19 replies to this topic

[Tanger]

Sophie Coco was a beautiful, young and innocent girl. Despite her youthful age and beauty, this was a woman hiding more than her physical scars. Trapped in a life of violence and fear, a chance encounter with a handsome, charismatic man is about to bring an end to her suffering.

From the riches of Cannes to the alleys of Rome, James Bond becomes an unwitting player in a deadly cat and mouse game of revenge with the beautiful Sophie, luring him into the shadows and bringing him face to face with the mysterious Knight.

Another excellent piece this week. This was recently published on AJB and is another excellent short story.

Here is the download link:
http://www.ajb007.co...htofshadows.php

It's in Adobe Acrobat format so you will need Reader to open it. As what we did last time, posting your review right after you've read it, seemed to work well I think we'll do that again this week. It's better than waiting a whole week to post your review.

So, if you don't want the story spoiled do not read below this post. Also, please note that the author, who posts here as Lazenby, has joined the FFRC and will be more than happy to receive and respond to your questions and comments. Just post them all here.

Happy reading!

[Four Aces]

Thanks for the link. I've bookmarked the site also.

Is Tanger pronounced as in T

[Lazenby880]

I am greatly appreciative and quite humbled that Knight Of Shadows has been chosen for discussion this week as it is excellent to see the fruits of my labour. As Tanger as said I would be very happy to respond to any questions anyone has regarding Knight Of Shadows.

All feedback, both positive and negative, is more than welcome. Indeed, it all adds to the learning curve as a writer, since my second story is currently being written. The worst outcome from my point of view is not a negative reaction, but an indifferent one.

Edited by Lazenby, 04 March 2004 - 07:11 PM.

[Xenobia]

Have folks read this yet? Can I start the discussion?

-- B

[Qwerty]

Xen, I'm sure you can, Tanger gave a warning in the initial thread to watch out for spoilers, so review away!

Edited by Qwerty, 04 March 2004 - 08:31 PM.

[Xenobia]

Let me hear it from tanger, and I will.

-- X

[Tanger]

Does anyone read my posts?

All details are above. Please try and read them carefully.

[Qwerty]

Well, here we go...


I thought it was by far, the most interesting piece of fan fiction that we have read in this club. It was a short story, so it moved fast, and there was an obvious, but of course needed jump from scene to scene, some of them very rapid, but not detracting from the story.

The female lead is what obviously stands out to me in this story, and at first I thought she was revealed a bit too quick in the story, not what she really is doing or how she is apart of the plot, but the actual introduction of her character. However, after reading the whole thing and then skimming over already read parts again, I realized that her character is quite important to be seen throughout the entire story. The scene where she is almost tortured by Melcon, brief as it was, was a little shocking to me, usually you're accustomed to Bond being tortured in details, not the leading lady. The finale was quite good, but with a few points I thought were average. I thought the confrontation with the Knight was very rapid, and seemed over before it really even started, the same may be said of the card game. However, the ending with Bond arranging the supposed meeting was a stroke of good idea into this piece.

To conclude, I felt it was a good short story, certainly in my opinion, one of the most interesting, in a good way, that we've read. Certain bits, a tad too fast, but it's a short story, so there you go. Certain characters handled very well also. I would've liked to maybe see a bit more about the location, because it seems like such an elegant choice.

These are just points that I'm making as constructive appraise/criticizm, because I like to point out items when we read these stories.

Good job on this, Lazenby880.

8/10

[Xenobia]

I agree that this was most definately the most interesting piece we read so far, and I believe it is because of the female. Sophie is not your typical Bond girl. She doesn't fall into his arms willingly, she doesn't cling to him, and she doesn't want him at the end. Other than Gala Brand, who has said no to Bond????

I also like Bond getting angry -- and not angry because the job didn't get done, or his friend got killed. Angry that he got played. I like watching how that effects him, and how it almost pushes him too far.

I would have liked to have dealt more with the plot of the story...what these "deliveries" have done to the world, but Q is right, this is a short story and there might not have been enough time for that. But for what it was, the Bond girl was developed very well, and I enjoyed her a lot.

8.5

-- Xenobia

[Qwerty]

Other than Gala Brand, who has said no to Bond????

I also like Bond getting angry -- and not angry because the job didn't get done, or his friend got killed. Angry that he got played. I like watching how that effects him, and how it almost pushes him too far.

Exactly. Very well said and shown in the story.

[clinkeroo]

Some thoughts:

Nice story. Good to see something that isn't wholly dependent on video gamish action sequences. It actually uses the elements of writing to move the story along rather than just existing as a disjointed conglomeration of action scenes loosely connected by an excuse of a plot. Good character development on the major players (a little more on that in a bit), and nice setting pieces.

A few constructive criticisms:

Although I liked the development of Sophie's character, I thought there may have been a little adjective overkill in the opening few graphs in reference to Miss Coco. We get "lost," "lonely," and at least three "innocent"'s. If she were any more innocent there would have to be a halo above her head . I think the author could convey, and mostly did convey, all of these without actually hitting us so heavily with the words. Maybe instead of using lost and lonely, have Bond watching her, maybe comparing her to something like a little girl who'd been abandoned by her parents wandering about the street. It has the same effect, but flows a little more smoothly. I can hear one of my Profs from the distant past telling me to show emotions through the actions of the characters, rather than just through the words. There is no need to keep telling us she is so innocent, the author shows this quite well with her awkwardness at the table, and the suffocating, dominating figure of her father, who obviously intimidates her (or, at least that's what she wants Bond to believe.)

The scene in Bond's flat didn't quite ring true for me. He must have moved since Fleming's day, not to he

[scaramanga1]

I feel Lazenby880's first steps into the realm of writing 007 fanfiction are almost giant strides. Granted there are things that need developing - ie Knight's demise was rushed, and a little more history could've been provided to help the reader along. But really what it comes down to is the fact that this short story is - just that -a short story. It is full of atmosphere, and portays 007 in a more interesting way than some fanfics out there. Yes Coco is refreshing in that she is different from most Bond Girls - which let's face it can be a good thing.
Lazenby880 has managed to stick to the formula in many ways, but has also tried to be different, and I think this has worked well. He has put his own stamp on the tale, and has found his own writer's voice. Personally I do think it is one of the best 007 fanfics out there, and I am really looking forward to seeing how this young man develops his craft. I feel his next tale will be even better than this, as he will no doubt think about the demise of key villains a little more, and also the provision of background information that fleshes both plot and characters out a bit .

I give this tale a resounding 9 out of 10 as it isn't perfect. But there are no two ways about it. This was an excellent tale with good setting and atmosphere. Highly entertaining.

[Tanger]

I'm so glad to see that you all enjoyed it.

Well, what can I say that hasn't already been said about this wonderful piece?
Well, to begin with, short stories are my favourite type of Bond Fan Fiction. Mainly because I generally don't have too much time to read long pieces but I just love short stories in general. It really amazes me at how much writers fit in to their stories and how many good pieces are out there.

This story was no exception. The characters were set up well, the description of settings were excellent and you could really feel what was happening.

The character of Bond himself was portrayed exactly how I like him. A master of his craft but he doesn't always particularly enjoy it.

Again, this story featured a female M. I'll just take this as it is because it is set inline with the current chronology and not just going by the films. I really can't understand it why most of the writers decide to use a female M as I find that in the majority of stories, a male M would probably suit better. I like how it was done in The Monte Carlo Trilogy where teh gender of M was left ambiguous so that you could choose based on your preference.

The Bond girl herself was a nice interesting one. Actually there to progress the story rather than just an accessory. She was quite well developed too.

Like everyone else has said I felt that the villain's plans could have been fleshed out slightly more and his demise was far, far too quick. I wanted more, I wanted to see The Knight suffer. He had the makings of classic Bond villain in my opinion and deserved a longer death.

As the story stands it's probably in my top five short stories and I think that with a few tweaks and developments it could be in the top three. The writer has done an excellent job for a first attempt though and I hope in the future we may get a revised version.

Overall a very good piece.

4/5.

[Lazenby880]

First of all, I really have to thank you all for the time you have given and detail you have put into your posts. I greatly appreciate it and it is excellent to see one's own work being commented on, and it is fantastic to see that everyone overall enjoyed the story.

I'm really glad everyone like Sophie, as I tried really hard to make her as distinctive a Bond girl as possible. My next main Bond girl will hopefully aid the story in a similar fashion. In addition, I am pleased everyone thought it was interesting, which I hope is a good thing , and different. Xenobia I'm also glad you enjoyed Bond's anger, as well as said anger and the guilt he feels about it were issues I tried to continue throughout the story. And Tanger, thanks for your words regarding Bond's portrayal. While writing I dod worry I wouldn't do Bond's character justice

I accept what everyone is saying about the Knight's demise. Upon re-reading it was rushed and could have been better developed and drawn out. In terms of the plot as a whole, I have said this over at AJB, I tend to be better at individual scenes, dialogue or lines, perhaps to the detriment of the larger picture. That is something I am working for my upcoming longer story, Smokeheart.

Qwerty, I take your criticism regarding the locations, they could have been more developed since Rome is such a beautiful city. Clinkeroo, yes Sophie is deliberately waiting for Bond outside his hotel. Bond follows her because firstly he is enticed with her and secondly he wants to know why she left him in the morning, a hunter going in for the kill. Not really professional, though Bond is uncomfortable with himself as a result of this. Tanger and Clinkeroo, as far as a female M is concerned, I don't really know the extent to which this detracts from the story and like Tanger said it is set in current chronology. I tried to deliberately not subconsciously imitate Fleming or the movie series (hence no Q) though being honest I did just go with a female M simply because the current film version is. Though I do think that a male M could have said the same dialogue, and for Smokeheart I may make M male again. However, this may mean I

Edited by Lazenby, 07 March 2004 - 12:18 AM.

[Tanger]

Thanks for your responses Lazenby. It's great when a writer responds positively to any comments, good or bad that have been made to their work. I'll be looking forward to Smokeheart with great anticipation. I'd very much like to read more of your work.

About some of your comments; I don't know why I don't like a female M. In the films it works but she always comes across as too much of a Mother figure. When I read Bond stories, I find that a male M gives a greater dynamic to the scenes that he's in.
It'd be a great idea if you did have a new M in your next piece. This would give you a great opportunity to give us a completely new M character and could turn out to be very interesting.

How far are you into Smokeheart? Have you just begun writing it or are you quite a way into it? What can we expect?
Also, would you consider revising Knight Of Shadows now that you know of some areas that you can improve upon?

Regards

[Lazenby880]

Thanks for your responses Lazenby. It's great when a writer responds positively to any comments, good or bad that have been made to their work. I'll be looking forward to Smokeheart with great anticipation. I'd very much like to read more of your work.

About some of your comments; I don't know why I don't like a female M. In the films it works but she always comes across as too much of a Mother figure. When I read Bond stories, I find that a male M gives a greater dynamic to the scenes that he's in.
It'd be a great idea if you did have a new M in your next piece. This would give you a great opportunity to give us a completely new M character and could turn out to be very interesting.

How far are you into Smokeheart? Have you just begun writing it or are you quite a way into it? What can we expect?
Also, would you consider revising Knight Of Shadows now that you know of some areas that you can improve upon?

Regards

Well Tanger, I'm three chapters in so far though two and three are currently being edited and streamlined. Expect it to be a bit darker, the first chapter in particular is quite violent, though this is to develop a particular character. Furthermore, it will be longer than Knight Of Shadows, which should give me more space to develop on the areas of fair criticism as detailed previously. I also think I may take your advice with a new M, as it would make it more original and distinctive. Finally, expect Orsley, briefly mentioned in Knight, to return.

Concerning editing or revising Knight, I don't think I will, though I may change my mind. Despite the fact that I accept the criticisms detailed above, especially those of the plot and villain's death, I feel that I have finished that work, and would prefer to take the criticisms to my future projects and hopefully continue improving.

[Qwerty]

I wish you good luck on Smokeheart as well, considering it will probably be even better than this one, I think it'll be a great treat!

You've got a good handle at Bond fan fiction.

[Xenobia]

Scaramanga, what speaks most about you as a writer is that you took the time to thank those who helped you in the process. That is always the sign of a great writer, and well mannered man. Nice work.

-- Xenobia

[scaramanga1]

Scaramanga, what speaks most about you as a writer is that you took the time to thank those who helped you in the process. That is always the sign of a great writer, and well mannered man. Nice work.

-- Xenobia

Thanks for the complement Xen! As an avid reader I like to thank the writers for the entertainment they provide. As a writer I always hope that I can provide a level of entertainment that is of a pleasing level. Like I said earlier about this particular fanfic. It was entertaining, and made you want to read more.

This work has set Lazenby880 a guaranteed audience for Smokeheart -which of course is a great thing. He is now writing knowing that his work is eagerly anticipated -which in turn drives him to produce a piece of work that meets our expectations. The good thing is, is Lazenby880 has already shown he can write well.

[Bond_Bishop]

It was a nice story. Not bad but not superb either.

7.5/10