14 replies to this topic

[Mr. Blofeld]

Howdy, folks! In this thread, we'll be doing a fake "behind-the-scenes" look at Bond 22: The Musical!

Don't be shy; anyone can try!

All right, I'll start:

BOND 22: A MAN, A PLAN, A FILM -- PANAMA!

Blurry shots of M tap-dancing bring us onto the film's set. Director Marc Forster explains:

FORSTER: "Well, ever since I started out, I always wanted to do a big-budget movie musical. With the Bond franchise, my dreams are now a reality!"

We cut to a shot flying us over the Panamanian jungles.

JUDY DENCH: "Musical theatre has always been my forte, so I was thrilled to discover I'd be doing a song-and-dance with John Cleese in this film!"

JOHN CLEESE: "Well, apparently, I'm playing Major Boothroyd, which isn't technically Q, but they can get away with it, can't they?"

We cut to an on-the-set view of the two practicing up on a stage, jostling each other around in glee.

We then cut to Marc Forster playing the piano lightly, thinking of a song to use.

FORSTER (v.o.): "I thought very hard about this, and finally, I came up with something!"

We cut to candid footage of a Swiss beer hall, in which Forster and a couple of his buddies are swilling beer merrily. A drunken provincial gets up on the table and begins loudly singing Van Halen's "Panama". Forster pulls a tape recorder from his jacket, holds it up, and shouts, "I'm going to make you famous!"

FORSTER: "Well, it was always my idea to use Panama as a location in the film, so why not use the drunken provincial's version of Panama?"

We cut to some location shooting in the jungle. Daniel Craig, beet-red from the heat, stomps around in explorer's gear, swatting away the bugs as he does so.

DANIEL CRAIG: "Since Gilbert and Sullivan isn't licenced anymore, I get to sing my own version of the Major-General's Song!"

Cut to raw footage of Daniel Craig tramping around, bedecked in a lavish military uniform, belting out the "00-Agent's Song"; it is rife with lurid innuendoes.

FORSTER: "I am so lucky; I got the famous writers Purvis and Wade to write all my songs! It is so much joy."

Cut to Purvis and Wade belting out "Pure Imagination" from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on the piano.

PURVIS: "It's been fun."
WADE: "Yep."

Cut to Mathieu Amalric getting his head shaved.

FORSTER (v.o.): "So lucky for me, to get the rights to Blofeld! Now, we get distinguished French actor... to play Blofeld!"

AMALRIC: "I'm only doing this to get a wonderful dancing sequence with Daniel Craig."

Cut to Amalric and Craig dancing around a ballroom dressed as Mongkut and Anna Leonowens from The King and I.

FORSTER: "Thank you, Rodgers and Hammerstein! Thank you!"

BARBARA BROCCOLI: "We're so very pleased to have a director of such calibre working on our project."

MICHAEL G. WILSON: "I loved Monster's Ball, so having both Halle Berry and Marc Forster work on Bond films has to be lucky, right?"

FORSTER (as film fades out): "Perhaps I should get my friend Uwe Boll to work with me..."
_____________________

Next person, step right on up!

[WC]

I don't think this is really a spoiler thread.

[Mr. Blofeld]

I don't think this is really a spoiler thread.

We're using spoilers in a funny context, though, so approach with care.

[Napoleon Solo]

To get in the spirit, one should read "007," a James Bond (well technically James Bomb) musical that appeared in Mad magazine, circa 1965. It was definitely drawn by Mort Drucker and probably written by Frank Jacobs.

All the "songs" were sung to the tune of songs from "Oklahoma!" The title song, went something like:

000000000000-oh-seven,
He's the world's great spy there is today;
When the goings tough,
He gets might rough!
So better not get in his way!

(Trying to recreate it from memory. If anybody has an online line, feel free to post. )

[Mr. Blofeld]

Does anyone else have any more ideas for the "behind-the-scenes"? C'mon, I know you do...

[Mr. Blofeld]

Anyone?

[Shrublands]

FORSTER: "I am so lucky; I got the famous writers Purvis and Wade to write all my songs! It is so much joy."


FORSTER (v.o.): "So lucky for me, to get the rights to Blofeld! Now, we get distinguished French actor... to play Blofeld!"



MICHAEL G. WILSON: "I loved Monster's Ball, so having both Halle Berry and Marc Forster work on Bond films has to be lucky, right?"

Speaking of musicals, as they say in The Rocky Horror Picture Show,

[Shrublands]

[quote name='Shrublands' post='803661' date='5 December 2007 - 23:43'][quote name='Mr. Blofeld' post='803223' date='5 December 2007 - 01:59']FORSTER: "I am so lucky; I got the famous writers Purvis and Wade to write all my songs! It is so much joy."


FORSTER (v.o.): "So lucky for me, to get the rights to Blofeld! Now, we get distinguished French actor... to play Blofeld!"



MICHAEL G. WILSON: "I loved Monster's Ball, so having both Halle Berry and Marc Forster work on Bond films has to be lucky, right?"[/quote]

Speaking of musicals, as they say in The Rocky Horror Picture Show,

[Vauxhall]

Aw you beat me to the Kylie reference!

[EL7]

We then cut to Marc Forster playing the piano lightly, thinking of a song to use.

FORSTER (v.o.): "I thought very hard about this, and finally, I came up with something!"

LOL, that alone had me going!


*walks up to piano Casablanca style*

"I told Electra this... My dear 'I never miss'. A sigh is just a siiiiiiiigh.
And now my score has hit an all time high, on Golden Eyeeeeeeeee!"

[Mr. Blofeld]

We then cut to Marc Forster playing the piano lightly, thinking of a song to use.

FORSTER (v.o.): "I thought very hard about this, and finally, I came up with something!"

LOL, that alone had me going!


*walks up to piano Casablanca style*

"I told Electra this... My dear 'I never miss'. A sigh is just a siiiiiiiigh.
And now my score has hit an all time high, on Golden Eyeeeeeeeee!"

Hee-hee!

Anyone else want to create one? If not, I'll try to get one up tonight.

EDIT: Scratch that; I'll try to get one up tonight, instead.

Edited by Mr. Blofeld, 07 December 2007 - 05:18 PM.

[Mr. Blofeld]

Update time!

BOND 22: IN REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST

Open on a blurry shot of Daniel Craig brooding.

MATHIEU AMALRIC (v.o.): "I play the villain, yes. James Bond. It has to do with childhood, you know?"

MARC FORSTER: "I hope you remember, Bond's mother; she is Swiss, no? So, I get brainyflash! Und we set in Switzerland!"

Cut to tired, overstressed workers building shopfronts on a snowy alp. A cheerful Forster supervises the work.

FORSTER: "In my country, there is produce... and the produce is the chocolate! So, Bond's father be candymaker! Yay!"

Cut to Daniel Craig in a ridiculous costume; all brown and cut with breeches and topcoat and all. He mutters obscenities.

DANIEL CRAIG: "Apparently, I'm playing Bond's father in flashbacks, Willy Bondka. It's all in good fun, of course."

Cut to an angry Craig yelling at Forster in the snow; after a moment, he storms away, and Forster throws a megaphone at him.

FORSTER: "I invite my friend Uwe Boll up to visit, and he make lots of casting choices!"

Cut to Tara Reid in a 19th-century style outfit.

UWE BOLL: "I am ze greatest director in ze world! Tara Reid, she is da shiznitz!"

TARA REID: "So, I, uh, play Bond's mom, and I, uh... what?"

Cut to Freddie Highmore in an ill-fitting pageboy outfit, shivering in the snow.

FORSTER: "In my joy at compacting, we get famous child star!"

FREDDIE HIGHMORE: "I'm only doing this role to pay for my college education."

FORSTER: "For special consultant, me hearty Charlie Higson!"

CHARLIE HIGSON: "I have nothing to say on the matter."

Cut to Craig and Highmore dancing in the snow, belting out the song "Chocolate, Chocolate".

FORSTER (as film fades out): "It is so much joy..."

-----------------------------

So, who's next?

[Mr. Blofeld]

Erm... anyone?

[WatchtheBirdy]

(CUT TO CRAIG'S DRESSING ROOM)

Craig: Oh, hi. I'm just reading the script for the movie. To be honest, it's quite dull.

(Wade and Puris enters room)

Wade: I'll start on one! It'll be a sequel to Die Another-

Craig: You know what, I'll stick with this one.

(writers leave sad)

Craig: Phew! That was a close one!

DUMHUMHMUMH

Craig: Oh so cloooose,
yet sooo close,
I blame Chrismas Jones on theem,
Vesper is a better name
Jinx is an awful naaamme.

(Craig jumps off his chair, a top and cane flys out of nowhere, he grabs them, and prances back and forward)

Craig: Oh so close,
oh so close,
yet so close.
Oh.

(Craig clears his voices and sits back down.)

Craig: I should really read this now..

[Mr. Blofeld]

As for a top-hat-and-cane musical number: Puttin' on the Ritz' with Richard Kiel, anyone?