9 replies to this topic

[50 Yen]

Introduction: James Bond, having heard ahead of time about the many frustrating times he'd have to rescue Natalya Simonova in Goldeneye, quit MI6. I, 50 Yen, CBn recruit, was called to replace Bond for the Goldeneye story. These are my adventures:

Dam: I am spotted by almost all the guards guarding the dam, so they shoot at me, but lucky for me, they are (edited) and all miss, so I just run past them and jump off the dam to investigate the chemical weapons facility which is believed to have some terrorist activity going on inside.

Facility: I start off in the vents above the bathroom, I see two possible stalls to jump into, the left one, with no grate covering it, and the right one, covered by a grate and with a guard inside (Strangely he isn't even taking a crap, he is just standing up with his pants up). From the vents above, I shoot the guard in the back of the head, then jump into the left stall. I exit the stall, and there are three more soldiers in the bathroom, one standing at a urinal, strangely with his pants fully zipped up, and the other two in two other stalls directly next to each other, disturbingly standing up with pants up. Makes you wonder what they are up to in there, doesn't it? Anyway, I shoot all three soldiers, and upon exiting the bathroom, I shoot any guard or soldier who moves, and contact Dr. Doak, who gives me the door decoder to open the bottling room door. At the bottling room, I rendezvous with 006, Alec Trevelyan, and plant mines on the bottling tanks.
Trevelyan: Glad you could make it, 50 Yen. For England, 50 Yen?
Me: For England, Alec. Wait a minute, how did you get here before me without the door decoder?
Trevelyan: Half of everything is luck.
Me: And the other half?
An alarm rings.
Trevelyan: Fate.
I detonate the gas tanks, and as Trevelyan is staying to fight off soldiers, I run out thinking Trevelyan will eventually catch up.

Runway: Apparently, after I left the facility, Trevelyan was shot dead by Colonel Ourumov. I am now finishing this mission alone, and will escape via plane. I see a soldier in the alcove behind where I start off, I shoot him and before I exit the building through a conveyor belt, I take a box of grenades and a box of timed mines. A guard directly behind me shoots at me, but fortunately for me he's (edited) and misses, I head through the L-shaped building and chuck a grenade which lands at the feet of the two soldiers guarding the ignition key, then run away before they even notice my presence
Soldier (to his companion): Hey, did I just hear a grenade being thrown at our feet?
Other Soldier: No you didn't, shut up, now just keep standing here staring into space and scratching your own @$$ like I'm doing.
The grenade explodes, ending their boring lives, and destroying the table they were at, the computer at the table, and their chairs. however, the ignition key isn't harmed. I pick it up and then run to the plane. Soldiers shoot at me, but, as always, they're (edited) and miss, I destroy the machine guns by throwing the timed mines on them, then start shooting the soldiers. I finally notice that every time I kill a wave of soldiers, more waves will just come, so I engage one soldier in conversation.
Me: Dude, when will you guys stop coming?
Soldier: We won't, now be a good boy and die.
I jump into the plane and escape the runway.
That is all I have now, more will come soon.

Edited by 50 Yen, 27 November 2006 - 02:50 AM.

[50 Yen]

Part 2 of my adventures, the two part Severnaya mission:

Surface 1: I am sent to Severnaya to investigate some Janus activity in the Severnaya bunker. A guard is patrolling, his back towards me, not knowing my presence. From behind, I whack him with the butt of my sniper rifle. I then zoom ahead with my sniper rifle, and I see a cabin with two soldiers in front of it, standing next to fuel barrels. I shoot the fuel barrels that they're dumb enough to stand next to, ending their boring lives. Then I eventually find the communications tower, and power down the communications dish while inside. I am officially done, now I just have to enter the bunker via ventilation tower. But first, I go exploring until I see a cabin with an alarm on the wall. For a good laugh, I raise it on myself on purpose, then run like hell, shoot the locks off the vent of the tower, and jump down.

Bunker 1: I enter the first room, and kill both the guards before they raise the alarm on me. Then, again for a good laugh, I pull the alarm on myself again. Now limitless waves of guards will forever hunt me down for the rest of this mission. I kill the ones in my path, then kill a guard who has the security keycard, then at the computer room, ignore the guards there 'cuz they're (edited) and all their bullets miss me, I copy the Goldeneye key, photograph the big screen, and shoot Boris Grishenko for a good laugh. I then open the screen door, some more of those limitless guards who I mentioned earlier run down the stairs, so I shoot their @$$es down, and by the exit on top of the stairs, two guards block my path.
Guard: Hahaha, you'll never get past us, foolish boy, never!
Me: Really?
(I then look at the ceiling)
Me: Hey, what's up there?
Guard: Huh?
Me: So long, suckers!

My Kirghisztan mission is coming soon!

Edited by 50 Yen, 03 December 2006 - 01:23 AM.

[50 Yen]

Now my Kirghisztan mission:

Silo: I am sent to a silo to investigate an unscheduled test firing of the Goldeneye satellite. Along the way, some guards shoot at me, but they're (edited) and miss. I get to the last fuel room, and photograph the satellite, then I open the door and get greeted by an old friend, General (formerly Colonel) Ourumov.
Ourumov: Kill him!
(His guards shoot at me, but they're (edited) and miss so I shoot them, then start shooting Ourumov, but my bullets don't harm him)
Me: What? My bullets aren't even phasing you!
Ourumov: I'm invincible in this level! So long!
Me: You dropped your briefcase!
Ourumov: Keep it!
Ourumov runs away, and I prepare to leave the silo. Along the way, I shoot a few more guards, then I escape by the elevator.

Monte Carlo mission coming soon!

[50 Yen]

Alright, even if I doubt folks are actually reading this, since I've gotten no replies and feel like I'm only writing to myself, I've got the Monte Carlo Frigate mission anyway.

Frigate: I am sent to the Frigate 'cuz Janus has taken some hostages there. I open the door and next see a piece of paper taped on the next door I see, the paper reads: "There are no guards taking hostages in these two rooms." I open the door, and see the first two hostages in two rooms connected to each other, and the guards holding them at gunpoint.
Guard: Ha ha ha, I will pop a cap into this hostage 'cuz that's something that even a dumb@$$ like me can do!
I shoo the guards, then go running around the frigate killing guards and saving hostages until all areas are checked, and throw the tracker bug on the helicopter. Mission accomplished!

The more humorous second Severnaya mission is coming in a few minutes!

Edited by 50 Yen, 17 December 2006 - 02:38 AM.

[50 Yen]

The second Severnaya mission:

Surface 2: I am resent to Siberia to investigate the Severnaya massacre. But first, I must destroy the radios in the communications tower. I go to a cabin, and let the camera on the exterior wall spot me on purpose, raising an alarm, then head into the cabin, kill the guard and take his communications room key, and head to the communications room in the communications tower to destroy the radios. Along the way, both before and after I destroy the radios, some guards who were called when I raised the alarm on myself on purpose try to shoot and kill me, but they're all crap and die terrible deaths at my feet, then when I get to the entrance of the bunker, I throw the timed mine on the Hound MI-4 helicopter, and before going down the bunker stairs, I throw a grenade down those stairs, and when I get downstairs and guards greet me to capture me, their @$$es get blown up by the grenade.
Me: Heh heh, suckers! Now I'd better get out of here...
Voice (OS): Oh no you won't!
Me: Who are you, unseen person?
Voice (OS): This is God. No, actually just the person playing the game, but call me "God" anyway. Now because of a glitch in the game, you are gonna get captured by the Spetznatz anyway, so shut up and stay where you are!
Me: Aargh, alright! End this cutscene already, won't you?
"God" (OS): Alright.

Bunker 2: After using my watch magnet to get the cell key so I can get out of the cell, as well as some throwing knives, I kill the guard who is patrolling my cell, then for the rest of the level, I massacre all 35 other guards who are roaming the bunker, as well as destroy some pesky cameras in my way, as well as get the CCTV tape of my capture (which strangely enough has a picture of Goldeneye the movie on the cover) and the staff and casualty lists. I then free Natalya Simonova, unaware that later on she'll be a pain in the @$$, because I'm assigned to escape with any witnesses of the Severnaya massacre also there, and then we escape seconds before that naughty Ourumov destroys the bunker with the Goldeneye satellite.

St Petersburg mission coming soon!

[50 Yen]

Statue Park: I go off to the Statue Park of St Petersburg to confront and unmask the mysterious Janus leader, who has captured Natalya Simonova, and I must rescue her a second consecutive time. But first, I must meet with Valentin Zukovsky in order for my meeting with Janus to occur. Both before I get to Valentin and before I get to Janus at Lenin's statue after my meeting with Valentin, some guards shoot at me, but they're all (edited) and miss. I get to Lenin's statue, and then Janus arrives with four guards, and the limitless guards who were shooting at me earlier mysteriously vanish. Janus tells me to put the gun away, and I refuse to until he tells me to put it away, or he'll bugger off and I'll fail the mission. After finding out he's really Alec Trevelyan from the facility, I shoot his guards and take their shotguns, then I go up to the Pirate helicopter which is about to explode and wake up Natalya by whacking her head with my shotgun, then after it explodes and I pick up the flight recorder, Natalya and I are recaptured by Defense Minister Mishkin (aargh!).

Archives: I let the soldiers in the interrogation room interrogate me, then when another guard comes with new orders to kill me, I ***** slap all three of them to death. After I escape the interrogation room, alot of guards shoot at me, but they're all (edited) and miss, then I go to Natalya's room and shoot the guards in there, picking up their ammo and a hand grenade. I then go to ther basement and talk to Mishkin, who gives me the key to the safe with the flight recorder and then leaves to inform the Politburo of Ourumov's deceit. I then go to one of the windows, throw the grenade to blast it out, then just before jumping out, I shoot and kill Natalya.

Streets: Apparently Natalya comes back to life, only to be captured by Ourumov, I personally decide, "Oh well, who cares?" Then "God" convinces me otherwise, saying it's an opportunity to get to Janus. So then I shoot the guards guarding the tank, then go down another alley killing the guards there and talk to Valentin again, and this time he contacts his associates to delay Ourumov and raise my time limit (Oops, I didn't mention that before, did I?), then I hop on the tank and run over any guards dumb enough to get in my path, until I reach the depot.

Depot: After killing the first guard to get his D5K, I run through the depot killing everybody, as well as destroying an illegal ammo dump and an illegal computer network, then kill the two guards in the train and hop in.

Train: After killing all the guards in the first car and destroying the first brake, I destroy one box to get an RC-P90, then run through the rest of the cars blasting all guards and destroying all brakes with it. After destroying the last brake and killing the two guards who come, getting the door key one of them drops, I go to the room with Ourumov holding Natalya at gunpoint and Trevelyan and Xenia behind them, and I blast all three villains. However, Trevelyan comes back to life in his escape helicopter after the entire train gets locked, and is dumb enough to give me the clues on how to escape the train which is gonna blow up in a minute, so I cut the locks on the trap door with my laser watch, then outside the train blast a few guards who are hanging around near some boxes, then escape to safety with Natalya.

[Double-0-Seven]

This story looks interesting. I plan to read it all as soon as you are finished posting the rest of the levels.

[50 Yen]

Thanks, I'm glad that someone is reading this after all. The Cuba mission will take a while, as it is four levels long, but it'll be coming soon.

[50 Yen]

Hello guys, these weeks I've been busy, but now I'm here with my Cuba mission:

Jungle: Natalya and I are sent to track Janus's base in Cuba by plane. Unfortunately our plane is shot down. We are now going on foot. Then a guard comes.
Guard: Ha ha ha I am an evil guard who will kill you!
Me: Not if I kill you first!
So I do kill him first, then I use his AR33 to shoot up the other two guards. Then I keep going, until I see some guards by a drone gun.
Natalya (getting shot): Ooh look a drone gun.
I shoot the guards and the drone gun, then I go around killing more guards and destroying two more drone guns. Then I go across the bridge, and Xenia is there.
Xenia (just before getting shot and killed horribly): This time, 50 Yen, the pleasure will be all mine!
I pick up her RC-P90 and her grenade launcher, and I use them to destroy the rest of the guards and the drone guns in this level, then I enter the elevator with Natalya once everything else is dead.

Control: I get out the elevator and shoot all six guards until they die, then I get Natalya out of the elevator by hitting her on the head. She then works on a computer and opens a locked door for me, I then go in, kill all the guards, and take a box of remote mines. Then I kill some more guards, and I enter a room with two mainframes and an old friend from the Bunker.
Boris: Don't mind me, I just look after the computers here.
Me: Hey, you're Boris Grishenko from the bunker. Couldn't you have had enough manners to stay dead? Oh well, I guess I'll have to kill you again.
"God": Don't do it. Natalya will refuse to help you if you do, and you'll crappily fail the mission.
So I don't, and after Boris says a few more crappy pre-programmed lines to me, he pulls out a PP7, only to drop it like a goof, then runs away the second I turn my back, shouting that he is invincible. Then after destroying 5 out of 6 mainframes and killnig some more guards, I go get Natalya, who crappily sets the alarm when trying to override the Goldeneye satellite controls, so then guards run to kill her, only to meet their horrible deaths from me, then when it's finally over, I repay Nat by capping her through the @$$, then tell her to get back to the surface as I go after Trevelyan, and she wishes me luck, then I destroy the final mainframe, kill more guards, and exit via elevator.

Caverns: Trevelyan and I are both in the same elevator, then when he gets out, I'm greeted by four guards.
Guard: Ha ha ha, 50 Yen, our uzi-things will kill you!
Me (pulling out a ZMG): Well, I've got uzi-things too!
Guards (as I shoot them): Aargh!
Me: Worthless!
Then I go around, shooting guards, picking up an AR33 along the way, I also destroy the inlet and outlet pump controls after the scientists escape. Also along the way, I got Code Cards A, B and C from a few guards. Then I go to the master control console, shoot up the guards, scare away the scientists, activate the radio to contact Jack Wade, then shoot the fuel barrels to blow up everyting in the room. Then I go to the final spot, Trevelyan taunts me with a crap pre-programmed line, then I shoot the drone gun which is shooting at me, as well as some guards. I decide to wait around for a bit, and guards come to get me armed with such bad@$$ weapons like shotguns and double RC-P90's(!), but luckily they are all crap and only run to their own deaths. After killing them, I leave via elevator.

Cradle: I turn around to get some body armor, then up ahead, a guard is coming to get me.
Guard: I am a bad@$$ guard who is going to kill you!
Me (as I shoot him and shouts, "Aargh!"): More bad then @$$, actually.
Then I kill more guards, and Trevelyan activates the computer, so I go into the shed where the computer is at, shoot the drone guns, and destroy the computer. Some guards try to come in and kill me too, but they're sh@t and die terribly. Then I go around chasing Trevelyan, along the way shooting him to make him say some crap pre-programmed lines, then we meet at the bottom of the cradle.
Trevelyan: For England, 50?
Me (as I shoot him so he falls): No, for me.
Then the cutscene shows of me standing victorious as Trevelyan falls to his doom, and then Natalya comes on a helicopter, and I hop on to it. Mission accomplished, this story is now officially over, that is, until the two secret missions come out...

[50 Yen]

Finally I've come back after a long time, and here's the Aztec and Egyptian levels, basically I just decided to get them done, not too much humor here, but that's where the bloopers at the end to accompany them will make up:

Aztec: I'm sent to the Aztec Complex to reprogram shuttle guidance and launch a shuttle, and guards and Jaws are there to stop me. I get Jaws's smart card and annihilate the guards, then launch the shuttle and stuff, then leave.

Egyptian: Now I'm sent to the Egyptian Temple in Egypt to get the golden gun and defeat Baron Samedi. So I kill him three times, along the way killing guards (and at the same time wondering why the Russians are now working for an evil voodoo priest in the middle of Egypt), then afterwards, I leave, completely unaware the Baron has come back to life and follows me, then does his evil laugh after I'm gone. The End!

Now for bloopers:

F### Natalya 1: In the Bunker 2 mission, I talk to Natalya in my cell rather than escape immediately. We have the exact same conversation Bond and Nat had in the Goldeneye game, then like Bond, I try to get the guard to let me out:
Me: Guard! My stomach hurts. I'm going to be sick.
Guard: (Sigh) You must think I was born yesterday.
Natalya: That worked well.
Me: Oh, I'll show you that worked well, heh heh. Guard, she's trying to escape!
Guard: HALT!
Natalya: Aargh!
The guard shoots Natalya.
Me: Now to find a way to escape...

F### Natalya 2: In Statue Park, I get the flight recorder, go up the hill to see soldiers and Mishkin holding Nat hostage, then I shoot her and quickly leave before the soldiers and Mishkin kill me.

F### Scientists: In the silo, I try to shoot a scientist to see what happens. He pulls out a DD44 on me, so I instinctively massacre him and the other scientists in the room, failing the mission.

F### Comm Dishes: In Surface 1, I head to the satellite building, enter the comms room, and destroy the machine, then the alarm rings.

F### Comm Links: In Surface 2, I head back to the satellite building, and activate the radio, then after the general on the TV screen says, "Da! what is wrong comrade?" I quickly destroy the radio and TV screen as the alarm is ringing, and kill a few guards who come in trying to kill me, failing the mission in style.

Dumb@$$ Guards 1: In the archives, I am talking to Mishkin, and a guard comes, immediately preparing to throw a grenade, and only blows up himself, Natalya, Miahkin and I are unharmed.

And lastly, Dumb@$$ Guards 2: I go down the vent in the facility without killing the guard from above, then I go to the left side of the pillar, slowly inch forward until I see the side of the soldier at the urinal's head, then I nail him. I then kill the other two soldiers in stalls as normal, and go back to kill the guard who I previously ignored. I open his stall door, oh no, he's gonna pull a grenade! So I quickly close the door, and step back as he blows up himself.

Until Next Time! :>

Edited by 50 Yen, 19 February 2007 - 11:37 PM.