30 replies to this topic

[spynovelfan]

EYES ONLY

NOT TO LEAVE THIS DEPARTMENT

After a hand of gin rummy with a few of the chaps last night, I had a bit of a shocking thought re Bond: is he a Hun?

I know his file says he's half-Scot half-Swiss, but there seem to be a few oddities, namely:

He was born in West Berlin. Have we checked this out fully? We boobed massively on 006's vetting, and I'm not at all sure we haven't here, too: does anyone know who was responsible for his parents' death, for example? Might be important later on!

He drinks Heineken, by all accounts a German beer. Everyone seems to put great store by the idea that Bond has impeccable taste - but last I checked, the best beer is brewed in Belgium! Even the fact that he drinks beer at all seems a little Germanic.

He has a penchant for German cars: BMW mainly, but I've heard him rave about Mercedes and what fantastic drivers they all were. What was he doing admiring German racing drivers for?

He uses a German gun! I know it wasn't his choice exactly, but if you believe some sources this man fought in the war. And yet he uses a make of pistol favoured by the Nazis. Rather suspicious, I think you'll agree. And it's not as though there weren't any other options - a Browning would surely be the obvious choice, and they are British. Odder still is the fact that Bond's gun before the Walther was a Beretta, an Italian manufacturer. I reiterate: this man apparently served in World War Two (although on which side I'm not sure is altogether clear from all this). Have you noticed that he has also now permanently given up his tailor off the Row and exclusively favours Italian suits? It's almost as though he's given up pretending to be British any more!

Another point: he is blond, and looks rather like that tennis player chappie. The German one.

I'm also troubled that Bond failed to assassinate a top KGB assassin in Berlin, for no apparent reason than he thought she looked nice. This seems to have been excised from his file, along with the fact that he has previously been brainwashed by the Russians. How do we know he's not faking it now? Are there any other previously brainwashed agents on our books who have conspicuously failed to follow orders that might harm the Opposition?

Finally - and this is fairly damning - all the towels from the Service washrooms seem to be in his office.

Is Bond an agent of the KGB or Stasi? It seems to me that it may be a question of it being one or the other, and we'd better find out which, sharpish.

Immediate action, please. Start by seeing if you can track down this Oberhauser chap who apparently taught him 'climbing and skiing'.

PLOMER

[Bon-san]

Love it.

And I am thus reminded...when are you going to get on finishing that Bond spoof? It's really a moral imperative. You're the man for the job, after all, mate. And it's been over 40 years since Alligator.

[OmarB]

Is Bruce Willis German? Is Shaq German? Is Tommy Lee Greek?

Where you were born has nothing to do with your allegences. Plus like James, non of these poeple were raised where they were born.

[Mister Asterix]

Hmm... There was that case about the chap, Major something-or-another, with the Nazi gold. Bond, was supposed to bring him in and then after Band made contact, the chap ended up dead. Was Bond covering up something.

If I recall correctly Bond ended up having relations later with this chap’s daughter in West Berlin.

This definitely needs checking.

[spynovelfan]

[quote name='Mister Asterix' post='624709' date='11 October 2006 - 22:30']
[mra]Hmm... There was that case about the chap, Major something-or-another, with the Nazi gold. Bond, was supposed to bring him in and then after Band made contact, the chap ended up dead. Was Bond covering up something.

If I recall correctly Bond ended up having relations later with this chap

[Loomis]

I wonder if Bond is even his real name.

Oh, it must be. After all, only bounders use codenames, and it's something Her Majesty's Secret Service would never countenance. It's a cowardly, underhanded way of doing things, and most un-British. One would expect codenames to be employed by Yugoslavian thugs, or perhaps by Germans.

Germans! Wait a minute----

Splendid stuff, spy, as ever.

[Skudor]

One of the chairs in the MI6 canteen has his towel mysteriously draped over it well before sunrise each morning.

[Four Aces]

It's quite allright if Bond is German. After all, the UK had to import a family in from Hannover to take over What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Mit freundlichen gru

[marktmurphy]

Well he certainly covered it well by (pretending?) to appear to be chewing a wasp while asking 'mein bureau hadst ein auto reservert?'.

[Vodka Martino]

I wonder if Bond is even his real name.

It's Bund, actually.

VM

[DOUBLE-O-JOE]

Well if Bond was born in Germany then he's technically a German???

[David Schofield]

Well if Bond was born in Germany then he's technically a German???

Mm, I was born in a stable; and therefore I am a horse.

[spynovelfan]

This document is classified: EYES ONLY, TOP SECRET and SHHH
Please add date and initials here:


In reviewing the files on our man Bond, it strikes me that the Service as a whole may be suffering from a horrendous affliction: Hun-blindness. Re-reading our files on SMERSH's former treasurer, one Auric Goldfinger, I discover that he is referred to as being British. The man's name is Goldfinger - did no one think to point out that that is not, and never has been, a British name? The man is quite clearly a German!

Ditto, one wonders how we reached a state where we recommended to Her Majesty's Government that a former amnesiac war refugee (who, worse, was some sort of cheap card sharp on the side) be commissioned to build a super-weapon to protect our nation. The hand-wringing in the accompanying report that admits the man was leading some sort of neo-Nazi resurgence is shameful to read.

Speaking of Her Majesty, I feel honour-bound to point out that she, too, is of German heritage. I do slightly wonder if, while we were all fretting about Philby et al, we might not have missed a trick: has it occured to anyone that the country has actually, unknown to its populace, been taken over by Germany - and that we're responsible?

I want this Oberhauser person's details on my desk by noon.

PLOMER

[Four Aces]

Well he certainly covered it well by (pretending?) to appear to be chewing a wasp while asking 'mein bureau hadst ein auto reservert?'.

Wrong grammer, hadst is the familiar form of you. It would not apply in this case. It's spelled reserviert, and bureau is spelled wrong also, at least in German.

I wonder if Bond is even his real name.

It's Bund, actually.

VM

Well if Bond was born in Germany then he's technically a German???

Mountbatten=Battenberg=German. You can start with Prince Phillip and work you way down the family tree. Soon the UK will be serving a German king

4A

[David Schofield]

Mountbatten=Battenberg=German. You can start with Prince Phillip and work you way down the family tree. Soon the UK will be serving a German king

4A

There are some of us in the UK for whom that won't really be that much of a hardship having been "served by" a Scottish President called Tony Blair for 9 years.

[Vauxhall]

One of the chairs in the MI6 canteen has his towel mysteriously draped over it well before sunrise each morning.

Well this is certainly the strongest piece of evidence I've seen so far for Bond in fact being German

[Brock Samson]

He drinks Heineken, by all accounts a German beer.

Fire your fact-checker. Schoolboy error.

[spynovelfan]

MEMO: TO ALL STAFF, OPEN ACCESS.

Agent Samson has been escorted off the premises after we discovered he was a German pretending to be Dutch. Let us make no mention of him again.

PLOMER

[Brock Samson]

MEMO: TO ALL STAFF, OPEN ACCESS.

Agent Samson has been escorted off the premises after we discovered he was a German pretending to be Dutch. Let us make no mention of him again.

PLOMER

I think you need to fire the whole department. Your selection process is obviously slipping.

[Loomis]

Mountbatten=Battenberg=German. You can start with Prince Phillip and work you way down the family tree. Soon the UK will be serving a German king

4A

There are some of us in the UK for whom that won't really be that much of a hardship having been "served by" a Scottish President called Tony Blair for 9 years.

Indeed, a Scot and also the Right Honourable Member for Texas North.

[Mr.Kiss Kiss Bang Bang]

Heineken is not a german beer! It's Dutch!

[spynovelfan]

Yes, thank you - that embarrassment has already been pointed out to me!

[Johnboy007]

Well he certainly covered it well by (pretending?) to appear to be chewing a wasp while asking 'mein bureau hadst ein auto reservert?'.

Wrong grammer, hadst is the familiar form of you. It would not apply in this case. It's spelled reserviert, and bureau is spelled wrong also, at least in German.

Hast, nicht 'hadst'.

Aber hallo.

(This thread is great )

[Tuxedo]

Well he certainly covered it well by (pretending?) to appear to be chewing a wasp while asking 'mein bureau hadst ein auto reservert?'.

Wrong grammer, hadst is the familiar form of you. It would not apply in this case. It's spelled reserviert, and bureau is spelled wrong also, at least in German.

Hast, nicht 'hadst'.

Aber hallo.

(This thread is great )

If he calls his mobile "handy" he is German!

Mein B

[Santa]

Hat, not hast. He's talking about his buro, third person.

[stromberg]

[quote name='Tuxedo' post='625586' date='13 October 2006 - 16:37']
Mein B

[Skudor]

Actually, it just occurred to me that Sean Connery's accent is very German. Pay close attention - it's very clearly German!

When will the British get over the war. Never? Probably.

[marktmurphy]

Well he certainly covered it well by (pretending?) to appear to be chewing a wasp while asking 'mein bureau hadst ein auto reservert?'.

Wrong grammer, hadst is the familiar form of you. It would not apply in this case. It's spelled reserviert, and bureau is spelled wrong also, at least in German.

(I don't care)

[Johnboy007]

Well he certainly covered it well by (pretending?) to appear to be chewing a wasp while asking 'mein bureau hadst ein auto reservert?'.

Wrong grammer, hadst is the familiar form of you. It would not apply in this case. It's spelled reserviert, and bureau is spelled wrong also, at least in German.

Hast, nicht 'hadst'.

Aber hallo.

(This thread is great )

If he calls his mobile "handy" he is German!

[doublenoughtspy]

To: Plomer
From: Records Division
CC: M
Re: Is James Bond German?

Further evidence to ponder. The Fleming chap we hired to fool the Soviets into thinking Bond was a myth by turning out thrillers may be a German mole.

We've turned up a birth certificate that shows that he wasn't born, Ian L. Fleming, but Ian R. Flemmmmmmmming.

And the R stands for Reichstag!