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Bond Movies that will (hopefully) never happen


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#1 freemo

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 12:35 PM

Just a few potential ideas that one would hope are never made into films.

Croctopussy - A furious M sends Bond to the Australian outback to investigate rumors suggesting that Kevin McClory is hiding out in an old shack somewhere in the bush, plotting a scheme to steal property from EON Productions. Bond teams up with Crocodile Dundee (Paul Hogan), but not everything is how it seems in the outback. The Kookaburras are laughing just a bit too loudly, and things are looking quite suspisious, perhaps a bit too suspisious. Have Bond and Dundee finally met their match ?

The Spy Who Loved Me, Then Two Timed, With My Sister - Two Russian agent sisters discover that Bond did you know what with both of them during the same week. They devise a plan to assasinate the star of secret agents, and blow up his flat in London. But luckily Bond was out at the time, he was getting lucky with the mother of the two agents. But all this does is fuel the fire, the tension heats up, and Bond soon finds that two against one is not a fair match up.

A View to a Spill - A tanker taking Oil from a rig to the main land has an accident and spills some Oil. Despite the fact that their are no whales or any other marine life within 100 miles of the spill, those nuts from Greenpeace sail out in droves to cause their usual annoying chaos. Suddenly James Bond is thrust into the most dangerous assignment of his carrer, and even he, usually so smooth, is starting to feel the pressure.

For Your Fries Only - Bond quits the Secret Service in disgust when he discovers that many of his peers are accepting bribes. He persuses his life long dream, to work at the local McDonalds resteraunt. In just a few weeks Bond is promoted to front counter, and finds himself tackling with a sinister customer, one who wants change for a $100 note.

#2 Icephoenix

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 02:19 PM

Dr. Who: Bond producers have decided to change the title of Dr. No to Dr. Who, feeling the original title was to 'negative'. But are faced with legal matters as they realise there is already a successful British T.V show with the same name.

You Only Lick Once: When Bond takes M on a skiing trip, they decide to ski down the highest mountain in the area. But when they are lifted to the peak M gets his toung stuck on a frozen pole. Without prevail bond must leave M to fend for himself when he spots a delicious Ski instructor. Soon all Pandemonium breaks loose back at MI-6.

#3 Icephoenix

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 02:08 PM

rafterman (26 Oct, 2001 02:56 p.m.):
Moonraper is a fake Ben Affleck film that appears on a billboard in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back....


...ok. Anyway that was just an Idea.

#4 rafterman

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 01:56 PM

Moonraper is a fake Ben Affleck film that appears on a billboard in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back....

Thunderballs-Bond returns to Shrublands with a little something he "picked up" from a game of Domino.

#5 Icephoenix

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 01:14 PM

I'm very bad at this so please go easy.

PinkEye: NATO leaders are blinded when a mysterious man gives them Pink eye. After investigation bond finds Largo is back! Hoping to blind the whole world!

Moonraper: When a giant shuttle is stolen 007 is sent to search for it. After finding a lab full of 'gas type vıagra', bond is sent into space.
Along with Superman's gf, they discover Hugo...his hormonal imbalance and his plan to make love to the moon...

#6 freemo

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 01:10 PM

Superb White Persian !! I can picture them both now, YOU ONLY LEAVE TWICE would be based on a true story too, classic stuff. :)

#7 White Persian

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 12:50 PM

Wonderful stuff Freemo!
What about...
COLDFINGER An insane proctologist infiltrates MI6, as Bond discovers when M sends him for a routine medical.
YOU ONLY LEAVE TWICE When EON refuse to have him back after deserting the series a second time following DAF, Connery defects to Kevin McClory's camp.

#8 Evil Doctor Cheese

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 10:34 PM

This might not mean that much to non-Brits

Live and Let Day... Bond is sent on a shoot to kill mission by M. The location... Blackpool. The time... summer season. And the most dastardly villain he has ever faced... Darren Day.

For Your Mice Only... M finds a mouse in her kitchen. Bond is called in. His mission? Extermination.

#9 Blofeld's Cat

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Posted 26 October 2001 - 02:07 PM

An utter riot, freemo! You have just told us about Austin Powers 3 to 6!:)

I'm not good at this sort of thing either, but here goes:

MUDRAKER: Bond takes a leave of absence to track down a fiendish mastermind who is spreading malicious rumours about Bond and his impotence!

BROWNEYE: C.R.A.P. has fired a satellite into orbit that can fire dark projectiles at any target on earth. Bond gets off his big A, and with the help of Nicely Tightbottom, trys to stop a dark cloud from hanging over humanity.