Discuss volante's 'Edge Of Treason' here.
Edge Of Treason - Discussion
Started by
Qwerty
, May 02 2008 03:15 AM
54 replies to this topic
#1
Qwerty
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Posted 02 May 2008 - 03:15 AM
#2
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Posted 12 June 2009 - 02:50 AM
Hi Volante!
It's Chris here, your old nemesis! lol
You may not recall me Paul, but I read your story Silhouettes and Shadows on AJB some time ago and promised I would look up your previous and future stories. It's taken me a while, but I just read Edge of Treason and want to offer you my tuppence worth.
Was this your first effort at writing James Bond? Because all in all, it was pretty good stuff. Once again the descriptive action scenes are really good. I can’t fault much of these. A high light was the parachute jump to the Tattoo, which really had me thinking of that halo drop in TND. I started to feel vertigous just reading it. I also thought the helicopter pursuit was well described and I enjoyed its tunnel destruction. In general the action scenes are the saving grace of a story which I found quite hard to follow.
Firstly, I really didn’t understand or care too much about the Princess Diana-Dodi Fayed angle, which was something of a red herring, both for Bond and for the reader. Secondly I struggled to understand what the prime motivation was for Kane. Was he a drug lord, an energy baron, a land grabber or a weapons manufacturer? And although you tied all those ends together, I started to get lost regarding which bit of the scheme was most important. Indeed, I’m not even sure the land mine issue got mentioned towards the end and initially I thought this was the main focus of Kane’s operation; it switched half way to gas and oil rights.
Secondly, you suffered "Eon-itis" in developing too many characters, especially villians. Kane, Rashid, Hawthorn, Morientes, Nightshade, H, Buddy, Zaritsky, Babone - were there more? And on the other side you gave us Tanner, Ffordes, M, Mathis, Leiter, Cameron Shah and Olivia Kohler, the latter of which was a very good invention, but one who is relegated to a sick bed in a hospital for the finale. I won’t count all the odds and sods of other people you mentioned.
I really struggled with some of the constant killing and blowing up of things. I like action as much as the next man, but there was a tendency here to have every chapter feature Bond entering a building or meeting someone and then fighting them to the death or shooting them or blowing them up after a car chase. It really got repetitive and I felt the plot was being used merely as an excuse to build in these (in all fair honesty) well written action scenes. The worst offence, for me was Bond’s visit to Red Frog villa where he robs the safe; it just felt so unnecessary.
I had a feeling as I read the tale, that you utilised some inside knowledge of the soon to be released QOS as your plot had several parallels to Bond 22. Your locations included Siena, Bolivia and the Opera at Bregenz, you even dropped in a mention of Port au Prince. Some of your characters seemed to have uncanny resemblances to those that appeared on screen: a red head, a novice MI6 agent, Mathis, Leiter, Bolivian generals, a crazy industrialist, even your heroine shared the initials of the lead actress: O & K. You also (amazing research here) replicated some scenes from the film including car chases in tunnels, boat chases, torture of Mr White, a chase in Siena, the Palio, a visit to the Opera, a last ditch parachute jump, a fight on collapsing scaffolding, M follows Bond to his hotel room and you even have a coda between 007 and M discussing his personal vendetta. I also detected references to other Bond novels and films. A few examples are: opening the safe from MR, a ski chase similar to OHMSS, horse racing from AVTAK, drug running around the Caribbean from LTK, a fight and chase in a hospital from DAD. There were more. You even (oh the shame!) quoted GF, although in fairness, you did give good reason and the destruction of the helicopter took me by surprise!
Lastly, Paul, I can see you are a well read man, and I can’t fault your research, but I really disliked the travelogue / catalogue style of description you use here when talking about places and things and happenings, which was particularly galling when coupled with some of the very simplest of descriptive sentences. I would read lines like “the 1.8 litre supercharged engine” or “two rear mounted Rolls Royce Deutschland BR710-A220 turbo fanned engines each delivering 14470 pounds of thrust” (oh stop please!) Some of your locations read like a brochure, the worst offender being your take on the Jungfraubahn. While I don’t doubt the accuracy, it wouldn’t take much to write something like “Bond remembered the Jungfraubahn, Europe’s highest altitude railway station; he always likened it to a cogwheel...” This involves the reader in Bond’s thoughts, which surely should be central to the story telling. You always score when writing the action stuff, but these brilliantly written sections are sometimes let down by “Bond shot him through the heart” or “the gun fired once.”
I sound like I’m ripping this to shreds, but most of it was quite enjoyable. I loved the scenes you created in Austria, which felt the most like the 007 I know and love. He trails his enemy across the Alps, observes him at the Opera and infiltrates his lair. When Bond is found out, you wrote a brilliant scene in Kane’s chateau, where 007 received his ultimatum. But having done so well in constructing this, and the love story, you then sent Bond on a sort of “rescue mission” to Panama, which initially confused me all ends up. I had to re-read that whole section again.
I enjoyed the opening chapter with its gruesome torture and the early scenes with Rashid had a real sense of the exotic to them. This again was real James Bond territory: cultured villains unphased by 007’s appearance and living in expensive surroundings. They were real Thunderball moments for me. And the ravishing Leoni...what can I say, a gorgeous character. Incidentally, I thought Bond had sex with her (that was lunch, right?) but later on you state he hadn’t made love since Vesper died.
Indeed the early parts of the novel are by far the best bits. You seem to lose your way towards the end, tending to offer shorter and shorter scenes to explain the narrative instead of retaining your bravery and sticking to Bond’s point of view, which you do really well at the start. You tell a pretty good tale and you have a nice line in humour. Your little “deceits” in the action always kept my eyebrows raising (e.g. the death of Kane, the re-appearance of Olivia, Bond’s final disposal of H). I just felt I was wading through not so much a James Bond thriller as a Schwarzenegger movie script. It doesn’t hurt to cut back on action and consider the flavour of your work, its setting and the characters motivation. After the first third, I just didn’t get a good feeling for much of either and as your plot took longer to unravel, sadly, I even lost interest in that.
I'm going to read To Kill and Die For soon, and I see you have already planned something called Bombshell, so your are definately prolific. I'll give you some feedback. Incidently, I've completed a 5 story collection for AJB called The Blink of an Eye, but their fiction section is being re-vamped at the moment. Gives me time to work on the covers tho'.
All the best,
Chris
It's Chris here, your old nemesis! lol
You may not recall me Paul, but I read your story Silhouettes and Shadows on AJB some time ago and promised I would look up your previous and future stories. It's taken me a while, but I just read Edge of Treason and want to offer you my tuppence worth.
Was this your first effort at writing James Bond? Because all in all, it was pretty good stuff. Once again the descriptive action scenes are really good. I can’t fault much of these. A high light was the parachute jump to the Tattoo, which really had me thinking of that halo drop in TND. I started to feel vertigous just reading it. I also thought the helicopter pursuit was well described and I enjoyed its tunnel destruction. In general the action scenes are the saving grace of a story which I found quite hard to follow.
Firstly, I really didn’t understand or care too much about the Princess Diana-Dodi Fayed angle, which was something of a red herring, both for Bond and for the reader. Secondly I struggled to understand what the prime motivation was for Kane. Was he a drug lord, an energy baron, a land grabber or a weapons manufacturer? And although you tied all those ends together, I started to get lost regarding which bit of the scheme was most important. Indeed, I’m not even sure the land mine issue got mentioned towards the end and initially I thought this was the main focus of Kane’s operation; it switched half way to gas and oil rights.
Secondly, you suffered "Eon-itis" in developing too many characters, especially villians. Kane, Rashid, Hawthorn, Morientes, Nightshade, H, Buddy, Zaritsky, Babone - were there more? And on the other side you gave us Tanner, Ffordes, M, Mathis, Leiter, Cameron Shah and Olivia Kohler, the latter of which was a very good invention, but one who is relegated to a sick bed in a hospital for the finale. I won’t count all the odds and sods of other people you mentioned.
I really struggled with some of the constant killing and blowing up of things. I like action as much as the next man, but there was a tendency here to have every chapter feature Bond entering a building or meeting someone and then fighting them to the death or shooting them or blowing them up after a car chase. It really got repetitive and I felt the plot was being used merely as an excuse to build in these (in all fair honesty) well written action scenes. The worst offence, for me was Bond’s visit to Red Frog villa where he robs the safe; it just felt so unnecessary.
I had a feeling as I read the tale, that you utilised some inside knowledge of the soon to be released QOS as your plot had several parallels to Bond 22. Your locations included Siena, Bolivia and the Opera at Bregenz, you even dropped in a mention of Port au Prince. Some of your characters seemed to have uncanny resemblances to those that appeared on screen: a red head, a novice MI6 agent, Mathis, Leiter, Bolivian generals, a crazy industrialist, even your heroine shared the initials of the lead actress: O & K. You also (amazing research here) replicated some scenes from the film including car chases in tunnels, boat chases, torture of Mr White, a chase in Siena, the Palio, a visit to the Opera, a last ditch parachute jump, a fight on collapsing scaffolding, M follows Bond to his hotel room and you even have a coda between 007 and M discussing his personal vendetta. I also detected references to other Bond novels and films. A few examples are: opening the safe from MR, a ski chase similar to OHMSS, horse racing from AVTAK, drug running around the Caribbean from LTK, a fight and chase in a hospital from DAD. There were more. You even (oh the shame!) quoted GF, although in fairness, you did give good reason and the destruction of the helicopter took me by surprise!
Lastly, Paul, I can see you are a well read man, and I can’t fault your research, but I really disliked the travelogue / catalogue style of description you use here when talking about places and things and happenings, which was particularly galling when coupled with some of the very simplest of descriptive sentences. I would read lines like “the 1.8 litre supercharged engine” or “two rear mounted Rolls Royce Deutschland BR710-A220 turbo fanned engines each delivering 14470 pounds of thrust” (oh stop please!) Some of your locations read like a brochure, the worst offender being your take on the Jungfraubahn. While I don’t doubt the accuracy, it wouldn’t take much to write something like “Bond remembered the Jungfraubahn, Europe’s highest altitude railway station; he always likened it to a cogwheel...” This involves the reader in Bond’s thoughts, which surely should be central to the story telling. You always score when writing the action stuff, but these brilliantly written sections are sometimes let down by “Bond shot him through the heart” or “the gun fired once.”
I sound like I’m ripping this to shreds, but most of it was quite enjoyable. I loved the scenes you created in Austria, which felt the most like the 007 I know and love. He trails his enemy across the Alps, observes him at the Opera and infiltrates his lair. When Bond is found out, you wrote a brilliant scene in Kane’s chateau, where 007 received his ultimatum. But having done so well in constructing this, and the love story, you then sent Bond on a sort of “rescue mission” to Panama, which initially confused me all ends up. I had to re-read that whole section again.
I enjoyed the opening chapter with its gruesome torture and the early scenes with Rashid had a real sense of the exotic to them. This again was real James Bond territory: cultured villains unphased by 007’s appearance and living in expensive surroundings. They were real Thunderball moments for me. And the ravishing Leoni...what can I say, a gorgeous character. Incidentally, I thought Bond had sex with her (that was lunch, right?) but later on you state he hadn’t made love since Vesper died.
Indeed the early parts of the novel are by far the best bits. You seem to lose your way towards the end, tending to offer shorter and shorter scenes to explain the narrative instead of retaining your bravery and sticking to Bond’s point of view, which you do really well at the start. You tell a pretty good tale and you have a nice line in humour. Your little “deceits” in the action always kept my eyebrows raising (e.g. the death of Kane, the re-appearance of Olivia, Bond’s final disposal of H). I just felt I was wading through not so much a James Bond thriller as a Schwarzenegger movie script. It doesn’t hurt to cut back on action and consider the flavour of your work, its setting and the characters motivation. After the first third, I just didn’t get a good feeling for much of either and as your plot took longer to unravel, sadly, I even lost interest in that.
I'm going to read To Kill and Die For soon, and I see you have already planned something called Bombshell, so your are definately prolific. I'll give you some feedback. Incidently, I've completed a 5 story collection for AJB called The Blink of an Eye, but their fiction section is being re-vamped at the moment. Gives me time to work on the covers tho'.
All the best,
Chris
#3
volante
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Posted 15 June 2009 - 01:21 PM
Wow, that's some review.
How to answer?
First of all thanks for going to the trouble of reading and reviewing the story.
Yes, Edge of Treason was my first attempt at Fan Fiction.
I'm glad you liked the bits that you did.
Yes it is an alternative to QOS. The information revealed before shooting began was asimulated and used to provide the background for the story.
I hope you enjoy To Kill and Die For.
How to answer?
First of all thanks for going to the trouble of reading and reviewing the story.
Yes, Edge of Treason was my first attempt at Fan Fiction.
I'm glad you liked the bits that you did.
Yes it is an alternative to QOS. The information revealed before shooting began was asimulated and used to provide the background for the story.
I hope you enjoy To Kill and Die For.
#4
volante
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Posted 24 May 2013 - 09:25 AM
Wow, that's some review.
How to answer?
First of all thanks for going to the trouble of reading and reviewing the story.
Yes, Edge of Treason was my first attempt at Fan Fiction.
I'm glad you liked the bits that you did.
Yes it is an alternative to QOS. The information revealed before shooting began was asimulated and used to provide the background for the story.
I hope you enjoy To Kill and Die For.
A big thanks to Chris, who guided me to the only soft copy I have of my original Bond fan fiction.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing; and now I have the opportunity to put right some of the school boy errors.
I'm toying with updating the story. It will still be set at the time after the film Casino Royale and will offer an alternative to the film Quantumof Solace.
Edge of Treason will follow the newly promoted 007 as he discovers the Quantum organisation.
If anyone has gone to the trouble to read Chrisno 1's review of the original story (as I just have) I will be addressing some elements.
Please therefore have a little patiance.
In the interim before NEVER THE DEATH get ready for a re vamped EDGE OF TREASON
#5
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#6
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Posted 25 May 2013 - 11:29 AM
First submission 'The prologue' in for approval
#7
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#8
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Posted 25 May 2013 - 04:12 PM
Oh my.
That's completely different how I remember it. [Edited entry]
I see I posted a review of Edge of Treason back in 2009 - I'd forgotten that - it was interesting to re-read my thoughts. I revisited Edge of Treason last year in the run up to Decree Absolute (I have access to a lot of archived Fan Fiction from another website). One of its selling points back in '09 was that the piece largely based itself around QOS, even starting, like that movie, from the climax of CR. [Deleted entry]
As the story progressed and other elements were weaved into the plot, I found the novel less incisive, but always interesting. Some of the action is superb, but I thought the plot meandered. [Deleted entry]
Edited by chrisno1, 26 May 2013 - 11:00 PM.
#9
volante
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Posted 26 May 2013 - 01:53 PM
Chapter one in for submission.
Chris it's exactly the same (except for the punctuation)
#10
chrisno1
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Posted 26 May 2013 - 02:20 PM
I stand corrected
Sorry about that.
I have a host of stuff saved on my lap top. I just checked my copy of Edge of Treason and I don't have the prologue saved. I see now that isn't correct.
Sorry about that. Bit miffed with myself, makes me feel a bit of a chump. And makes me wonder why I don't have the prologue saved....
Edited by chrisno1, 26 May 2013 - 11:00 PM.
#11
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Posted 26 May 2013 - 03:05 PM
Go to the edge in a little while...
Edited by Dustin, 26 May 2013 - 06:28 PM.
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#13
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Posted 28 May 2013 - 04:07 PM
Chapter Two
In for submission.
Where Bond has a different escape from Mister White's villa.
#14
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#15
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Posted 30 May 2013 - 03:05 PM
Chapter Three
Introduction of the henchman!
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#17
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Posted 02 June 2013 - 03:44 PM
Chapter 4
in for submission.
Bond meets Camille
#18
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#20
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Posted 13 June 2013 - 07:10 AM
From Chapter 5
Bond and Leoni went outside. There were already five swimwear model girls sunbathing around the pool. Their bikinis left little to the imagination. Leoni spoke to them and in unison they all stood up gathered their robes and began to leave.
Leoni gestured back toward Bond, and the girls looked approvingly.
Leoni ran her hand under the bra strap of one of the girls, she giggled provocatively then begrudgingly they sauntered inside waving at Bond as they brushed passed him.
“Don’t leave on my account” he watched them all parade past.
Bond removed his jacket and settled down on a sun lounger, he watched the girl in front of him.
“Will you be joining us for the race Miss Leoni? He asked
“I shouldn’t think so” she unzipped her long riding boots then stood up and removed the thin cotton blouse, her delicate skin seemed almost translucent in the fierce sunlight, her veins seductively showing pale blue. She wiggled out of the jodhpurs.
Bond looked on admiringly
“I suppose that means I won’t have the pleasure of you at dinner tonight either?”
Then she was naked, she walked delicately to the side of the pool and from over her shoulder said
“No, but I hope I’ll still be full from our lunch” she dived effortlessly into the cool blue waters of the swimming pool and swam the width underwater.
She made a professional turn which presented her buttocks to him. Leoni made it half way back before returning to the surface. She shook her hair free and said
“Come and join me Mister Bond, lunch is served”
#21
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Posted 28 June 2013 - 12:10 PM
Chapter 6 now on line.
Bond pursues a suspect (the conclusion is very Skyfallish) however mine was written 5 years ago
#22
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Posted 06 July 2013 - 11:23 AM
Extract from Chapter 7
EDGE OF TREASON - an alternative time line to Quantum of Solice
Camille stood up and walked seductively over to greet him. Her hair was now swept back in a tight pony-tail.
She pulled the band from her hair, it's volume cascaded spectacularly.
She was wearing a white silk blouse and short black leather skirt, which allowed his imagination to start working overtime.
“No hard feelings I hope?”
Bond looked at her suspiciously
“I didn’t realize you took a late car return so seriously”
She held up her identity card flashing her photograph at him. Bond noted her hair was shorter and darker in the photo, the card confirmed her name and rank.
#23
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Posted 11 July 2013 - 11:19 AM
Edge of Treason
I first discovered Fan Fiction in 2007.
Desperate for information on the up and coming Quantum of Solace I scrolled through the internet for snipets of the story.
At the same time I discovered a number of Fan Fiction 007 stories tucked away in the forums.
I decided to jot down my thoughts. I linked it with the QOS info that was being leaked and came up with EDGE OF TREASON.
Over the years the boards have changed and the story got mashed up.
Fortunately I was able to get hold of a soft copy, which after re-reading decided to update the story.
Hopefully what you are now enjoying is an alternative continuation from the film re-boot of 007 Casino Royale.
The story starts with Bond questioning Mr White about the money he took from Vesper in Venice.
The information he extracts leads him to Vesper's boyfriend - Samir Rashid.
Rashid is on the fringe of Quantum, which is embroiled in returning General Medrano to power.
Bond meets up with Dominic Greene in the Alps; where another plot twist is engaged.
Bond is faced with a dilemma in which he could expose is own bosses as the perpetrators of a crime, or cover it up and allow Quantum to become all powerful.
An end to which Bond could be said to have committed treason.
#24
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Posted 14 July 2013 - 07:05 AM
Chapter 8
in for submission.
Yes, yes yes. When reading the story, please skip over the first four entries (these are all that remain of the original 2008 posting)
I looked to Goldfinger for inspiration in Chapter 8.
As Bond and Camille track Dominic Greene from Austria to the Alps.
As a boy, I loved seeing Sean in the DB5 enjoying the drive; now I can imagine Daniel appreciating how the DB9 handles the curves of the Swiss roads.
#25
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#26
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Posted 17 July 2013 - 06:57 AM
This weekend will see Chapter 9 available to read on CBn
DOUBLE BLACK DIAMONDS - Where Bond meets Dominic Green's henchman. The Assassin known as H.
H gets his name from the almost metaphorical change when he kills,
as in Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Hence H
“Do you ski?” H addressed Bond, his presence was overbearing and his Slavic accent seemed to taunt rather than engage.
A good six inches taller than Bond he was probably ex KGB, certainly ex military, his body was packed with muscle.
“Not very well” Bond answered and tried to move away.
“Ah, English?” Bond nodded and taking his drink tried to move past him. H blocked his way, in the menacing manner of a school bully.
“What is your sport? If you’re not skier why are you here?”
“My fiancé is here for sponsorship”
H laughed, spittle flew from his mouth. Jerking his thumb he glanced over at Camille, she remained in innocent conversation with Ruckberg.
“No chance. The French woman will eat her alive, she doesn’t have the legs for the down hill” he bit into another piece of chicken from the buffet. As he chewed the meat he began eyeing up all the guests, then as if realizing the room was hushed H suddenly spoke.
“I am looking forward to seeing you all breaking your legs in tomorrow’s race” He said loudly enough for all to hear him.
Bond made light of the comment “You won’t see me, I’ll be way behind you”
“No I don’t race with you, especially you. I could beat you with only one ski and one arm tied behind my back” He sneered at Bond. The other guests had fallen quiet
“Tomorrow I will watch for potential” His elbow flicked out nudging Bond’s arm
“I watch your skinny girl very closely yes?” He laughed again; Bond had observed that he had not been drinking all evening so he knew this offish behaviour was specifically meant to goad him. It had worked.
#27
volante
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Posted 22 July 2013 - 07:45 AM
This weekend will see Chapter 9 available to read on CBn
DOUBLE BLACK DIAMONDS - Where Bond meets Dominic Green's henchman. The Assassin known as H.
H gets his name from the almost metaphorical change when he kills,
as in Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Hence H
“Do you ski?” H addressed Bond, his presence was overbearing and his Slavic accent seemed to taunt rather than engage.
A good six inches taller than Bond he was probably ex KGB, certainly ex military, his body was packed with muscle.
“Not very well” Bond answered and tried to move away.
“Ah, English?” Bond nodded and taking his drink tried to move past him. H blocked his way, in the menacing manner of a school bully.
“What is your sport? If you’re not skier why are you here?”
“My fiancé is here for sponsorship”
H laughed, spittle flew from his mouth. Jerking his thumb he glanced over at Camille, she remained in innocent conversation with Ruckberg.
“No chance. The French woman will eat her alive, she doesn’t have the legs for the down hill” he bit into another piece of chicken from the buffet. As he chewed the meat he began eyeing up all the guests, then as if realizing the room was hushed H suddenly spoke.
“I am looking forward to seeing you all breaking your legs in tomorrow’s race” He said loudly enough for all to hear him.
Bond made light of the comment “You won’t see me, I’ll be way behind you”
“No I don’t race with you, especially you. I could beat you with only one ski and one arm tied behind my back” He sneered at Bond. The other guests had fallen quiet
“Tomorrow I will watch for potential” His elbow flicked out nudging Bond’s arm
“I watch your skinny girl very closely yes?” He laughed again; Bond had observed that he had not been drinking all evening so he knew this offish behaviour was specifically meant to goad him. It had worked.
In for submission
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#29
volante
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Posted 28 July 2013 - 07:39 AM
Chapter Ten
The edge of Treason
In for submission.
A pivotal chapter featuring Dominic Greene's proposal to Bond, to expose information gathered by an Ex MI6 agent pertaining to the UK's most endearing conspiracy theory.
Bond is told that to destroy the information will be seen as good by a foreign power, they in turn will allow Quantum to become the World's leading criminal organisation. Or to expose the information would be seen as an act of treason.
#30
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