21 replies to this topic

[Tanger]

Can James Bond afford to relax after thwarting a Spanish terrorist attack on Gibraltar? The first fan fiction short story by Jon Onyon brings 007 face to face with an old enemy...

The cigarette case looked ordinary enough. But Bond knew it was not.

[Qwerty]

Okay, I read it just now, well, okay....

First of all, it doesn't seem like it is even finished. ???

As a review of what I've read, I'm going to offer constructive criticizm and points to improve on, because I think it has some. This is not meant in any way to be disrespectful to the author of this work, it's meant to point out ways to improve on future writing.

The main problem of this piece is that it needs to be editted and checked. I found some grammatical errors, including spelling mistakes and a lack of needed commas, to name some. The sentences seem to just run on, when breaks in them are approapriate and needed.

The plot it seems, does have good potential, but so far, is hindered by the lack of description to the characters and locations. It just seems like something happens, it's described very briefly and then we move on to the next scene.

I'd like to see more of these characters because they do sound interesting, they just need some tweaking and more description. The locations would probably become even better also if they were flashed out more.


In conclusion, in my opinion, and this is NOT MEANT TO BE DISRESPECTUL AT ALL, it's the weakest fan fic we have read in this club. I think some reviewing and editting by the author will turn it into a very good piece, it just needs a little work. The story is good, just little bits here and there to fix up.


I will not rate this piece because it doesn't seem finished.

[Tanger]

To begin with, lot's have people have commented on how it doesn't seem finished. From what I've found out, it either leads on to his next short story or is just a really weak ending.

Like Qwerty has said, one of the first things that hits you is the poor editing job. I'm not sure whether this is the fault of the writer or whether the story was retyped and it was the fault of the typist. Either way, it could do with some tweaking.
Some of the sentences are far too short and repetition such as Bond did this, Bond did that and The man, the man, the man are all a little off putting.
Another thing that niggled me a bit was-who does a short story in sections? For me it just didn't work.

Sorry if this sounds too negative, but these are just things that I noticed which could be improved.

Now, back to the story proper. The character of Bond in this one is without a doubt, Pierce Brosnan. Just the way the character spoke and acted gave me this clue. But this version is older and close to retirement.

The writer tried to include some good book references such as the use of Bill Tanner and Moneypenny being frequently (sometimes too frequent!) reffered to by her pet name of "Penny" (Which is not her first name as some people think). The trouble is, the writer tends to mix the films and the books. For example, Tanner is here, but the book Bond would always refer to him as Bill rather than Tanner, as in the films. Alternately, Tanner refers to Bond as 'Bond' rather than James.
Tanner is later murdered by a SPECTRE agent at the airport.

There's a new 00 in the section, but sadly we don't hear any of the conversation that Bond and Tanner have with him and learn far too little about him. Although, his description is somewhat reminiscent of Bond in the book LALD.

Finally, someone has used a male M! But we do not find out whether this is a new M or not. I presume it is. Also Bond has a female secretary but her name is not mentioned.
Major Boothroyd is reffered to by his film name of Q which again suggests that the two worlds have been mixed.
Felix Leiter also returns in a brief cameo appearance.

Overall, I quite liked the story, but it could have been so much better. Hopefully the writers next story will clear up some things from this one and hopefully the things he set up such as the new 00 and the Renewed SPECTRE will be used more.

2/5.

[Joyce Carrington]

The main problem of this piece is that it needs to be editted and checked. I found some grammatical errors, including spelling mistakes and a lack of needed commas, to name some. The sentences seem to just run on, when breaks in them are approapriate and needed.

The plot it seems, does have good potential, but so far, is hindered by the lack of description to the characters and locations. It just seems like something happens, it's described very briefly and then we move on to the next scene.

This is exactly why I can't bring myself to finish reading it.

[scaramanga1]

What can I say? I agree that this tale lacks in many areas. The writer has tried hard, and I can't help but think that the author is quite young, and is still developing his writing skills. It really does smack of cinematic 007, rather than a literary one, and this is where at times you feel like you could be reading a graphic novel but without the pictures. It is almost a cartoon strip. If this was intentional -which I highly doubt -it could've been made into a spoof Bond tale -but as a serious attempt at a 007 story -it lacks a certain sophistication.
so really all I can say is the author needs to work on those elements that will develop the plot, and not be too anxious to move onto the next scene all the time.

3.5/10

[Lazenby880]

Finger On The Trigger is a story I tried really hard to like. The title is catchy and evokes certain imagery, the front cover is an excellent piece of art, and the sound of a Spanish terrorist attack sounded like a very good plot upon which one could develop short story.

The many spelling and grammatical errors were indeed noticeable but easy enough to ignore, as Tanger has already said it is difficult to know whose fault this is but one would have thought this would have been cleaned up for release. However my main problem with Finger On The Trigger is a general lack of development, it moves very fast and I would have liked the characters and the scenes to have been better fleshed out. The beginning I also found disappointing, again generally to the speed and lack of care with which everything was described, the girl, the setting, Bond

[Qwerty]

Quite so Laxenby, one thing that just always annoys me is overkill in the word 'Penny' as her name. Bond said it once in You Only Live Twice, and I think you should only hear it once in a while, not very often, but that's just my personal thought.

[Seb Harvey]

Your reviews are disgraceful

...so is your spelling

[Qwerty]

Seb Harvey, can you tell me why you think they are?

Speaking for myself, I never bash anyone's writing, because it takes a lot of effort to do a fan fic, but if I do read something and see areas of improvement, I point them out, that's the whole point of this club.

Not disgraceful, just pointing out good and bad points.

[Seb Harvey]

These guys spend hours creating these things, and you come along and destroy what they have written with totally negative comments.

Let me tell you how you review something, first of all you summarise the story without picking at any faults, then you comment on the good aspects of the story, then you made comment on the bad.

and then finally, you give helpful suggestions to spur the writers on to create better fan fics in the future.

All you people are doing: is pulling out the bad things and slating it. Not once have you made any good comments on the story, never once pulled out the positive aspects in the same degree you have with the bad.

And you have not given any suitable suggestions for future improvements.

[Qwerty]

I'd like to see more of these characters because they do sound interesting, they just need some tweaking and more description. The locations would probably become even better also if they were flashed out more.

I completely understand, but we are not just slashing everyone's work. GOOD and BAD points.

Here's a suggestion that I made for it.

I don't know where you get the idea that we are just slashing the fan fic and not giving any ideas or thoughts on how to improve it.

[Tanger]

Seb, try reading our reviews properly. There are many positive comments.
If all you've come here to do is pick fights then clear off. The purpose of this Club is, for people who read and enjoy fan fiction, to review the pieces that are at there. It helps to recommend the best pieces to readers and is also beneficial for writers as they can learn on areas to improve.
I'll be the first to admit that writing a story is no mean feat and I truly commend what people have done. But, being a writer yourself, you will know how great criticism is. It only helps you to improve. In fact, when I'm writing, I find that criticism helps me write better than praise does.

Hopefully now you can see where we're coming from. Don't come here stirring or we won't even bother with your pieces.

[Lazenby880]

Seb Harvey, may I ask to whom you so critically refer?

Personally, I don't expect people to lie about their feelings towards a story, being honest is the only way to learn as a writer. Indeed, I learned greatly from both the positive and negative comments regarding Knight Of Shadows. It is not really the fault of the reader if they happen to be of the opinion that the negatives outweigh the positives.

That said, like I said in my review, I do not like being too negative as I appreciate and understand the time, dedication and effort it takes to write a fan fic, having written one myself. That is why I tried to suggest ways in which the writer could improve, better sentencing, more plot, character and scene development and slowing the pace.

Although on the whole I did not really enjoy Finger On The Trigger, particularly in comparison to some distinguished work already dealt with by the Fan Fiction Readers' Club, I did point out what I perceived to be the positive aspects of the story, and there is no reason why should not Mr Onyon's next work if the areas I suggest are improved upon.

Edited by Lazenby, 09 March 2004 - 11:51 PM.

[clinkeroo]

Funny thing is, I have always thought most of our discussions were too friendly and not critical enough.

We are not a "reviewing club," we are a "reading club." When I was a journalist, I was paid to review novels, something which I found sucked the joy out of the experience. Here, we read, and we spew forth our afterthoughts in an informal forum. If I were to put forth something that I wrote when I was, say 13, I would fully expect the sort of remarks we sometimes make here, and would hope to grow from them. It is certainly more constructive for a young writer to get a little more detailed feedback than a "We would like to thank your for your interest in BlahBlah magazine, but at this time we feel your submission is not what we are looking for."

Many of us here are fan fiction writers ourselves, and we know the love and dedication it takes, but if that is all we spoke to, things would be quite repetitive, and not very honest, around here. In fact, sometimes the best thing a work of love can use is honesty; Lord knows, when one is in love, we all wear the proverbial rose-tinted glasses.

I understand your opinion, and why you've said what you have, but the best way to add a dissenting voice is to wade on in, and contribute a full-blown review of a piece if you wish, as long as that is how you choose to respond. Your criticism, as you've chosen to make it here, is actually demonstrative of what your complaining about; that is, generalized, unsubstantiated comments that are intended to do nothing but rebuke or cause harm.

I have read your stuff, Seb, you're certainly capable of making a point better than this. I often say in these pieces, that the author can take the criticism he wants, and can leave the rest where he found it. I respect your opinion, but I think I choose to leave your statements, as you have made them here, at the wayside

Edited by clinkeroo, 10 March 2004 - 07:53 AM.

[Xenobia]

I would really love to get in on this review, but I can't get to MI6. When I try to load it from home or my work computer, I am not allowed to access it.

Pity, since it keeps me from looking at any feedback that my novel might be generating.

-- Xenobia

[Bond_Bishop]

I didn't liked this, sorry. It was a really poor editing job in it and it was little weird.

4.5/10

Edited by Bond_Bishop, 10 March 2004 - 06:18 AM.

[Xenobia]

Jon definately has some great ideas here. I look forward to reading this story as it continues.

I most look forward to seeing what will happen to Bond's dopplehanger in England while Bond and Topaz continue in Florida. I am curious to see if Jon makes a connection to the mob in Florida and SPECTRE...and if SPECTRE knows about the dummy plan.

I am not quite sure how I feel about Bond's reaction to Tanner's death. Jon is right in that M would be very cut and dry in his delivery of the news, but I am not sure what 007's reaction would be. It might be stoic, it might be more explosive.

As to the editing, yes some work needs to be done, but that is what proofreaders are for. I would definately recommend that this person finds one.

I will wait and make further comments once I see the finished product -- as in the whole story. Will we be reading it?

-- Xenobia

[clinkeroo]

Sorry folks, I'm going to cop out on this one as well . It seems to be unfinished and unedited, and probably should not have been posted in its unrefined state (IMO). I'll be more than happy to revisit it if, and when, it is updated, but for now, it is just too hard to read.

[scaramanga1]

Your reviews are disgraceful

...so is your spelling

Seb, as most of us have said, we ourselves are fanfiction writers. We have tried to give constructive criticism, and feel on the whole we have achieved this goal. Where a story has been below par we have said so, and backed it up with the evidence. Practically everyone has stated this tales potential -which sadly dimminished because of a feeling that the tale was rushed. Hopefully the author will take our comments for what they are -a chance to address his weaknesses as a writer so that he can produce much better work in the future for everyone's pleasure.

So please look at the bigger picture. sometimes criticisms may at first seem a little harsh, but that is not a negative thing, as otherwise how can writer's improve?

Let's face it people would lose interest in the FFRC if we just gushed all the time and just patted each other on the back.

[Athena007]

Anyone who writes or does/creates anything that is open for feedback should expect criticism. But most importantly, if the person can't handle Constructive Criticism

[Matt Helm]

Although not an official part of the club, I do read these posts regularly. The reason I do is for the brutal honesty about these stories. There are so many stories being posted so fast, I can't possibly keep up. I need this filter system to manage my time.

Here are my thoughts on this debate...

1) An author has opened the door for all kinds of critiscm as soon as he posts it on the net.
2) The author also has free choice to skip reading any post that starts to become too insulting.
3) In a book club, the reader has not only the right, but also the expectation to let it all hang out with honest opinions.
4) The other members of the club are supposed to weigh in with their own thoughts whether positive, negative, or simply reflective.

On this particular story, I must admit that I did not read it yet and most probably won't read it at all. I'm thankful for the messages in this post as many people have been descriptive enough for me to know that this story does not meet my complete criteria for personal enjoyment (well written, sensible plot, involving Fleming's Bond and not MGM's). I always applaud the authors for their effort, their bravery, and there ability to handle the critiscm.

To all the authors... please keep writing.
To all the readers... please keep posting.

[Tanger]

Hey Matt.
I've been to your site many times and enjoyed your reviews. In fact that's where I first got the idea for the FFRC. To begin with I was going to do my own website looking at every Bond fan fic available. But then I just decided to go with the FFRC. That way you get other people's views and it makes it more interesting.