Seeing as I haven't made up a topic in my usual incredibly insane pubescent and irretrievably stupid (if not psychologically redundant) nature, I've thought of a good solution to pour some foul smelling liquid over the Daniel Craig nay-sayers.
Here's how it works. Every time an anti-Craig supporter goes that little too far dissing our new Jimbo Bond, you're to recite a line from the 'Craigish Inquisition'.
Luckily. 5 young men, (all in pre adolescence and near bankruptcy) wrote a sketch entitled 'The Spanish Inquisition' in the 1960's.
The Craigish Inquisition
The cast:
Member/craignotbond: craignotbond
Daniel Craig/Cardinal Craig: Daniel Craig
Cardinal Broccoli: Barbara Broccoli
Cardinal Wilson: Michael G. Wilson
Q: Desmond Llewellyn
M: Bernard Lee
EON: EON Productions
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M's Office - Day
Bond: Good morning, Sir.
M: Yes, OO7?.
Bond: That craignotbond site is up to their dastardly tricks again.
M: Pardon?
Bond: I said; That craignotbond site is up to their dastardly tricks again.
M: I don't understand what you're saying, OO7?.
Bond: (slightly irritably and with exaggeratedly clear accent) That craignotbond site is up to their dastardly tricks again, Sir.
M: "craignotbond". Have never heard of that one, OO7. I'm aware of CBn, and frequent them quite often.
Bond: Sir. But craignotbond is making me out to be a bad choice for James Bond.
M: Whether they like you or not, you're James Bond when you're on our payrol. I suggest you go down to 'Q branch' to see if they can offer you any help.
Bond: Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.
Q's Workshop
Bond: Morning, Q!.
Q: Morning, OO7. Try this on, please?. (Q hands Bond a traditional Spanish cardinal outfit).
Bond: Very good, Q. It's just what I need.
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craignotbond site - Night
Member: Looks like Craig is getting even more bad publicity.
(JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Craig of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Broccoli has goggles pushed over her forehead. Cardinal Wilson is just er... Cardinal Wilson)
Craig: NOBODY expects the Craigish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to EON.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Member: I didn't expect a kind of Craigish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals burst in)
Craig: NOBODY expects the Craigish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to EON, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Broccoli) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Broccoli: What?
Craig: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Broccoli: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...
(Craig bundles the cardinals outside again)
Man: I didn't expect a kind of Craigish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter)
Broccoli: Er.... Nobody...um....
Craig: Expects...
Broccoli: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Craigish...um...
Craig: Inquisition.
Broccoli: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Craigish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Craig: Our chief weapons are...
Broccoli: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Craig: Surprise...
Broccoli: Surprise and --
Craig: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Wilson: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against EON Productions and Daniel Craig. 'My old man said follow the--'
Broccoli: That's enough. (To Member) Now, how do you plead?
craigisnoptbond: We're innocent.
Craig: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'BOLLOCKS')
Broccoli: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'EVEN MORE BOLLOCKS')
Craig: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
(Broccoli produces a printed layout of the CNB server rack. Craig looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)
Craig: You....Right! Close them down.
(Wilson and Broccoli make a pathetic attempt to inform craignotbond Host's data centre)
Craig: Right! How do you plead?
craignotbond: Innocent.
Craig: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the host rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Broccoli stands their awkwardly and shrugs her shoulders)
Broccoli: I....
Craig: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Broccoli: I...
Craig: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Broccoli: Shall I...?
Craig: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Broccoli turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack. The doorbell rings. the man detaches himself from scene and answers it. Outside there is a dapper EON man with a suit and a beard, slightly arty.)
"Michael G. Wilson. In this one, we're going back to the Ian Fleming novels"...
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So. There you have it.
Cheers,
Ian
