Lettermen style Top 10 - "Bond can't..."
10. Hide wetsuits
9. Defuse nukes
8. Use a computer unaided
7. Avoid falling into water containing live sharks
6. Remain conscious after a tap on the back of his neck
5. Sew
4. Suss out which way is up in a submarine
3. Taste drugs in his Vodka Martini
2. Have any no-claims bonus left by now
1. Resist anything in a skirt
=
J
"Bond can't..." Top 10
Started by
James Page
, Jun 06 2001 03:56 PM
3 replies to this topic
#2
Blue Eyes
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#3
Blue Eyes
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Commander RNR
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Posted 07 June 2001 - 12:42 AM
The Top 14 Ways the New James Bond Movie is More PC
"Bond Girls" henceforth to be referred to as "Bond Womyn."
Evil mountain lair may not be destroyed without first conducting environmental impact study on implications to surrounding evil henchmen breeding grounds.
Jaws' mouth now made from 100% recycled aluminum!
Bond to have brief but meaningful tryst with male CIA operative, sensitively portrayed by Kevin Spacey.
Then: "License to Kill"
Now: "License to Cause Respiratory Distress"
Aston-Martin to be replaced by GM's all electric EV-2.
Opening credits now feature artistic nude silhouettes of John Goodman.
Some of the minority characters, though minor, are actually *sane*.
"Octopussy" now referred to as "Woman With 8 Cats."
New nemesis: "Dr. No-Means-No!"
New theme song: "The Spy Who Had a Lot of Respect for Me"
Old Bond: Publicly humiliated arch-nemesis by out-drinking and out-gambling him in front of his girl. New, PC Bond: Publicly humiliates arch-nemesis by vomiting on his shoes and making tearful phone call to his AA mentor.
Evil villains now referred to as "persons of alternative goodness."
and the Number 1 Way the New James Bond Movie is More PC...
Replacing Pierce Brosnan as the new Bond -- Queen Latifah!
"Bond Girls" henceforth to be referred to as "Bond Womyn."
Evil mountain lair may not be destroyed without first conducting environmental impact study on implications to surrounding evil henchmen breeding grounds.
Jaws' mouth now made from 100% recycled aluminum!
Bond to have brief but meaningful tryst with male CIA operative, sensitively portrayed by Kevin Spacey.
Then: "License to Kill"
Now: "License to Cause Respiratory Distress"
Aston-Martin to be replaced by GM's all electric EV-2.
Opening credits now feature artistic nude silhouettes of John Goodman.
Some of the minority characters, though minor, are actually *sane*.
"Octopussy" now referred to as "Woman With 8 Cats."
New nemesis: "Dr. No-Means-No!"
New theme song: "The Spy Who Had a Lot of Respect for Me"
Old Bond: Publicly humiliated arch-nemesis by out-drinking and out-gambling him in front of his girl. New, PC Bond: Publicly humiliates arch-nemesis by vomiting on his shoes and making tearful phone call to his AA mentor.
Evil villains now referred to as "persons of alternative goodness."
and the Number 1 Way the New James Bond Movie is More PC...
Replacing Pierce Brosnan as the new Bond -- Queen Latifah!
#4
Blue Eyes
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- Veterans Reserve
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- 9976 posts
Commander RNR
- Location:Australia
Posted 07 June 2001 - 12:36 AM
Here's one off Letterman:
Top Ten Signs James Bond Just Doesn't Care Anymore
10. Goodbye tuxedo, hello novelty T-shirt that looks like a tuxedo
9. His "new" car? An '88 Buick LeSabre
8. Latest Bond girl is named "Naps Aplenty"
7. Spends entire movie trying to bum a ride to the mall
6. Favorite gadget -- the George Foreman Barbecue Grill
5. Spends entire movie saying, "Yeah, baby," then cracking up
4. He'll only accept assignment if he's home in time for "E.R."
3. Can't remember the last time he got lucky while in zero gravity
2. At film's climax, screams "Save us Pikachu!"
1. If you give him a stirred martini, he won't be happy, but he'll drink it
Top Ten Signs James Bond Just Doesn't Care Anymore
10. Goodbye tuxedo, hello novelty T-shirt that looks like a tuxedo
9. His "new" car? An '88 Buick LeSabre
8. Latest Bond girl is named "Naps Aplenty"
7. Spends entire movie trying to bum a ride to the mall
6. Favorite gadget -- the George Foreman Barbecue Grill
5. Spends entire movie saying, "Yeah, baby," then cracking up
4. He'll only accept assignment if he's home in time for "E.R."
3. Can't remember the last time he got lucky while in zero gravity
2. At film's climax, screams "Save us Pikachu!"
1. If you give him a stirred martini, he won't be happy, but he'll drink it