28 replies to this topic

[hcmv007]

My goal with the story is to just show how Bond can be modernized for today. It is an idea I have had on a few of my posts on other topics. It has taken me so long, two rewrites, rejecting my first story, which I called the Nautilus Affair, that I have shelved for a time. Genesis is aptly titled, as it is the origin of what helped make Bond who he is today, just more influenced by modern events. This is a prequel to a new trilogy, so if it is liked, please tell me what you like. If you don' like it, please tell me. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Edited by hcmv007, 16 September 2005 - 12:25 PM.

[Bond_Bishop]

interesting retelling I must say. Personally I more like the old origin of Bond that has been established in the Fleming's, Amis', Gardner's and Benson's books but this was very interesting to read.

[Qwerty]

[Mods Note: Discussion link added to story.]

[TortillaFactory]

Hey, hcm (mind if I call you hcm?)

I am working my way through your prologue at present...love the concept. I'd like to do a detailed, no-holds-barred critique - would you prefer I do this in a PM, or is it okay to post it here? Let me know. I promise I'll be nice, but also ruthless, in a very Bond sort of way.

(Oh, and you're perfectly welcome to lambaste my story right back. Link in sig. Go nuts.)

Edited by TortillaFactory, 14 September 2005 - 10:37 PM.

[hcmv007]

Hey, hcm (mind if I call you hcm?)

I am working my way through your prologue at present...love the concept.  I'd like to do a detailed, no-holds-barred critique - would you prefer I do this in a PM, or is it okay to post it here?  Let me know.  I promise I'll be nice, but also ruthless, in a very Bond sort of way. 

(Oh, and you're perfectly welcome to lambaste my story right back.  Link in sig.  Go nuts.)

Just post it. I can take it, I'll try to check yours out. Like I said, I have never written anything in a novel format before (Have done comic book format, though). Fire away.

[TortillaFactory]

Oh, goody.

*cracks knuckles*

This is my critique of the first chapter, since it got to be past my bedtime. More to come later, unless you kill me, which is entirely possible.

Firstly, there are loads of little nitpicky grammar mistakes that make it hard to get through, which is a shame, because the premise is quite interesting. I'd recommend finding a beta/proofreader asap. I'd be happy to do it, if you'd like.

Example:

The rain fell hard, as the funeral services had come to an end.

This makes no sense - you're using that pluperfect tense, which seems to suggest that they ended some time before the rain fell, and furthermore that somehow the end of the services caused the rain to fall. Surely you mean "The rain fell hard, as the funeral services came to an end."

Oh, and it's spelled "Charmain."

The entire first paragraph is rather redundant, since we all know this already. The only parts you've changed are the dates. Try adding something other than "just the facts, m'am" to make it more compelling. What is James thinking, feeling? "Emptiness and sorrow" doesn't tell us much. Show, show, show. Don't tell.

...and the rank was Commander, James guessed.

Well he really IS Gardner's Bond, knowing all sorts of things he oughtn't to. Seriously - how could he have "guessed" Commander? Either he knows, or he doesn't. Pick one.

Edited by TortillaFactory, 16 September 2005 - 05:31 PM.

[hcmv007]

Yeah, I made some errors and one of them was on the names of Bond's parents, something i learned after I had done the story, once I post the next part, I promise to correct the spellings and get the names straight. Jack was supposed to be Bond's father, until I learned it was Andrew. As I have said before this is MY take on how Bond became the man we know today; it's just that the experiences he has gone through are happening in a more modern setting. This has been done for countless American heroes, like Superman, Batman, and Spider-Man. Bond is undoubtedly the best British hero, I just wanted to see something like that for Bond. Thank you Tortilla Factory for giving an honest, very long critique. Now, for the readers, mind you this is an incomplete story, but I promise there are some twists coming up. TTFN!

[Hitch]

My favourite part so far, having read the first chapter, is May's advice to Bond about his hairstyle. Most witty. Naming Universal Exports as Bond's family firm is ingenious too.

TF - some people would pay good money for a dissection like that. I don't think anyone could read your post and fail to learn from it.

[hcmv007]

RE: spelling of the words making up SMERSH.


I took it from Casino Royale. That's how it was spelled in the book.

[TortillaFactory]

I took it from Casino Royale. That's how it was spelled in the book.

*has had brain freeze* Fair enough, absolved on all counts.

[hcmv007]

Hey TF, got a chance to read your full critique, much thanks. I have Bond around ten years old, a fragile age to lose your parents. As far as dialects and sayings, I try to stay away from that and I have two reasons: 1) Every author does it (read Rogue and Gambit in X-Men) and 2) I just plain hate it; it borders on being racist. I admit to a few spelling errors and am correcting those, espiecially re: Charmaine, I knew a girl of that name who did not spell it with the e at the end, my little homage to her. Bond's father founded Universal Exports and it has become a very succesful business, which has been used as cover for MI-6 operatives, and naturally since he died, he has given shares in UE to James to inherit. For M, I just had Colonol Sun, and misread his last name (me and small print don't see eye-to-eye), I corrected that. But I wanted him to be young, and not yet an admiral when we first meet him. As for his relationship to Max and Charmaine, he will know them, and that will be expalained. I have M as the head of MI-6, so naturally if Bond is an Mi-6 agent and not yet a double-o, M would still be his boss (Like Miranda Frost in DAD). I do know I need to be a bit more descriptive in some areas-Fleming would not always describe a character in detail until Bond would encounter him/her. As far as education, I always assumed Bond graduated Oxford, I'll use the link you provided to double check (thanks for that, it really is a big help). As for Max and Charmaine's treatment of James-I really tried to like Silverfin, but I just couldn't; I had them being older and kind of resenting having to take care of a 10 year old, so they distance him, they care about his general needs-school, food, shelter, clothes-but don't get close to him, which causes his constant status as a 'loner'. I read how during OHMSS that the director had Laz isolated from the rest of the cast when shooting was not being done, to cement Bond's status as a loner. I am just taking the samer approach there. My first kiss was pretty awkward (hint, I was 11 at the time), so I would assume Bond's would be too. I have Tracy in the story to help establish James Bond as we now know him. As for Marc, I have heard Marc-Ange, and Marc-Ange Draco, I'll do research on that, but in the book OHMSS, Bond refers to him as Marc-Ange Draco, then Fleming will go "blah-blah" replied Marc-Ange. Thanks a bunch

Thanks for your review as well Hitch, and I hope you enjoy the rest.

To all, just tell me what you think. I want to have this done by the end of the year, but now is the most wonderful time of the year (football season) and writing is tough. I hope to post a new chapter in the next two weeks, and rest assured all spelling will be checked and some slight mods made in the story, just none to change the plot.

[TortillaFactory]

Hey TF, got a chance to read your full critique, much thanks. I have Bond around ten years old, a fragile age to lose your parents.

Fair enough, just make sure it's stated clearly (and perhaps earlier in the story). If you don't make a note of your changes, people are going to assume you're adhering to canon, and get confused.

As far as dialects and sayings, I try to stay away from that and I have two reasons: 1) Every author does it (read Rogue and Gambit in X-Men) and 2) I just plain hate it; it borders on being racist.

I am not sure what you're referring to here. All your characters speak like Americans; British people speak differently. How is it racist to use words and phrases that British people tend to use, rather than making all the characters sound like Indiana Jones? And what's the Rogue and Gambit non sequiter all about? You don't have to write like X-Men to achieve realism in dialogue. In fact, it's probably best that you don't.

Writing region-specific dialogue hardly "borders" on anything, especially not racism, since the majority of both Americans and Britons are white. I shudder to think why anyone would believe that a realistic depiction of regional word use/phrases might be offensive or discriminatory, but in these days...

I admit to a few spelling errors and am correcting those, espiecially re: Charmaine, I knew a girl of that name who did not spell it with the e at the end, my little homage to her.

Excellent. And while I'm at it, about the spelling of the full version of SMERSH: since this is a modern Bond, you don't have to defer to Fleming's spelling, as it may be archaic or just plain wrong. With Fleming's characters, use his spelling. With real people/things, use an alternate source.

(snip) But I wanted him to be young, and not yet an admiral when we first meet him.

That's fine, just remember that he was knighted at some point and you might want to work that in.

(snip) I have M as the head of MI-6, so naturally if Bond is an Mi-6 agent and not yet a double-o, M would still be his boss (Like Miranda Frost in DAD).

I'm not sure that I follow - I was referring to the fact that M had not actually hired him yet (and is unlikely to be so cavalier in his recruitement process anyway...shouldn't they meet for lunch a few times, or something?), and furthermore had not been knighted. I am unsure that 80s/90s etiquette demands you refer to a potential employer as "sir", though it probably helps. It just feels a little "off," like it's not really something Bond would say. When Fleming's Bond refers to M as "sir" I get the feeling it's because he absolutely has to, not because he feels he ought to.

I do know I need to be a bit more descriptive in some areas-Fleming would not always describe a character in detail until Bond would encounter him/her.

True. And while you should by no means attempt to be just like Fleming, you might want to describe Bond's initial impressions of each person before s/he starts talking. And something a little more insightful than "he was tall" or "she was pretty" is always good, too.

As far as education, I always assumed Bond graduated Oxford, I'll use the link you provided to double check (thanks for that, it really is a big help).

I just re-read M's obituary for Bond (I've got it in a text file and of course I've completely forgotten which book it's from now, but as Monique might say, tant pis!), and there's no mention of him attending school after graduating Fettes at the age of 17. Afterwards M speaks only of his military career, and the fact that he joined the Ministry of Defense later on. I think Bond might have had some trouble getting accepted to the likes of Oxford, anyway, seeing as he was expelled from Eton.

As for Max and Charmaine's treatment of James-I really tried to like Silverfin, but I just couldn't; I had them being older and kind of resenting having to take care of a 10 year old, so they distance him, they care about his general needs-school, food, shelter, clothes-but don't get close to him, which causes his constant status as a 'loner'.

I am totally in favor of this idea; problem is, it really doesn't come through in your story. Everyone just seems a tad bipolar. Make your characters' behavior consistent, and if it isn't, explain why. Conflicting feelings? Tell. I know you're supposed to show, not tell, but sometimes things are confusing and you need to explain what's going on in someone's head.

(snip) My first kiss was pretty awkward (hint, I was 11 at the time), so I would assume Bond's would be too.

Possibly, unless he waited longer. However the awkwardness doesn't really come through in the scene as it's written - I honestly don't quite get a feel for what's going on. Perhaps more descriptions, more getting-inside-his-head, etc. might help.

I have Tracy in the story to help establish James Bond as we now know him.

Doubtless, but I don't really see much of her personality in the girl you're writing about. Remember, she's kinda spunky and wild and stuff.

As for Marc, I have heard Marc-Ange, and Marc-Ange Draco, I'll do research on that, but in the book OHMSS, Bond refers to him as Marc-Ange Draco, then Fleming will go "blah-blah" replied Marc-Ange. Thanks a bunch

No problem! I'm not sure what you thought I said, but yes, his full name is Marc-Ange Draco, and his first name is Marc-Ange. I don't believe Fleming ever referred to him as Marc, and I know Benson went out of his way not to in Never Dream of Dying. Still unsure, though, how he knows M&C and what he

Edited by TortillaFactory, 21 September 2005 - 11:23 PM.

[hcmv007]

Good luck with math, I was and am terrible at it.

Here's my example of writing accents:

Rouge

Kiss mah sugah!

Gambit

Qui, mon ami! Ah reckon I shall cher!

Cannonball

Mah blast field mahkes me invulnerable!



See what I mean. Every writer does this (particularly to Southern folks). I hate it when I see it b/c it is not even accurate; it is ignorant on the part of the writers, and I for one hate it and will NEVER do that, I want to be different, if it takes away from the realism, sorry.

I am editing, and the next post will correct the errors. The questions you have will be answered and everything will be shown over the course of the story. Rest assured, once everything is explained, you might actually like it. Of course I don't like to spoil the broth, so I add the ingredients very slowly....

[TortillaFactory]

See what I mean. Every writer does this (particularly to Southern folks). I hate it when I see it b/c it is not even accurate; it is ignorant on the part of the writers, and I for one hate it and will NEVER do that, I want to be different, if it takes away from the realism, sorry.

You completely misunderstand what I'm talking about. I, too, avoid spelling out words phoenetically in order to portray the accents of my characters. What I'm referring to is WORD USAGE ("I'm going to" vs. "I shall", for example). While it would be silly to portray a French person as saying "Ah" instead of "I," it would not be silly to have him use the occasional French word, or stick an article where it doesn't belong (eg. Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot, "you have the mania for the fresh air" or something like it). It's a grammatical thing, not a spelling thing or an accent thing. British people simply DO NOT (usually) speak the way Americans do, and once again I am NOT referring to the difference in accents.

I am referring to the obvious things, like "lorry" and "lift," as well as the more subtle things, like "the government are" rather than "the government is." There is nothing racist, ignorant, or bigoted about accurately portraying a British person's dialogue - in fact, quite the opposite. If you wish to avoid this accuracy, then it is, quite frankly, your loss.

Thanks for your email re: the plot point - feel free to contact me with any additional info, questions, etc. or if my point regarding accents etc. remains unclear.

[hcmv007]

Thanks for the clarification, TF. I understand what you mean now.

[hcmv007]

Hit a brick wall, partially writer's block, partially a literal brick wall. I promise by Halloween, I will post Chapter 4, and modify the first three Chapters. I have my vision for the villain(Finally!), and his affliction, which I have some research left to do. I see a 12 chapter story right now, but want closer to 10. If I run long, I'll post the second half as a sequal (Ex: Genesis II). Keep the suggestions, coming, please. Later!

[Hitch]

A quick tip: you don't have to go through, round, over or under that brick wall. Transport yourself to a part that is easier to write and concentrate on that. A narrative is only an unbroken chain once it's all linked together.

Edited by Hitch, 03 October 2005 - 02:47 PM.

[hcmv007]

A quick tip: you don't have to go through, round, over or under that brick wall. Transport yourself to a part that is easier to write and concentrate on that. A narrative is only an unbroken chain once it's all linked together.

Thanks, much.

[Qwerty]

New addition here: http://debrief.comma...ndpost&p=457371

[hcmv007]

My hand has healed after punching a brick wall, and I am back writing. Genesis is going on a temporary hiatus, as I have another quick fanfic that I have to get out of my head first. I know a lot of people have checked it out, but do any of you like it? Please, either way let me know, thanks, all!

[hcmv007]

Just wanting to know if anyone likes the story out there. I should be done by Jan, if that is anyone is reading it and liking it.

[hcmv007]

Pending moderation, Chapter 5 should be up. I have decided to do Genesis as a 2 part story. Part one is done, part 2 will be the conclusion, and i promise a lot of action on that front. I had hoped to be done now, but my other project (my own novel) had taken a lot of time. This is a lobor of love, and i just want to finish Genesis. But I want to do it right. Cheers!

[Qwerty]

Chapter 5 up now!

[hcmv007]

Pending moderation, Chapter 5 should be up. I have decided to do Genesis as a 2 part story. Part one is done, part 2 will be the conclusion, and i promise a lot of action on that front. I had hoped to be done now, but my other project (my own novel) had taken a lot of time. This is a lobor of love, and i just want to finish Genesis. But I want to do it right. Cheers!

That being said, I have changed my mind. Since it will only be 4 more chapters, there will be no part 2 for Genesis. But yes, there is a lot of action, sex, death and a lot of twists and turns. I finished Ch 6, and am rapidly going through Chapter 007, which is the most asction packed chapter I have ever written. EVER. I just have some editing to do, and will post that here, I hop in the next 3 weeks. I have Spring Break mid April, and should be finished with it by then. I hope. If ya'll keep readin, I'll keep writin'

[hcmv007]

On the VERY LAST chapter, plus a few epilouges. I went back and added some new things to the story, I hope to be done in one month, and post everything else ASAP.

[hcmv007]

I should be done in the next 2 weeks. I have had a lot of stuff-reviewing 117 College Football teams, analyzing the NFL, etc., and after editing the last 2 chapters, I have finally become satisfied with the story. I have also cleaned up parts of the first 2 chapters to make things go easier, and to smooth out rough areas of the story. Now if I don't forget my flash drive...

[hcmv007]

I am finished! Aside from a little bit of editing, I am done and the final part will be posted sometime this week. I am sick, so I will have time to finish editing this week. I want to thank TF for being honest in her earlier critiques, and showing me areas in which to improve the story, and of course to my boy Qwerty for being a cool moderator and getting the updates loaded in a very time friendly manner. I can't thank you 2 enough!


It comes out to about 100 pages, and took me over a year to write. I look forward to hearing what everyone thinks about the completed version, which will be up when I remeber to bring my flash drive!!!!!!!!!

[Qwerty]

No problem at all. Congrats on finishing.

[hcmv007]

Pending moderation, Genesis is complete! Enjoy!