The world of James Bond is not a natural universe for the moustache. Unlike Clark Gable in Gone with The Wind (1939), Burt Reynolds in Smoky and The Bandit (1977) or the more recent, er, The Lorax (2011), 007 himself is not a natural bedfellow for a touch of mouth-browery. But that is not to say The Mo has been totally ignored in the scheme of all things Bond. 007 creator Ian Fleming himself was not averse to furnishing his characters with some bespoke mouth-brow action – although it would be the rather dubious likes of villains Ernst Stavro Blofeld being afforded a drooping grey moustache (as in the original You Only Live Twice novel). And of course all the Bond actors – including Sean Connery – have adopted some Mo action off-screen and, to be fair, have always looked the better for it. But what might the best Mo-ments in half a century of Bond be….?
BOB CONLEY / A View to a Kill (1985)
If one city has earned its place in the history of the Mo, then it is San Francisco. Heralded and typified by the city’s beatniks, teamsters, clubbers, musicians, hippies, artists and of course the gay community, The Mo has a rightful affinity with California’s famous town. So when James Bond’s 1985 caper A View to a Kill rides into town (or “floats” as – according to Bond ’85 – apparently an airship is the best way to travel round San Francisco), it made perfect sense for henchman and all-round bad egg Bob Conley (Manning Redwood) to sport an ‘undercover cop’ of a Mo. Despite being neither a beatnik, a teamster, a clubber, hippy or a gay dude, Bob Conley is so villainous he wants to help his colleague-in-crime Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) mastermind a killer earthquake that would split open the San Andreas fault, hence providing San Francisco with its own Mo but one you would need that airship for to even see.
MILOS COLUMBO / For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Initially pitched as a foe, Milos Columbo (played by Topol) is the owner of both a fine Greek smuggling racket and an equally fine Greek tragedy of a chevron Mo. It lends this benevolent character great ambassadorial gravitas as well as being the perfect tool for filtering the discarded shells of the abundant pistachios he spends nearly every scene chomping on.
GREG BEAM / Quantum of Solace (2008)
This slippery CIA bad ‘un should not be in ownership of a Mo. He doesn’t deserve it. Pitched as some corrupt stooge in the pockets of some equally bad Mo sporting Bolivian generals (who also do not deserve it), Beam’s moustache is probably the only thing in his favour. Probably classed by Movember style guides as a “businessman”, Beam’s Mo is as blow-dried as his rather curious hairstyle. If his is a “businessman Mo” then it is one of those IT workers who worked for computer companies in 1983.
JAMES BOND / Octopussy (1983)
Whilst no James Bond has ever been future-sighted enough to adopt a Mo for a whole film (coward!), 007 is no stranger to the benefits of a Mo (Roger Moore even sported quite a grand example in his non-Bond 1970 chiller, The Man Who Haunted Himself). Octopussy marked the first Bond film this fan ever saw and Roger Moore’s Mo fills the screen and my memories of 007 almost as quickly as he does. But alas, his caddish Mo is not real. It is a fake plastic Mo some bit-part lady furnishes James with as a final touch to his attempts to infiltrate a Cuban missile base dressed as a Cuban missile base commander. Once that plastic tache is pinned to Bond’s face, he is immediately invincible to all attempts on his life or swapping him for a stunt double. But when the real base commander gets wind of 007’s meddling, the first thing he does to the seized Bond is to yank off that Mo – thus rendering the great spy susceptible to all sorts of attack. If only Moore had kept the plastic Mo or – better still – a real one, then the rest of the mission could have been accomplished in twelve minutes.
ODDJOB / Goldfinger (1964)
Played by Harold Sakata, Goldfinger’s suited golf-caddy, come iconic henchman sports a pencil thin Mo, as razor sharp as the brim of that deadly lady-killing hat of his. Whilst it completes a sartorial look that is not a million miles from the tailored panache of Bond himself, Oddjob’s ‘Box Car’ tache is sadly no defence against electrocution in Fort Knox.
JAMES BOND / On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
Yes, 007 himself again. Sort of. Though this time in a rather less on-screen way and in the guise of the Australian George Lazenby. This Bond actor only ever completed one Bond movie. Various reasons, myths and gossip will have their explanations why. Lazenby himself has suggested he thought the Bond character could be on his way out come 1969 as the world’s youth movements took cinemagoers away from suited heroes. George felt so strongly that 007 was dead in the water that he allegedly upset Bond producers by turning up to the World Premiere of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service with flowing locks and a rather magnificent Mo. He may have lost Bond, but Lazenby promptly kept his Mo for the rest of the 1970s and never once failed to be one of the unsung Mo-Bro pioneers. A bit like his spin of the 007 dice.
MR KIDD / Diamonds are Forever (1971)
Now this is a Mo! The homo-cidal Mr Kidd (played by Putter Smith) is a curious Woodstock hippy in a Wall Street suit with straggly wispy locks perfectly mirrored by his quite spectacular. If his Mo had a name then it would be ‘The Bellamy’ after the hairier one of the Bellamy Brothers. As his partner in crime and love Mr Wint (Bruce Glover) tries to steal every one of their shared scenes with his preening and copious aftershave usage, it is Mr Kidd’s ‘Bellamy’ that steals the show bringing a bit of Haight-Ashbury hippery to the usually clean cut Bond series. One day Kidd’s Mo will have its own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
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Edited by Catching Bullets, 15 November 2012 - 02:17 PM.
