26 replies to this topic

[Blofeld's Cat]

Just found this on one of the many joke sites on the Net.

Egotistical Eddie was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife rebuffs.

Short and sweet, but at least it's clean.

Has anyone else come across any Bond related jokes?

[Blofeld's Cat]

Found a couple more.

[quote]Tax Audit

"Okay, Mr. Blofeld, we're satisfied that James Bond destroyed your stolen nuclear bomb.

We'd like you to know that the IRS empathizes with your loss. We can't agree with your valuation on the nuclear device, which we place at only $2.4 million.

However, the point is moot since we'll allow your full value for the yacht, and that with the bomb exceeds your illegal gains, and you can't deduct illegal losses in excess of illegal gains.

"Oh, and Mr. Blofeld... I've audited a lot of businesses like yours, and let me give you this advice: the next time you capture Mr. Bond, don't tell him your plans. Just kill him."[/quote]
[quote]Lunchtime Spies

Three spies were having lunch together, one was James Bond, one was Felix Leiter, and the other was from Australia

[Blofeld's Cat]

You guys continue what your'e doing, I'm enjoying myself here.

Found the following on laughweb.com, but I paraphrased some points to suit Bond.

Murphy's Laws on Bond Missions

• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
• The easy way is always mined.
• Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
• Professionals are predictable; it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
• The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: when you're ready for them, and when you're not ready for them.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
• If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
• If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
• If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
• When in doubt empty the magazine.
• Never share a hiding spot with anyone braver than you.
• Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
• If you make it too tough for the enemy to get in you can't get out.
• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
• A Bravery Commendation just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.

[Parasyte]

I got those last ones in a circulated email over a year ago!!

[Xenobia]

James Bond retires from the secret service, and is looking for a real easy job. He decides to apply for a security position with Wamsetta, which makes bed linens.

"So Mr. Bond," says the interviewer, "What makes you think you are qualified for this job?"

Bond smiles and replies, "I have a lot of experience under cover."

Let the groaning begin.

-- Xen

[Tanger]

From Mel's Jokes at maxpages.com
This is a little unclean:

THINGS I’VE LEARNT FROM BOND, JAMES BOND.

1) No matter how bad the torture is, you will still survive.
2) If someone has been blown up by a traitor’s bomb, they will still come
back to your rescue. If they are shot when the come to your aid, they will
have a gun hidden in their cane that they can shoot loose one of your
shackles with.
3) If you are shot in the brain, you can still live, but also become a
superhuman that feels nothing.
4) If there is a girl involved, you will win at the Blackjack table.
5) You will always escape from life threatening situations.
6) The bad guy always leaves you enough time to escape.
7) The villain will reveal their diabolical plan to you leaving you with
enough time to foil it.
8) If not, you will figure it out in time to save the world.
9) Even lesbians will sleep with you…
10) Sex is casual, frequent, and happens anywhere…
11) Madmen that are set on conquering the world will never use guns. They
prefer over elaborate traps that are easily escapable.
12) On every mission you participate in, a Russian, or Russia, will always
be mentioned.
13) Even torture can look sexual…
14) The corny remarks always manage to woo the women.
15) Corny one liners are actually as far as your wit extends.
16) Your boss and chief armourer are always referred to with letters…
17) There is always a gadget that will provide comic relief in the movie.
18) If not comic, the gadget will be used to aid your sex life.
19) There is no more negotiating in terrorist situations.
20) Those gadgets Q lent you will always be destroyed…
21) Although your identity is supposed to be a secret, there are a million
and one web sites devoted to you…
22) Your friends and lovers are either the super rich or the mega smart…
23) The bad guy will always die in some terrible, terrible way…
24) You can get anything you want be just dropping your pants…
25) Although, dropping your pants is probably the only thing you want to do…

[General Koskov]

Ain't it the truth!

[Tanger]

I just ran 'James Bond Jokes' through a search engine and it came up with Diamonds Are Forever!!!

[Blue Eyes]

That's my favourite one Tanger! Maybe I should post some of these on the main page sometime!

[Tanger]

This one is far better:

Bond. James Bond
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch,

..
.......
...............
...........................
.............................................

and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast"

[Xenobia]

Tanger your Bond joke has to be one of the best I have ever heard! I third the

Alas, I offer you my pathetic tribute:

Question: Why won't James Bond eat Turkey in France?
Answer: Because he never got over Paris Carver.

Question: Why does Bond get jumpy around December 25th?
Answer: Because he's got Christmas Jones.

Goodnight Gentlemen! You've been great! I'll be here all week! Try the fish!

-- Xenobia

[Blofeld's Cat]

Another quicky:

James Bond and Visa

In "The World Is Not Enough," Bond pulls out a Visa card that turns into a lock pick.
Gives a new meaning to "Visa: it's everywhere you want to be" doesn't it?

[Blofeld's Cat]

Blue Eyes (09 Apr, 2002 01:20 a.m.):
That's my favourite one Tanger! Maybe I should post some of these on the main page sometime!

I second the (laughing) motion.

[Tanger]

In the spirit of turning this topic into 'Bad James Bond Jokes', I thought I'd add this one:

James Bond is sailing in a boat in the middle of the Pacific ocean and along and with him, in the boat are seven huge stones. He has a cigratte in his mouth but does not have a matchstick to light it, how does he light his matchstick?(there is no one in the vicinity)

Ans: He throws the seven stones out of the boat so the boat becomes LIGHTER

Wait there's more to come...

[General Koskov]

And VISA did that commercial for Tomorrow Never Dies. Or was that MasterCard? Oh well, you get my point, I think...

[Tanger]

In the spirit of turning this topic into 'Bad James Bond Jokes', I thought I'd add this one:

James Bond is sailing in a boat in the middle of the Pacific ocean and along and with him, in the boat are seven huge stones. He has a cigratte in his mouth but does not have a matchstick to light it, how does he light his matchstick?(there is no one in the vicinity)

Ans: He throws the seven stones out of the boat so the boat becomes LIGHTER

Wait there's more to come...

[Blofeld's Cat]

Found some more...


Things I

[Double-Oh-Zero]

Want to see who the next James Bond is?

Bush as Bond

[Xenobia]

Originally posted by Double-Oh-Zero
Want to see who the next James Bond is?  

Bush as Bond

Thank you for that mental image...I won't be sleeping for a while! I have a hard enough time sleeping knowing he is my president...but if Shrub has to save the world too...GOD HELP US ALL.

I need to tell a joke to feel better:

James Bond is playing with his wristwatch. This, of course, gets the attention of a very attractive woman sitting to his right. She leans over and asks him, "Why are you so fascinated by your timepiece?"

"Ah my dear," he said, "This is a very special watch. It can tell me what is going on around me."

"For instance?" the woman asked skeptically.

"For instance, I know right now you are not wearing any panties."

The woman smirked. "Your watch is wrong."

"Not completely," Bond replied with a twinkle in his eye, "It is merely an hour fast."

[Blofeld's Cat]

Even better the second time, Xen.

[Double-Oh-Zero]

As with yours, B.C.

[Blofeld's Cat]

Originally posted by Double-Oh-Zero
As with yours, B.C.

The pitfalls of resurrecting an old thread.

Actually, I never realised this before your comment OO0. The 1st time I posted the list I had to edit a lot of it to fit Bond's world because it was actually a list on war. The list I just posted was copied and pasted word for word from a diferent site. Interesting.

I noticed that the same thing had happened to Xen's joke.

[Xenobia]

What happened with my joke???? How did you know it was a Bill Clinton joke?

(And thank you for the compliment Double-0-Zero! :-) )

-- Xenobia

[Double-Oh-Zero]

You're quite welcome, Xen. It was my pleasure, believe me. I wasn't going to say anything about those two repeated jokes, but once B.C said something about yours, good old OO0 had to jump in and save the day.

[Blofeld's Cat]

When Bond retired from MI6 he applied for a job as an industrial spy.

Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as he was alone, Bond opened the packet. Inside, a message read:

"You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

_______________
OK, you do better.

[Blofeld's Cat]

MI7 (as M calls it in Doctor No ) is considering three applicants to be hired for the

[Double-Oh-Zero]

007's Heavenly Mission

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. He tells Bond to alert M when he arrives in heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Good morning, Virgin Mary speaking." M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Good afternoon, Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is 007 there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Good evening, Mary speaking