

BOND

Isn't there a white knight, upon a fiery steed?

SOLONG

Hm. Horses. Hmm. No, still, even then, shut the up with the "singing", flat bitch.

BOND

Sounds like you need an SOS.

SOLONG

The way you sang it, it didn’t sound like SOS at all

BOND
(Sobs)

SOLONG

, we’re still in this ing film. Didn’t it start about a month ago? I think you’re sleeping with me to get to my husband. But not in that ing way. At least I ing hope not.

BOND

What do you know about “EPILEPSIS”?

SOLONG

ing nothing and I bet the audience has ing forgotten as well.

The telephone rings. Ring Ring.

BOND

Why don’t you give me a call?

SOLONG

Can it, fatso. [To ‘phone] Hello? Is that you, my husband?

DIMITRIOS

[Audibly] I have to go to Miami.

SOLONG

OK. Hang on a ing moment, shouldn’t I be angry at you for losing our car?

DIMITRIOS

Gotta go! Love you! Well, ish.

BOND

Where’s he going?

SOLONG

Mi - ing - ami. Surely you ing heard that? Everyone heard that. Even the poor s relying on t-loop and subtitles heard that. Fat, old and now deaf as well. . Why did I ever agree to this?

BOND

Go off and have a wee and I’ll have thought of something by the time you get back. One-liners take a bit longer to think up nowadays.

SOLONG exits. BOND picks up telephone, is momentarily confused by how small the buttons are these days, and rings through to room service.

BOND

Posh ing food, now!

[Jim]

Chapter 10: Something happens in Miami that I still don't really understand. blows up.

CUT TO: Allegedly Miami.

BOND has trailed DIMITRIOS, knows how, to a place littered with emaciated corpses, the flesh stripped off them and faces sunken, cadaverous. Pick any ing street in Miami.

QT commentary: I thought it would be ing funny, having Pierce wander through these figures like the big ball in Raiders of the Lost Ark ing the cast of Tenko.

BOND and DIMITRIOS fight for reasons too top ing secret to go into. DIMITRIOS passes up the opportunity to end the film by ing dying instead, the . There’s some ing clever imagery mise-en-scene when his corpse is added to the pile. But - oh no! There’s a bag missing! Or something.

QT commentary: I have no ing idea what’s going on any more. I think it was at this point that I lost all ing control. And interest.

BOND removes a crow from DIMITRIOS’s jacket. The crow looks deeply furtive. It’s ing crow, for ’s sake. BOND takes it outside and hunts around for the guy who has taken the bag.

BOND
(Whispering to crow)

Find your master, find him. Fly my ing pretty, fly!

BOND releases the crow.

QT commentary: Yeah, I ing admit it, we CGI’d the crow and it was cutting edge at the time. Looks ing rubbish now. What people don’t realise is that Pierce was totally CGI here too. Was cutting edge at the time. How he looks now - you draw your own conclusions, man. And, hey, OK, people went a bit ty about the concept of a sentient crow that understood complex instructions, but is this any less plausi - ing - ble than an invisible car or walking over crocodiles or Vijay Amritaj? I. Think. ing. Not.

The crow lands near BLOKEY, and starts pecking at the trail of trill leaking from his pocket. BOND gives chase to MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, pausing only to write a short message to M. BOND’s voiceover is spoken by CYRILLE ING REGIS and there’s no saying cooler than that.

BOND

M. This message will reach you in about a month. A month ago a bomb went off at Miami Airport. How I have worked out it’s a bomb I have no idea. You probably already know that there was a bomb, although I wouldn‘t like to say for certain. Just saying hi, I guess. Hugs. Jay Bee. PS This bird will be absolutely ed already so don’t let Phagge anywhere near it. It’s suffered e - ing - nough.

BOND picks up a seagull, ties the message around its neck

CUT TO: BOND in taxi on way to airport. He leans out of the window and launches the seagull at speed. We hear a crashing sound offscreen and BOND slinks down into his seat and, looking around guiltily, begins to giggle.

CUT TO: PHAGGE’s office. PHAGGE and M are staring ing fixedly at an abacus and a crystal ing ball.

PHAGGE

I think it’s Bond. I bet something ing bad’s going down at Miami International Airport.

M

Given that the central conceit of this increasingly ing stupid joke is that we have no means of communicating with him other than by mutilating fowl, how the ing hell do you know that?

PHAGGE

Um… I dreamt it?

M

Dream about Bond a lot, do you?

PHAGGE

More than you can ing imagine, sister.

CUT TO: An amount of running about at the airport. There’s a load of damage and ‘planes and hanging off tankers going on. Eventually, BOND kills BLOKEY and it’s hard to say who’s the more exhausted by all this: BOND, the audience or that poor ing seagull.

QT commentary: I wanted a little ing cool scene at the end of the ing film when the jet Bond has saved in this scene is flying into Londinium and sucks that ing seagull into its engines. Woulda been coool.

Chapter 11: MeMeMeMeMe. And then, not me. .

CUT TO: Me. I am talking to the Chaderooniemeister.

QT commentary: Yeah, at that angle the chin’s looking too damn Lesley Judd.

BANKER

You’re ed, sonny. I don’t know what the your plan actually was and I’m not going to pretend I do, but all the money’s ing gone and I think even my government wouldn’t bail you out on this er.

LE CHIFFRE

. This means that those ing Africans are going to be angry N-words.

BANKER

Oh yeah, the Africans. I suspect I’m not alone in forgetting about them.

LE CHIFFRE

Wish I ing could. Hey ho, plan B.

BANKER

That was plan A? That was the best ing one? anory. How many plans you got?

LE CHIFFRE

They go up to J. Plan G’s not too good, but plan H could be a suckload of fun, if you know where to find thirty thirsty prostitutes, Hall and Oates, some parsley and a load of toast.

BANKER

Can we go straight to that? Sounds freakin’ fluffy, man. Sounds totally Casper Weinberger.

LE CHIFFRE

No. Casino Royale, remember.

BANKER

Oh, yeah. .

LE CHIFFRE

‘Bye now. Love to the kids. Especially the ones on your hard drive.

(To MICHAEL STIPE) Someone ing talked.

MICHAEL STIPE

Who?

LE CHIFFRE

Unlikely in one of my ing films to be a ing woman. Unless…

[Jim]

Chapter 12: Finally, getting away from the ing Bahamas. Jeez!

CUT TO: Back in the ing Bahamas. I really ing hate these ing islands now, man.

BOND and PHAGGE get out of a helicopter. How these two ever ing met up I shall leave unexplained. For some other ing reason, everyone’s meeting M at DIMITRIOS’ house. On the beach, SOLONG is really ing dead. PHAGGE pukes, right into the ing screen. Everything goes Jeremy Bentham.

M

Another body. Quite a ing collection, Bahhhhhhhhhhhhnd. What was her name?

BOND

Solong.

M

Bit late for a goodbye, wouldn’t you ing say? I asked you what her name was.

BOND

Solong.

M

You deaf? Yeah, you probably are by now. WHAT WAS HER ING NAME, YOU RINGPIECE?

BOND

Solong.

M

Oh, right. All those ing lame scenes for the sake of this joke?

BOND

Yep.

M

Well, you shouldn’t have ing bothered. Did she know your name?

BOND

No.

M

Cool. Inexplicably, I believe you. Let’s never mention her ever again, starting from now. Hey? What you ing doing? No, man, she’s in a body bag. Don’t go chewing her shoulder!

BOND

I have to. It’s my thing.

M

It’s ing weird, that’s what it is.

BOND chews SOLONG’s shoulder

M

, that’s mixed-up. . I’ve seen some weird in my time. I’ve seen Pay it Forward, for chrissakes. But you is one seriously a-hole mixed up deadbitchchewing mother[censored]er.

BOND
(Swallowing)
OK, so what we doing here then?

M

Plot plot plot plot plot plot statutory 9/11 reference plot plot plot uh? plot plot plot hang on a minute that’s just idiotic plot plot fizzzz and plot. Plot plot plot grr! Plot.

QT Commentary: Yeah, that was a controversial piece of dialogue but I wrote it so it was bound to be. I am Quentin ing Tarantino, y’know. It was like, see, the audience don’t remember the plots of Bond films and really couldn’t give an undercooked about them so I wanted to stretch that into the people in the mooooovie itself not caring either, so they have no idea what’s happening or why. Or who, how… if. Whether.

M

In short, something about cards. No limit Happy Families. The winner takes it all.

BOND

The loser’s standing small.

M

Yeah, what-evah. Phagge tells me you’re the best player in the service.

BOND

I was, M. Until… the thing

M

The thing?

BOND

Mm-uh. The bad ing thing.

M

Being?

BOND

I’m not going to reveal it until the optimum dramatic moment, to give me character and depth.

M

Bit late for that, but noted. Listen up, watching scum. There was a bad ing thing and it involved Happy Families. It. May. Be. ing. Significant.

BOND

Hugely.

M

It isn’t the thing about you being anally raped by Mr Bun the Baker, is it?

BOND

How the did choo know dat?

M

Come on, Bond!

PHAGGE

May I?

M

off, Phagge. It was ing come on ing comma Bond. Get wid da ing punctu-ing-ation, . Come on, Bond; I am the head of the ing British Secret Service, . I am paid to know things, and then leave those things on trains. I can see how that might screw you up, every ing pun intended, but I must advise you to remain emotionally ing detacheroonie here, 007. But I don’t think that’s your problem, is it Bond?

BOND

No. Compared to being violated by a parlour game, it’s no ing problem at all.

M

Sweet. OK bitch, you’re off to the Casino Royale.

BOND

All this and we haven’t even got there yet?

M

No, and we’ve another ing minute to fill before the end of part one so… it’s time for a traditional Taratinoesque trivial longeur of nothingness.

BOND

Hm. B-bm. Got any holiday booked?

M

Was looking at Spain again. Up in the hills, y’know. Get away from it all. Me and the manwife thing…um… Spring, not too hot. ing clement. I like it nicely ing clement.

BOND

Yeah, nice. Hmm. Do you like ABBA?

M

Some of their early stuff’s OK. I was more Jefferson Airplane, Napalm Death, Sonny and Cher and Megadeth kinda , yeah?

BOND

I like ABBA

M

We’ve already done this joke.

BOND

No more words to say. No more games to play.

M

Look, just off to Montenegro and defeat terrorism not through sensible and pragmatically sympathetic foreign policy but by playing stupid card games, yeah? Realistic ing Bond film time, ya get me?

BOND

I got you

M

Babe. Ha!

BOND

Oh you ing...

[…is drowned out by change of music. Credits and all that sort of . We play out to “Mad Passionate Love“ by Bernard Bresslaw]

[Jim]

QT commentary: I know it was ing controversial to split the DVD into Volume 1 and Volume 2 but I thought I would get more attention that way. So that’s why I ing did it. What can I say I’m proudest about in Volume 1? I have no ing idea. Looking back it seems like a load of violence and random cool bits. Volume 2 is where the ing plot comes in. I think. I dunno. Anyway, some more happened and there’s a ing happy ending. Or not. But it does ing end. I hope it ing ends. Please make it ing end. Anyway, I can present to you now some short scenes from the upcoming Casino Royale vol. 2. Enjoy it or be dead, I don’t ing care.

****

BOND
(Reading Vesper’s business card)

Vespa, you say? Hm. Bet you’re a good ride.

VESPER

Oh, off granddad.

****

CROUPIER

Wiz zis play, vee are now entering zer third hour of zis moovie.

BOND

, how much longer can this ing nonsense go on? I’m an old man. Help meeeee.

****

BOND

I’m Mr Arlington Bitch, and you’re Miss Oginy

VESPER

I am so ing not.

BOND

Apparently we're very much in love.

VESPER

But it will be a suite with two bedrooms; strict Jedi, me, mate.

BOND

You’re going to have to trust me on this.

VESPER

You know I bloomin’ don’t, Mary Pawpins. Am oi going to have a prahblem with you, Bond?

BOND

Don’t worry; you’re not my type.

VESPER

Smart?

BOND

No. (Looks away) Thirty years too young. (Sobs).

****

ASSORTED DOCTORS

(Hurridly stapling the message “Push the ing button” onto a half-dozen pigeons)

VESPER

Lawk what I found! A huge forking syringe!

****

LE CHIFFRE

And you must be Mr Bliss’s replacement. Mr Bitch, or is it Bond? I’m a little confused.

BOND

Aw. I’m sure it’s only a phase. Although, y’know, that chin…

LE CHIFFRE

you, bitch.

BOND

No, it is Bond.

LE CHIFFRE

Okay, you Bond. Hm. That doesn’t work as well, does it?

BOND

Nothing in this ing movie does.

****

DOCTOR #1

Bond's been given Chlamydia!

DOCTOR #2

Ooh, call me Mr Surprised...

DOCTOR #1

Shouldn't that be Dr Surprised?

DOCTOR #2

No. I'm a specıalıst, so I get called Mr Surprised, by the likes of ing you anyway.

DOCTOR #1

Ooh, get her. Anyway, isn't this er a job for Q?

MR SURPRISED

Q retired two ing movies ago. We need his replacement! Zed!

DOCTOR #!

Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead. Oh no, tell a lie, here he ing comes.

ZED

All Hail! It is I, Zoltar from Battle of the ing Planets, although it's really called Gatchaman and it's apparently ing vital that I tell you this.

MR SURPRISED

I thought Z was a ing random letter.

DOCTOR #1
(Under his breath)

...ing random script...

ZOLTAR

Silence Earth N-words! And I can call you N-words because back on my home planet of Really-Can't-Be-ing-Bothered-To-Look-It-Up, our N-words are all white! So, it's not ing racist, see?

DOCTOR #1

Well, it is a bit...

ZOLTAR

Ssh! ing shut up! Shut the up, honky N-word!

MR SURPRISED, M.D.

I think you're a little confused.

ZOLTAR

Yeah, it's the ing cape, innit? Is that a bit ing faggy? You will tell me, won't you?

DOCTOR #1

'Course we will. (Turns away) Hee hee hee.

****

BOND

Tia Maria, lime and coke.

B’MAN

Shaken or stirred, sir?

BOND

Do I look like I give a ing ing inging ing ing of a ing ing damn?

B’MAN

Now that you mention it, no, not really.

****

BOND

Ha! My testicles can withstand ordinary rope, Le Thing!

LE CHIFFRE

So I’ve heard. (Wraps razor wire around rope).

BOND

Ooh .

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN

CASINO ROYALE vol. 2

Coming ing soon!

[Safari Suit]

Funny, studied and very, very unsettling.

[sharpshooter]

Bravo, Jim. This has not gone un-noticed. Very good indeed. The lot.

[ImTheMoneypenny]

Jim, you are my hero! I've been reading this off and on all day. It's gold, pure gold.

[Jim]

QT commentary: 'Kay mother[censored]ers. Tis verily ing volume 2 time. Some more mooovie. And if you just tuned in now, don't you uncool; you ain't missed very ing much. Some about carrrrds, s'all you need to know.

Chapter 13: Yurp

CUT TO: A train cuts through a valley somewhere in Eastern Yurp. The ing donkey pulling it is getting really ing tired. Hey, this is what Yurp’s like. ing is. Is. I’ve seen Il Postino and Degrassi Junior High and .

CAPTION: Somewhere in Yurp
CAPTION: To be ing precise, Montenigger
CAPTION: So how da they get away with calling it that?

CUT TO: BOND sitting in dining car, reading menu and trying to ignore that it’s all ing horse or badger or some such . Swinging drunkenly into view like Ernest Borgnine surfing a ing teardrop comes VESPER.

QT commentary: ing obvious casting man, but it had to be Uma. Uma. Ooooo Ma. Uma Uma Uma. Oo Ma, why’d ya ing leave me Ma? Sob. Anyway, so Pierce gets himself watched over by Greenpeace so I knews I gotta get the same sorta sponsoring for Uuuuuummaaa, so da World Wide Fund for ing Nature came on ity board, although they did ing insist that she looked like a ing panda.

VESPER

Ah’m the moanie

QT commentary: Yeah, I know the accent’s come in for a load of , but it was a homage to her role in The Avengers, which was cool, and also Arthur ing Bostrom, the Bostromator, in ‘Allo ‘A-ing-llo, which was ing cool, and that’s how all Brits talk, it is ‘cause I ing say so, and also because that’s what it sounds like coming through those ed up teeth of theirs.

BOND
(encore un fois weird ing jaw thing)

Come again?

VESPER

Ah harven’t come art all.

BOND

Whaddya ing mean? You’re looking at The ing Face. The Face that makes fat ing spinsters all over the ing world wetter than a ing otter’s pocket.

VESPER

Naht this won

BOND

OK, so with that ing prickly demeanour and slightly masculine garb - and believe ing me, I know at least one man who dresses like that - you must be some sort of Homo Mofo Ho.

VESPER

Alright. So thart’s onlee the second most ing offensive thing yew possibly curd haf done.

BOND

The first being?

VESPER

You curd have furkin sung eet

BOND

(Whim-Per)

VESPER

Yewer bahs murst be verrie well connected. I’ve rairly seen so mutz munnie fly out da door so quicklee

BOND

Or quite so ing incomprehensibly. Have you got something I could, like, ing read, or have you some sort of ing keeper or a normal ing person I can talk to? It’s like Kung-Fu Helen Keller Panda, ya dig?

QT commentary: I realise on ing reflection, and I reflect a ing lot 'cause I just watch my films overnovernovernover 'cause I'm so ing cooooool, that with Uma doing her Brit thing and Pierce doing that voice of his, like he sounds as if he's emerging from an apocalyptic stroke, this whole ing pivotal scene plays out like the Swedish Chef trying to seduce ing Pob. .

BOND
(Reads Vesper’s business card)

Vespa, you say, or nearly ing say? Hm. Bet you’re a good ride.

VESPER

Oh, off granddad

BOND

So, how did you come to be in MonteNorman then?

QT commentary: D’you see what I ing did there? Do you? DO YOU? DO YOU, YOU ERS?

VESPER

‘Ave yew nurt be ferkin lisnin?

BOND

Yes, to the best of my ing ability but I still have no ing idea what’s meant to be going on here

QT commentary: …join the ing club.

VESPER

Ah’ve been given ing sheetloads of monaie to help you play ferkin cards or surmthing and this is now all so very important

BOND

You don’t think this is a very good plan, do you?

VESPER

No. I durnt think this ees a very good film. I surpurse you’ve given some thought to the point that if yew lurse, our guvvernmint will have directly financed terrorism?

BOND

You mean like it’s never ing done that, at any time, ever?

VESPER

Umm… okaaaay. So, still, you’d better ing win. Otherwyse yew’ll be a… (mimes shape in the air, ing cool animated outline)

BOND

A rhombus?

CUT TO: Train screaming through a station. Someone’s told the donkey to get a ing move on or else it’s in a ing kebab.

CUT TO: The dining car.

BOND

No, keep with the ing hand signals, bitch. I understand you better.

CUT TO: Train thundering downhill, runs over ing donkey.

CUT TO: Dining car, still. MonteN-word’s not this ing big, is it?

BOND

Film, three ing words, third word sounds like ? What Women Wunt?

CUT TO: Gap-toothed ing paysans pushing train up hill.

CUT TO: Still in the ing dining car.

BOND
(Pours VESPER an incredibly ing stingy amount of wine; helps himself to the rest, necked straight from the ing bottle the old ing lush)

So, it’s all about bluff and reading the man opposite you.

VESPER

Wheech I will now start to do, as a funny jerk

BOND

Joke?

VESPER

No. Jerk. Jerk.

BOND

Well, I read you as not being taken seriously by your male colleagues. Or, with that accent, any[censored]ingone.

VESPER

Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis? Ah am pure cokkkerney, me; born within the sound of Beau Bridges. I was an orphan running wild, stealing kerchiefs.

(Sings)

Whe-er-er-er-ere is love?
Does it fall from skies above?

BOND
("Sings")

Is it underNEATH the WIL-lowwwww TREE!
That I've BEEN dreamING of?

VESPER

You really have to go and ing spoil things, don't you? Alright. You went to Orksford or Nantwich or where[censored]ingever. Yew’re jurst another maladjusted young… youngish … old maggot, the sort that MI6 like or can‘t ing get rid of, with your weird ing hair and (stares at his left wrist) your expernseeve…?

BOND

Watch.

VESPER

Cool. Durn’t get any funny ideas, Bond…

BOND

Unlikely in this ing script

VESPER

…but ma jurb is to keep my eyes on the muhney and off your perfectly furmed harse

BOND

(Under breath) Thank you, thank you so much, thank you thank you thank you. (What passes for normal ing voice) You noticed?

VESPER

Even accountants can be blitzed out of their tiny minds on rancid ing crack. Thank yew fur din-narh.

BOND

My pleasure, bitch. How was your bamboo?

VESPER

Utterly ing Fashanu. How was yewer Strawberry Mivvi?

BOND

ed up the a-hole. One sympathises.

VESPER

Yarse, I heard about Mr Bunne the Baker

BOND

ing shut up, bitch, or I’ll give you two ing black eyes

VESPER

Not murch of a ing threat, is it? Gurd night, Mr Bahnd

BOND

Goodnight, Miss Bint

VESPER exits. BOND watches her, amused, then lifts her plate up and starts licking it clean.

BOND

Mm. ing beefy.

QT commentary: Yeah, so that was the ing compromise and I had to delete the seat-sniffing scene. What ya gotta do for a ing PG-13. Sheesh. Kept Bond’s line the same though.

CUT TO: Street scene, Montenegro. It is full of Jagwaars and Bentleys and not, say, ing landmines and depleted ing uranium shells from a recent ing civil war. BOND and VESPER get into a chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce which in this company is probably a ing unlicensed minicab, yeah?

BOND
(Opens envelope, in a manly way)

I’m Mr Arlington Bitch, and you’re Miss Oginy

VESPER

I am so ing not.

BOND

Apparently we're very much in love.

VESPER

But it will be a suite with two bedrooms; strict ing Jedi, me, mate.

BOND

You’re going to have to trust me on this.

VESPER

You know I bloomin’ don’t, Mary Pawpins. Am oi going to have a prahblem with you, Bond?

BOND

Don’t worry; you’re not my type.

VESPER

Smart?

BOND

No. (Looks away) Thirty years too young. (Sobs).

CUT TO: Hotel lobby.

BOND

Hi, bitch. My name’s Bond…

VESPER
(Urgently)

Don’t say the ing line yet! You nearly said the ing line. Don’t say it yet. Not until right at the end of the film when heads can whoop and holler and clap a ing film as if the people in it can ing hear them, like they're going to come on and take a ing bow; it's really ing social death, like being the only un[censored]ed kid in the care home or driving a ing SAAB or being Captain Zep Super ing Space Detective.

BOND

Simply because you’ve said that ing properly, Inspector Clous-Ho, I shall comply. (To Deskbitch) You’ll find the reservation under Bitch, bitch.

DESKBITCH

Bitch-bitch? Is that, like, ing hyphenated?

BOND

Bitch comma bitch, bitch.

DESKBITCH

So that’s Bitch comma bitch comma bitch?

BOND

You’re really ing milking this, aren’t you?

DESKBITCH

I’d rather milk her.

QT commentary: So would I.

VESPER

Hi.

BOND

Today is going un[censored]ing well. (Takes register) There you go dear, you sign that. You represent the Treasury and I’M A ING BRITISH SPY. , I probably shouldn’t have ing said that.

VESPER

(Signs register, flings pen aside in a really ing stroppy manner. ing ooh. It‘s like that bit in The Flumps when Pootle had a really heavy ing flow)

Yew and yur ferking aggressive ego

BOND

Yeah, I’m an ego warrior.

QT commentary: Jesus Christ.

VESPER

Really ing weak. As is our curver now.

BOND

Look, ing Ling-Ling, if this Le Chrrr…ff… Le Shrrr… this ing guy is so ing well connected, he knows who I ing am...

VESPER

You just ing shouted it across the ing lobby…

BOND

…and he’s decided to play me anyway.

VESPER

That’s because you’re so ing stupid he knows he’s going to win.

BOND

. Hadn’t thought of that.

VESPER
(Entering lift)

Take the next one. There’s nurt enuf ing room in here for you and your emu.

BOND

You mean ego?

VESPER

No.

She points over his shoulder.

DESKBITCH

Someone left you a message. (Holds up emu)

BOND

me.

DESKBITCH

I’d rather her.

BOND

Hoo-kay, you’ve had enough ing lines now.

CUT TO: Outside. Parking lot. me, I know they kinda ing rhyme but did we confuse Monte Negro for Monte Carlo? Look at all the ing bling.

BOND approaches ing visible Arrrrrston Marrrrtin, sits in it, opens glove box which contains a really ing big gun and an even ing bigger syringe. Both might come in ing handy later, d’you think? Well, poss-ing-ib-ing-ly.

[ImTheMoneypenny]

Good stuff!

[Jim]

Chapter 14: Hey, we haven’t had a ing gunbarrel for vol 2. This makes it NO ING BOND FILM AT ALL.

CUT TO: Arrrrston vrooms up pretty damn ing coolly into a Montenegroid town. BOND and VESPER run through the war torn streets dodging sniper fire saunter to an open air restaurant.

QT commentary: Ooookay, so Mathis, yeah the casting of Mathis. So, y’know, I’ve always ing dug these Europeen character ac-Tors, yeah, these grizzled guys with big ing soulful eyes and faces that look like they’ve been ed sideways to Friday and back by Paul ing Coia, these hard assed alliterative s like Marcello Mastroianni and Giancarlo Gianninnininin…ni. Robert Robinson. Barbara Bush. Those kinda guys. But when it came to it, it was a straight ing fight between Michael Madsen and Wincey Willis. Gotta give Willis her due, she gave a good ing audition - her ing Pacino ‘personation was ing rocking, man, some scary shouty going down - but I gave it to Madsen because he knows what I did last ing summer. Also, ‘kay, he can keep a scene going longer than any man alive and it’s about this point in the ing movie when the audience is needing to, y’know, ing Captain pee-pee time, and they don’t want to miss anything cool or important or interes-ing-ting, so you see Madsen on the ing skur-een and it’s a kinda signal, y’know, that it’s OK to go ‘cause the next five minutes is just gonna be random squinting and mumblin’ and totally random completely self-indulgent… crap.

CUT TO: MATHIS. He is wearing shades, chain smoking Red Apples and behaving like an embalmed Roy Orbison as if it’s ing big and clever. Which it ing is.

MATHIS

I’m… Mathis, man. Your… contact.

BOND

Hi

MATHIS

…here.

BOND

, sorry. I didn’t know you hadn’t finished.

MATHIS
I never… ing…

BOND

OK. Say, guy, you look very ing familiar. Weren’t you called something else in the last one?

MATHIS

That… wasmycode... finish.

(Pause)

Name.

BOND

So, Mathis is your real ing name?

MATHIS

Yeah… andmycode

(Pause. Squint.)

Name.

BOND

Soooo… how does that work, then?

MATHIS

(Squint)

BOND

… hello?

MATHIS

(Pause)

BOND

Do you want to move seats? Is the sun in your ing eyes or something?

MATHIS

…no idea, man.

BOND

What, no idea about the names of ten ing minutes ago, or no idea about the sun?

MATHIS

(Squints. Smokes. Frowns. Acts)

QT commentary: Frowning’s cool, see. Shows raaaannnge. Gotta love this guy. Not in that ing way. Bitch won’t let me. Not since ing Leominster. Off the a-gen-da. No, Leominster’s a no-ing-go. More ways than one.

BOND
(Waves hand in front of MATHIS’ face)

Hello dear. Your name’s Mathis. Mathis, yes. That’s right. There’s peach cobbler later, you like that, don‘t you? Did Keith come at the weekend? Did he? He did, didn’t he? She’s not good enough for him, is she? Just after his money, isn’t she? Touch of the tarbrush too. ing bitch. After your bedbath, do you want to go to the day room? There’s cribbage, felching and Mr Medleycott’s scored some bootleg Victor Spinetti. Hello? Hello?

MATHIS

……Hi

BOND
(Urgently)

What can you tell me about Le Chiffre? Tell me before your next ing relapse or I’ll you over so bad you’ll look like something Frank Bough once had a go at.

MATHIS

That man… deserveshisrevenge...

BOND

No he doesn’t.

MATHIS

…and we deserve to die.

VESPER

No wee durn’t.

BOND

Oh, you’re here, are you? Big ing help you are. No, wait, he’s working up to another word…

MATHIS

He… arrived. Yesterday.

BOND
OK, getting somewhere now.

MATHIS

He knows… people.

BOND

What the that mean? I know people. I am a people knower. People knowing is my ing game, bitch. Walk down the ing street, every ho and every Joe does the ing saying of “There goes the ing people knower.” If it’s Top ing Trumps on the people knowing, I win every ing hand, ya dig?

VESPER

I think he’s dead. He’s gone all stiff.

BOND

Don’t touch him. He looks like he ing bites.

MATHIS

(Exhales huge ing amounts of smoke, some of it from his ing mouth)

It’s not like… the old… days

BOND

Ah, to be sure, to be sure, the auld days, sat with me old mammy warming our hands around a hot potato, singing of pretty colleens, a pint of the black stuff in one hand and a copy of Look-In in the other, wondering what Christopher Strauli’s up to this week or what of his extensive repertoire Mike Yarwood’s got up his sleeve for us next, the cheeky funster.

VESPER

You’re weird.

BOND

Oh, and you’re Mrs ing Normal the Newsagent‘s Wife, are you? Doing that freaky-deaky weirdo Franglais and staring at me like ing Zorro? Meanwhile, back at the ing script, I’ve had enough of this of a scene so I’m off for a beer. You do the ing rest of it, see if you can get any more sense out of Captain ing stroke victim Zep here.

BOND exits, in a stroppy flounce.

VESPER
(Picking up script. A sorta pamphlet covered in cool doodles and the ‘phone number of that guy, y’know, that guy. You know him, the guy. Yeah him, that guy)

Uerm… Do. You. Knurrr…. Know. Anything. Myrrh. More! More?

MATHIS

The. Chief. Of. Police. Is. His. Friend. And. Is. Sitting. Behind. Us.

VESPER
(Squints at script)

MATHIS

What. Is... ... wrong?

VESPER
(Holding up script)

There urnn’t any myrrh laines here. It jurst says “Do some random improvised , it’s sorta my thing, but you make sure you better ing mention Floella Benjamin, Zubes, Skid Solo and Maynard’s ing Winegums and make it look like natural conversation of real people, otherwise I’ll come over there and scratch your ing eyes out”.

BOND
(Wanders back into scene, humming Bond theme under his breath)

Looks like you two young lovers need rescuing.

VESPER

Largely frurm this ing moevie.

BOND
(Sitting, with some age discomfort)

Right, I remember this ing bit from the rehearsal workshop, police chief, sitting back there playing the tuba like it’s ing Hitchcock cameo , probably browndicking Le Chiffre, yadda yadda yadda, Ohhhkay, so what happens now? Oh yeah, police cars and all that sorta .

CUT TO: Police! ing loads of them! Here they ing come like sallow Balkan ninjas. ! They’ve just opened fire with uzis on the POLICE CHIEF who writhes like a crazy bastard plugged into the mains and sprays goodly lots of blood everywhere and his body does this funny wriggle like he’s dancing to the theme to Crazy Like A Fox, Dirty Vegas mix. Limbs spiralling right at the ing lens. It’s real ity carnage town now, probably a bit like what Montenegro’s really ing like. This goes on for about four minutes and we see it from every possible angle, including bullet-ing-eye view, bystander-doused-in-spleen-view, and Outer Space.

MATHIS

Uzis. When you… absolutely… positively. Gotta! Kill… every last mother[censored]er… in the pleasant open-air café. I would… say… if I could say… anything… that I think… your odds… have just.

(Squints)

Improved.

BOND

Are we paying you by the hour or something?

[Jim]

Chapter 15: Like, fifteen chapters in and we might finally get to the ing Casino Royale. But I wouldn’t bet on it. Casino. Bet. Like, they bet in a Casino. Yeah? Yeah? ers.

CUT TO: Bathroom of BOND and VESPER’s hotel suite. The scene is shot from the shins down. VESPER taps her feet real cute like.

QT commentary: I thought it would be ing cool not to show Uma putting on her makeup, but just to show her and Bond’s feet. Her feet. Uma’s feet. Feet. (There is a shuffling sound). Do carry on. Don’t mind me. Uuuhhh. Feeeeeeeeeeet.

BOND’s shoes come into view.

QT commentary: Y’know it’s like Strangers on a Train ‘cause they were y’know, strangers on a train when they met. Yeah, that sounds convincing. (More shuffling).

VESPER’S FEET
(The feet stamp)

Yew eggspect me tur wear that?

BOND’S FEET
(There is a sound of a dress being hung onto the hook on the bathroom door. Whatever the sounds like, but it’s probably the same sound effect as “Dress being hung onto a hook on a bathroom door” in that episode of the final season of Banacek so I’ll just write that everyone will think I’m cool and no-one’s going to check, are they?)

I need you looking fantastic so that when you walk in all the others explode in a spume of sticky white love piss and I cover up the fact that I can’t play cards in winning by default. You think you can do that for me, bitch?

VESPER’S FEET
(All lovely and toey)

You wurrnt me to wear a furkin purple dress?

BOND’S FEET

Toss-up between that and the crotchless bikini, but I’m keeping that for myself.

BOND’S FEET exit. VESPER’S FEET do that cute thing where they turn inwardly a bit, oh God I think I’ve just come.

CUT TO: BOND entering bedroom, spies something on bed, walks out in a

SMASH CUT TO: Bathroom. BOND enters, holding up suit carrier.

BOND

But I’ve already got a corset.

VESPER
(Faced caked in some sort of weird reverse-Minstrel make up )

Yurs, but I need yew looking like a man who belongs at that table. And can ing fit under eet. Time to be a beet less widescreen, grand-pere.

BOND

But this is tailored.

VESPER

Ah sized yew up the meenit I saw you. Couldn't really ing miss. Can it, Jumbo, and get ready.

CUT TO: Really cool little scene when BOND tries on the Bondcorset, three strong guys tying him into it, and VESPER watches him, amused. The Bond theme plays under the moment, Rodriguez on traditional Mexicali kazoo. BOND tries not to notice VESPER, but that’s probably because he can barely breathe at this point and all the blood’s rushed to his eyes.

CUT TO: BOND walking across town in a really odd way, like he’s just been bum-ed by, oh I dunno, let’s say a rhino. Did you know that Microsoft Word won’t let you write the word “bum-ed” without a hyphen - it changes it to “bemused”. OK, he’s walking that way because he’s been bemused by a rhino. Actually, that looks ing better. Much more like my sort of contrived .

CUT TO: BOND enters the Casino Royale. After more than an hour of generalised ing about. This film’s been going so long the first scene has its own branch of science. Anyhoo, the Casino is really shabby because it was shelled with depleted uranium during this vicious civil war they had smart and every er has his own teeth. It is really ing unlikely. A short, skinny one-eyed black guy in a snap-brim hat is being ejected - this is a ing in-joke about this not being some ing Rat Pack movie and not just because beating up N-words is an extremely probable thing to happen in Montenegro every ing day of the week.

CUT TO: BOND descends to the subterranean lair in which the card-game- will take place.

QT commentary: I wanted it designed so that it was this ultimate nouvelle vague ing casino, yeah, so that’s why there’s the posters of Jean-Paul Belmondo, Jeanne Moreau, Tommy Boyd, those sorta guys. The bar, see the bar, yeah, the way the mime artist dances along the top, pretending he’s being shot. All the ing time. Like, really annoying. Hell, it’s the sort of place that if it was in Vegas, to get in you’d have to wear a really nice pair of shorts, with pockets and . I wanted that, and crossed with some Sinatra, Dino sorta stuff, y’know really fingersnapping coooool stuff, so that writing on the wall, there, see, that’s the verbatim conversation Sinatra and Peter Lawford had at The Dunes on April 19th 1957, and that, there, see, the thing that waitress is wearing, that’s the exact design of the hostesses at The Desert Inn in the mid-sixties and - yeah, cool - that blank piece of paper displayed prominently behind the bar - that’s the enjoyment to be derived from Ocean’s 12.

BOND walks over to where LE CHIFFRE is standing, thoughtfully rubbing his chin dick arm.

QT commentary: Oh it’s me. Cool. I’d forgotten I was in this.

LE CHIFFRE

And you must be Mr Bliss’s replacement. Mr Bitch, or is it Bond? I’m a little confused.

BOND

Aw. I’m sure it’s only a phase. Although, y’know, that chin…

LE CHIFFRE

you, bitch.

BOND

No, it is Bond.

LE CHIFFRE

Okay, you Bond. Hm. That doesn’t work as well, does it?

BOND

Nothing in this ing movie does.

Into view comes MENTAL, the banker who is probably a fag.

QT commentary: Y’know, Mental was my way of trying to, y’know, recognise that, yeah OK, yah, some of my hadn’t been too nice and tolerant of fudgepackers, so to make amends I made him a sympathetic character and even more amends would have been him being played by Steve Guttenberg but there were scheduling conflicts with his TV work - repairing those ers takes ages - so we settled for Michael Dudikoff and he done acted it real goodly.

MENTAL
(Setting down computer briefcase thing that no-one ever questions will definitely work)

My darlings, my lovely boys and… the ones that aren’t boys. So welcome are you to my lovely Casino that I’ve come over all queer. Ooh! Anyway, tonight’s game is lovely, lovely no limit Connecticut rules Happy Families, each of you putting in your lovely wads of - drumroll please! - ten million dollars. Oh, what I could buy with ten million dollars. Champagne! Boys! Boys and champagne and boys! Ooh, get her. Anyway, my lovely darlings, lovely to vada your dolly old eeks once more. First up, Mr Bond. Ooh, innie bold? Come up here my darling, stretch yer lallies, don’t be shy, and you just press my chunky buttons until we’re all happy.

BOND looks shrewd as he enters the password. Although it might be the corset beginning to chafe.

CUT TO: The players around the table, circular dolly shot around them. We start at BOND who is just about to take his seat, then move to his left to see DEALER…

QT commentary: Syd Little…

…MR YOUTOO

QT commentary: Gordon Liu, there, cool…

…MR BIG FAT BLACK GUY

QT commentary: …played by the surviving cast of Condorman in a bin bag full of old guts…

…RANDOM EUROTRASH WOMAN

QT: Princess Anne…

…FELIX LEITER…

QT: Big in’ debate we had about who to cast as Felix and it wasn’t ever going to be in’ resolved. ‘Course, we had Madsen in the movie as well, so it was really ing hard to work out what Felix was going to do and why he was ing necessary. Seems to be the problem with him all the ing time. Anyhoo, time was ticking on to get ready, still didn’t have a Felix, so to get going we just had him played by a broom with half a tennis ball stapled on top, and thought we’d digitally insert him later…

…LE CHIFFRE…

QT commentary: …although of course we never ing did. Still works as a character though, I think. Hey, there’s me again! Gee, I look… You might wanna pause your DVDs right there, just that shot there where I’m looking totally ing Salisbury. Just keep it there if you want to, rest of the movie’s ed, Bond sorta wins and sorta loses, you get to go home.

…and finally BOND, who is just settling into his seat. It’s taken this long. Quite a bit of creaking.

QT commentary: So that’s random stereotype table, all set up for the game. Why are they playing, again? I’ve ing forgotten.

DEALER
(Does whatever it is he does)

The game is Connecticut Happy Families; for those of you more familiar with California Happy Families, in this game gay marriage does count. Mr Bond, the bid is with you.

BOND
(Looks at his cards: He has a steely glint in his eye as he looks over at Le Chiffre, ready to play the game and the man, Or it dawning on him that the pasty he had for dinner was probably a mistake - diced carrot never agrees with him. He throws a handful of chips onto the table, as if doing something explicable and important)

Thirty.

DEALER
(Nods, approvingly, as if he has understood what’s just happened. Gestures to ugly man standing opposite him)

Bank set at thirty.

UGLY MAN
(Writes something in his notebook, much along the lines of “Help, I’ve just been asked and I’ve no idea whether that’s too high or too low or what’s going on. Would saying “yes” be OK? Because that’s not really approving or disapproving, just acknowledging, and I might get away with it for another evening, this notebook is surprisingly capacious isn’t it? I wonder if there‘s space for one of my poems. Oh, I wonder if there shall ever be / A sight as lovely as Yvonne Cawley?”)

Yes.

CUT TO: Slow dissolve to later in the game. Both BOND and LE CHIFFRE have a big pile of chips in front of them.

QT commentary: Getting Pierce to do a fifth movie was ing tricky until he read the bit in the script about Bond sitting at a table and there being a big pile of chips all for him. When he found out the truth, he threatened to walk, or at least shuffle, off the set, so that’s why the chips are made from ing potato. , under the studio lights they cooked real good but the fat er kept eating them. ing continuity nightmare. What a pro.

VESPER enters the room, by springing from the banisters and performing a ing perfect Shaw Brothers Spavined Badger stance. She is in that purple dress and but most important of all she is ing barefoot! All the men/brooms stare at her feet as she walks by, because that’s only ing normal, y’hear.

VESPER
(Leaning in to kiss BOND)

Good lurck, darling.

(Sniffing him)

Nurt so much vinegar on your next helping, please.

BOND

But I haven’t had any vine… oh.

(He grins, sheepishly)

I may have had a little accident.

VESPER retreats to the bar, where MATHIS sits, nursing a Coors. He’s real classy. VESPER perches on a bar stool, leans back against the wall and rests her lovely feet on the bar. The barman drops dead safe in the knowledge that the rest of his life will be complete in comparison to this moment.

MATHIS

I…don’t. Need. To tell you…

(Squints)

…How able you…

(Pauses)

Look.

VESPER

Please durn’t. We’ll be here all furking night. Although Ah surspect the audience has resigned itself to paying eauvertime for the babysitter, or getting home to find their preteen daughter has nurt eaunly got ‘erself pregnant but had the baby.

BOND

Barman!

BARMAN in a very sorry red shirt/black bowtie combination appears.

BOND

, man, what are you wearing? Never mind - get me a drink. Tia Maria, Lime and Coke, full fat but flat, shake it over ice for a minute, then add a slice of kumquat peel and a pork scratching. Serve it in a jam jar with a chipped lip.

PRINCESS ANNE

We’ll have one of those too.

CONDORMAN BINBAG

Me too!

FELIX LEITER AS PLAYED BY A BROOM WITH HALF A TENNIS BALL STAPLED TO IT
(Shakes and nods “head“)

BARMAN

You want me to what with the fruit?

LE CHIFFRE

Me wanna play cards! Why is everyone being so ing dumb? Me wanna play!! Don’t give the barman all the attention, he smells and my friend Billy said he touched his front bottom. Look at me! Look at me!

FELIX LEITER AS PLAYED BY A BROOM WITH HALF A TENNIS BALL STAPLED TO IT AND THEREFORE PROVING TWENTY TIMES MORE MEMORABLE AND EFFECTIVE THAN ANY PREVIOUS FELIX LEITER
(Shakes and nods “head”)

BOND

Heh!

QT commentary: Pierce there, reacting really well to the broom. He has this ing weird, powerful aura around him, he really communed with the broom, as if he and an inanimate wooden object had a mutual understanding.

[Jim]

Chapter 16: Yet more ing cards. But some killing too. 'Bout ing time

CUT TO: BOND, MATHIS and VESPER leaning against the bar. The drink comes. BOND takes a sip, looking thoughtfully over at VESPER as he does so, either in studied contemplation or trying to take his mind off what he’s about to digest.

QT commentary: What we ing deleted was this lengthy wire-work sequence; shame. All the ing stunt budget spent hauling Pierce’s fat out of his seat.

BOND
(Takes a sip of the drink)
Hmm.

(Takes another sip: these two sips are shot three months and several weeks of stomach-pumping apart)

BOND

Y’know, that’s really ing disgusting; must give it a name. I wonder what. Oh, hello you.

VESPER

Our cover story seems to be changeeng. Again. Call me being angry at you pissing the money away as being real and also in new character.

BOND

Thirty months into this film and you’re still not sure what your character is?

VESPER

Me and the audience as one. Anyway, you jurst lost that last hand. I think. Shortly I will need Mathis to explain the game to me and the audience because nur one understands any of this crap.

BOND

He only won on that last card; getting Mr Dogbreath the Dentist was a one hundred to thirty Burlington Bertie chance; up till then he had nothing. It was worth losing to see his tell.

MATHIS

His…

BOND

Yeah; subtle signal that told me he was in trouble. Look out for it. It’s when he screams “Oh ing hell, these cards are complete ing , waaaaah!”. Did you bring the bug?

MATHIS

…tell?

(Hands small cockroach to BOND)

VESPER

And what’s happening with that?

BOND

I just needed to remind everyone we’re in a ing spy film.

(Bond extracts hummingbird from his jacket pocket and holds the cockroach up to it)

Here you go Kenneth; smell the bug. (Turns to VESPER) Kenneth is a special sniffer hummingbird. He has a nose for evil. He’ll follow that bug anywhere, won’t you Kenny-Wenny?

KENNETH THE HUMMINGBIRD
(Makes hummingbird noise. At a ing guess, this is a hum)

VESPER

This is increasingly stupide

BOND

He makes more sense than you. Anyway, I’m sure they’ll be some more spying coming, but first - some more cards! Hooray! I like cards, me. Cards is great. Now, you stay here with old Lightning Jack and I’ll just off over there and put everything on Mrs Betsy Knewaboutit, the Paedo’s Wife.

CUT TO: Some time later; BOND and LE CHIFFRE have huge piles of chips in front of them. Something good must have happened at “cards” or some such . They're obviously both good at "cards".

DEALER

Ladies and gentlemen and broom, we have now been playing for a paleolithic age. We will break for one hour only, for The. Excitement. Simply. Cannot. Stop.

CUT TO: A crow whacks LE CHIFFRE on the chin back of the head. LE CHIFFRE wanders over to MICHAEL STIPE and makes generalised evil Muttley-type noises. BOND reaches over to LE CHIFFRE’s asthma inhaler and in full view of every single person in the room, all of whom ignore this, slips the cockroach into it. LE CHIFFRE picks up the inhaler, not because he needs it because he’s big and strong and manly and ing A. He just chooses to use it so it looks like he’s frail and everyone else can connect, with this ing Superman yeah? YEAH?

BOND
(Taking VESPER by the arm)

You want to do what to me? That’s not ing legal, not even in an Austrian’s cellar.

VESPER

Ah’m sorrie; yew’ve completely lost me.

BOND

Chance’d be a fine ing thing. (Shouts) We’re off to ! (Sotto voce) …and I need to empty my bag.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE’s room. LE CHIFFRE wanders onto the balcony, where his devoted girlfriend LOIS LANE SOME-HO is standing. She is shivering, but it’s not ing cold. Expect she’s just feeling over-ing-awed. She’s only ing human.

LE CHIFFRE

Oohkay bitch, what’s so really ing important that you need to drag me all the ing way up here, which is back in the ing hotel and not above the Casino although you wouldn‘t know that from the quick editing because it‘s all too ing-Bourne like and I‘ll complain about it because I can‘t make out what’s going on, like I have to draw ing films from memory when I get home and…

Suddenly! OBANNO hoves into view and puts his hands all the way around LE CHIFFRE’s chin. Or at least ing tries to. You remember OBANNO, don’t you? Black guy, had a lot of money, it was sometime last year. Yeah?

OBANNO

Where’s my ing money?

LE CHIFFRE

Oh.… Hi.

CUT TO: Reception desk.

BOND

You’re holding something for me?

DESKBITCH

Am I?

BOND

Yes.

DESKBITCH

Describe it.

BOND

Um, it’s an envelope...

DESKBITCH

Right, y’see, that’s where I have a bit of a ing problem, because when you handed it over earlier it wasn’t as if the envelope was a very good disguise for what is basically a massive -off gun. I didn’t say - glory be! That feels ing fluffy, as I looked at the ing gun shape in the envelope. I wonder what that can be? I asked myself. Is it a lovely dolly, maybe? Or perhaps some cress? Or is it a ing big gun? What a ing quandary.

CUT TO: Inside elevator. BOND holds dismembered ear up to his mouth.

BOND

…thank you.

(Flings ear aside and reaches into envelope, draws out some cress, then a HUGE ING GUN. He takes KENNETH THE HUMMINGBIRD from his top pocket and lets him loose)

BOND

Fly, my pretty! Find evil people!

KENNETH flies straight at VESPER

VESPER

Ow! Gerrof!

BOND
(Catching KENNETH THE HUMMINGBIRD)

That’s ing odd - he’s trained only to seek out bad, untrustworthy people.

(Does that weird squinty thing he does well, if by "well" you mean "all the ing time instead of acting")

BOND

Unless…

CUT TO: Bing! Elevator door opens and BOND looses KENNETH THE HUMMINGBIRD into the corridor. He flies straight at a door at sticks there, like a ing dart.

BOND

See? Never fails.

VESPER

You threw him.

BOND

Did not.

VESPER

Did too. And you took a ferkin run-up, which is pretty impressive in such a small lift. And for such an old man.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE’s room. LE CHIFFRE is slouched on the floor, but still looking pretty ing hot. OBANNO is about to bring his sword down on SOME-HO’s arm.

LE CHIFFRE

Wait!

OBANNO

ing what now?

LE CHIFFRE

Is that… is that a Hattori Hanzo steel?

OBANNO
(Lowers sword)

You betcha.

LE CHIFFRE

A Hattori Hanzo blade…

(Suitably mystical bit of soundtrack at this point; heavy thrash triangle, that sorta )

LE CHIFFRE

Well, that puts a totally different complexioneroony on things. A man who can wield a Hattori Hanzo blade must know the inner ing value of life, must be at one with the crickets and all that. It would be an honour to die at the point of such a blade.

OBANNO

You want to ing find out?

LE CHIFFRE

I may… have just said the wrong ing thing.

CUT TO: BOND wrenching KENNETH THE HUMMINGBIRD out of the doorframe and chucking him over his shoulder - an offscreen “Ow!” from VESPER.

CUT TO: Inside LE CHIFFRE’s room. OBANNO is back on his instant amputation routine. He brings the sword down to within a hair’s breadth on SOME-HO’s arm and what’s really ing cooool is that we go in real tight and we see the blade slitting a hair in two, lengthways, in super slo-mo. I’m so ing clever, me.

OBANNO
(Looking at LE CHIFFRE, who’s looking ripped and ing gargantuan in cool)

Not even a word of protest. Not even any ing word. Not even the word “ing”, unexpectedly. You should get yourself a new… whatever…

LE CHIFFRE

Boyfriend!

OBANNO
(Giggling, as does SOME-HO)

Oh, sure. Don’t make me ing laugh. OK, “boyfriend”, get me my ing money, otherwise I take your chin, heterofaggot.

LE CHIFFRE

Actually, that would solve a lot of ing problems. Most of which stem from my childhood.

OBANNO and OBANNO’S LITTLE HELPER storm from the room, throwing the door open onto…

CUT TO: An empty corridor! Or is it? (It isn’t). As they walk down the corridor, they pass BOND and VESPER locked in an embrace. But! As they pass, OBANNO’S LITTLE HELPER notices something’s not quite right here. Whatever can it ing be? Can it be that he suspects they’ve overheard what just happened? Can it be the hummingbird sticking out of BOND’s ear? Can it be that the man is three times the woman’s mother’s age? Whatever, what happens now is a…

CUT TO: …pretty ing intense fight in a stairwell, BOND tipping OBANNO’S LITTLE HELPER over the banister to die in crunchy bone-mess ha! Die you er! VESPER runs barefoot up and down the banisters brandishing a sword for no better reason that I like watching her do that. And BOND and OBANNO struggle until OBANNO’s mighty Hattori Hanzo steel cuts into BOND’s torso, slitting through the corset and the resultant flab release bounces OBANNO over the side to his death in all sorts of gore and blood and impaling and , take that , question my ing straightitude will you? Mother[censored]er.

BOND
(Slippering and slappering in a pool of blood and kidneys and half-digested )

Go… get Mathis…

VESPER

What good will he be?

BOND

I need something to sponge up this ing mess and he looks kinda absorbent.

CUT TO: Bathroom somewhere. BOND washes the blood from his face in a really meaningful way, whilst a tug-of-war team crank him into a fresh truss.

CUT TO: Back at the ing Casino. Considering all happened in the twelvty billion hours of the “caaarrrdds” so far, loads just went on in the past hour, didn’t it?

BOND
(Being gently lowered into his seat: look, he’s just been in a big -off fight and he ain’t getting any younger)

Wotcha.

LE CHIFFRE
(Seemingly unpeturbed by all the nonsense that’s just been going on)

You’ve changed your girdle, Mr Bond. I hope your big stack of chips isn't causing you to become a big fat jellybelly.

BOND

Well, I know when I’m in real trouble because my chin will start oozing ing Dubonnet, won’t it, freakboy?

LE CHIFFRE

Bitch. And now we shall continue with the game despite the fact that if you tell me you’ve just killed OBANNO that would mean my problems are over and I don’t have to be here any more and this endless ing movie can… end.

BOND
(Completely ing irresponsibly chooses to say nothing)

CUT TO: Bathroom of BOND and VESPER’s suite. VESPER is in the shower, fully clothed - hubba hubba - and BOND gently lowers himself beside her, careful not to slip on the tiles because that would put his back out for weeks.

VESPER

It’s blurd on mai harnds, it’s laike I caren’t wash eet orf.

BOND

Yeah, yeah, ing Lady Macbeth, very ing subtle; this movie’s just all over the ing place as far as tone goes, isn’t it? (Sighs) Anyway, you want the water a bit warmer? Please say no - reaching up behind me like that will just trigger my sciatica.

VESPER
(Best Supporting Actressly)

Their blood is on my hands!

BOND

Oookay - now don’t get too ing weirded out by what I do now.

BOND leans down and takes starts sucking her toes.

VESPER

Er… I said my hands…

BOND
(Mouth full of Uma’s toes)

Mpff?

QT commentary: Hot ity damn, I really did cast myself in the wrong ing role, didn’t I? . Still, I’m over it now. And I find I like to ing... watch, anyway. ‘Scuse me a second.

The camera pulls away from this tender scene and the audience is distracted from its depth and subtlety by the hoving into view of a ing bidet. The British have no idea what it is. The Americans think it's called B-Day, is therefore associated with D-Day and therefore just like ing D-Day, they invented it. USA! USA!

[Jim]

Chapter 17: Look, we both know that you’ve seen this movie half-a-dozen times already so it’s not as if there’s any ing surprises left, is it? Still playing carrrrrrrrds.

CUT TO: Day. Morning, in all likelihood. BOND and VESPER’s suite. BOND, strolling in from tennis and a ten mile jog (the script is contractually ing obliged to say this) passes where VESPER lies. She seems restless, and is talking in her sleep.

VESPER

N..noo..noo…Pastry! Don’t let Jonathan sniff the gusset! More jam, Mr Mugabe?

BOND decides not to wake her, as she appears to be making much more sense than usual. Instead, he wanders onto the balcony, to join MATHIS

BOND

Any trouble disposing of the stiffs?

MATHIS
(Squinting)

I went for. Subtle. To...send a signal. To Chinny.

CUT TO: View of the hotel car park below them. OBANNO’S LITTLE HELPER has been set on fire and is blazing away merrily. OBANNO is strung up from a tree by his own intestine. “Some people have noticed” and there’s police and firetrucks and milkmen and all sorts of crazy going off.

MATHIS

Being. Dead doesn’tmeanonecan’tbe. Useful.

BOND

Or cast in a major speaking part, it ing seems.

MATHIS
(A sort of smoky squinty combination, with a lot of drawwwwwl)

How’s the bitch? Melted the years of coagulated fat around your straining heart yet?

BOND
(Appears to ignore him, amused. Is in fact slightly stunned at the ing unlikely use of the word “coagulated” by this person)

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE looking mighty flame-grilled Whopper-hot at a window, staring down at the scene. He wipes his chin on the feyly diaphanous drapes and sashays strides manfully back into the room.

LE CHIFFRE

That Bond. Ooh, I could do him a mischief and no mistake.

SOME-HO

Well, you have got all ing day, gaybo. You don’t actually have to leave any attempt on his life to when you’re sitting oppo-ing-site him glaring and thus making suspicion more likely to fall on you when people start thinking “Oh, I wonder who in this magnificent ing boudoir doesn’t appear to like Mr Bahnd very much?”

LE CHIFFRE

You really don’t ing get how this works, do you?

SOME-HO
(Grumbling, flicking through her copy of Jumbo Wordsearches)

Just sayin’.

CUT TO: That evening. No attempts having been made on his life all day - he went to the garden centre and, as a little present to himself, had some flapjack - BOND is back at the card table. LE CHIFFRE considers his own cards and a frown furrows his juicyfruit brow. In shot between LE CHIFFRE and BOND stand MATHIS and VESPER, at the bar. This composition looks like it’s been ing directed that way and y’know something? It has been, faggots.

LE CHIFFRE
(Screaming)

Oh ing hell, these cards are complete ing , waaaaah!

MATHIS
(Leaning into VESPER and in so doing copping a crafty glimpse at her mummylumps)

That’s. The tell.

VESPER

I ing knurr. I was ing listening earlier.

MATHIS

I’m. Talking. To the audience. Through you.

VESPER

You might as well hold up the ing script in frunt of the camerah and turn the ferkin pages fur them.

MATHIS
(Squints)

What script?

Meanwhile, back at the adults’ table, LE CHIFFRE takes a suck on his inhaler. Fnarr.

LE CHIFFRE
(Choking, spitting)

! There’s a ing cockroach in there! ing Montenignog ing pharmacy! Sucking on a cockroach. I mean, ! Sucking on a roach - that I can ing handle.

BOND

What about sucking on a cock?

LE CHIFFRE
(Uncertain and hesitant, as if he can’t quite believe that all his wet dreams have come true)

Whaddyou ing mean?

BOND

Just ing with you, man.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE’S side of the table rising ever so imperceptibly. LE CHIFFRE looks over at SOME-HO and the table comes crashing back to the ground again. So, bitch has her uses.

LE CHIFFRE
(Changing the subject fairly bloody obviously)

I’m going all in.

MATHIS
(Whispering)

He’s going all in.

VESPER

I ing knurr. Ah say ‘eem dur it. D’yer think ah’m ing blind?

MATHIS

Sister, with that much mascara, anything’s possible.

BOND lifts his cards. We see that he has the full set of Mr Inbred the Cowfarmer and his family. It’s a good hand, albeit one with seven fingers.

MATHIS

Bond. Willhaveto. Go. All in…to match. Him.

VESPER

I knowwwww.

(She lifts his bottle of beer and snatches away the beermat upon which he’s written his lines. She holds it up in front of the camera - takes a moment to get it around the right way, the stupid bitch - and then with her left big toe she points out the words:

'Bond (do a squint) will have to (do a pause) go all in (and a really long pause you’re a winner Michael and don’t let anyone ever tell you different) to match (stop and look enigmatic) him.’

VESPER
(Direct to camera)

You got that, you fat s?

CUT TO: BOND staring at LE CHIFFRE staring at BOND staring at LE CHIFFRE staring at BOND. “Cards” seems to involve a lot of staring and a whole fat load of nothing very much else.

BOND
(Pushing big pile of wet, hard and cold chips into the middle of the table)

I’m all in and all over your , boy.

LE CHIFFRE
(Audible gulp)

CUT TO: The watching crowd doing a lot of mumbly head acting and trying to pretend they’ve ing understood what just ing happened.

CUT TO: BOND’s cards being revealed. The crowd gasp at the majesty that is “cards”. What a great game. Or is it a ing sport? Who gives a ? FELIX LEITER THE BROOM shakes a bit, and the tennis ball falls off. It is unbearably ing tense. CONDORMAN BINBAG appears to be seeping, as does PRINCESS ANNE.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE’s gormless leering handsome smile as he shows his cards. It’s the family Bunne, who in the Connecticut rules version outrank the InBreds in social class if not in number (or at least, not in ing Connecticut). Apparently this is a really rare hand in Happy Families and was last seen in 1979 when some guy in some place did it, or something really ing important like that.

CUT TO: The crowd going mental at this momentous ing event that has justified their miserable ing lives.

BOND

Oh .

LE CHIFFRE

I bet you thought I was bluffing? Oh no, silly ing me, you’ve nothing left to ing bet with, have you? ing a-hole loser pwned bitch.

DEALER

Mr Le Chiffre - and what sort of ing name is that? - wins. I guess.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE and the other players leave the table; BOND sits there on his own. It’s like ing deep, the extremity of his isolation and a lesson that he will now have to rely on other people and be less ing detached. Like, woah. And also because it takes ages to move Pierce around. Perhaps some sort of a pulley system? Anyone got a pram? Or even a tray, that might work.

CUT TO: No little time later, BOND stands on the balcony of the underground lair (don’t ing ask, just don't ing) looking wistfully out of shot to where the third AD is holding up a big bottle of Jameson, just to coax him through the scene.

VESPER
(Approaches. You could sum up her expression as “annoyed”)

You knew he had Mr Bunne the Baker, didn’t yew?

BOND
(In full on acting mode - strap yourselves in, everyone)

It’s my NEMESIS. And I thought I COULD BEAT IT!

(Does that weird chin thing again - and people make comments about my ing chin)

It’s what keeps me alive.

(He stares out to sea. The sea is three hundred miles away)

VESPER

No. It’s what keeps you alone.

AUDIENCE

Yes, yes, we ing get it. Give us something else. Well, perhaps not so much of the cards - beginning to, like, ing drag, y'know? What this film needs is real quick editing, but no doubt if they did that we'd moan about that too.

VESPER

Yew can’t afford to be alone. Just yew and yer eagle.

BOND

The only ing thing I need to afford is five million more dollars. See how I brought it back round to the ing plot?

QT commentary: He’s ing great.

VESPER

Ah’m sorry, I can’t do that.

BOND
(Ooh, angry)

Sorry? Sorry? Try putting that in a proper sentence, or one that’s almost in English, like “Sorry that Le Chiffre’s going to win and invest it all in like Death Proof? Sorry that innocent people are going to have to ing watch that self-indulgent tedious ?”

QT commentary: Hang on, I don't remember writing that.

VESPER

It’s all about yew and your eagle isn’t it?

BOND

You leave my ing eagle out of it.

VESPER

Nurr, ah can’t do eet.

BOND
(Mumbles something that’s probably quite ing sharp)

…sdfsfsdfsdfsreeremmm…

VESPER

Haven't you put your teeth in?

BOND

I said you’re a ing crackwhore AIDS bitch shat out of a fat ’s gargantuan bonehole.

VESPER

…didn’t sound much like that.

BOND

Look, you know I can beat this man and you’re just being difficult.

VESPER

Of course ah’m being difficult. Ah’m French. Although they’ve never really buthered to announce the fact.

BOND

French? I thought you’d had some sort of mouth trauma, like someone had smashed your teeth in.

VESPER

Nurr, that hasn’t ‘appened

BOND

Give me the money or find out, bitch.

VESPER

That’s your eagle again. Good evening, Mr Bond. (Exits)

BOND
(Turns to mournful, chastened looking eagle perched next to him)

Don’t worry, Daddy still loves you.

(He leans in, as if to kiss to listen to it speaking)

You want to scratch her ing eyes out and rip her kidneys apart with your talons? Hmm. Can’t deny it’s a ing plan. However, I’ve just thought of an even more ing inexplicable one…!

CUT TO: BOND leaning against bar in the main salon of the casino.

BOND

Tia Maria, Lime and Coke

B’MAN

Pork scratching - salted or butterscotch?

BOND

Do I look like I give a ing ing ly ing ing of a ing ing of a of a ?

B’MAN

Now you come to mention it, no, not really.

BOND watches LE CHIFFRE and his one female companion and a gaggle of lithe young men walking across the room, laughing gaily.

BOND
(Grabbing something from the table, turns out to be a spoon, too late to change his mind, “runs” past MATHIS who ever so accidentally just so happens to be near to where they do booze)

Get the girl out!

MATHIS

Why?

BOND

It sounded good in the trailer. Makes no ing sense at all now, admittedly.

BOND starts running down the stairs and is about to knife spoon LE CHIFFRE in the ribs when - suddenly! - through the balustraded banisters shoots FELIX LEITER THE BROOM and BOND trips over him and lands in a heap. The corset holds - phew! He is slightly concussed so as he looks up, the broom appears to be talking to him through its half tennis ball head, now nailed in place.

FELIX LEITER AS PLAYED BY A BROOM WITH HALF A TENNIS BALL NAILED TO IT

Hey, honky bro, where’dyou goin’, what’s jive man?

QT commentary: ing incredible voiceover work there, if not really a huge ing stretch for Sandy Lyle.

BOND

me, a talking broom

FELIX LEITER AS PLAYED BY A BROOM WITH HALF A TENNIS BALL NAILED TO IT AND DON’T DENY THAT THIS ISN’T A MARKED ING IMPROVEMENT

Any hole for my pole, brudder. Anyhoo, e-nough of the crazy white- jive . You and me, we bruddahs, ya dig?

BOND

Completely. This all seems very sensible.

FELIX LEITER AS PLAYED BY A BROOM WITH HALF A TENNIS BALL NAILED TO IT AND NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, WHY BOTHER CASTING AN ACTRESS AS MISS MONEYPENNY WHEN FOR PRETTY MUCH THE SAME MONEY AND IMPACT YOU CAN GET BY WITH A TIN OF PROCESSED HAM?

Me, ya dig, I’m a CIA broom, not just any ing broom, I’m a broom that’s not very good at ing cards, that’s ‘cause I’s a broom.

BOND

So… you’re going to give me the five million dollars to continue in the game?

FELIX LEITER AS PLAYED BY A BROOM WITH HALF A TENNIS BALL NAILED TO IT AND REFLECTING ON THE MONEYPENNY CASTING DECISION, IT WOULD BE IMPORTANT THAT THE TIN HAD NO DENTS, OTHERWISE IT COULD COME ACROSS AS OVERWRITING. Q CAN BE PLAYED BY AN OLD TYRE, OR PERHAPS SOME CRESS.

Sho ting, mudda[censored]er!

BOND

But given that this is a ing hallucination, this five million dollar loan is actually completely fictional, isn’t it?

FELIX LEITER etc etc

U.S. foreign policy in a nutshell, bro.

[Jim]

Chapter 18: With any luck, the last few scenes with cards in them. Notice how we keep moving away from the card “action” Why’s that, do you ing imagine? You get one ing guess.

CUT TO: BOND sitting back at the card table, dumps a load of fresh chips, lovely and hot, in front of him. LE CHIFFRE looks at his own large mouldy pile - oh, how he wants some of BOND’s stack. Is that an innuendo? Ah, who gives a . BOND, with an element of wirework help otherwise the fat er will break it, climbs onto the table and crawls across it, reaching over to LE CHIFFRE’s pile and, despite his own lovely, delicious-looking batch, picks a cold hard chip from in front of LE CHIFFRE. BOND teases it around his mouth, his tongue working the chip, tying it into a loveknot, staring all the while at LE CHIFFRE who suddenly throws his inhaler aside and locks lips with BOND in a steamy ing embrace lasting about five minutes of slobbering boy-on-boy manlove action oh what‘s that on the soundtrack, it‘s ing 10CC I‘m Not In Love, well I tell ya. I tell ya, I am in love, I am in love, kkkk…

QT commentary: Bit of the director’s cut, there. We decided to drop that whole plot strand of my character being a fag when I told them to. It doesn't come across in any of the remaining scenes. At all.

CUT TO: BOND sitting back at the card table, dumps a load of fresh chips etc etc BOND’s stack.

CUT TO: Time we had a montage. BOND starts winning, LE CHIFFRE starts losing, how and why are never explained to you and whatd’you seriously ing expect?

CUT TO: SOME-HO at the bar. She drops something into BOND’s drink - it turns purple and starts fizzing. An improvement. Some of it seems to be turning solid; the rest appears to have become self-aware and is organising some sort of washing-up rota.

CUT TO: BOND looking over at VESPER - he raises his drink to her. VESPER looks seriously unimpressed and continues painting her toenails, wondering when she’s going to get another line. Bitch is bored. BOND sniffs his drink, ignores the viscous jelly and big lumps of gristle, and downs it in one.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE sniggering.

CUT TO: BOND projectile vomiting all over LE CHIFFRE.

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE not sniggering.

CUT TO: BOND crashes his way through the casino, passing VESPER who is being chatted up by a sorta indie-looking bearded young guy who’s probably an ethnic cleanser wanted for crimes against humanity international financier wanted for crimes against humanity like they have in Montenegro. She doesn’t seem too bothered by his attentions, nor by the way he is licking her toes, nor by BOND pushing past.

VESPER
(To younger guy)

Oh, durn’t worrie about eem; he just ‘as to go more often the older he gets.

CUT TO: The little boy’s room. Not “a” little boy’s room. It’s not that sort of movie. BOND is writhing on the floor, slappering around in vomited up innards. The walls are like some sort of ing dirty protest and it’s now coming out of every orifice like spunk out of a tickled teen. As soon as a gust shoots out of his ears, I want a snap-cut to black-and-white, geddit? Otherwise it will look too gross and I have my ing responsibilities as a filmmaker. An auteur.

CUT TO: Outside the Casino, BOND, sweating and trembly from the exertion of having to run about a bit, is nearly knocked over by a UN Peace Corps armoured vehicle diamond studded Bugatti with marshmallow wheels. He makes it to his Arrrssston, and pulls from the glove box a pouch labelled “Emergency Medical Kit”. He unzips it, and pulls out a small mechanical owl like that er from Clash of the Titans. In fact, it is that er from Clash of the Titans. I ing own it. I swapped it for some back copies of Whizzer & Chips. He prises open its beak, it lights up and he sticks his right thumb into its throat.

CUT TO: Lahndahn. A room of people we’ve never met before but we’re going to have to assume for narrative purposes are suddenly quite important.

DOCTOR #1
(Looking at monitor: apparently a FreeCell marathon can tell him things)

It’s 007; he’s about to go into a coma!

DOCTOR #2

Well, he is quite old, had to happen sooner or later; and did you see Laws of Attraction? You probably wouldn’t be able to tell. Bless.

CUT TO: M’s office. PHAGGE enters, butchly

PHAGGE

Hiya. Bond’s been poisoned and he’s going to die, or something.

M

I take an hour off from this film and a ) it’s still not ing over yet and b ) things get ing frilly. Christ’s fat cock, what the is Bond up to now? Help me with the ing plot, I sorta zoned out for a bit.

PHAGGE

Not sure, girlfriend. I’ve spent the last hour waterboarding that bitch Hamble.

CUT TO: Not Q Branch On Any Official Paperwork But The Saddos Can Assume It Is As Long As They Give Us Some Money.

DOCTOR #1

Perhaps Bond's been given Chlamydia!

DOCTOR #2

Ooh, call me Mr Surprised...

DOCTOR #1

Shouldn't that be Dr Surprised?

DOCTOR #2

No. I'm a specıalıst, so I get called Mr Surprised, by the likes of ing you anyway.

DOCTOR #1

Ooh, get her. Anyway, isn't this er a job for Q?

MR SURPRISED

Q retired two ing movies ago. We need his replacement! Zed!

DOCTOR #!

Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead. Oh no, tell a lie, here he ing comes.

ZED

All Hail! It is I, Zoltar from Battle of the ing Planets, although it's really called Gatchaman and it's apparently ing vital that I tell you this.

(Swishes cape, knocks listlessly hanging old tyre from its rope)

MR SURPRISED

I thought Z was a ing random letter.

DOCTOR #1
(Under his breath)

…ing random script...

ZOLTAR

Silence Earth N-words! And I can call you N-words because back on my home planet of Really-Can't-Be-ing-Bothered-To-Look-It-Up, our N-words are all white! So, it's not ing racist, see?

DOCTOR #1

Well, it is a bit...

ZOLTAR

Ssh! ing shut up! Shut the up, honky N-word!

MR SURPRISED, M.D.

I think you're a little confused.

ZOLTAR

Yeah, it's the ing cape, innit? Is that a bit ing faggy? You will tell me, won't you?

DOCTOR #1

'Course we will. (Turns away) Hee hee hee.

BOND
(Over P.A. system)

Hello. ing dying here.

ZOLTAR THE LIBERATOR

What’s he taken?

MR SURPRISED (IT’S NOT HIS REAL NAME, Y’KNOW)

It looks like Flashback Juice.

DOCTOR #1

What’s that?

ZOLTAR THE REALLY NICE

It’s like Polyjuice Potion but considerably less actionable.

CUT TO: BOND in the Arrston, in the first throes of flashback. It is filmed in high-def black + white and involves images of a younger BOND being anally set-to by a baker whilst sitting in the back row of a cinema watching Goldfinger or something. Something to try to explain all the ing nonsense, anyway. Maybe some clowns. I don’t ing know; we’ll add this in post-production.

CUT TO: The doctors. And Zoltar. From Battle of the Planets. Who is their boss.

ZOLTAR THE MISUNDERSTOOD

Bond, if you can hear me, you need to stick your dick in the owl’s beak.

DOCTOR #1

In slight dread at what the ing answer’s going to be, why does he have to do that?

ZOLTAR THE LOVELY

Because it’s probably smaller than his thumb.

CUT TO: M’s office. M and PHAGGE are looking at the monitor. We can’t see what’s on the ing monitor. It probably involves dogs.

M

Bond! Stick your cock in the bird‘s mouth!

PHAGGE

Been trying to do that all movie.

M

Bond! Cock! Bird!

QT commentary: Some of my best ever ing writing there.

CUT TO: BOND struggling to insert himself into the bird. He finally succeeds, but the bird’s lights go out. Before he passes out, BOND realises that the bird is clockwork and he hasn’t wound it up.

CUT TO: VESPER running into view, finding the scene absolutely ing normal because it ing is, yeah?, and starting to wind up the clockwork tin bird clamped to BOND’s penis. Film this from some distance away and it’ll look, y’know, cool.

DOCTOR #1
(Tinny voice emanating from the side of the bird’s mouth)

Miss Bint? Are you there?

VESPER
(Bending to talk to small clockwork owl, BOND’s penis slightly in view. Hee hee hee hee hee)

Yurss

CUT TO:

DOCTOR #1
(To ZOLTAR)

Did… did you understand that?

ZOLTAR

No idea. Probably safest to assume she’s there, though. Miss Bint, hello, this is Zoltar the Crusher of Worlds and Deputy Director of Internal Admin. I need to you be listening to me. Do you understand me?

VESPER
(Over p.a. system)

If I say “yes”, things weel turn out okay, yarse?

ZOLTAR
(Shrugs)

Er… yes?

VESPER

Then - yearse!

ZOLTAR

Near enough. Now, go to the glove box…

M
(Over p.a. system)

Zoltar, this isn’t working. Not that it stops it being filmed and making ing loads of cash. Get a message out to Bond now!

ASSORTED DOCTORS

(Hurridly stapling the message “Try to breathe normally” onto a half-dozen pigeons)

CUT TO: VESPER, rummaging in the glove box.

VESPER

Lawk what I found! A huge forking syringe!

CUT TO: ZOLTAR

ZOLTAR

That’s ing A, Miss Bint. Well ing done. Now, you need to inject him with it.

DOCTOR #1

Here I am asking yet another ing question. What’s in it?

ZOLTAR

Something of my own invention. I call it Zoltar’s Magic Jesus Juice. It’s liquid adrenaline, a raw egg white, a shot of pastis for flavour and a lickle bit of spit.

(To VESPER)

Miss Bint, whatever you do, don’t undo the corset. He’ll go off like a ing airbag. What you need to do is ram the needle so hard through it that the needle finds skin somewhere.

CUT TO:

VESPER

Should Ah aim fur his heart?

CUT TO:

DOCTOR #1
(Shrugging)

…something about his fur?

ZOLTAR

Don’t worry; I spent years at a special needs hospital. They called it Wales. (Louder) No, Miss Bint, but the content of the needle must be injected into stomach fat. Can you do that?

CUT TO:

VESPER

Too easy. (Raises needle above head, and rams it down into BOND’s belly).

CUT TO: BOND rising up really quickly and suddenly, so suddenly that he headbutts the camera and knocks himself out. That’s like a really ing kewl joke. That’s so ing kewwwl.

CUT TO: Some time later, back at the cards (remember them?). BOND, looking well apart from one of those really ing annoyingly obvious blue plasters across his forehead, takes his seat again. LE CHIFFRE looks across, surprised, albeit with a hint of yearning. Shavings of desire. And perhaps a jus of spunk.

BOND

I’m sorry. (Pauses; here comes a winner). Don’t have the fish.

ALL AROUND THE TABLE
(Laugh, as if at gunpoint. Some utter tit for whom a violent death is too good even goes “Whoop”.)

VOICEOVER

Casino Royale is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

[Jim]

Chapter 19: The cards end. Hoo-ing-ray. But the movie dun’t. Hoo-ing-boo. Still, there's a car chase, some genital torture and a show tune, and that's ing entertainment

CUT TO: Dealer, doing his ing thang

DEALER

Wiz zis chip exchange, we now move into zer third hour of this moooovie

BOND

, man, how much longer can this nonsense go on? I’m old. Help meeeee.

CUT TO: A little while later. Basically it’s BOND and LE CHIFFRE left. Everyone else has lost, gone home or died of old age. MICHAEL STIPE, brandishing a long glittery cane, casually minces behind BOND and looks over his shoulder at BOND’s hand. And at BOND’s cards. He stands up and makes wild, panicked gestures at LE CHIFFRE. BOND must have good “cards”. I dunno.

LE CHIFFRE
(Misreading the signals spectacularly; making a bit of a ing habit of that)

I’m going all in.

MICHAEL STIPE
(Facepalms)

LE CHIFFRE

Ooh... .

QT commentary: I wanted to introduce this cooool little moment from the book, to prove I read it. I can read, y'know. I am ing litret.

MICHAEL STIPE
(Does something ing furtive with cane, and leans in to Bond)

My long, loaded tube is pressed into the base of your spine, Mr Bond. One false move and I shall shoot it all up there and you won‘t be able to walk.

BOND

Hmm. Bit faggy, non?

MICHAEL STIPE

Oh. Do you think so? Do I give off that sort of a vibe? Really?

(Pause)

.
(Walks off)

BOND

I’m going all in.

(Pushes massive pile of chips into middle of table. Casually, and for artistic effect, he lobs a saveloy on top)

CUT TO: VESPER and MATHIS watching.

VESPER

OK, Captain Cards, for the sake of the morons in the audience, how much is that?

MATHIS

ing loads.

CUT TO: The table, which is probably beginning to smell a bit by now, yeah?

DEALER

Mr Le Chirr… Le Zifff… Le Grrr… you there, Chinny, yes you, Mr Punch - it’s your call.

LE CHIFFRE
(Shows his cards - turns direct to camera, smiling)

Ladies & Gentlemen, the Partridge Family

CUT TO: Two minute montage interlude during which David Cassidy has his face levered off with a rusty chisel and then a load of salt is thrown over him, David Gelbwaks has his left foot nailgunned to the floor and a feral Susan Dey plucks out and then eats one of his eyeballs as if t’were pickled onion.

BOND

Impressive. But…

(He flips over his cards)

DEALER
(Is aghast)

LE CHIFFRE
(Is chin-mental)

VESPER
(Suddenly and inexplicably falls in love despite the appalling way BOND has been treating her)

MATHIS
(Is vaguely aware of being somewhere; there are lights and )

BOND

…I win.

(It’s Mr Bunne the ing Baker. BOND has beaten all of his nemesises (nemeses? I don’t ing know) and is The ing Man)

LE CHIFFRE
(Taking it surprisingly well, despite all chin-based evidence to the contrary)

Oh rat’s cocks. Tchoh! That’s torn it and no mistake. Still, if on the off chance that Obanno’s actually dead, I won’t be in too much ing trouble really and I won‘t have to torture anyone. Anyone know?

BOND
(Decides to stay silent; he probably thinks this is a really smart ing move. Or because torture’s his ing “thing”, y‘know? Or maybe because he thinks LE CHIFFRE might just have spotted the autoeviscerated OBANNO hanging from a ing tree, strange ing fruit indeed, and put two and teo together on that one)

CUT TO: Hotel restaurant. It is a completely ing horrible Eastern-Yurpeen hole where the choice is "meat" or "identifiable meat" or "identifiable but because you know what it ing is you wouldn’t want to eat it meat" rather pleasant and lovely. BOND tucks into a plate of meat caviar and VESPER sits across from him, fiddling with her jewellery.

BOND
(Speaking with his mouth full; that’s ing gross, urr)

Y’know, I’ve just worked out what that is.

VESPER
(Conscious of touching the jewel)

Oh yairs?

BOND

Pearl necklace. Given to you by someone very close.

VESPER

Mhaybee.

BOND

She’s a lucky woman.

VESPER

It wurss a man

BOND

Let an old man live out his fantasies, yeah?

(Takes a sip of his “drink”)

Y’know, I think I’m going to call that a Vesper…

VESPER

Because of the fact it’s completely ing disgusting?

BOND

Well, ish. And also because it could probably power a small scooter.

VESPER
(Laughs)

BOND

Bad line?

VESPER

No; I only just got the reference to pearl necklace.

BOND

Smart as well as beautiful. I like that in a bitch. As well as decent foot hygiene. Nothing else bothers me.

VESPER

It duzzn’t bozzer you then, killing those peepil?

BOND
I wouldn’t be very ing good at my ing job if it did.

VESPER

You haive a choice. You durn’t have to keep doing something no matter how gurd you are.

BOND

(Under his breath) Like ing acting? (Louder) True, but these films aren’t about James Bond the ing Upholsterer, are they? James Bond the ing seamstress? Y’know? I’ve got Broccolis to feed and several dozen saddo websites to support. Anyway, you’ve understood me pretty well, but I still don’t get you. I am now going to express my suspicions but not actually listen to myself, because I’m some sort of ing moron. There’s something driving you that I don’t understand and probably never will. I hear no ing alarm bells ringing. This is because I ing fancy you and you’re obviously going to ing betray me and this is apparently not a misogynist story.

VESPER

The urnly way I’ll be driven is if I’m strapped to zer hood of a 1971 Camaro Z-28 and driven in a high speed chase. And what are the ing chances of that?

QT commentary: Let’s find out, bitch.

A sort of off-white dove crashes into VESPER’s plate of dog bowl of delicious soup.

VESPER
(Sniffing the bird)

It’s Mathis. The Americans 'ave pulled Le Chiffre…

BOND

Fnarr…

VESPER

And for nurr apparent reason I now have to meet eem at the front of the ‘otel despite the fact I have nothing to do with this any more and never did anyweay. ‘Bye. (Exits)

BOND
(Takes a sip of drink, regrets it when he remembers what it is. Looks at the “dove” - it appears to be changing colour. Hang a ity minute on! That’s no dove! It’s a badly painted crow! ARAMA!)

Mathis!

CUT TO: BOND “rushing” from hotel, in time to see VESPER being strapped to the hood of a 1971 Camaro Z-28 and driven off at high speed, followed by a JagWarrr.

CUT TO: Really, really coool bit where BOND leaps a chainlink fence at only the sixth attempt and squeezes himself into the Arrsssston, which rips away in a moment of tyre-squealing cumjuicing glee.

CUT TO: The Arrrrrrrrstonnnn chasing the Camaro and the JagWarrr along the potholed scrubby roads of war-torn smoothly tarmaced roads set in the verdant rolling hills of Montenegro. A few cuts here and there to VESPER screaming as she is driven faster and faster but the bitch is probably ing enjoying it, I know I would.

CUT TO: The Arrssssssstonnnn doing a sort of jump, not too high or it’ll set off Pierce’s lumbago.

Suddenly! The headlights show VESPER lying in the road, legs wide open and ready to receive two tonnes of ing supercar right up her . Ever the gentleman, and wanting to save her for himself, BOND swerves and gives the car what can only be fairly ing described as a right old twatting.

CUT TO: A lairrr. MICHAEL STIPE and SOME OTHER GOON tie a naked BOND to a bottomless chair. LE CHIFFRE prowls around with some rope, looking ing hubba-bubba. Offscreen, VESPER screams, but is probably enjoying herself because all women love semi-rape. Hey, it wasn‘t ing me who wrote that, yeah? Blame some dead guy.

LE CHIFFRE
(Eyeing up BOND in a totally hetero way)

You’ve looked after… you’ve sorta taken care… OK. Um. . Er, you’ve got a body. Well, vaguely. Ish.

BOND
(Watching LE CHIFFRE swing a thick white, veiny and knotted and in-no-way-shape-or-form-Freudian rope in the vicinity of his anus)

Ha! My testicles can withstand ordinary rope, Le Thing! They’ve been inside a Halle Berry character, for ’s sake. So they’re ing indestructible.

LE CHIFFRE

So I’ve heard. (Wraps razor wire around rope).

BOND

Oh .

LE CHIFFRE
(Whacks him)

BOND

Admittedly, that does ing sting.

LE CHIFFRE
(Sitting beside him)

Y’know, I think we need some music. To torture you by.

BOND

I could sing. You know, an obscure album track, like Dum Dum Diddle, To be Your Fiddle…

LE CHIFFRE

Uh, no. It’s me ing torturing you, yeah?

BOND
(Desperately, but not as desperate as everyone else if this suggestion is taken up)

What about Bang-A-Boomerang? And not the Svenne & Lotta version, yeah?

LE CHIFFRE
(In thought, as if dangerously close to accepting this as a good idea)

We probably won’t get copyright clearance.

QT commentary: We didn’t.

LE CHIFFRE

(Produces a C90 from his jacket pocket)

You see, your friend Mathis is… actually my friend Mathis…and he made me a tape.

CUT TO: Close-up of tape: label reads “To Hilary Le Chiffre: memories of our summer of love, Leominster 1986 xxooxxx”

CUT TO: LE CHIFFRE putting tape into recorder, pressing Play, and up strike the epic, manly opening chords of “I Am What I Am”, bootleg Bronski Beat disco version. LE CHIFFRE begins to dance around, wrapping the razor-rope around him like a feather boa until we…

CUT TO: Dream sequence, in which LE CHIFFRE, dressed in a simply mahvellous diaphanous silver ballgown and Yootha Joyce wig, dances amongst a troupe of tapdancing tuxedoed BOND clones (the CGI here is really ing impressive), coquettishly wrapping the razor boa around their throats and chopping their ing heads off; it’s like How To Marry a Millionaire with marginally less ing maiming, and this goes on until we suddenly…

CUT TO: …the machine chewing the tape up; we’re back in the lairrr.

QT commentary: That’s how the Mr Blonde scene in Reservoir Dogs was always supposed to ing play but we ran out of ing budget.

LE CHIFFRE

I don’t really go in for elaborate torture. Er, despite what you’ve just ing seen. I find it is very simple to cause a man lots of pain.

LE CHIFFRE swings the rope. There is a sudden and violent explosion of piss and , everywhere.

BOND

I think you just hit my bag.

LE CHIFFRE

Gross. Anyway (wipes chin), if you do not yield, there will be little left to ever show that you were a man. The question is, will you yield in time? I want the money. Well, what about it, ing yieldy-man?

BOND
(Choosing not to tell him that Obanno is dead so all this can end right now)

Oh off, you noisy little man.

LE CHIFFRE
(Hits him again)

Miss Bint will give me the account number, because if she doesn’t I’ll let Michael Stipe over there practise on her.

CUT TO: MICHAEL STIPE, who is absent-mindedly winding the cassette tape back onto its spool with a pencil.

CUT TO: Torture pørn

LE CHIFFRE

Just give me the password, bitch!

(Watches BOND’s expression)

Please?

BOND
(Smiling (I think))

I’ve got an itch. Down there. Although frankly I thought any bloodflow there was over years ago, so all this has been oddly reassuring. I need a scratch. No! Not with your ing finger; that’s…faggy.

LE CHIFFRE
(Whacks the rope into BOND’s genitals. This is a PG-13, apparently)

And this is better?

BOND

Much; thank you my darling.

LE CHIFFRE

You’re a funny guy.

BOND

And yet you appear to be entirely ing normal. But at least the world will know that you died spanking my .

LE CHIFFRE

I died? Me? Die? Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?

BOND

Put simply, I’m not going to ing tell you, and then all the people whose money you have lost, including Mr Obanno who I’ll pretend is very much a-ing-live contrary to suspicion and the fact that you watched him being strung up by his own innards oh that was a plot hole… anyway, all those guys, they’re going to come and cut you into tiny itty bits of scrapings of fag and then they’re going to turn you into pate and keep you at the back of the ‘fridge until you go off and they then just throw you away without even bothering to ing sniff you.

LE CHIFFRE

But! You! Are! So! Wrong!

BOND

OK, OK, keep it down, don’t get mental. Mentaler.

LE CHIFFRE

Because even when I butcher you and your ing two-bit whore bitch, your people will welcome me with open arms.

BOND
(A disturbing thought emerges; LE CHIFFRE is probably right, especially as M is a man in a dress)

….the bigger picture. Lorryloads of ing trannies running the secret services.

LE CHIFFRE

J. Edgar. Normal. Look, hon, tell you what - give me the password and I’ll let your little girlfriend live. Bits of her, anyway. Can I keep the feet, though?

BOND
(Smirks. It’s really very ing annoying. No wonder LE CHIFFRE is peeved)

LE CHIFFRE

You’re not going to tell me, are you?

BOND

Nope on a rope, dope.

LE CHIFFRE

OK, so I tried being nice. (Flings blood and poo-soaked razor-rope aside). That was me being nice, promise. it, I don't care what you know or don't know; I'm gonna ing kill you anyway. So as a ing whore's duvet (produces broken pencil) I’m going to saw off and feed you what you don’t seem to value.

BOND

My artistic credibility?

LE CHIFFRE

Ssh.

LE CHIFFRE tries to push BOND over. It’s not easy. With MICHAEL STIPE’s help, they eventually manage it, but he just bounces back up again. Sighing, and crawling into the really unpleasant mess under BOND’s chair, LE CHIFFRE proceeds to hack at BOND’s testicles with the broken pencil. An expression of clam ecstasy appears on BOND’s face.

Suddenly! Gunshots offscreen and the lairr door clangs open. Into view strides MR WHITE, looking very cool and refreshed after his half-dozen months without a scene. He shoots MICHAEL STIPE in the face, to much cheering.

MR WHITE

It’s the end of the world as you know it, o.

QT commentary: Harv’s so coool.

LE CHIFFRE

Look, I’ll get you the money

MR WHITE

For our organisation, it’s about loyalty and knowing who to trust. Even though this is all largely my fault for trusting you in the first place, and I should therefore be shooting myself, but I thought - that. But I will ask myself some very searching questions later. And talk to Human Resources about some further training, book me on a course, that sort of thing. So, guess what?

LE CHIFFRE

What?

MR WHITE

You’re fired. (Shoots LE CHIFFRE) Although technically he was an independent contractor engaged for individual projects but “I’m afraid the budget doesn’t stretch to cover you” isn’t, quite, y’know… Y’know.

LE CHIFFRE
(Falls into shot, dead, although it’s not abundantly clear that it’s him)

MR WHITE

Now, what could I do? Could I continue the torture of this Bond to find out where the money is? Or, by not doing so and randomly and inexplicably ing off, continue the torture of the audience by passing up the one big opportunity to end this ing movie? Decisions, de-ing-cisions.

He makes a de-ing-cision. He s off, both randomly and inexplicably.

QT commentary: Right, I’m dead, there’s nothing more to see here. You may as well all go home now. Although, obviou-ity-lutely you’re watching this on DVD so you know there’s still some to be blown up and a bitch to kill. At length. At very ing length. Bit like my dick. What rumours?

[Jim]

Chapter 20: On and on. On and on and on, on and on and on. On and on and on. On and on and on.Keep on rocking baby. 'Til the night is gone.

CUT TO: Close-up on BOND’s eyes waking. His vision is all ing blurred. Cataracts and Guinness; really you over, man. Into Supermarionationblurrovision come VESPER and - ooh - MATHIS who looms ever closer as BOND blacks out, but chooses not to kill him when he has the best ing opportunity. . Instead, the film ing continues so we have to endure a

CUT TO: The garden of a hospital in Montenegro. As you might ing expect, it is incredibly squalid and dirtier than whacking off into an artificial leg really very beautiful and the staff are brought to you by Morrisons Abercrombie & Fitch. BOND and MATHIS are talking. No, ing scratch that: BOND is talking. MATHIS is doing noises.

MATHIS
(Squint. Smoke. Squint. Annoy)

Hmmfrr Mggg Nn.

BOND
(Sitting down, even though one would think this would be ing painful in itself)

Have another go.

MATHIS

Hmmmfftthh kkkkssssp oooommmmm

BOND

Maybe some kind of run-up?

MATHIS

Annyidea. Why they. LEFTyou. Alive?

BOND

Not a ing scooby.

MATHIS

It’s asif smmmmm… trying to tell you something…

BOND

(Under breath) Yeah, I know how that ing feels… (Louder) Hoots, crivens and jings ma ing boab, that thought never crossed my mind. , I’m a dizzy bitch. Call me momentarily distracted by having me nadgers bolognesed.

MATHIS

Did you get a look at the killer?

BOND

I refer the honourable ing gentleman to the answer I gave some ing moments ago, ya deaf .

MATHIS
(Stirring bubbling cauldron)

They. Wantme. Togetyouto. Drink.

(Hands cup to BOND. The contents look at BOND in a real ing weird way. This drink is evil. This drink is probably possessed. I'll put a lightbulb in it, like ing Spellbound. Big red ing lightbulb. Y’know, it‘s probably a real ing bad idea to even hold this drink. It‘s like it‘s an infusion of the soul of Satan, Aleister Crowley and some ing lemongrass and )

MATHIS

This.

BOND

Ooh no, I’m full, me. Couldn’t eat or drink another scrap, ta. Replete, that’s what I am. ing replete.

MATHIS

Shhhhh, Ame. Do you have anything ELSE. To. Helpus?

BOND

Or help you?

MATHIS is approached from the rear by two strapping young men. Which would be ing nice for him except that instead of doing what they are actually gayforpaid for, they zapper him. There is no ing discernable effect.

CUT TO: Another bit of the colossally unpleasant beautiful hospital. BOND and VESPER are doing flirty time, or the nearest to it that I can write. BOND is waking from his post-prandial nap. Well, he’s getting on and since they cancelled High Road, afternoons just don’t have the same ing thrill, yeah?

VESPER

I lurk been ‘ere when you waik urp.

BOND
(Still sitting. It just won’t heal if you do that, y’know)

Er… quarter past ten?

VESPER

Yer looke at me as if I’d just been bourne.

BOND
(Hisses)

Don’t ing mention ing Bourne! This is nothing like ing Bourne. This has… cards.

(Pauses. Does his “smile“. , is there something wrong with his head or something?)

But if you’d just been born, you’d be naked, wouldn’t you?

VESPER
(A look of surprise, largely because she cannot believe she is saying this )

Ah, yew ‘ave me there. What ferkin brilliant repartee. And…

(She leans into his ear, and whispers down his ear trumpet)

You cun ‘ave me anywhere…

BOND

I can? Like - in Venice?

VESPER
(Smiling)

Si, signor

BOND

In… Wolverhampton?

VESPER

Cowin’ hell, yusss, that’d be bostin’

BOND

In Las Vegas?

VESPER

Well, no, but you’ve got to draw a ing line somewhere, ‘aven’t you? Y’know, ing standards.

BOND

Well, what a to-do. Considering that until recently, I’d have called your attitude to me as somewhere in the ‘hood of ing hatred wanna kill you drop dead saddo fat grandpa.

VESPER

Yars, but I’m an ineptly underwritten plot device incredibly complex wummin. And we’ve got to spin this out for another half hour for no more reason than the longer this goes on, the more people will be convinced that it was well worth taking a day out of their lives to witness.

Here comes MENTAL, skipping up the garden path. There’s an uphill gardener joke in there ing somewhere that I just can’t flick out. He is carrying the magic electro-briefcase. knows how many days after the carrrds this is meant to be taking place. I mean, if my monkeys were all mashed up it would take about a year to heal, but that’s because they’re so ing gargantuan. They ing are. THEY. ING. ARE.

MENTAL

Coo-Eee. Ooh, Monsieur Bond, how happy I am to vada your dolly old eek again. And this, this is your sister?

BOND

No.

MENTAL

What a pity. A well, a boy can dream. I like dreams. I like lots of things coming into my head. And my head just flows over.

BOND

Have you brought any chocolates?

MENTAL

No, but you just let me know, lover, and I’ll have you sucking on something sweet in no time.

BOND
(Does weird smile thing: might actually be onset of a palsy)

Nothing else that would help with instant stereotyping of you as Swiss?

MENTAL

Well, I know a lot of shepherd boys. And where all the art’s hidden. And I always stop work at 12.15 for a nice meaty lunchtime mouthful. Now, minxes, enough chit-chattery - I’m a busy boy with lots of men to see.

(He opens case)

There you are, Mr Bond, I’ve opened my hard sac for you. You just fiddle away.

BOND

Miss Bint has the account number. She can tap that in.

MENTAL
(Sighing)

Oh well, if she must. But it really won’t do anything for me, promise.

(VESPER taps in the account code)

See? And now, hon, the password.

BOND

Miss Bint can do that as well.

MENTAL
(Hissing)

You’re only doing this to make me jealous, aren’t you?

BOND

No; it’s just that I can’t move because my ing spunk pole’s been smashed about.

MENTAL

SM? Hmm. Kiss it better?

BOND

Er, no.

VESPER

Before I tell you two to get a ferkin room, what is the passwurde?

BOND

V…E…

MENTAL

Ooh, I know this! Verucca!

BOND

S…

MENTAL

Vestal virgin?

(Looks at VESPER)

I don’t ing think so, girlfriend.

BOND

P…A…

There.

VESPER

What’s that supposed to be?

BOND

Er; your name?

MENTAL

Oooh, uncomfortable silence. Still, I was pretty close with verucca, after all.

VESPER

It’s v e s p e r, .

Anyway, that was only five characters; I still need a sixth. Was it a number?

BOND
(Furrowing brow, reinventing acting in the process)

Er…I think it was a 3.

VESPER
(Enters the number)

Um…no.

MENTAL

Oooh, lumps. You only get two more goes and then all the money disappears. Into ing Switzerland. As per ing usual.

BOND

No, no, hold on - it was a 5

VESPER
(Enters the number. Erk!)

Ummm…no. C’mon, wurve urnly got one more go left!

MENTAL

…and it’s for one hundred and twenty million dollars...

(Addresses camera)

And we’ll be back, right after these words from our lovely sponsors.

CUT TO: Some really ing cool fake-o-rama audience appropriate commercials that me and Rodriguez and Del Toro and the guys spent hundreds of millions of dollars on and more care and a-ing-ttention went into these that did the rest of the ing movie and it was really only for this bit that I ever agreed to write and direct this er.

CUT TO: Meanwhile, back at the plot, if we really ing must

MENTAL

Hiya! Well, it’s all a crisis here and no mistake. Can the lovely Mr Bond juice my wad out of me? All in the hands of Ms - and we all know what that ing means - Bitch.

VESPER

You mean Bint.

MENTAL

I know what I ing mean, cupcake. C’mon sister, get with the programme, you twelve-step apocalypse cow.

BOND

I remember! I ing remember now. It was a seven. As in double-oh-seven. You would have thought I’d have remembered that. Still, I’m old. Who are you?

VESPER
(Enters number: suddenly fireworks go off and there are streamers and flashing lights and )

Shoes!

MENTAL

And we have a winner! A nice, big, well-moistened hand for Mr Bond! And the woman, I suppose. Now, James, may I call you James…?

BOND

If you must.

MENTAL

Oh, but I must. James. Yes, that’s a man’s name. A real man’s name. One to bite into. I could roll this James around my tongue. It’s such a muscular name. Like Kurt. Oh, Kurt…

(Sobs)

…anyway, what are you going to do with all this lovely money, James?

BOND

Well…

BOND looks at VESPER who says nothing but there’s a look in her eyes that hollers “Shoes!”. She even takes her shoes off and dangles them in front of him, and this is in no way a ing pretext to look at Uma’s feet again, it ing is not.

BOND

…I was thinking of lending it out to a load of Kentucky inbreds, mortgages for their trailers at rates of interest they cannot possibly afford to repay, and then seeing where that gets us all in about three years' time.

MENTAL

Speaking as a banker, that sounds like a really prudent idea. I’ll now wander off and think long and harrrrd about where you can stick your first big deposit. ‘Byeee.

(He fags off, faggily)

VESPER sits to one side, her head in her hands. Is this a really big ing clue that she’s feeling really ing guilty about something? Or that she’s just seen $120 million worth of shoes off as quickly as they ed on?

BOND

Are you alright?

(Pauses)

It’s not the shoes, is it? Look, I’ll buy you some nice plimsolls later. And, frankly, I think you look hotter without them.

QT commentary: My favourite ing line in the whole ing film. In fact, in my whole ing life.

VESPER
(Approaches BOND, then straddles and proceeds to lapdance him, writhingly. Uuuh.)

James… even if at the end of this, even though in saying that I’ve given away that it’s not yet over and I know this, ferkkkkk….

(Pauses. Writhes.)

James, even if all that wus left of yew was that weird lockjaw smile thing you spasm, and your leedle finger, you’d still be myrrh of a man than I’ve ever nurn, and believe me, I’ve known ing loads.

BOND

I guessed this wasn’t how a Girl Guide says hello…

VESPER
(In thought, at some particularly grubby memory)

Actually, yurr’d be surpraised…

BOND

…but you don’t know what I can do with my little finger…

VESPER

Well, since your cock is now a spatula, I’m guessing it’s the urnly thing about you that gets stiff…

BOND

It’s the arthritis…

VESPER

…apart frum yer acting, of course.

BOND

Ooh, that was a low blow

VESPER

Sorry. You’ve ‘ad more zan enuff of those lately, haven’t you?

MENTAL
(Popping back into shot, for t’joke)

One too few for my liking.

VESPER

off, faggot.

(MENTAL s off)

You've gurt yur armour up, haven't you?

BOND

No, it's just the way I'm sitting.

VESPER

You won't let me in.

BOND

Whatever I am. Whatever is left of me. Whatever is left of me, I'm yours.

VESPER

A size forty waist urnd a penis that now resembles a fish-knife. Wet more could a girl ask for?

BOND

Acting lessons?

[Jim]

Chapter 21: There’s no ing point giving up now. You‘re just past halfway. Home stretch. The end is in sight. Persevere. Percy ing Vere.

CUT TO: A beach in Montenegro. VESPER lies amidst the barbed wire golden sands, watching BOND swimming, and keeping an eye out for Japanese whalers. To show off, and to show how much he wishes to mate with her, from time to time BOND exhales through his blowhole. Blow. Hole. ing fnarr. Eventually, BOND rolls his way to shore, seagulls picking at his blubber and do-gooders spraying liquids all over him: spinsters.

BOND

Y’know, I’ve been thinking about what you said. The bit of it I understood, anyway.

VESPER

Which was?

BOND

If you go urn doing somezinnn lurng enuzz, you lurse yourself.

VESPER

You understudd that? But that was my voice at eets murst preposterous.

BOND

Or maybe that’s what I wanted to hear.

(Stares out to sea, moodily. The wind ruffles his hair; what’s left of it anyway)

Or maybe that’s what I needed to hear.

VESPER

Oh ferking hell, here we go again.

BOND
(Really on a roll now: here comes the Razzie)

I’ve been at this so long, I’ve lost sight of who to trust. Like Mathis - they need to keep on sweating him.

VESPER

Why?

BOND

His sweat distills really potent moonshine; useful sideline for M. Pity about Mathis; I thought he had my back.

VESPER

Did yurr want eem to ‘ave yurr back?

BOND

Yes

VESPER

Ferk. I keep misreading the ferking signals.

BOND

Not like that. I’m a man’s man.

VESPER

Not the mourst reassuring phrase.

BOND
(Stares out to sea again. This is called “acting”. Watch and learn, younglings)

Still, lesson learned. It was Mathis who told my tell, the telltolder, to Le Chiffre…

VESPER

Oo?

BOND

Le Chiffre. Big guy. Chin. Bit ker-razy. But really kewl.

VESPER

Oh, eem. Was that in this movie? Ferk.

(Pauses. Looks at BOND. He is not easy to miss)

Does evereewun ‘ave a tell?

BOND

Everyone. Except you. Maybe that’s why I love you.

VESPER

Neizer the reason nor zer sentence make any sense whatso-ing-ever; but I am truly believing you if it brings about the end of zis ing fillum any quicker.

BOND

Good. Now we’re over that hurdle, I will have to retire, and you can get a job, I dunno, waitress or whore seem to be the scriptwriter’s rather limited choices, and I can spend my pension on a speech therapist for you. And so it’s crunched gears yet again and it’s now one of those films where it’s the cop’s last case and he’s only hours from retirement. So what could pah-ssibly go wrong?

VESPER

I cannot readily ing imagine.

They embrace. VESPER licks BOND’s blowhole.

CUT TO: Really impressive sweeping shot, soaring music (is the theme from CHiPs, played out in full or I scratch the ing negative with the flick-knife I bought on my school exchange trip to Belgium in 1987).

QT commentary: Ohhhkay, now at this point we had this real ing debate, which I won - of ing course - and they gave me this medal saying Quentin is a massdebater, which is like coooool, and the debate was that the guys wanted to use Venice and I said no, loads of movies are set around Venice Beach and they said the real Venice and I said that was the real Venice and they said no the real Venice in Italand and I said that’s gonna be ed ‘cause no er’s gonna know where that is and they said have you ever been there and I said no because I only know things from movies and they said OK then have you ever seen Don’t Look Now and I said seen it? I ing wrote and directed it and they said sure and I said I did and they said yeah that’s like the time you said your dad had a helicopter and I said he does have a helicopter and it’s just in for repair a lot and they said yeah chinny reckon your dad’s in prison and I said don’t you ing go on about my chin you s and I am Quentin Tarantino and I can have you all shot but I won’t because I am showing you mercy and they said well have you seen Don’t Look Now and I said sure and they said that was Venice and I said it ing wasn’t because there weren’t any rollerbladers and no ing pier in it and they said where did you think it was and I said I thought it was ing Pittsburgh or somewhere and they said do you even have a passport and I said no. And anyway we didn’t have enough money left to film in any Venice wherever the they are so I said to the guys look just find me somewhere that’s got lots of canals and in fact it’ll be cooler than that if we find somewhere with more miles of canal than Venice so we ended up in…

CUT TO: Birmingham. Englandland. The camera swoops over the historical baroque wonders of the BT tower and the old Lewis’s building, before settling on VESPER and BOND’s canal boat chugging its way up the Grand Union Canal, past gleaming scrap yards and under a flyover. BOND sits on the roof of the boat, resting on one of those weird flowery kettles that seems to be part of the ing canal subculture, like chemical toilets and lethally faulty gas hobs. He is writing something on a pigeon, in marker pen.

CUT TO: Close-up on the wings of the pigeon. BOND’s writing says “I ing resign, I ing do”. BOND hurls the pigeon offscreen and looks up at VESPER, who smiles encouragingly as she steers around a shopping trolley and five bricked-down binbags of puppies.

CUT TO: The canal boat pootles through some allegedly gentrified warehouses which still look completely ing horrible. With BOND at the rudder thing, wind in the ing hair thrills, VESPER takes photos of the people at the canalside; knows why, probably collects photos of ugly people to remind herself how ing gorrrrrgeous she is. As they pass a charming native market - swig-faced locals examining bruised fruit and pirate DVDs of this movie that they hold up to the camera; how’s that for self-ing-referencing, ya ? - VESPER is shocked to espy GETTLER who must obviously be important even though I’ve no ing idea who he’s meant to be.

QT commentary: Played by James Bond III from The Red Hand Gang. How ing introanal is that? Kewl.

CUT TO: BOND and VESPER’s hotel suite. It’s not very nice. Birmingham, remember? They’re having sex. Urr. I don’t know how to write this bit and it’s making my willy go all squirty, so very rapidly we

CUT TO: BOND and VESPER’s hotel suite. Still pretty ing ghastly. Major ing world economy and it’s really ing horrible compared to the one in Montenegro. How’d that happen? I think I may be making a ing point, y’know? They are getting dressed, after sexy time.

QT commentary: I was going to have this then jump cut back and forth to the snogging but I decided against it and it was only when I found out that if I had done, it would have been completely ing stolen from Don’t Look Now, that I realise that I shoulda.

BOND

You’ve removed the pearl necklace.

VESPER

Well, it’s a hell of a stain to shift, yeah?

BOND

I need to go to the bank, and then we’ll go shopping - do you think they have shops here?

VESPER

Probably. Dunno. Didn’t pass any on the way een. We may have to exchange jeans urr sumtheeng. Anyway, I think it wuddd be better for me to grr to the bank and mai explanation for that assertion is nothing.

BOND

Convinced me. Don’t you think they’re going to miss us, whilst we’re on our lovely canal boat holiday? I am really looking forward to some nice real ales at the pubs we berth at.

VESPER

Sounds liake a ferkin scream.

(Leans out of window, grabs passing fulmar; proceeds to daub it with lipstick)

Back in one month. Byee. Ves.

(Throws fulmar out of window)

BOND

Don’t you have to fill in forms and get it authorised by your team leader?

VESPER

Nurr. Only if that was a genuine message.

(Pause)

Oops.

BOND

Hmm? Sorry, wasn’t listening. Was thinking about pearl necklaces.

VESPER

You doe that durling, and ah’ll be back shortly with one ‘undred and twenty meeelion dollars, promise, promise, cross mai heart and ‘ope to drown.

[Jim]

Chapter 22: Could this be the end? It feels like it. , I think I’ve left the iron on. Am now going to worry about that than pay attention to this. Which is probably just as well.

CUT TO: BOND at the hotel balcony, looking down on the bustling square in which there are literally tens of people. Forty people. Past him flies - and this is no more ing unlikely than any of the rest of this so it‘s too late to ing object now - a parrot. It perches on the dressing table and starts pecking at the UHT cartons. Just as BOND is about to approach the parrot, in flies a sorta dark-ish bird. BOND decides not to leap to any conclusions in assuming it is a crow - that would be racial prejudice, yeah? Thing I ing hate, that. BOND looks at the dark-feathered bird first - along its beak reads “Hello Vesper. Meet in thirty minutes, Gettler.” BOND is perturbed, largely at how much writing could be fitted onto such a small beak. He is about to sacrifice the bird with the complimentary stationery set when the parrot screeches into life. With the voice of M.

M THE PARROT

Hello! Hello! Bond! Bond!

QT commentary: Hey, cool, it’s like a reference to that Bond movie with the parrot. I dunno which one, they’re all the same except for my one - it’s the one with the guy in it, and that cool bit with the thing. You remember. You’d better ing remember.

BOND

Er…hello?

M THE PARROT

Who’s a pretty boy, then?

BOND

Even though you were contractually obliged to say that, it’s too kind.

CUT TO: Londinium. M is at her desk, also talking at a parrot. Look, ers, it’s Lee Majors in a ing dress, this whole ing movie is beyond ing rescue anyway, so just go wid it, yah?

M

Bond - Q branch which is not officially appearing in this film has worked out a way to solve the time delay on communication. Can you hear me?

BOND THE PARROT

Give us a kiss!

M
(Aside)

I knew it wouldn’t ing work

BOND THE PARROT

No, I meant it.

M

Well, later perhaps. Much ing later. Anyway, I got your pigeon. Landed in my ing Ricicles this morning. We’ll discuss that later. Much ing later. But probably not as much ing later as the much ing later that was the kissing much ing later. Anyway, there’s a lovely man out of shot who we can’t afford to cast and he’s from the Treasury and he wants to know when we’re getting the money to spend on acts of terrorism fighting for freedom.

CUT TO: Hotel suite, Birmingham. The terrible truth is dawning on BOND. He is in Birmingham.

BOND

I didn’t think you were going to miss it.

M THE PARROT
(Flapping wings excitedly, screeching - ing good Lee Majors impersonation)

Not ing miss it? $120 million dollars? That’s about eleven ing pence in 2006 prices, although I suspect that comment won’t stand the test of time. You could buy all of ing Birmingham for that, and still have change left over for Walsall. What did you think the ing money was?

BOND

Final salary pension scheme?

M THE PARROT

You ing know we ing run a ing stakeholder scheme with a ing guaranteed ing 7% contribution of basic ing pensionable ing salary.

BOND

Which would be about $120 million, given my suits and liposuction and the ability to stay in really plush hotel suites like… this one.

M THE PARROT

Look, just get the ing money, yeah?

BOND

Will do. And one more thing…

CUT TO: Londres

M

What?

BOND THE PARROT

Do you want it all in Pieces of Eight? Pieces of Eight?

M
(Picks up parrot and bites its ing head off)

Prick.

CUT TO: BOND “runs” through hotel lobby (film him from the belly up only, put him on ing wheels, make sure he doesn‘t do that weird arm pumping thing like he’s masturbating two prone hippos), packed with underwhelmed Japanese tourists not even bothering to photograph any of this ing slum. He has the parrot tucked under his arm. Pausing, he thinks of an idea and not even bothering to doubt the logic of any of this, and the fact that it could not conceivably work in any known ing universe, shouts into the parrot’s beak

BOND

I want Mr Mental!

Obviously this is completely normal ing behaviour.

CUT TO: MENTAL’s office. It is draped in lovely fabrics and MENTAL lies on a chaise longue being fed damp, plump grapes by a naked-from-the-waist-up-and-not-abundantly-unnaked-from-the-waist-down tobacconist. Suddenly! His beautiful, shimmering Bird of Paradise trills into life

BOND THE BIRD OF PARADISE

Is that Mr Mental?

MENTAL

Oh, James! Oh, I was awaiting your call! What pleasure can I give you?

BOND THE BIRD OF PARADISE

Where’s all my money?

MENTAL

Well, if you did invest it in the way you said you were going to, I’m afraid it’s all gone. Tell me, James, however can I make it up to you? Something’s coming into my head as I speak, but it’s so big I’m having trouble rolling it around my throat.

BOND THE BIRD OF PARADISE

Can it, faggy - just tell me this: is the money being extracted now?

MENTAL
(Sighs. In possibly quite a theatrical way. “Theatrical”. There’s a euphemism. Why should that be codeword for faggotry? There’s plenty of straight-talking non-gays in the theatre, like and , but that's about it.)

Yes, alright. You’re so demanding. Any more of this and you’ll get a firmly smacked bottom.

(Rolls eyes, rolls over, looks at computer screen thing that has numbers on it and could be saying any old )

Yes, your lovely plump load is being extracted now, from our International Bank of Gstaad in Birmingham.

CUT TO: BOND (with parrot) “running” through the “streets” of “Birmingham”, dodging the street theatre, international jetsetters and plentiful exotic street cafes that the city council insist on putting onscreen, as if that’s going to convince anyone.

BOND
(Slightly incredulous)

You have a branch in Birmingham?

MENTAL THE PARROT

Yes. Because Birmingham is an international destination for leisure and business and not just a huge traffic island with some mediocre shopping and a tree. Oh no, not that at all.

BOND

Thanks. You’ve been a great help.

MENTAL THE PARROT

Oh, James, one more thing before you go?

BOND

Uh-huh?

MENTAL THE PARROT

Give us a kiss! Give us a kiss!

BOND
(Smashes parrot’s head against wall)

Do off.

CUT TO: BOND arriving too late at the bank, and having to teararse around the bustling boulevards, full as they are of winos, dossers and Brummies the international super-rich, like Montenegro but even more ing splendid, yeah? Then! Ahead of him, at the same time as he does, we catch a glimpse of VESPER

QT commentary: Okay, okay, okay. ‘Kay. So, we didn’t go down the Don’t Look Now route and y’know, even though I was obviously ing right about that, ‘cause it’s me, a red dress would have made her stand out but then, y’know, my mind was made up when I realised that if we went full ing throttle on that, Uma would have to turn out to be a misshapen hideous troll and anyone who says that about my Uma gets their lungs ripped out, I in those lungs, and then I ram those lungs back in and watch them choke to death on my , which is in their lungs, their lungs having been the lungs that I have shat in. Still, I sorta compromised with the guys, in that what they suggested was a cool idea so it became mine. Therefore, it was my idea, my idea alone, to think about another movie in Venice where someone is chased about by a middle aged man and this is why we dressed Uma up in a sailor-boy outfit and she’s ing Death in Venice in Birmingham, y’know. And before you even ing think it is, the sight of a woman dressed as a boy being chased around town by a man old enough to be his… her… his? it, his grand pappy - this ain’t no weird and the reason it’s no weird is because I say it isn’t.

CUT TO: Various shots of TADZIO…VESPER disappearing down dark alleys. It is probably incredibly Freudian, or would be if “Freudian” meant “ing lazy sexual metaphor”. Eventually, we come to a building, which is surrounded by armed gooks who seem to have appeared from ing nowhere. BOND shuffles around, shooting most of them and taking them by surprise because they think he’s an old codger who’s lost his cat. Things pause in a courtyard where VESPER and GETTLER meet: BOND looks on.

VESPER
(Hands over briefcase. Handily, it looks waterproof)

Ah gut yew yer money

GETTLER
(Puzzled)

…nope. Something about guts?

BOND
(Aiming to fire)

Let me show you hers!

CUT TO: Excitement! Well, it had to ing happen eventually. GETTLER and VESPER run off and BOND and his STUNTMEN run about and do shooting and . Woo, ing ‘splosions, man. BOND kills every last mother[censored]er in the soundstage and then chases GETTLER and VESPER into a early-sixties council tower-block by the piss-brimful canal. BOND wrenches open the front door, and half the ing building starts falling down. This is a very likely contingency in Birmingham.

CUT TO: All manner of going off inside the building.VESPER is locked in the elevator. It is knee-deep in stagnant brown water although it is still several feet above the surface of the canal. Rats and . Literally. . Bienve-ing-nue en Angleterre, mother[censored]ers. BOND glares at her.

VESPER

Ah’m sawrie, Chems.

BOND

…sorry?

VESPER

No, ah am the one who sez sorreh.

BOND

…sorry?

VESPER

This cudd go on all night.

BOND

It already ing has.

Suddenly! Gunfire etc and BOND and his STUNTMEN about, gunning people down and the building eventually starts toppling into the water. Nailguns and really cool happens, and GETTLER drops the suitcase of money into the canal where, pretty ing incredibly unlikely though this is, it does not immediately corrode. Eventually, everyone else except VESPER dead/drowned/dissolved, BOND and GETTLER come to blows and it’s really cool, especially when on the first looks-like-slow-motion-but-is-actually-real-time-because-he’s-old-have-you-got-that-really-subtle-point-yet punch from BOND, up strikes the theme to Fraggle Rock, which continues until BOND smashes GETTLER so hard in the mouth that his first bursts through the back of GETTLER’s skull. It looks ing amazing. The music scratches to a halt immediately.

BOND

All he needed was a damned good fisting.

CUT TO: The elevator plunging into the canal. BOND dives from a great height after it, which in real-life terms is probably not a particularly ing smart idea as it’s only four foot ing down to the bottom. However, it, I’ll nick this bit from Trainspotting so as soon as BOND dives in, we’re in beautifully lit, many fathoms deep, tropical paradise. It’s a metaphor for something, some cool or other.

QT commentary: This took about a ing month to film, but Pierce was so ing cool about it, because he’s a pro and because every day he could just swim about ingesting three times his bodyweight in krill.

CUT TO: BOND struggling with the elevator door but - and this is really ing mournful but I want it ing meaningful and moral (sp?) so play that line from Baretta over-and-over, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime, so bitch you shouldn’t have gone and done the crime, yeah, that’s the idea here, just in case you need some ing help with some of my ing deeper ideas. Deeper - hey, I done a joke.

VESPER

Bllugg glugg glugg glugg blugg

BOND
(Desperate, having understood every word she’s just said. Finally, they communicate. , this is really powerful , by me)

Blugg glugg!

VESPER
(Takes in ing big mouthfuls of water: this is why it is not filmed in a canal in Digbeth, y’knaa?)

Blugggggg…..ggggg…..

BOND

Gluggggg……

(Reaches out and touches her toe. It’s a beautiful ing moment. I directed this real good. By me.)

CUT TO: A lickle bick later. BOND breaks the surface of the canal, and drags VESPER to a floating bit of rubble (which would be there whether or not the tower block had just fallen over). He tries to revive her by giving her the kiss of life - has to spit out a few turds and Crunchie wrappers now and again - and we watch as he pumps her (not that way…although it’s a ing lost opportunity, frankly) and - voy-ing-eur alert - so does MR WHITE. Finally, BOND breaks down and it’s really horrible to watch.

QT commentary: , that’s really horrible to watch. Still, some people liked him as Bond so whatcanyerdo?

CUT TO: MR WHITE picking up the suitcase which has amazing floating money in it, and walks off into the sequel.

The film has ended.

Chapter 23: Oh no it ing hasn’t.

CUT TO: BOND sits on the canal boat, going through VESPER’s things, sniffing a few. He distracted by a parrot skidding to a halt. It starts speaking.

THE RETURN OF M THE PARROT

She had a boyfriend with whom she was very much in love.

BOND

This really isn’t ing helping how I feel, y’know.

THE RETURN OF M THE PARROT

He was kidnapped by the organisation behind Le Chiffre and held to ransom.

BOND

OK, so something like a month into this ing film and only you find this out now? Couldn’t you have told me this, like, earlier, dude?

THE RETURN OF M THE PARROT

Sometimes we’re spending so much time looking at our enemies that we forget to look at our friends.

BOND

That’s a really ing poor excuse. Don’t you have, like, some sort of HR department, asking for references, CRB screening, that sort of ? Am really thinking of taking you to a tribunal; I'm serious.

THE RETURN OF M THE PARROT

Still, you’ve learned your lesson.

BOND

You really haven’t answered any of my ing points y’know, and what’s this about a ing lesson? This was some sort of ing test? This is like ing formative feedback? OK, next time - more much of multiple choice questions, yeah? Less much of the smashed up bollocks and dead hos.

CUT TO: LunnDunn. M is at her desk, painting her toenails. It really isn’t the ing same. Not even with PHAGGE blowing the varnish dry.

M

We need you back.

BOND THE PARROT PART DEUX

Oh, I don’t think so, bitch. I resigned already and this tough-love negotiating ain’t doing my mojo any good at all.

CUT TO: The canal boat. BOND looks through more of VESPER’s personal belongings, drinks her perfume: surprisingly ing tasty.

THE RETURN OF M THE PARROT

Give it some time

BOND

Ain’t got a whole host of that; old er, yeah? Shoulda retired years ago. This, my bitch-tastic bitcheroo, is it. Slam (hits parrot‘s head against deck) dunk (hit) mother (hit) ing (hit) over (hit).

(Wrenches parrot inside out and smears his face with its innards)

CUT TO: Lahndan

M

He gets so like this when he’s overtired. Bless. Someone's being a Mr Grumpypants.

CUT TO: Canal boat. BOND throws all VESPER’s overboard and, in a real Dirty Harry High Noon style ing thing, tosses after it a small plastic card.

CUT TO: Under “Water” - we follow the card as it sinks, past some weird grey sludge and some bodies and kittens and . Zoom in on it as it comes to rest next to Jimmy ing Hoffa and we can see, printed on it

JAMES FRECKLE BOND

LICENCE TO:
DRIVE A TRACTOR
KILL
BREED LABRADOODLES

CUT TO: Bummingham. BOND sails the canal boat into retirement, and into an industrial sunset. It’s sort of weirdly ing beautiful, in a carcinogenic way. His hair and nipples ripple in the breeze and

The film is ing over.

Chapter 24. Nope. I'm sure there's some law against this.

CUT TO. A bird lands on the canal boat and skids along, sending the kettle thing ing flying. BOND picks it up. CRAPARAMA - it looks like a crow! And it has a message from VESPER. She was an evil bitch after all! BOND does squinty-eye here. But - hang on a gosh-darned ing minuet of a minute! That’s not a N-word bird at all - BOND blows loads of dust off it - the poor er has just flown through Birmingham, give it a bit of ing credit. It really was a ing dove after all, all pure and white and virginal, not that this sounds very much more like VESPER, in truth. There is a message pinned into its eye.

VESPER
(Voice over)

If yerr wunt Mistuh Waite…

BOND
(Looking around)

…hello?

VESPER

…try fivefivefiveblinkyblonkyblink

(Voice eauver… is over)

BOND
(Hurls dove aside, like he would have done to VESPER after a couple of years and you damn well ing know it)

Even though I have no idea who Mr White is, perhaps it is time for one last job…

(A rueful smile passes his lips; could be a belch)

CUT TO: Big ing palazzo on the shores of Lake… I dunno. Find me a ing Lake. Veronica Lake, that’ll ing do. Ricki Lake, but only if we ing have to.

CUT TO: MR WHITE rolls up in his JagWarr. See the ing connection? LECHIFFRE, he had a JagWarr too. Yeah? Is ing clever, this. He steps out and breathes in the lovely air. He is carrying the suitcase full of money. Oh, crime does pay. Or does it, mother[censored]er? He walks over the neatly ing combed gravel and spies a wounded guillemot. Because he’s not all bad - hey this is a ing realistic Bond moovie, yeah, with its documentary-style depiction of Eastern Yurpeen life and all that ing completely-hammered-into-the-ing-ground-ego crap. He picks up the guillemot.

MR WHITE

Why, hi there, l’il fella. Now, don’t you worry about anything: uncle Keith’s here now.

QT commentary: There’s something really ing sinister about the name Keith White. ing brr, man, ing brr.

MR WHITE

But what’s this? Hang on…

(Turns bird over. Tattooed onto its belly is the message…)

BOND
(Voice over)

Mr White? You and I need a little ing chat like right now, er.

QT commentary: Stunt voice there for Pierce, supplied by me, ‘cause I haven’t been in this anywhwere like near enough, so spin on that, ers.

MR WHITE
(Looking around)

…hello? Is there someone there?

Suddenly! MR WHITE’s kneecaps explode and he’s taken off at the ing knees and falls stumpily to the ground. Gets a faceful of gravel - ouch. And now, this is where is all kicks off. Hordes of mad goons suddenly swarm from the palazzo like them maggots from the roast chicken I left out that time. On cue, starts the theme tune to Perfect Strangers, which is sorta like a big in-a to Brosnan Pinchot or whetever the his name is, who at gunpoint and in ing hil-ing-arious character was Uma’s dialogue coach for this moovie, and he did such a ing great job that I’ve thanked him for it, what more does he want, the er?

CUT TO: BOND appears, machine-gunning gooks with the biggest off semi-automatic rifle cannon you evah did see, I do declare. Spewy blood and guts and head-spinning and ing limbslimbslimbs, it’s ing a-mazing. And, right on the ing cue of the line “Standing Tall, On The Wings Of My Dreams”, he ing blasts the suitcase and all the money explodes into the air.

QT commentary:… like it’s The Killing, all my films are like The ing Killing so this was bound to ing happen and it’s with real dollars and there’s a hundred and twenty million worth and we needed nine takes so this is literally a billion dollar shot you’re seeing now as Bond, slowy - mowey, strides through the cloud of blood-soaked money - in a really important ing metaphor, that, ’cause I’m really clever and you’re all really ing dumb - and he’s just cutting his way through all of them and he ain’t getting a scratch ‘cause he’s JAMES ING BOND and you‘re ing not. This sequence lasts until the song plays through, there we go, how ing ironic is that because they were perfect ing strangers and it is unbelievably cool and I just want to lick the ing screen.

MR WHITE
(Chewing his way up through a mound of dead bastards, then crawling up steps, looks up as we see BOND’s feet come into shot. Actually, Pierce’s feet ain’t too bad. For a guy. That ain’t faggy. Just ain’t)

What…what do you want?

BOND
(Brandishing enormo-ing cutlass)

Me wanna scalp Whitey.

MR WHITE

Isn’t that, y’know, a bit racist? Yeah?

BOND

(Lops off top of MR WHITE’s skull)

No

MR WHITE

(Slo-Mo falling, Harv does this so ing great)

Who…who are you…?

BOND throws his big -off weapons to one side, and draws his Walther PPK. It's a big ing iconic cool moment, this, be-cos it ing is. He stands alone, all alone, in the middle of the ing carnage, in the middle of yet another really ing contrived metaphor.

BOND

The name’s Bond.

James ing Bond.

BOND rams the muzzle of the PPK into the wet, pink brain so hard that bits splatter the screen, Like, cool.

BOND

And you is one dead bitch now.

BLAM!

(Screen black. A cretin goes “Yeah!” There's some twatclappage)

[Jim]

Epilogue: Quantum of Solace.

CUT TO: A Japanese water garden, highly stylised and over-saturated in colour and evidently soundstage-bound. It is filmed with old-fashioned 70s back-projection and from time to time the image is scratched, blurred and jumps. This is ING ART. In the foreground, on a polystyrene rock, sits a naked man playing a long wooden flute. In the wrong hands, this could be really ing poor. It is in the wrong hands. The tune eventually turns out to be The James Bond Theme, albeit it’s wearing a pretty heavy ing disguise. The man is serene, has nice hair like, I dunno, a really pleasant pony, and the body of a god. Buddha. This is THE ACTOR PIERCE BROSNAN. The camera slowly dollies up to him.

THE ACTOR PIERCE BROSNAN
(Putting aside flute, smiling, or the nearest to it)

Hi.

(Picks up flute, blows a few random notes. Puts it down again. , it’s really annoying)

I’m The Actor Pierce Bronson. You may remember me from such roles as Man What Gets Fruit Thrown At His Head in Mrs Doubtfoire, and Third Billing Behind Jeff Fahey And Some Really Shoddy Effects in The Lawnmower Man…

EXTREME AND SUDDEN CLOSE UP evidently filmed on a different day and with some different teeth

THE ACTOR PIERCE BROSNAN

…but NOT Lawnmower Man II! Grr! (Shakes fist, pulls “angry” face; all very poorly lip-synched) you, Patrick Bergin! You ruined my legacy! Grr!

SUDDEN JUMP CUT back to “serene”

THE ACTOR PIERCE BROSNAN

…and, of course, the film you’ve just watched, Quentin Tarantino’s Casino Royale.

(Picks up flute, tries his best at playing the theme tune, gives up)

Written and directed by, and starring, Mr Quentin Tarantino, with the unavoidable interference of some other s. Do I have to say this?

(Is poked in the face with a camera tripod: is like Peeping Tom and therefore ing cool)

OK, OK. So…

(Does a bit more flute, meets with no greater success)

…what can we learn, young grasshoppers, from this morality play? Is it that violence solves nothing? Well…

(Flutey-time. Time frankly wasted)

…no; obviously it ing isn’t. Weren’t you watching, dip[censored]s? Yeah, OK, maybe the cards bit sent you to sleep, can ing understand that, but James Bond won the movie, through violence. Violence is coool. And all the money he won we’re going to spend on ing missiles to blow a load of gooks up, so he fought for your freedom, don’t you ing ever forget it.

(Pee-Bee go Flue-Flue)

But what now, I wonder, what does the future hold for our Mr Bond? Who can tell?

(A, D, D, E, C-sharp, A. D.)

Well, me for a ing start. Obviously, this man Bond, this man whose layers I have peeled back through my acting for I am The Actor Pierce Brosnan, this James Bond is now on a journey, the journey we must all take, to find ourselves and some such other cheapo mystic TV epilogue . Will James Bond find happiness? Will there be some solace for him? And how much solace will there be? What will be the amount of solace, the measure of it? What will be his quantum of solace; you catch where I’m going with this? You don’t?

(Plays a long, mournful note. “Needs work”. Bit like Pierce Brosnan, b-bm tish!)

ing hippies.

(Plays the theme tune to Bod. It is very poor.)

And where now for me? Well, each man’s time comes. Man’s gotta know his limits. My James Bond has retired. That was largely the ing plot. Stay awake, wit. But James Bond will return. When they make the next one, it’ll be about a new agent taking on the codename and getting into all manner of hil-ar-i[censored]ing-ous scrapes because of it.

(Long, shrill blast on flute. You‘re not seriously expecting that to be well-received, are you?)

You think that sounds ed? Well, perhaps it does, my youngling - but at least it provides a shred of continuity and it’s better than starting again with half the same ing cast as this film but with absolutely no ing explanation at all.

Ta-ta and, hey…(winks)…save the whales.

CUT TO: Blackout

CUT TO: End credits. They play out over a scene in which all the actors - and broom - in the movie roller-boogie in sequinned hotpants around a glitterballed set to the theme to Ski Sunday, until they collapse in a heap of writhing flesh and bodily secretions, and splinters in some very ing uncomfortable places.

QT commentary: OK, so that’s the end of that, and I’d like to thank… me, mainly. No, wait a minute - ing completely. Well done me. I shall now proceed to autofellatio, thanks and scratch ya later, ers! This is QT saying - off!

CAST

Le Chiffre

Quentin Tarantino the First

Vesper Bint

Uuuuma

James Bahnd

Fatty Brosnan

Felix Leiter as played by a broom with half a tennis ball stapled to it

A broom with half a tennis ball stapled to it

M

Lee Majors

Zoltar

Himself

The other ers

Ah, some losers - who gives a , really?

Written by Quentin Tarantino
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
Dreamt up by Quentin Tarantino
DVD commentary by Quentin Tarantino
Persuaded into unnatural acts by Quentin Tarantino
Taken on holiday despite its parents’ concerns by Quentin Tarantino
Coaxed out of retirement by Quentin Tarantino
Pushed around in a pram by Quentin Tarantino
Kissed, longingly, by Quentin Tarantino
Sold into slavery by Quentin Tarantino
Seduced in a wire-wheeled sports car by Quentin Tarantino
Plied with cheap drink and Rohypnol by Quentin Tarantino
Blackmailed by Quentin Tarantino
All the cool bits by Quentin Tarantino
Based on the novel by Quentin Tarantino
The planet Earth is brought to you by Quentin Tarantino
Quentin Tarantino based on an idea by Quentin Tarantino
Hats by Colin Montgomerie

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN
QUANTUM OF SOLACE
DIRECTED BY LARS VON TRIER

CUT TO: Secret follow-up scene for those with big bladders / no ing social life

I, QUENTIN TARANTINO, walk into shot on the water garden set, wrench the flute off THE ACTOR PIERCE BROSNAN and spend five minutes beating him to death with it. In one take. To the tune of, ah, I don’t give a crap any more; d'you think I enjoy this ?

Fin.

[RufusCobb]

Jim ...

1) What were you smoking when you wrote that?

2) Where can I get some?

I'm a new member of the site so have only just seen it for the first time. (3 July 09)

Seriously Jim, I'd been drinking when I read that and I laughed so hard I nearly threw up.

Keep up the good work.

Edited by RufusCobb, 03 July 2009 - 10:48 PM.

[Jim]

Jim ...

1) What were you smoking when you wrote that?

2) Where can I get some?

Keep up the good work.

1. Cress. It has mildly hallucinogenic properties* and comes in really tasty mustardy flavour.

2. Readily available.

I'm afraid the "good" work is done - no more material to mock. Welcome to CBn, by the way. I'm sure that I have plenty more rubbishy work up my sleeve, although it's probably best kept there.

*this is untrue. As far as I know. Don't try it at home, kids.